  It's
time once again for the second installment of the Hachland Update, because
I'm extremely lazy now, and only want to update once a while. So live with
it, 'cause you suck. Hahaha... But truthfully, I have just desided to rechange
it to Hachland - The Magazine. Yes, now you may raise your eye brows like
this dude, I forgot his name though. His name's like George or something,
I just call him the E.R. Dude. Yeah, so I don't know his name, don't be an
ass. So in
today's fine issue of Hachland, you'll find something I like to call Hachomedy
as well as Pornomedy. It's funny to me, it's hilirious to me. But just not
you! So hahaha. And oh, yeah, you still suck! So just read this, and maybe
next time you won't suck! So shut your mouth and read and if you wanna pop
off at me, then hit up the old
Ape Forum or just
hit me up.
The Old Hero - Legend or Truth?
 Now, if you have ever wondered what
happened to the old superhero's you grew up with and what they have become
of now, well, you are lucky because I have gone and researched it. I've already
shown ya what happened to Ultimate Warrior, he's basically a bum somewhere.
But what has happened to Wonder Woman, the gender counterpart to Superman.
Well, this is what happened. She got fat! What a fucking fat ass! I don't
believe she can use her invisiable plane anymore, because the invisiablity
cloak or whatever was used, is well, not strong enough for her. So
hahaha...
As we all know sports figures and movie stars have become our new staple
of superheros. Seeing as well, we are all retarded and don't give a shit
about fake drama anymore. I wonder what has happened with that. It's just
sad, that we use this new staple. It makes me sad. So please hold your
breath.
But anyhow, I forgot where I was headed with this, but now I remember...
Sports figures are our new superheroes. Well, if your a big NFL fan, like
some people I know (like this kid in the mirror), well, you would obviously
hear of a Wide Receiver aka Punt and Kick returner, who already has 4 returns
for TDs. Tying the season record. Well, luckily Dante Hall was stopped by
the Green Bay Packers, although Trent Green killed us. Ugh... And why doesn't
Morton Anderson just retire? Gesh... Well, anyhow, if you can remember another
kick returner who was pretty good, and well, he used to play with the old
Packers, his name being Desmond Howard. Wonder if your name has to start
with a "D" to be a good kick returner? Well, what has happened to him is
the question. First of all, what was the question. We're on a what happened
to superheroes, and seeing as I said we see sports stars as superheroes now,
he of course comes into this catagory. So what has happened to him?
Who's The Greatest? - Dante Hall v. Desmond
Howard |
Dante Hall, # 82
Height: 5-8
Weight: 187 lbs.
Pos: Wide Receiver
Age: 25
Born: September 1, 1978, Lufkin , TX
Drafedt: 2000 - 5th round , 24th pick by the Kansas City Chiefs
Experience: 4 years
College: Texas A&M
Kick Returns: 136
Total Yards: 3226
Total TDs: 4
Current Status: 4th Year With Kansas City |
|
|
Desmond Howard, # 80
Height: 5-10
Weight: 188 lbs.
Pos: Wide Receiver
Age: 33
Born: May 15, 1970, Cleveland , OH
Drafted: 1992, 1st Round, 4th Pick by Washington Redskins.
Experience: 12 years
College: Michigan (Won Heismen)
Kick Returns: 359
Total Yards: 7959
Total TDs: 8
Current Status: Free Agent |
|
| * Note - Only Kick Returns, not Punk Returns. |
Hach Ranks: Websites - You Might
Suck!
| While searching the world wide web this past week you find
things you've never thought about. Like other websites. I'm still trying
to understand this. It's like there are other people out there making websites.
But none of which is as stupid as this one. But hell, this is BAT COUNTRY!
Hahaha.. I guess so. Well, I just lost my train of thought. I don't know
why they call it a train of thought anyhow, but that is rather regardless
of what I'm trying to say, but any how, this is what I gotta say. Oh, yeah,
I remember now, there is other websites out there. And well, I've decided
to link a few of them for you today. And oh, I'm going to do something new,
well, I guess it's new, or something that'll make you like my site more,
or well, just something I can have fun at. I'm gona rate these sites too.
Why? 'Cause I can. Duh! |
|
my rating system |
| # |
name |
description |
| 1 |
enhanced talent |
um... no |
| 2 |
canned heat |
um... yeah |
| 3 |
cheap heat |
okay |
| 4 |
mixed |
alright |
| 5 |
snotchie-botchie |
not bad |
| 6 |
the "O" thing |
oh, yeah |
|
First of all, everyone has heard of this term camel toe, a term that I don't
believe I have defined in our dictionary section here at Hachland, but anyhow,
there is a website out there featuring well, camel toe. Even a expansive
gallery and small descriptions of well, the people we all some how look up
to -- Celebrities. Everything from Prince to well, Cher. Well, any how it's
a website, a website that won't get you laid, but will make you laugh. So
go check out The Camel-Toe Report.
rated -
snotchie-botchie
Then I got this other site I found, I found it quite interesting..... Actually,
I found it being a big disappointment. With it's name, I thought I had found
the greatest site ever, and then I came to find out the name lies! Basically
over at Cute Girls Only, they
do NOT understand what Cute Girls
Only means. Which completely pisses me off! I will link them, just to
allow you the oppertunity to view this garbage! And oh, tell me what ya think
if you'd like. rated - enhanced
talent
As this past weekend, aka Sunday, occured I had long forgotten about a website
I used to visit, but then one of my friends, most namely Jimmy, duh! He's
the friend.... Well, anyone he went to a website that I haven't gone to since
the dying days of WCW..... Can you guess yet? No, it's not a WCW site, it's
a wrestling site, it's FUCKING
WRESTLECRAP! Gesh, are you stupid
or just retarded? rated -
snotchie-botchie
Um, now I'm just gona list some random sites that helped me randomly get
a random Hachland come back again. Or whatever the fuck I just said, here
are some sites.
This site, I don't even know why I have linked it. It isn't a great site,
not even a minimal site, I won't go back to it, maybe once or twice, but
it's not a great site. It just has a funny name.
Team Fishcake, come
on, now that is funny. rated - cheap
heat
Alright, now this site, well, is about the same thing as the top one, it's
name made it, that's just basically it. Plus I like their quote/motto or
whatever they play it. The site is
Procrastibate. Interesting name,
huh? rated - canned
heat
Now for the next website I enjoyed this past week, has a Hachland heart.
It looks very similar to an ancient design I used back when I was in high
school. So in other words, the only thing hurting these guys is it's three
days behind Hachland. But in the same sense they are three years ahead of
Hachland, with a domain name and use of CGI. Dah.. If only I wasn't cheap!
Well, the site is Skrodahl, which
again is a funny name. And oh, their mission statement or whatever you want
to call it is - "Funny stories and websites, interesting novelties from all
over the world. Having a good time, watching the occasional half-dressed
girl. That's what this site is all about!" And oh, yeah, I found the Camel
Toe site threw these guys, so thanks again.
rated - snotchie-botchie
We still have two more sites I would like to review. So hang in there. The
other two are well, websites. Duh! Wow, someone can read. Gesh.. Well, the
next one is very similar to the last one, it's just a bunch of guys writing
on a website. So just check it out, plus there are some neat featuers that
no other site has, so drum role please.... It's
Nethitters. And they're a cool website.
rated - the "O"
thing
We have finally gotten to the last website I shall review. It's a nice little
website, mostly filled with porn. Which hey, makes it the greatest thing
in the entire world! So go check out
Orsm.net.
rated - the "O" thing
Hach's Dream - It's Not Sick, Just
Weird.
Ah, my dream was like I was on a family trip and my bro was driving
our mini-van and some how he didn't turn on this sharp turn and we went into
the Atlantic Ocean and then my dad jumped out and my bro and mom passed out
and I somehow kept the car afloat and like swam to safety while still holding
onto the car.. and later I somehow got a opertunity to meet all my favorite
football stars and get mad football jearseys for 8 bucks.
Weird, huh? Well, according to this Dreams book I have states that the water
in the dream indicates either prosperty and happiness to come or sudden passion
and love. Or it might just mean I wet myself, but I woke up in a dry bed,
so luckily that didn't happen. And for the swimming part, it says I will
have much success. The other parts of being a hero and seeing a hero, I can't
quite find yet. So hopefully next week, I will be able to redo these.
Game Review - EA Sport's Madden
NFL 2004 for GamecCube
 Well,
let's review the new Madden game for GameCube. Well, because I got it now.
And I'm gona be nice and tell you.
Gameplay: Is it easy, true to it's real-life counter-part?
Graphics: Are the graphics good are bad?
Realism:
Does the characters look real and do they actually match their real-life
counter-parts. Plus does the stadium and overall feel match the realistic
feal?
Controls: How are they? Is it easy, is it hard, etc.?
Sound:
Realistic sounds, good soundtrack? Does it get annoying when Madden talks?
Hach
Factor: This is my equivlent of Fun Factor, or basic overall enjoyment of
the game.
Overall:
Worth the price tag?
Gameplay
It's Madden, it's good. Its Gameplay keeps up with the past versions of Madden,
and with the new Playmaker feature, it gives you four more options to do
with your key player on the play you have just picked. So if you are running
the ball and the defense stacks up the defense on one side, you can easily
change the direction you will run the ball. As for a passing play you can
easily choose your reciever to alter his route and possibily break for a
big gain. The only downfall for this new feature is, you have to pay attention
to the defense. It's a bonus if you see the Safey or Corner Back blizting.
And don't worry, the audible feature is still there, so you can change your
entire play with the pressing of two buttons.
Score: 5 out of 6
  Graphics
They just keep getting better and better. The graphics for Madden 2004 are
easily better than Madden 2003, and so on and so on. There is more detail
to the field, the weather conditions, the stadium, the coaches, the sideline
people, referees and of course the players themselves. You can easily confuse
yourself into thinking your watching a real football game. The only difference
you are obviously in control.
Score: 5 out of 6
Realism
This is basically just a expansion of the Graphics, beacuse it is so realistic,
you do believe your playing in the real game. But my only downfall is I usually
play with the Green Bay Packers and it seems like Brett Farve is usually
getting hurt. Now, I know people get hurt in real life, but it's Brett Farve,
when was the last time he was injured? Or let alone missed a game? Not ever
really. He's the Iron Horse of Football, so this is my only downfall. Plus
another downfall is Paul Edinger, he lines up differently than other Field
Goal Kickers, and well, in this game, he doesn't. I hope when 2005 comes
out, they fix these small gaps in the game. But other than that, it's
football
Score: 3 out of 6
 Controls
The controls are basically the same as they we're before, but this time with
the new added Playmaker control, which uses the C-Stick. You are forced to
see the play and the coaches' view by hitting the Z-Button and either the
L or R buttons. Other than that, the controls remain the same from the previous
GameCube Madden games.
Score: 6 out of 6
Sound
The sounds are new and updated. Madden again speaks more and more. With Al
Michaels' continuing to do the Play-By-Play. As for the soundtrack, it is
alright, not the greatest songs, but many songs made specifically just for
this game, which I enjoy. Mostly the rapper's doing this, with some punk
songs added. Punk and rap... Seems like my playlist.
Score: 4 out of 6
Hach Factor
Hey, for a Fun or Hach Factor, this game is still great. For all of those
that used to play football or have never played football, this is the closes
you can get to actually being involved in the entire game. With coaching
and playing. And with the special features like 2-minute warning drills,
situation, pratice and those small games you can play are all great
features.
Score: 5 out of 6
OVERALL
It's Madden, simple as that. It's new Playmaker feature, it's updated rosters,
new soundtrack, a few new features, and various other minor differences make
this game a most. And if your like me and need to get the new Madden, then
you really didn't have to read this review. But if you are poor and don't
desire the new features and the updated rosters, and just need a football
game, then don't buy this, just buy the previous ones. Such as Madden 2003
and 2002.
Get It. If You Want It! |
