[ Dwelling Of The Doorknobs ]

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| The Biography of you (yes, you at home) |

Here at Dwelling of the Doorknobs we have very few readers…So for the sake of horrible generalisation (which I am good at) I have written a biography that should fit the descriptions of most of our pathetic little regulars….And here we go...

You were born on a freight train frequently used to transport mass shipments of hobos and illegal immigrants from city to city. You were then left to fend for yourself when your parents and siblings went out to work at the local plastic bag factory. Your only friend was a border collie called Dog. Sadly he died in 1995 when a piece of falling aircraft debris fell on him from a cheap air New Zealand plane. You promised to avenge your friend so you threw stones at planes flying overhead. Unfortunately, because of the laws of gravity these stones often came down and hit you on the head, resulting in a brain defect that is irreversible to this day....Or at least that is what the doctors told you, maybe they just enjoy watching you cower in the corner convinced that the moose is coming to get you.

After escaping from the mental institution in which you were detained you joined a circus along with your new found friends, Larry the Betrousered Coconut and Ned the Invisible Iron. Together you developed an award winning show in which your guests marvelled at Larry’s perfectly pressed trousers and your wonderful skill of melting things without putting them near any visible (*cough cough*) source of heat. Unfortunately after a few years on the road Larry fell victim to a mysterious disease known to carnies as Owmylegseemstobefallingoffism, he died later that year. Soon after that Ned died of a broken heart and you were left with a pair of nicely pressed trousers and the remnants of a soon to be cancelled show. Surprisingly the ringmaster, who was still in denial, refused to cancel the show so you spent a few melancholy years doing your own ironing in front of a sleepy audience and cringing when the monkeys did their show, coconut bras in full swing.

You then left the circus and settled down in a small suburban area where you live to this day.

[ Nikkikins ]