(290603 - Sunday)
It must have been a good 10 years at least since I last went to Lake Gardens. Today's trip led us to see lots and lots of exotic birds, and lots and lots of gorgeous butterflies. At an admission charge of RM12 eachand RM5 each respectively, it was quite worth it. The lunch bill was a bit hefty though. It was a good long and tiring day out, but it was joyful indeed.

It's official - Mervyn Tan is no longer single. At the age of 20 years, 11 months and 3 weeks, I'm now officially attached to someone. As happy as I am right now, somehow, I feel it's a pity that I failed to maintain a girlfriendless status till the age of 21. I was so close! But looking in the bright side of it, at least I don't have any ex-girlfriends. Beat that!

(280603 - Saturday)
Yet another day with nothing out of the ordinary happening. Still, I'm happy for these wonderful times when I have little to complain about and so much to enjoy.

(270603 - Friday)
Another day playing truant from office. Halfway through the day in office I took off to go help someone make a cake. I should do stuff like this more often. Not play truant, but make cakes, and bake cookies, and other kitchen activities. I like things like that. Especially in good company.

After the cake mixture was done, we went to watch Finding Nemo. This was the second time I watched the show in the cinema. This is the first time I've watched a show twice in a cinema. And it was the same cinema too! Funny enough, I actually enjoyed the show so much more this time. Of course that could be due to the company I have this time around.

(260603 - Thursday)
I'm very involved with a certain someone already. And it's just so great. Every moment I spend with her flies right by without me realizing it, simply because I'm enjoying myself so truly. An entire day went by with nothing to show for it. Just a whole lot of money spent. But I'm still so truly happy. This is great!

Things with Su Ling have been picking up as well. We can actually hang out now as though nothing happened. "That which does not break us only makes us stronger". I think this is true for friendships too.

(250603 - Wednesday)
Too much happens in too little time. And I don't remember what exactly happened.

I've crossed over. I'm now an Astro user as well. I get to view all the channels for a month, free of charge. When this trial ends, I'll have to choose a package and start paying. That's quite dumb. On national TV, we watch 4 channels at no charge. Advertisments are put on to help cover the costs. But on Astro, not only do we pay to have the facilities, we're still stuck with advertisments. What a rip-off!

(240603 - Tuesday)
"You can't keep a happy man down!"
"The rainbow comes after the rain."
"The only way to go from here is up" I was down, and I've been going up again.

"Row, row, row your boat, gently down the stream...." That's the lines in a script of some show that's playing now.

I've found myself in yet another relationship. The difference between this one and all the others is that there's no pressure now. No worries. I have the freedom to just be happy about it for a change. To find a boring person interesting... now there's a poser!

(230603 - Monday)
Three movies in 7 days. It's starting again.

Just thought of another challenging thing to try out with the Leos. Singing the lyrics of one song in correct tune, while the tune of a different song is playing loudly in the background. How does one even focus? Can you imagine the amount of concentration needed?! Damn I'm evil.

(220603 - Sunday)
I didn't lose the friendship afterall. It's on very shakey grounds, but it's still holding together. I shall leave it be for fear that messing around with it some more will raise the risk of it collapsing. If it's one thing I've learnt from this whole mishap, it's that too much attention can be bad as well.

I fear that I've played somebody's feelings a bit too far. The word "jealous" actually came up in our conversation. And it really didn't seem like she was joking. What I don't get is that the last time I flirted with her was a week ago, and she seemed to have no positive response to any of my advances. How come this all of the sudden?! I need to be more careful. Especially when I'm focusing on someone else right now.

(210603 - Saturday)
Yesterday, I felt like crap. Today, I feel like the bacteria on the legs of a fly that buzzes around the crap. I think today's fall puts me below every other stupid thing I've ever done in the past 21 years of my existence. All hail his jerky-ness Mervyn Tan, king of all jerks.

Apologies to Su Ling:
"As much as I hate what you did to me, I admit that it was a very selfish act to do what I did to you. I only wish to apologise. From the bottom of my shattered heart - I'm so very sorry. I'd take it all back if I could. I was careless with your feelings, and there's no excuse for that. I can understand if you choose not to forgive me. I don't even think I can forgive myself for doing this to you. If this marks the point where our friendship really does end, then so be it. You deserve someone who's 10 times the friend that I was to you. I'm not worthy of you. Sincerest apologies once again for contributing to your pain. And I really do hope all that's wrong in your life will go away soon. Sorry!"

My guilt is beyond excuses. Any punishment would be more than fitting. To HELL with me, if it would please her. I deserve much worse anyway.

(200603 - Friday)
Work has been getting more and more mundane. Everyday is the same old routine. Nothing much ever changes. I've been working at the same place for about a year already. Tasks have been piling up, but nothing exciting. Nothing challenging. Nothing worth my time. Nothing to help me develop into a person of higher value. Nothing to secure me a bigger pay cheque when I become an employee.

Curse the people who criticise the way I drive, but they are instead 10 times more reckless than I am. Don't bitch about the way I drive. I'm still alive today. I haven't killed anyone. I don't even come close to putting anyone's life in danger. Unlike some other people who are a threat to humanity the moment the get into the driver's seat of any moving object. And to think that they have the nerve to criticise my driving!

I do believe I just threw my most treasured friendship out the window. I don't believe I've ever used words so recklessly before. Not with her. Well, looking on the bright side, at least this time I didn't hold back. At least this time, I said what was in my heart, even if it meant that she would be uncomfortable, or upset, or disappointed, or even angry. After all said and done, screw me, but I still think she deserves much worse. I don't know if it's disappointment or anger that put me in such a mood. But I do know it is she who did this to me. I feel so unappreciated. I feel so stupid. I feel like fuck!

Four years of friendship, and nothing to show for it. You'd think that after all this time, two people would have gathered some pretty good memories together. Thinking back, yeah, I have some pretty nice memories involving her. Thinking back a bit more, I was the one who initiated everything which had anything to do with these nice memories. The memories are of the things I did for her, and I remain happy that I did all that for her. But never are they memories of wonderful things she has done for me. I don't remember she ever doing anything nice for me. Nothing that really touched me, except that one recent string of incidents. For a brief moment of time, she gave me so much joy. Then one fine day I find out all that wasn't 'true', all that wasn't 'real'. And all that became meaningless to me. And so, I have no fond memories of her doing anything 'great' for me. That is the sad truth of the friendship I once treasured so much.

I miss the days when I was happy. The days when I brought cheer to others without effort have disappeared. Now I'm just one miserable bastard, who's making life worse for everyone.

How did I ever let one person do so much damage?! I need to find myself again.

(190603 - Thursday)
My days seem to be getting a whole lot shorter. It starts at 8.30am, but by 4pm I'm already feeling like a zombie. If I find time to rest, I'll be awake again for dinner, and back to bed around 1am. My internal clocks need its gears tuned, if not replaced altogether.

(180603 - Wednesday)
It was a slightly more interesting day. It started off with a rude shock when I received a phone call at 8am. My eyes were open for barely a minute when my phone started to buzz. The local number was familiar, but it didn't quite register in my head. The enthusiastic "ELLOOO" at the other end was familiar too but also didn't quite register. The line that followed said it all - "Guess what?! I'm back!".

Yeap - She's back. She didn't even have the courtesy to call me before she got on the plane to give me fair warning. I thought that I had already closed this chapter of my life. Alas, it is not closed. Receiving that call, and finding out what I did, all sorts of funny emotions started to mess about in my heart and mind. I was disturbed once again.

I played truant from work even though I had lots to do. The afternoon was spent doing the one thing I haven't had time to do in a very long time - shopping! After lots of walking, back and forth and back and... well, my date and I got fed up and we decided to actually buy something. So now I'm RM70 poorer, but my wardrobe has another shirt and two ties. How nice!

(170603 - Tuesday)
Today's mad rush was somewhat planned, yet unplanned. It's been a long time since I've gone on such dates, movies with dinner. The night ended in the morning. And I have new found acquaintances, not to mention another date for tomorrow.

(160603 - Monday)
After much slacking off from work over the past couple of weeks, I finally found myself back in the office for a full day. Unfortunately, I fell short of being as productive as should be. All the slacking has made me sloppy. I feel so lethargic while at the office. The work has become mundane. I dread starting new tasks even though the queue just keeps growing. Even that which is urgent is left to collect dust. What shall I do?!

(150603 - Sunday)
I need to learn to wake up on time. Being late for this morning's dimsum landed me with the RM43 bill. Shit like this has got to stop happening to me. The hole in my wallet is getting way too big.

I miss her... and the attention she used to give me. Sigh...

(140603 - Saturday)
GE-Mckinsey Leadership Workshop - undoubtedly something everyone should at least attempt to attend. The content was little but that's usually the case for short programs. The facilitators were young but good, and attractive too!

I need sleep, lots of it. But I don't think I'll be getting any anytime soon.

(130603 - Friday)
Exams are over and done with. The last paper was nerve wrecking. Required 4 out of 7 questions answered. 25 marks per answer. Each question had subsections, and it seemed like I was only confident when answering certain subsections of each question, but not the whole question.

Deciding which of the 4 to answer was the toughest part. I almost gave up and walked out. I pushed on and as it turns out, even with the lack of preparation, I believe I answered almost 90 marks worth of the paper, with time to spare too! The balance of the 10 marks fell on subsections which I was entirely clueless about. The language was atrocious, and seeing that I had no choice, I left it blank.

(120603 - Thursday)
Today's paper didn't go so well. I only started last night, and I couldn't even find my notes. Recreating notes isn't really that hard if you know what's covered in the syllabus, which was exactly my problem. The subject outline was on a sheet of paper in my stack of notes, which I still cannot find. Nonetheless, I actually was able to answer more questions than I initially expected. But the lack of sleep really got to me 2 hours into the examination. Concentrating was extremely hard, and problem solving was worse. It will indeed take one heck of a miracle for me to get a pass.

(110603 - Wednesday)
First paper of the semester went alright. Answered 3 out of 4 questions due to the lack of time. But I think I faired okay. However, I still have doubts about scoring enough to cover for the mid-term QA paper which went so very badly. Tomorrow's another day!

After taking 20 minutes to answer the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator® test, I've been summed up to a Extraversion Intuition Feeling Perceiving (ENFP) person. Interesting indeed. I have to admit that their definition does describe me, to a certain extent. Very interesting!

(100603 - Tuesday)
Yet another day right down the drain. I'm doomed.

As much as I hate to admit it, I've just applied for therapy on certain unresolved issues, pending approval from my therapist and her mom of course. Somethings are just easier to get through when you face the problem head on, while others are better avoided. I sure hope I'm right this time.

As of today, I'm a diploma holder. I finally have some academic value to my name. But in the end, it's still just another piece of paper.

(090603 - Monday)
Today was rather unproductive, as usual. One last day. I had better make the most of it.

When someone keeps pestering you about whether or not you have a girlfriend, even after you repeatedly assure her that you don't, does that mean she's interested? Hmm...

(080603 - Sunday)
58 hours till doomsday. Still another 2 whole subjects to do. I haven't even finished the first of the three. Great huh?!

After a couple of days of dwelling on unhappy issues, I really need closure. But if closure is at the expense of the one I love, then I will do without it. On the other hand, since She doesn't want my heart, I shall let if fly once again. Back to my good old flirtatious ways. Sigh...

(070603 - Saturday)
I need an exit. I need to escape this world. Just for a moment. Just until I'm back to my old self. Just until I find a reason to stop sulking. Just until I find myself again.

(060603 - Friday)
It's hard to believe that all the excitement is over. There's no longer anything worth looking forward to. I have no more zest for living. At the beginning, I never had a reason to live. Then She came along and she became my reason for living. I woke up each morning for Her. Now, I'm back to not having anything to live for. Nothing that I would drag myself out of bed to attend to. Nothing to make me want to wake up and push through another day. Nothing whatsoever. I have nothing.

Letting go is hard, but necessary. And so I'm giving up. I'm giving up the pain and sorrow. I don't enjoy it, so I shall put it away and look for the cheerfulness which once existed within me. I'm sure it's still somewhere around. But where do I start looking?

(050603 - Thursday)
Shit happens when I'm depressed. Today alone, my PC crashed on me while I was halfway through work, not once, but twice! I snapped my spectacles in two, unintentionally. And just after I was telling someone how spectacular the view is from my office on the 14th floor, they have a fire drill. Thirty flights of stairs, no matter up or down, still is just too many!

I'm so torn between not wanting to talk to Her, but dying to hear her voice. How do you mend a broken heart? Superglue anyone?

(040603 - Wednesday)
The day started off very early inspite of the late nights and lack of rest. I had to rush to the airport to see Her off and pass her a letter filled with thoughts from last night. RM10.80 for toll and parking charges. Not to mention the money spent on petrol. As opposed to sending her the letter via snail mail which would cost about RM1. Was it worth the trip? Of course it was!

Her call at night started off pleasantly, and took a sudden change for the worse when she said she wanted to discuss the contents of my letter. Well, it's over. I'm back to square one. Without Her. Why? Because she feels that "there's something missing". Could she be referring to that 'spark'? If so, and it really isn't there, then how in the world did we manage to get this far? How could she have used "euphoria" to describe her feelings? I give her everything anyone could possibly offer, and more, yet it's still not enough. Maybe that spark is already there, but she's looking for something more. And she tells me that I'm too demanding, I ask for too much. Sigh...

I haven't cried in a very long time. I cried today. I've never cried for anyone before, until today. Did it help? Did I feel better? Not the least bit. Sigh...

Where do we go from here? I know I love Her. But now all I want to do is kick her out of my life and move on. These games She's playing are draining too much life out of me. I'm losing my cheer. I'm losing my hope. But wait, it was She who gave me my cheer and my hope. Sigh...

Am I destined to love Her for so long more? Am I cursed to suffer so much because of my love for her? Sigh...

(030603 - Tuesday)
What a screwed up day. One thing led to another. My gloominess got worse, and I said something which hurt the one person I'd never ever want to hurt. Someone just shoot me!

My thirst for attention and affection brings me nothing good. I'm too demanding, so She says. Our differences are beginning to show. What to do? (a) I can give in and try to adjust to her. (b) She can give in and try to adjust to me. (c) We could compromise and adjust to each other. (d) We could end it all right here. I chose (a). Why should I make such a big fuss over it and risk losing the love of my life?!

(020603 - Monday)
I finally got to see Her. After so long. Even if our plans had a slight hiccup with her auntie calling on her for chauffer services, sitting in the passenger seat with her the entire morning was enough to keep me smiling inside.

They say that anticipating an event is much more exciting than the event itself. Well, in this case, having Her around was most definitely so much better than anticipating her presence. I'm so in love and it feels better than ever.

(010603 - Sunday)
Emceeing gets easier each time I do it. I can't wait for my next opportunity to speak in front of a hall full of sleepy people. I may not have the ability to keep them awake, but at least I get to talk. I love to talk. And I love to have people listen. Even if they're only pretending to listen. I love emceeing. =)

Counting down the minutes til I got home as there was a hint of chance that I would get to see Her this evening. It didn't work out so we were left with the ingenius telephone to keep each other company, as usual.