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OVERALL IMPRESSIONS: The movie itself is an absolute disaster, jaw-droppingly bad, no better than "Plan 9 from Outer Space." The plot is absurd, the acting as a whole is wretched, and the production is on the level of "My Mother the Car." In one scene, as Rae Dawn Chong's character is talking to her alien bosses, you can barely tell whose subtitles are whose. Worse still: I know the special effects aren't supposed to be spectacular in a low-budget film, but in this one they couldn't even get a nighttime sky right. The only bright spots about the movie are Gabrielle's appearance and the fact that she wasn't in it long enough to catch any sort of bad acting syndrome from everyone around her. From the first time you see her until the last isn't even close to five minutes. In fact, she only has three lines (for which I can only assume she's really thankful):
Do you want some popcorn?
Hi.
It's just the ticket guy, Rocky.
NITPICK: When the ticket guy comes to collect money from Rocky, eight extra dollars for Kierin and Arianna (who just interrupted Debra and Rocky's makeout session by jumping into Rocky's car), Rocky pulls out exactly eight dollars in a split second and hands it over without counting. Not even the Secretary of the Treasury is that skilled with money.
NOTE: Gabrielle's credit is listed as "Deborah" on imdb.com, but the movie credits say "Debra."
BLOOPER: You have to look carefully to catch this, but as Rocky drops off Kierin and Arianna, Debra starts to get into the car, and starts to turn her head a little to the right (her right, the viewer's left) and moves her left shoulder a bit forward (and also slightly down and to her right) so as to duck while getting in. However, a split second later the camera angle shifts, and it's as if these movements haven't taken place at all. The entire blooper takes place over the course of no more than a second, but it's visible if you're paying close attention. There are probably plenty of other bloopers in the film, but I'm not nearly self-loathing enough to dissect this clunker all the way through to find more.
Rocky is played by Jacques Lalonde, whose performance is difficult to gauge for someone not familiar with his other work. There are two possibilities: he's either highly skilled at playing a mindless dolt, or he's one of the two or three worst actors I've ever seen. Other notable names include Jim Byrnes (Joe Dawson in "Highlander"), Alex Diakun, Rae Dawn Chong and Willie Nelson. Gabrielle is the only person in the cast who can't be blamed for how bad this film is. It's worth seeing only if you're a fan of Gabrielle's, and then only once. If you're not enough of a fan of hers to go see a movie just because she has a few minutes in it, then avoid this bomb at all costs and remember my warning: this movie isn't just awful, it's "Major League 2" awful.
APPEARING HERE AND ELSEWHERE WITH GABRIELLE: Alex Diakun, who plays Pallas in this movie, appears as Chick Savoy in both of the episodes of "Da Vinci's Inquest" in which Gabrielle appears. He also appears as Crandall in the movie "Dead Man's Gun" (in the "Fools Gold" segment). Jim Byrnes, who plays Rod MacArthur in this movie, also plays Father Berkely in "Due East," as regular cast member Kevin "Neon Rider" (Gabrielle appears in the episode "Where the Buffalo Roam"), and as Merlin in the "Outer Limits" episode "The Tipping Point." Byrnes, is, of course, best known for his role as Joe Dawson in "Highlander," but did was not in either of the "Highlander" episodes in which Gabrielle played. Deanna Milligan, who plays Marilyn, played little Iris in the movie "Dead Man's Gun" (in the "My Brother's Keeper" segment, in which Gabrielle also appears), Zoe in "The Advocate's Devil," and Heather in "Corner Gas" episode "Harvest Dance." Deborah Wakeman, who plays Cailie, played Martha in the "Jake 2.0" episode "Last Man Standing."
Note (June 13, 2005): since posting this review, I received a letter via e-mail from an angry fan of Deanna Milligan who took exception to my " Gabrielle is the only person in the cast who can't be blamed for how bad this film is." I don't know how I did it, but in the interests of fairness I summoned up the tolerance for pain necessary to watch the movie again and I have to admit that the writer was correct. Deanna is in and out of the movie pretty quickly, and wasn't in it any longer than Gabrielle was, so I had forgotten all about her. I'm not overly familiar with her career anyway - I've see her in an episode of Highlander, an episode of Millenium and an episode of Sliders (I must say that she was good in all of them, spectacular in the Sliders episode), as well as in the season 2 finale of Corner Gas, but her role in this move was early enough and short enough for me to have forgotten about her when I wrote the review. It's basically the same principle as not having a clear recollection of the first two or three cars you see pass by a bloody and horrifying car wreck.
The writer would have done me a huge favor if she had pointed out that Deanna's first scene was also her last, as it would have saved me the trouble of watching the whole thing again. These unfortunate circumstances aside, I didn't see anything wrong with Deanna's performance, so I hereby retract my previous statement and reword it as follows: "Gabrielle and Deanna Milligan are the only people in the cast who can't be blamed for how bad this film is." In fact, Deanna plays a key role in that it's her scene that clues the viewer into exactly how bad this movie is going to be. After her character, Marilyn, says "You're weird" to Kieran, Kieran's tirade and the wretched acting therein is a portent of all sorts of miserable things to come.
I would like to take this opportunity to clear up a second item. I fear that I may have misled the reader as to how bad this movie is and feel the need to set the record straight: it's actually significantly worse than I indicated in my review and should be avoided at all costs. Even if you're a hardcore fan of Gabrielle's, Deanna Milligan's or of anyone else in the cast, STAY AWAY. Even the normally passable Jim Byrnes and the usually excellent Alex Diakun find ways to completely suck in this film. My description of the scene in which Rae Dawn Chong talks to her alien bosses omits the fact the oracle she speaks to appears to be a large radial tire, the spaceship looks like a cupcake with small lights attached, the other special effects are actually much worse than I originally described, and the dialogue is even worse than the special effects. The only good thing about this movie is the rolling of the credits, which signifies its merciful end. Unless you are a bad movie hobbyist (in which case this film is a priceless gem), under no circumstances should you devote 98 minutes of irreplaceable time on this dog. You'd be better off juggling chainsaws in traffic, pouring ketchup on open wounds, chewing on tin foil, or inserting silverware into wall sockets with wet hands.
I should note that my original words about Gabrielle only having three lines in the movie were incorrect; she actually has six. Three of those lines are heard just before you actually see her in the movie, so to make it official, here are the three lines I missed the first time�
Where are we going?
What's the matter?
Rocky!
... so I guess that learning this could be considered to be a bright spot for a fan of Gabrielle's.
So, there it is - by what could be classified as popular demand if you want to push it that far, I have watched this festering chunk of cinematic flotsam a second time to see if Deanna Milligan deserves to be cleared of guilt in a what should count as crime against humanity, and have deemed that she does. Fans of other Starlight cast members, however, should know that this is the end of my objective and fair stance towards this movie - there isn't enough cash or incentive in the world to make me watch it a third time.
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