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February 25, 2006
BREAKTHROUGH Theory Unifies Meat and Cheese
An unexpected match has been created in what is undeniably the least kosher theory devised to date
"The implications are amazing. This tells us that essentially cheese and meat are two different aspects of one thing", said Professor Basargvina at a press conference as he folded his arms into a knot and looked around him for people's reactions with a smug little smile on his face.
"You see", he added, "There exists an abstract cheese-meat continuum in which any amount of cheese can be measured in and converted to an equivalent amount of meat, in which, by 'which' I imply the continuum, of course, in which we are but pawns whose hungry appetites are allured by a proportion of meat-to-cheese, the ratio of which is uncertain, as stated by the principle of 'uncertainty as to what's inside the fridge'". When questioned on the reason he chose to answer with such a run-on sentence, Prof. Basargvina refused to comment.
He furthered his lecture by stating that: "I cannot stress enough how fascinating the results are. As abstract as this theory is at it's base, it does point to a practical way of converting Swiss cheese into beef, or say, turkey jerky into cream cheese, although for this purpose it would first have to be accelerated to the speed of lightweight goats running away from a butcher."
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