Leaving Chicago Pt. II
I guess i'm not leaving. I'm not leaving in the physical sense anyway. First, I would like to take the time to thank the people who came to my aid, by email and in person, when I asked for help. (You know who you are)
And now on to more serious matters. Despite the aid and advice I have received, I still am unable to get past the feeling that I have nothing left to give. I am growing more and more tired of all of this. I know people keep telling me, "you should do this" or "You should do that" when it comes to moving and finding a job, no offence, but those of you who know me, know that i'm smart enough to have tried everything that's being suggested. I'm running out of options and to be quite frank, I'm starting not to care anymore. And why should I? Can any one of you give me good reason why I should? I am exhausted from trying to "better" myself and my situation. The only thing going for me is the fact that I haven't seen my landlord since he decided to evict me, and hence has not given me any official notice. All that does is give me more time to contemplate what to do next, more time to lay awake at night and reenforce the idea that there is no reason for me to wake up once I do fall asleep. I am putting every ounce of effort I have into finding something to get my mind off my situation. I am putting every ounce of my strength into just trying to survive.
Depression is a horrible cycle. Once it gets a hold it never wants to let go. Drinking or not, depression is still there. It doesn't matter whether or not I drink. It has no bearing on my situation. I stopped drinking in large amounts because I know what it does to me. But right now, all I want is to dive into the bottom of a bottle so I can get some rest.
Yes, I'm depressed. And yes, I know I should just "snap out of it". But it is not as simple as that. Nothing in life ever is.
My biggest problem right now is trying to fight off the urge to give up completely. I have fought this urge my whole life and have won battles and lost battles with it, but quite obviously I haven't lost the war. But every time I battle this urge I lose a little bit more of my sanity, I lose a little bit more of my will.
And now on to more serious matters. Despite the aid and advice I have received, I still am unable to get past the feeling that I have nothing left to give. I am growing more and more tired of all of this. I know people keep telling me, "you should do this" or "You should do that" when it comes to moving and finding a job, no offence, but those of you who know me, know that i'm smart enough to have tried everything that's being suggested. I'm running out of options and to be quite frank, I'm starting not to care anymore. And why should I? Can any one of you give me good reason why I should? I am exhausted from trying to "better" myself and my situation. The only thing going for me is the fact that I haven't seen my landlord since he decided to evict me, and hence has not given me any official notice. All that does is give me more time to contemplate what to do next, more time to lay awake at night and reenforce the idea that there is no reason for me to wake up once I do fall asleep. I am putting every ounce of effort I have into finding something to get my mind off my situation. I am putting every ounce of my strength into just trying to survive.
Depression is a horrible cycle. Once it gets a hold it never wants to let go. Drinking or not, depression is still there. It doesn't matter whether or not I drink. It has no bearing on my situation. I stopped drinking in large amounts because I know what it does to me. But right now, all I want is to dive into the bottom of a bottle so I can get some rest.
Yes, I'm depressed. And yes, I know I should just "snap out of it". But it is not as simple as that. Nothing in life ever is.
My biggest problem right now is trying to fight off the urge to give up completely. I have fought this urge my whole life and have won battles and lost battles with it, but quite obviously I haven't lost the war. But every time I battle this urge I lose a little bit more of my sanity, I lose a little bit more of my will.
[Listening to: Helena - My Chemical Romance - Three Cheers For Sweet Revenge (3:22)]
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home