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Journal
Entry September 15, 2003 I am so tired.
That’s what bothers me the most. Not
the busy schedule, not the mountains of homework, not the mass of dirty dishes
in the sink that I now lovingly called Mt. Everest.
It’s the fact that I’m so tired, I just want to lay in my bed and
sleep, but I slept plenty last night, and I really don’t have the time or
desire to sleep anymore. I’m much
too hyper to be this tired. It’s
seems mean to be both hyper and a busy-body yet have some sort of strange
fatigue that never goes away. These are the thoughts that I was thinking
while I was driving to school this morning.
I had a cousin who used to ask me periodically what I was thinking and
then get upset when I found I couldn’t answer him.
Therefore, I will give you an account of the thought processes that are
continually going through my head so you will understand why I have so much
trouble answering that question and so you won’t go through the same
aggravation that he did. To give
you a sense of time, my trip to school is approximately forty-five minutes.
However, please keep in mind that that was at 10 o’clock in the
morning, and it is now 3:24 so this thought process occurred a long time ago and
may vary somewhat from the original thought process. I apologize for any discrepancies. I hate going to classes.
I don’t hate learning, in fact I love learning, it’s just the fact
that I have to drive so far to sit so long in so many classes learning things
that are most likely never going to be used in real life.
I don’t mind my Meteorology class since that deals with real time
weather and, while it is extremely time consuming, will likely come in handy in
the workforce. I like my American
Novel class since any type of lit course is just plain fun. For me, there’s nothing greater than taking apart any type
of writing, whether it be a novel, short story, poetry or whatever else, and
discussing it in a classroom setting where you have so many different minds,
viewpoints, and ideas. I really
don’t mind my Physical Meteorology class either, although the homework
assignments drive me crazy because they don’t fit my style of learning.
In fact, they clash, and I usually end up either screaming in frustration
or throwing across the room whatever is nearest to me.
It’s my Statistics class that I hate.
I do have to swallow my pride here and say that I realize Statistics is
quite useful in real-life however I think watching paint dry would be more
interesting. Hmm.. So I guess
I don’t hate my classes as bad as I thought I did.
It’s strange how hatred for one thing can overshadow can overshadow so
many good things. That’s
something I’ll have to think about later. It’s cool, and I love this time of year when
it’s summer but not summer, hot but not hot.
It’s cloudy but not cloudy, the clouds painted lines across the sky.
It’s sunny but not sunny, at least not sunny like the South is usually
sunny, hot and bright and giving me a migraine.
I would be happy living in a place where it’s like this all the time. I’m so tired. I hate
being tired because it’s hard to connect with myself. These days are hard for me when I don’t feel like myself,
like I’m existing but not existing in the same way that I’m usually
existing, like I’m existing in another existence that separate from my usual
existence. There’s the existing
world and the non-existing world. I
don’t like the non-existing world because nothing is, it’s either was or will
be and is
doesn’t make since because it doesn’t exist in the non-existing world.
So, who am I? I’m living
in the will be which never comes. Life is not finite, it’s continuous. Cars drive too slow.
Too slow. 35 mph is slow,
not safe, it’s slow and dangerous and not to mention annoying. Everyone here drives slow like they have nowhere to go.
The stores are empty but the roads are crowded.
Where is everybody going? A car is turning to the right, turning too
slowly, swinging out to far to miss a bird that has obviously little life
experience and is happily crossing the road, lost in its own thoughts.
This restores my faith in human kind.
For some reason, this distracts me from my thoughts, and all I can think
about is Target and getting the perfect pair of black pants. Now, back to the present.
For the sake of time, I omitted the common worries that are always
present in the back of my mind such as the worry that I will be late, that I
won’t have enough time to go to Target, that I have homework due tomorrow, and
I don’t understand it, that I’m behind in Statistics because I hate it, that
my car might break down, that I won’t slam into the car in front of me
that’s just slammed on his brakes, etc etc.
This is a common thought process so now can it be understood why I cannot
formulate an answer when people ask me what I’m thinking?
It might also now be understood why I’m so insane. On a more disturbing and tortuous note, I am officially going on a diet.
The moment of truth came when I added two inches to my waist, three
pounds to my weight, and my size nine jeans are now too tight, and I would
rather lead a symphony of singing dogs than go back to wearing a double digit
size. So far, I’m doing good.
For breakfast, I have a lean cuisine dinner (I know, that’s strange,
but when you’re in school and have classes ALL THROUGH lunch, you do what you
can), two yummy Atkin’s Diet peanut butter cups, and now I’m about to
consume my sensible dinner of hamburger helper.
Hey, you have to do what you can. They
say it’s best to keep a diet journal so I’m going to attempt it and hope I
succeed.
© EXCEL
What do you want to do?
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