[ Dwelling Of The Doorknobs ]
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| Horrorscopes |
Aquarius
21 January - 19 Feb
Sometime soon you might start to get a vague feeling that someone or something is being very vague. However if you decide to act upon this premonition beware of plastic swords. Also something very bad will happen around the 1st and most of your friends and family will die. Don’t be surprised if you feel a bit sad around the 2nd or 3rd.
pisces
20 Feb -
20 Mar
Anyone whose star-sign is a fish is stupid. I mean
seriously....All the rest are lions, bulls, scorpions and
other “Strong” things. Go back to your pond fishy
boy/girl.
Aries
21 Mar -
20 Apr
Expect to be promoted at work after a risk you took
around the 31st pays off. Also expect to
die. No seriously, you will die,
the stars say so. However before you die you will
get a feeling that you should be
dying.....Act upon this, it will pay off and
most of your friends and
family will thank you for it.
Taurus
21 April -
20 May
Everyone says you are a kind, goodhearted
person. The stars say this is a load of bullshit (har
de har har) and of
course the stars are always right. So the stars tell us you
deserve to die. Expect
to see [Prototype] coming to kill you as soon as the stars can convince him that
his hit man services should be free.
Gemini
22 May - 21 June
Tread carefully this week. You might step on a chicken. And that could get messy.
Cancer
22 June - 23 July
This week your love life will suddenly improve. Expect to be turning down a whole lot of invitations because of previous engagements. However you will be canceling you previous engagements because you will be feeling a little under the weather after having your head chopped off. This minor inconvenience will totally ruin your weekend and may stain your clothes.
Leo
24 July - 23 August
Watch out for the axe murderer hiding behind your computer chair.
Virgo
24 August - 23 September
One day soon you might get the feeling that everyone hates you. Don’t worry they probably do. Everyone hates Virgos. But never fear you will not die. This week...
Libra
24 September - 23 October
Tomorrow the fact that you are named after a brand of tampon might inconvenience you. Expect to see hundreds of children rushing from their homes to mock you as you walk up the street. Actually just stay inside all week.
Scorpio
24 October - 22 November
Congratulations. You are the best star-sign there is. The great [Nikkikins] herself is a Scorpio. Expect to be showered with cash, gifts, love and job opportunities. This is a good week for Scorpio.
Sagittarius
23 November - 21 December
Since two of my fellow staff are Sagittarius’s the stars say you can all have a respite from death this week. Instead you can just have a bit of torture and ridicule. But get ready for an extra painful death next week.
Capricorn
22 December - 20 January
A speeding bus with a blind driver is in your future. Sooo Harry Potter 3. But this time you will be in front of it not in it.