10-31-04 - NBA West Preview
10-27-04 - NBA East Preview
10-5-04 - The Fantabulous Houston Astros
10-4-04 - Catching Up
7-6-04 - Some Thoughts
7-5-04 - My Triumphant Return
6-3-04 - Alex's Take on Tubing
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Party Recap columns used to be easy. All of the usual characters were there, my readership knew who the people I was talking about were, and best of all, I knew everyone could take a joke. It takes a special group of people to allow me to spill all of their dirty laundry and describe all of their most embarrassing actions. I knew a Blake or a Michelle or a Fez or a MMM could take a joke, but I'm not as sure about some of the new people coming to our parties. I was relating this problem to Alex, when he pointed out the only way that I'd ever know is if I just went ahead and wrote the column. At the risk of losing some new friends/acquaintances, here goes...
Before I get into the meat of the column, I feel that it will be helpful for me to provide a few character sketches of the med students that I think will have a recurring place in future columns:
1) It's Good to Be in Love- Frou Frou
2) Everything in it's Right Place- Radiohead
3) I Wanna Be Your Dog - The Stooges
4) Your Birthday Present - The Good Life
5) It's A Hit - Rilo Kiley
6) Banquet - Bloc Party
7) Take On Me - Ah Ha
8) If Your Mother Only Knew - Rahzel
9) What Became of the Likely Lads - The Libertines
10) Twilight - Elliot Smith
Dave - One of my current roommates, Blake roommate last year. Dave can be intense, and is obsessive about tanning, working out, and watching Smallville. Once described by a friend as "the gayest straight man I know", Dave is just straight-laced enough to be embarrassed by the stuff I'll write about him. Should be fun.
G - About as nice as Fez and nearly as entertaining a drunk as Blake, I'm sure G stories will be plentiful in the future. He is so nice that he makes people call him "G", instead of his real name which is Guarav or something like that.
Gahan - My other roommate, previously referred to as White Boy Jeff, Caucasian Jeff, or Jeff G. Is smart, good-looking, and was a Division I athlete, but is still convinced that God hates him. Has better college stories than anyone I know.
Got the actors straight? Good. Now let me tell you about my top ten memories from our First Annual Lingerie Ball. As always, I only can report on what I fuzzily remember or what I was told later. Here goes:
10) The Beginning - When a houseful of five guys decide to throw a lingerie party, the number one fear is that it will turn into a sausage fest. And that is exactly what it was for the first hour of the party. At one point I counted 22 guys and three girls with boyfriends. Not exactly our target demographic. Fortunately, the girls began to arrive in bulk around 11:00, evening out the numbers. I have to say I was impressed with the outfits...people generally went all out. Maybe too all out in the case of a couple of guys in bow ties and boxer briefs. There were a couple of guys who showed up in normal clothes, but I'm sure that they were just embarrased of their small penises.
9) Person-Watching - I spent the majority of my night playing host, so I was bouncing around from group to group. This was entertaining because you could watch how alcohol was affecting people's personalities. Most people start the night making inane small talk, but are on to slurring all of their secrets by the end of the night. Not Andrew. Everytime I talked to him, all he wanted to discuss was how hot one of the girls at the party was. Sure, he slurred his words a little as the night went on, but he definitely had a one track mind. Late in the night, as he was praising her again, one of my friend's asked "What about (Girlfiend's name witheld out of friendship)"? Andrew answered, "Who's that"? I think he was serious.
8) Alex's night - I'm not sure if Alex's was on blood thinners that night, but the alcohol really seemed to hit him hard. Thirty minutes and two drinks into the night his shirt was at Spec's (over our back fence) and he was steadily slurring his words. At one point he went up to Jeff's room to try to get him to come out when it was obvious that Jeff was in there with MMM for the night. Alex continuously knocked on the door until Jeff couldn't concentrate anymore. To scare Alex away, he answered the door completely naked...and at half mast. A few sheets to the wind later, Alex's girlfriend Eliz and I told him that we were going up to my room to hook up. He ignored us, so we went up to my room and shut the door. After we were in there talking for about fifteen minutes (she, too, advises me to quit law school) Lauren throws open my door and yells, "Alex, they aren't really hooking up!" He had reason to be concerned...I have kissed his girlfriend before. And if you don't think I wrote this entire blurb just to toss in that little nugget...well, you don't know me very well.
7) G - One of the advantages for guys at this party was that we could all just wear loose fitting pajama pants. I can't tell you how great this is...if I could, this is all that I'd ever wear. Since G didn't have a pair, I was nice enough to let him borrow my favorite pants. I would have to wear some less comfortable sweat pants, but hey, a small sacrifice for a friend. As the night went on and I started to get a little drunker, those pants began to look more and more comfortable. My generosity was starting to be overtaken by my selfishness, so I decided to do something about it. Taking no notice of the girl that G was talking to, I took it into my own hands to take my pants back. Unfortunately for G, I also took his boxers into my own hands, inadvertantly scarring some girl for life.
6) My Pantry - Later in the night, G was standing in my kitchen when he sees a female friend walk out of the pantry. He said, "Hi!' as she nodded and walked off sheepishly. Thinking it strange that this girl was walking out of the pantry, he decided to investigate further. Before he could open the door, out walks Amir. I don't have any confirmed details, but I haven't eaten anything from that pantry that wasn't in a sealed package since.
5) The Fabulous Barker Boys - Simply put, Reid and Blake were rock stars. I don't think I know two more entertaining, antagonistic drunks than the Barkers. Highlights:
- Blake walking around taking swigs from a bottle of Pepe Lopez, a tequila as cheap as it sounds.
- Reid face-planting into the rocks in our backyard and taking the tap to the keg with him. The best part was when he looked up at me and pathetically cried, "Glenn, please help me up"
- Blake making people take tequila shots with seasoning salt. When told that the real salt was right next to him, Blake put a finger up to his mouth and said "Shhh!"
- Dave walked up to Reid and asked him how his night was going...Reid responded by shoving him up against the wall.
- Dave and G noticed that Blake was severely intoxicated and went over to try to take his tequila bottle away and help him to bed. Blake saw them coming, drunkenly realized their intent, and yelled "Don't even think about putting your fucking hands on me."
- Reid was playing Twister with his friend Ilsa in the living room. Frustrated that he hadn't beaten her yet, he kicked her over so that he could win.
- Blake biting it in the kitchen, taking down Missy with a flying body tackle. Blake somehow kept the tequila safe, but it wouldn't be his last encounter with Missy for the night.
4) Dance Party - And the award for the most Homo-erotic moment of the night goes to...the male 2nd year med students from Baylor!!!! The house was divided musically into three areas: Bob Schneider was playing by the keg outside, hip-hop was playing in Dave's room, and 80's music was playing in the living room. The 80's music was my idea...I thought it might encourage some people to dance. I just didn't realize what people. As the party was starting to wind down, I walked in on an unexpected sight...twelve guys, with no girls, had spontaneously started dancing in my living room. I'm still not sure why...
3) Fez and Gahan - These two entertain me...they should have a buddy show on the WB. Neither had a very good night. Jeff was told that his Chinese script tatoo that he thought meant "family" actually read "house slave" and Hari had his toe broken by some girl in high heels. I'm not sure if these events triggered what followed or if it was Blake egging them on, but pretty early in the night Gahan ripped Hari's wife-beater right off of him. Hari stewed over this for a little while, then worked up the courage to rip Gahan's shirt off. This wouldn't have been that bad, except it was his Iowa State swimming shirt...an irreplaceable item since the program has been disbanded. This upset Gahan. He tried to rip Hari's pants (actually Blake's pants) in half, picking Hari up and slamming him into the garage. I'd feel bad for Hari if it wasn't so damn funny. Gahan's night wasn't all bad, though. A third year med student took a slightly obsessive interest in him. All night long this person tried to bribe Dave to get Gahan to take his pants off. Dave egged them on by talking about how endowed Jeff was (you know, since they share a bathroom). According to Dave, this third year was practically drooling. Unfortunately for Gahan, this third year was a guy.
2) House Hook-ups - I want to let you take a peek behind the curtain of guydom. Q: Why do we host parties? A: To sleep with you or your female friends. Surprised? You thought we just enjoy your company enough to provide you with a couple of hundred dollars of alcohol, no questions asked? Silly, silly reader. Sure, we like you guys, but at the end of the night, we are definitely thinking with our penises. We know that the guys of our house will be the most attractive options to extremely drunk girls since we can offer beds. Sneaky? You bet. Sketchy? Maybe a little. With that goal in mind, I must say that The First Annual Lingerie Ball was an unqualified success. Honestly, when was the last time that core group members Blake, Kevin, Munoz, and I all hooked up on the same night? I can't give you an exact date, but I'm sure that it involved Liz, random friend of Jennifer's, random unsuspecting freshman, and Kiley...circa 2001. Heck, even Chien had an interesting night...sorta. Here's the breakdown:
Kevin - Kevin was being a pansy, claiming well into the middle of the week that he wouldn't be coming to Houston for the party. Once he decided to come, though, he came with a gusto. Before he even left Austin he called a former Houston-based hook-up and told her that she better have room in her bed, because he was staying with her. Once at the party, he was impressively single-minded. After about thirty minutes, he was constantly in her ear trying to get her to leave to go hook-up. This continued to go on for the next two hours. Kevin "Battering" Rammage. Eventually he got his wish, but I don't think things went as well as he had hoped. Don't you hate those nights when a girl decides to make a stand to prove she's not "easy".
Munoz - Jeff hooked up with MMM. Shocking.
Glenn - Yes, yes I know. When did I become the guy whose hook-up's friends have to leave large phone numbers on the whiteboard with a message that reads "CALL ME IF YOU NEED HELP"?!?! Twenty year old Glenn would hate his aging counterpart.
Dave - Dave was initially very mysterious about his hook-up, though it only took about fifteen minutes to realize that even casual acquaintances had seen coming for months. As Gahan put it, we now have two couples in our house that aren't "dating".
Chien - Ok, so Chien didn't actually hook up. But he did get to drive his dream girl home. Sadly, I think that might be where the relationship peaks.
Blake - As I previously described, Blake was in fine form. The problem with Blake when he is drunk is that he tends to fall into old patterns (Yes, I realize that you could say that about me too). Take tequila, mix generously with a female friend, and voila! You've got Blake's kryptonite. as the party was winding down to the drunk and the desperate, most of the remaining guests were dancing in my living room. Out of the corner of my eye, I see someone lying on the couch with their legs up in the air. I look over and see Blake and Missy making out like its their job. Didn't getting thrown out of a Isle of Capri bathroom teach you two anything? Knowing that this was a bad idea for both of his friends, I see G drop to his knees and torturedly yell "No!!!!" Meanwhile, the rest of us just stand back and gawk, some more observantly than others. As Blake runs his hand up Missy's leg, only Amir is sober enough to realize that the leg belongs to Hari. Fortunately, he is a good enough friend to step in and stop it. A few minutes later, Missy and Blake tire of all of the attention and run hand in hand up to his bedroom. After 15 minutes, Amir and Kelly are good enough friends to stop that too. The next morning while helping Blake fill in the gaps, I notice that he has three nipples. Thinking this odd, I examine further. To the right of Blake's nipples, he has developed a large purple bruise. I wonder where that came from...
1) The Morning After - Those of you who are regular readers to this column know that this is usually the place where I get sappy and try to go all Kevin and find a deeper meaning to my drunken adventures. Sure, re-hashing the previous night's stories with friends is the cat's meow, but you all know that by now. And sure the finding G and Blake in bed together wearing very little clothing was amusing, especially since I was wrongly convinced that he was in there with a girl. But the reason that this is number one is that this was the Saturday where the Astros began their string of three home playoff victories against the Cardinals. Although the excitement was short-lived, these were my favorite three days in the last couple of years. So I think that trumps any party, no matter how memorable.
