| DIARY OF A MADMAN BY CHARK DETWEAK |
| (NOTE: article has been aged 5 months to ensure best possible quality) Another installment of the worthless wisdom of Professor Know-None-of-It: In light of recent events, I feel compelled to comment on the whole subject of teen dating, specifically teen dating in high school. *NOTE: Any dating before high school is not dating, considering all you do is hold hands and stare at each other.* I would like to start out by saying that this is a field I know a little about, and I am mostly writing this because I have now realized, after getting dumped for unspecified reasons, that dating in high school isn't much more than completely pointless. In the same spirit as my rewritten Pledge of Allegience ([email protected] if you want a copy ... and no, that email address is not a joke), I have decided to write the High School Rules of Behavior While Around the Opposite Sex. Keep in mind, these are only suggestions on behavior around members of the opposite sex during the time in your life when there isn't much activity upstairs besides the pituitary glands. Any disagreement with me (I'm sure there wont be much besides Matt Conroy, who finds something wrong with everything I write) can be forwarded to the webmaster at [email protected]. And here we go: 1. Never, under any circumstances allow yourself to be considered "cool." Granted, in different schools, there is different criteria on what makes a person cool, but nonetheless, coolness should be avoided at all costs. 2. In accordance to rule #1, always have your uniform neat and clean. If you can stand it, possibly pull your waistline up to your armpits. Sure, it may feel a bit uncomfortable, but it'll sure keep you safe from dates. If your school does not have a uniform or dress code, make one up for yourself, but be sure to follow it every day, the entire year 3.Join either Science Club, Knowledge Bowl, or the Chess Team. Enough said. 4. Forget to wash your face. Acne and dirt are babe and stud repellants. 5. Stay away from all popular people and all people who want to be popular. If that is impossible (due to small school or class size) talk to the the popular people as often as possible, and about as many different things as possible. Try to get on their nerves. If a fistfight should occur as a result, nothing beats the fetal position in the corner of a room screaming for you mommy. 6. Whenever a member of the opposite sex comes up to you (yes, this includes staff members and parents) run in the opposite direction screaming "Cooties! Cooties! Get away from me! I don't want Cooties!" 7. Quote Jim Carey movies. Nothing drives people away like a bad Ace Ventura impression. 8. Feign schizophrenia. (Or if youre fortunate enough to have it, exploit it) 9. Walk down the halls singing anything by the Clash 10. Avoid all contact with the sun. Remain as pale as humanly possible. Well there you have it. I personally guarentee that you will be able to drive away 99.9 % of members of the opposite gender if you follow these ten easy steps. They truly work. Just ask Matt Conroy, who as personally tried most of them. That's all for now. Thanks for wasting even more of your precious time to read my random thoughts thought up in my not so precious time. |