Jokes

In a bid to sign a replacement for Michael Chopra, Andy Ritchie (Barnsley manager) scouts the latest striking sensation - a 20 year old Iraqi striker with great potential. After watching him for a few games Andy takes the plunge and buys him.

On his debut, the young striker finds himself on the bench and with 20 minutes to go Barnsley are 4-0 down. He comes on in the 71st minutes and scores 5 goals to clinch 3 points for the Tykes, he becomes an instant hit with all Barnsely fans world-wide.

On his return home he immediately rings his mother and tells her the glorious start he has made to his career.

"That's nice dear" says his mother "now let me tell you about my day; your father was shot, your brother has joined a gang of looters and both myself and your sister were beaten and molested in the streets."

"Oh mother I'm so sorry..." he replies, his heart breaking

"SORRY?" she screams "It's your bloody fault we moved to Barnsley in the first place!"

A primary teacher starts a new job at a school in Hoyland and trying to make a good impression on her first day, explains to her class that she is a Barnsley fan. She asks her students to raise their hands if they, too, are Barnsley fans.

Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl. The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says: "Mary, why didn't you raise your hand?" "Because I'm not a Barnsley fan," she replied.

The teacher, still shocked, asked: "Well, if you're not a Barnsley fan, then who are you a fan of?"

"I'm a Sheffield United fan, and proud of it," Mary replied.

The teacher could not believe her ears. "Mary, why, pray tell, are you a United fan?"

"Because my mum and dad are from Sheffield, and my mum is a United
fan and my dad is a United fan, so I'm a United fan too!"

"Well," said the teacher, in a obviously annoyed tone, "that's no
reason for you to be a United fan. You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time. What if your mum was a prostitute and your dad was a drug addict and a car thief, what would you be then?"

"Then," Mary smiled, "I'd be a Barnsley fan."

Paul Sturrock is leaving the car park at Hillsborough after another defeat, he doesn't know what to do next, so he turns to booze. He thinks he'd better get home sharpish and have a whisky or two to settle himself down. Keen to beat the rush hour traffic, Turner puts his foot down and speeds off along the fast lane. Moments later, the traffic police pull him over.

The officer asks the dirty farmer boy for his documents. Clocking that its the famous Mr Sturrock, the officer decides to take pity on the pie-munching under-achiever.

"Its alright Paul, consider yourself on a final warning, next time we'll have to book you" the officer explained.

Sturrock looks less than pleased with the caution, puts his head in his hands and begins to sob softly.

"Whats the matter?" the bewildered officer enquires.

Paul looks up with a tear in his eye and squeals "Just what is it I have to do to get 3 points?".

A blind man walks into a Sports Shop and asks for a football with his clubs emblem on it,
the assistant in the shop says, "Why waste your money, as your blind just buy the cheaper plain ball."

The blind guy says I might be blind but i could tell you any emblem on any ball in your shop, the assistant takes the blind man over to the footballs and hands him a ball, "What emblem's on that ball then?

The blind man puts it to his ear and quickly says "Norwich", the assistant is amazed and asks the guy how he did it, the blind guy said "When I listen to the ball I could hear Canaries.

The stunned shop assistant hands him another ball, the blind guy quickly says "Newcastle" and said he could hear the Magpies.

The shocked Shop assistant hands him a third ball and in record time the blind man says, "Sheffield Wedn*sday", WOW the assistant says, "Did you hear Ow*s hooting?

"No", the blind man replies, "That one was the easiest as it's going down...It had to be Wedn*sday!"

Q. What is the difference between a Pig and a trampoline?
A. You take your shoes off to jump on a trampoline.

Q. What's the difference between Hillsb*rough and a hedgehog?
A. On a hedgehog the pricks are on the outside.

Q. What does Chris Turner say when Danny Maddix scores?
A. Great, now try it at the other end.

Q. What has yeast and a Dingle got in common?
A. They are both inbred.

Q. Why don't pig fans get tea breaks at work?
A. Because it takes too long to re-train them.

Q. What's the difference between a cocktail stick and Sheffield Wedn*sday
Football Club?
A. A cocktail stick has two more points than Wedn*sday.

Hold on, they've still got two games left, if they win both them, then.....................there still down!

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