"It was the best of times, it was the worst of times." - Charles Dickens
Nope, too dour and doesn't quite fit. Let's try
A mother may love her child, a child may love its mother, but no love is greater than one drunk's love for another." - Rodney Dangerfield
Well, that one works for Alex, but I can do better.
"There's no point in being grown up if you can't be childish sometimes." - Doctor Who
Ok, that works. With an appropriate quote now in place, let me welcome all of you to my New Year's Eve Wrap-up, 2005. Just like last year, a large and disparate group of people gathered to celebrate in the only way we know how...with
12-1-04 - Behind the Curtain: Poker
11-17-04 - November Thoughts
11-11-04 - Lingerie Ball Recap
10-31-04 - NBA West Preview
10-27-04 - NBA East Preview
10-5-04 - The Fantabulous Houston Astros
10-4-04 - Catching Up
Archives
1) Hello, is this Thing On?- !!!
2) Portland, Oregon- Loretta Lynn & Jack White
3) Misfit - Elefant
4) All These Things I've Done- The Killers
5) If You Leave - Nada Surf
6) Worn Me Down - Rachael Yamagata
7) The Unicorns:2014 - The Unicorns
8) Modeling Sucks - Handsome Boy School of Modeling
9) Without MSG, I'm Nothing - Mclusky
10) Jolene - The White Stripes
TOP 5 DEC. 30TH HIGHLIGHTS
5) At Carrabba's, our group was divided into two tables. At my table, just as we are concluding a discussion on the devastation caused by the tsunamis in Southeast Asia, someone at the other table shouts, "Is Jeff's penis really that small?" Since when do I sit at the grown-up table?
4) I drunkenly call Dave and leave the following message "Hi Dave, it's Glenn. We really miss you a...(static)...not the same...(static)...you and Blake are and entity...(static)...I know Anne-Marie is just a phase...(static)...Happy New Year or whatever Jewish holiday it is. Ok, bye."
3) Blake pocket dials his ex-girlfriend's parents' house...five times. Don't know how you explain that away, even though he was the sober one.
2) Earlier in the night, I bet Jeff that he will hook-up with MMM. I even give him odds. Even though he has total control, I still win the bet.
1) End the night watching Pornucopia on the couch...just like I have ended seemingly every night
DEC. 31ST DIARY
Before everyone arrives - Dave is very protective of his room, but since we had so many people staying with us, he graciously allowed us to offer his room as a place to sleep. I placed a sign on his door stipulating the requirements for using the room:
1) The bed must be shared.
2) The couple sharing the bed must be boy-girl.
3) If Kevin is sharing in the bed, you must hook up with him.
4) If Reid is sharing the bed, hooking up is optional, though you probably want to more.
Oh, and I got a pet guinea pig named Cedric.
6:00 - We (Blake, Jeff, Gahan, Jennifer, Reena, and I) start to get ready. Michelle has graciously offered to host a dinner pre-party for our group and we are supposed to be there at 7:00.
6:20 - Chien shows up in a brand new suit...and looks both sharp and intelligent.
6:30 - Kevin and Reid finally arrive. Man hugs all around. We tell Kevin that since he isn't around as much anymore, we are demoting him to a B-List friend and promoting Alex and Hari. Once he gets some at-bats in the minors, he can move back up to the A-List. (Just kidding guys...Alex and Hari have always been A-List in my book.)
6:45 - MMM arrives...she has gotten a lot of crap in this column before, but I give credit when its due. She looked stunning.
6:50 - Walk to the nearby Shell station to get ice for the party. Return and put ice in my trunk.
7:07 - Kevin and Reid still aren't ready to go. I'd make a joke about them being girls, but the girls in our group have all been ready for twenty minutes.
7:15 - Finally leave. When we dress up, we are a pretty sharp looking group.
7:17 - Pick up Leigh (who's birthday it is). Finally head towards Michelle's.
7:35 - Arrive at the pre-party, which is already crowded, and find that a few people already seem drunk.
Until 8:15 - Dinner and requisite small talk.
8:15 - Reid and Kevin's friends (Lynn, Elisa, and Maribel) arrive from Austin. Kevin bringing in his own girls? What is this, 1999?
8:30 - Gahan spills red wine all over Michelle's dress and her carpet. Do you think I'm going to introduce you to my friends anymore?
8:45-9:00 - Order cabs and pass out tickets
9:00 - Get everyone to wait outside for the cabs. The roommates Jeff conspire to get everyone to walk in one big circle around Michelle's confusing apartment complex. Much funnier to see than it is in writing.
9:15 - Two cabs have left, but the rest of us our tired of waiting. We decide to drive downtown with our few remaining sober drivers.
9:35 - Finally arrive at the Rice Hotel. We are having trouble getting into the valet line, so Jeff gets out of his car and stands in front of the limousine near the head of the line. MMM and I pull our cars right into the front of the valet line.
9:45 - Make it into the hotel lobby and find our friends. There is one bar open (rum only) so Alex, Jennifer, Reena, and I make our way over to get a drink.
9:50 - While waiting in line, I look at the group of four that I am standing with and quip, "You know what this reminds me of...New Year's Eve last year!" Not one person cracks a smile. I turn around sheepishly.
10:00 - They open up the second level, and everyone heads upstairs.
10:00-10:30 - First impressions: The quality of alcohol is much better than expected (Belvedere, Grey Goose, etc.), the crowd is younger than expected and actually pretty good looking. Leigh describes it as "Houstonians who want to be rich, but aren't actually, cause if they were, they wouldn't be spending New Year's in Houston.
10:30 - Jeff discovers that there are a number of champagne bottles out on the bar. Soon we have stolen four of them.
10:35 - The champion drinkers are starting to become apparent. Blake is ordering three cosmos and pouring them into one big cup, Alex, Jeff, and Rob McD are never without multiple drinks, and I am double-fisting bottles of champagne.
10:45 - In between pouring champagne for all of my friends, new and old, Alex and I decide to make a series of wagers on potential hook-ups. I bet against Adam and Amanda (even money) and on Jeff and MMM (1-3). Alex and I are both pretty sure that we placed a bet on Blake too, but neither of us remembers exactly what we bet on or what side we took.
10:46 - Pull Reid aside and ask him how likely he is to hook up. He says he doesn'y know who with, but he is very confident that it will happen.
10:47 - Bet on Reid (1-2) with the field.
10:50 - Adam is indignant when he hears that I bet against him. I try to explain that it is nothing personal, that you just never know where a night is going, etc., etc. Unfortunately, I think that it just strengthened his resolve.
11:00 - The organizers realized that they would run out of champagne before New Year's if they didn't hide it behind the bar. This sparks Jeff's interest.
11:05 - MMM and Jennifer are complaining about the lack of champagne. Jeff guarantees that he can get a bottle in 35 seconds if they agree to kiss each other with tongue. This wager catches my attention. I don't know exactly what Jeff is planning, but I get involved. To sweeten the deal, Jeff and I agree to buy them breakfast if he fails.
11:06 - Bet starts. Jeff seems to have a plan, but is movie too slowly for my taste. I run behind the bar, grab a bottle, and catches Jeff's attention. We sprint across the room, execute and Olympic level baton pass, and Jeff wins his bet.
11:10 - Jennifer and MMM stop their complaining long enough to kiss. Unfortunately, no picture exists because Jeff's head was in the way. I have now seen Jennifer kiss MMM, Sarah, Michelle, Susan, Leigh, Kiley, Jill, Liz, and....well, I'm sure there are more. We need to get the Guiness Book involved in this continuing saga.
11:15 - Kevin pulls me aside and tells me that we need to make sure that everyone is together at midnight. I agree and we designate a location to tell everyone that we see.
11:20 - Woah...the alcohol is starting to make things blurry in a very happy way.
11:21 - Kevin pulls me aside again, this time grabbing Blake and Jeff too. He proceeds to tell us how much he wants to remain an A-List friend and how he will do anything to stay on that level. We tell him that we are just kidding and that he will always be A-list to us. This would be touching if it wasn't so funny.
11:25 - Reid and Chien go hit on a couple of the dancers hired for this event. Reid and one dancer exchange phone numbers. She's eighteen.
11:30 - Kevin and I begin making rounds to try to make sure that everyone knows that we are meeting on the balcony.
11:31 - Run into Amanda and am immediately distracted...
11:37 - So much so that she gets me on a half empty dance floor. The problem is that I am drunk enough to dance but not drunk enough to feel like I am doing a good job.
11:40 - Talk for a bit and decide that I am in love with her.
11:45 - Realize that I need to continue my round-up of people.
11:46 - Run into Alex and Adam and become distracted again. Feel guilty about the bet and decide that I'm no longer in love with Amanda.
11:50 - Go down to the bathroom with Adam. He rambles about how he isn't serious Adam tonight. I reliaze I can't be that drunk yet, because he is definitely more drunk than me.
11:57 - Make a last desperate scramble to get everyone together.
12:00 - Umm, somehow missed that.
12:01-12:10 - So we decide to do our own countdown. Everyone kisses everyone. always interesting to see who kisses with cheek, who kisses with lips, and who kisses with tongue. Tough call on the Luke-Caroline kiss of this year.The contenders are...
1) Gahan and Reena - Good kiss, but my favorite part was Kevin's comment, "I really hope they don't hook-up...that's all Reena's ego needs.
2) Amanda and Adam - I quickly realize that not only am I not in love anymore, but I'm also likely out a couple of dollars.
3) Jeff and Nick - During the "Accenture Kiss", MMM and Liz backed away leaving Jeff and Nick to kiss.
I also have a drunken memory of kissing Travis on the cheek...God, I hope that didn't really happen.
12:10 - I call Sarah and pass the phone around, with each of us telling her answering machine how much we miss her and love her. Except for Jeff. He tells the machine, "I don't know who you are, but I know you want to fuck me" and passes the phone on.
12:15 - Turn around quickly to go inside and walk right into a low overhanging part of the building. Chien said it looked like I walked straight through this cement sign.
12:16 - Reid sees me and asks if I'm ok. I assure him that I am, only to realize that I'm bleeding steadily.
12:18 - I walk straight to the men's room, cutting in front of a line of thirty people. I realize that it must be bad when no one objects.
12:20 - I start to get the bleeding under control. A few strangers ask me what happened, and I tell them that my girlfriend hit me in the head with her high heel because she thought I kissed her best friend a little too long at New Year's. In the men's room, that got both laughs and sympathy. Figured it was better than "I walked into a wall."
12:25 - Re-join my friends, where the girls seem to be sympathetic and the guys tend to find it hilarious. Lynn keeps insisting that I get stitches and Leigh suggests I have a concussion, but I blow them off. There is no way I am going to the ER on New Year's Eve for a cut that has stopped bleeding. Even if it does leave me with a lifelong scar.
12:30-1:15 - Jeff and Jennifer disappear from the group. We later learn that Jennifer was looking for a place to go to the bathroom and Jeff said "I know a place". They proceeded to get into the elevator with an overfriendly Middle Eastern man and his wife. The couple suggested that they go up to their apartment for some champagne. Desperate for a bathroom, Jeff and Jen agree. The man continued to insist that all of their friends come up to their apartment, but Jennifer tried to explain that there were thirty of us. I'm convinced they were interested in wife-swapping...you should see the pictures.
12:30 - We call Susan and pass the phone around again. I have no recollection of what was said.
12:45 - Multiple girls come up to me to complain that Rob was getting a little too friendly with his New Year's kisses.
12:50 - Aaron calls me back from Susan's phone and sexually harasses me for a few minutes.
1:00 - I turn around to see Rob kissing Tiffany goodbye, with Jim, the guy who I thought was Tiffany's boyfriend, standing sheepishly next to them. It wasn't just a goodbye kiss...it was a full-on, tongue down throat, leg up in the air 5 minute make out session. When I told Rob about it the next morning, he said "So that's why Jim was so cold to me this morning."
1:15 - Jeff and I exchange a series of a phone calls trying to figure out where each of us is. I tell Jeff that we are by the Grey Goose bar that we have been at all night, but this only seems to confuse him more. I agree to come find him.
1:16 - I forget to do that, but hand the phone to MMM to go do it.
1:25 - I remember that a girl fondled me. I have no idea who it was.
1:35 - Go to the dance floor to dance, what's left of our party is all there.
1:40 - I see Blake and Jennifer making out on the dance floor...this alternately amuses me and infuriates me the remainder of the night, before ultimately settling on amusement.
1:45 - Leigh and I share a moment on the dance floor. I decide I love her. What is it about the Rice hotel dance floor?
1:50 - I'm over it.
2:00 - The lights come on and we are all ushered out. Blake walks over to me and wordlessly puts my jacket (which Jen had been wearing) over my shoulders. This was one of the infuriating moments.
2:15 - Everyone is congregating in front of the hotel, trying to figure out how we are getting home. I'm assuming that we're taking a cab, but Chien convinces me to give him my valet slip. I promptly forget about this.
2:21, 2:22, 2:23, and 2:24 - Alex and I have a series of phone calls, each going exactly as follows:
Alex: Where are you guys?
Glenn: In front of the hotel. Where are you?
Alex: At the light rail stop, I bought a ticket. Where are you guys again?
Glenn: In front of the hotel. The light rail isn't running anymore. Come over to us.
Alex: Where are you guys?
Glenn: IN FRONT OF THE HOTEL WHERE WE JUST WERE!!!!!
Alex: I need you to be more specific.
2:25 - Chien pulls around in my car. I forgot that I gave him the slip, so this is like a gift from God.
2:26 - Leigh, Jennifer, Blake and I all pile into the backseat. Elisa joins Chien in the front seat and looks very bitter. Blake and Jennifer make out sloppily all the way home...this is one of the amusing moments. Leigh and I are laughing hysterically.
2:30 - Rob finds Alex wandering doen the middle of Main Street. The two of them get in a cab with Jeff and MMM
2:45 - The eighteen year old dancer who Reid met earlier in the night keeps calling. Reid doesn't no what to do, so he just ignores the situation.
2:50 - I arrive home. Chien goes to get TC. Blake and Jennifer run up to Blake's room, and Elisa makes a phone call. Leigh and I pop down on the couch and watch Pornucopia.
2:55 - Gahan and Reena arrive home and join us for some top notch porn docudrama.
3:00 - Jeff and MMM arrive home.The whole cab ride home, Alex is trying to convince MMM not to hook-up with Jeff. When Jeff gets out of the cab, he pushes it hard and yells, "Get the hell out of my car!!!" Fortunately, the only person laughing harder than Alex and Rob is the cabby.
3:05 - Jeff and MMM go up to bed. I later learn that Jeff promptly passed out in his tuxedo, so I'm 0-for-2 on my wagers. Go Reid!!!
3:10 - Chien arrives with the TC, and promptly leaves.
3:15 - Reid, Lynn, Maribel, and Kevin arrive at my place. They make a beeline to the kitchen to start drinking Dave's Goldschlager.
3:25 - Reena and Gahan retreat to his room to talk. I'm sensing a pattern.
3:30 - Elisa leaves to go "get something from her car". She promptly leaves...we later learn she drove back to Austin. At 3:30 AM. After an open bar on New Year's Eve. Ok...
3:45 - Leigh starts worrying about how she is going to get home. We go into the kitchen and she asks if Kevin or Reid can take her home. They look at her like she is speaking Italian.
3:50 - On the white board is a list of people who I thought may be attending the New Year's festivities. After each name, Reid wrote the following -
Reid "12-inch" Barker
MMM - Jeff...duh
Leigh "Silver Dollar Nipples" Sylvan
Kevin - Jizzes on Red Snappers (no idea what that means)
Blake - Doing Rammage in the pooper
Hari "Looks Weird"
Reena - Gahan has huge nuts
4:05 - I walk Leigh home. If I can't hook up, I might as well go down the nice guy route so people will speak well of me at my funeral.
4:20 - I go to bed. But I later learn the party was just beginning.
4:45 - Reid, Kevin, Lynn, and Maribel all retire to Dave's room.
***Column interruption - I just want to point something out for those of you who don't know Dave well...Great guy, tad neurotic. Especially about his stuff and personal space. ***
4:45:30 - Reid has convinced everyone to get naked. And we thought we were only joking when we suggested that Kevin and Reid might be gay for each other.
Between 4:46 and when I wake up - Reid does the following things: dips his balls into Lynn's water and doesn't tell her until after she finished it, gives her a "Roman Facemask" which is sort of like an upside down tea bag complete with penis, leads the pairing off. I'm not sure who I love more..Reid for making this happen or Lynn for finding this funny.
NEW YEAR'S DAY
10:00 - I wake up and immeidately realize that Leigh was right...I did have a concussion. I go downstairs and start picking up the previous night's mess.
10:15 - I hear Kevin's voice, so I knock on Dave's door. Entering, I immediately notice the smell of sex. Immediately thinking of Dave's reaction, I start to laugh. They proceed to tell me all of the stories I just relayed to you.
10:25 - Kevin agrees to go get breakfast food with me, so I go to the living room to get ready.
10:45 - Haven't left yet, and Jeff and Blake have come downstairs. Everyone starts piecing together the previous nights events.
11:00 - Everyone else gathers in the living room in a mix of pride and shame. Jeff makes the mistake of announcing that he is wearing tearaways with no underwear.
11:30 - Since we can hear the growling of people's stomachs, Blake, Kevin, Jeff, and I finally leave to go to do something about breakfast.
11:45 - Stop at Blockbuster first to get some crowdpleasing movies for the day. We weren't inside for two minutes before Blake had pantsed Jeff right in front of the New Releases. He tore away his pants so completely that it took Jeff a full 10 seconds to recover completely.
11:50 - Settle on Mean Girls and Shaun of the Dead. Everyone is holding their waistbands up as we walk outside.
11:55 - Get in the car and drive to get kolaches. On the way, Kevin exclaims, "Hey, everyone in your house hooked up except for you, Glenn!" I love my friends.
Noon - At Kolache Factory, we make Kevin order. Then when it is time to pay, we all claim to have forgotten our wallets.
12:02 - Walking out of the store, I depants Jeff in front of a table of high school girls. Pretty sure that's not legal.
12:05 - Drive by a seven year old girl on the street and Blake says, "She's going to be hot when she gets older".
12:10-2:00 - Eat kolaches and watch Mean Girls.
2:15 - Realize that I left the ice I bought from Shell in my trunk overnight.
2:30 - 4:00 - We all gradually gather in Dave's room. Jeff humps read from behind in a way that is even more gay than normal. We joke and tell stories. Kevin, Lynn, Maribel, and I are on Dave's bed, Reid, Jeff, and MMM are on Dave's futon, and Jeff, Reena, and Blake are standing. I joke that it would be pretty funny if Dave got back from Florida and found us all in his room. I suggested that he'd pretend to think it was funny, but actually be pretty pissed off.
4:05 - Dave got back from Florida and found us all in his room. We all laughed uncomfortably. He pretended to think it was funny but I think he was actually kinda pissed. And this is before I told him Kevin and Reid drank all of his Goldschlager and slept naked in his room.
I hope those of you who made it through this column really enjoyed it and that those of you who were there had a great time. Like I said before, I know I probably missed half of the things that happened that night, so feel free to post anything you feel comfortable sharing on my message board.
Everyone can skip this last paragraph. This is just the obligatory section where I tell you how much you all mean to me and how happy I am to have such a caring, immature, sarcastic, fun-loving, and supportive group of friends. Take care, and lets all do this again next year.
