~*~ top ten things to say about a Christmas gift you don't like: 10. Hey! There's a gift! 9. Well, well, well ... 8. Boy, if I had not recently shot up 4 sizes that would've fit. 7. This is perfect for wearing around the basement. 6. Gosh. I hope this never catches fire! It is fire season though...There are lots of unexplained fires. 5. If the dog buries it, I'll be furious! 4. I love it -- but I fear the jealousy it will inspire. 3. Sadly, tomorrow I enter the Federal Witness Protection Program. 2. To think -- I got this the year I vowed to give all my gifts to charity. 1. "I really don't deserve this." ~*~ Top Ten Things Men Understand about Women: 10. 9. 8. 7. 6. 5. 4. 3. 2. 1. ~*~ what my mother taught me: My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE - "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside - I just finished cleaning!" My mother taught me RELIGION "You better pray that will come out of the carpet." My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL "If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!" My mother taught me LOGIC "Because I said so, that's why." My mother taught me FORESIGHT "Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident." My mother taught me IRONY "Keep laughing and I'll *give* you something to cry about." My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS "Shut your mouth and eat your supper!" My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM "Will you *look* at the dirt on the back of your neck!" My mother taught me about STAMINA "You'll sit there 'til all that spinach is finished." My mother taught me about WEATHER "It looks as if a tornado swept through your room." My mother taught me how to solve PHYSICS PROBLEMS "If I yelled because I saw a meteor coming toward you; would you listen then?" My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY "If I've told you once, I've told you a million times - Don't exaggerate!!!" My mother taught me THE CIRCLE OF LIFE "I brought you into this world, and I can take you out." My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION - "Stop acting like your father!" My mother taught me about ENVY "There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do!" ~*~ Things You Would Never Know Without the Movies. -- It is always possible to park directly outside any building you are visiting. -- A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty. -- If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps. -- Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization -- It doesn't matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a martial arts fight- your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one. -- When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will never suffer a concussion or brain damage. -- No one involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock. -- Police Departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite. -- When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other. -- You can always find a chainsaw when you need one. -- Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds, unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside. -- An electric fence, powerful enough to kill a dinosaur will cause no lasting damage to an eight-year-old child. -- Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at that precise moment you turn the television on. ~*~ Please Help Me! My name is Billy Evans. I am a very sick little boy. My mother is typing this for me, because I can't. She is crying. The reason she is so sad is because I'm so sick. I was born without a body. It doesn't hurt, except when I try to breathe. The doctors gave me an artificial body. It is a burlap bag filled with leaves. The doctors said that was the best they could do on account of us having no money or insurance. I would like to have a body transplant, but we need more money. Mommy doesn't work because she said nobody hires crying people. I said, "Don't cry, Mommy," and she hugged my burlap bag. Mommy always gives me hugs, even though she's allergic to burlap and it makes her sneeze and chafes her real bad. I hope you will help me. You can help me if you forward this email to everyone you know.Forward it to people you don't know, too. Dr. Johansen said that for every person you forward this email to, Bill Gates will team up with AOL and send a nickel to NASA. With that funding, NASA will collect prayers from school children all over America and have the astronauts take them up into space so that the angels can hear them better. Then they will come back to earth and go to the Pope, and he will take up a collection in church and send all the money to the doctors. The doctors could help me get better then. Maybe one day I will be able to play baseball. Right now I can only be third base. Every time you forward this letter, the astronauts can take more prayers to the angels and my dream will be closer to coming true. Please help me. Mommy is so sad, and I want a body. I don't want myleaves to rot before I turn 10. If you don't forward this email,that's okay. Mommy says you're a mean and heartless bastard who doesn't care about a poor little boy with only a head. She says that if you don't stew in the raw pit of your own guilt-ridden stomach, she hopes you die a long slow, horrible death and then burn forever in hell. What kind of cruel person are you that you can't take five freakin' minutes to forward this to all your friends so that they can feel guilt and shame about ignoring a poor, bodiless nine-year-old boy? Please help me. I try to be happy, but it's hard. I wish I had a kitty. I wish I could hold a kitty. I wish I could hold a kitty that wouldn't chew on me and try to bury its turds in the leaves of my burlap body. I wish that very much. Thank You, Billy "Smiles" Evans P.S. You can send money to the person who sent you this because that person is very trustworthy. |
| random, not-funny emails. knock yourselves out: |