columnschuck1

The elves are giving me trouble again.

If a tree falls in the woods and nobody is around, does anybody care? (answer: the tree's mother weeps bitterly)

When people start out a sentence by saying "A word to the wise," it makes me want to jump up and scream some profanities, and then make a comment on how their shoes don't match.

If a man dies on his feet, can I take his shoes?

I don't know about you, but if a three year old came up to me and started spouting off philosophical jargon, I'd take the kid by his hair and throw him off a bridge. Is that normal?

A retort to an earlier comment: oh YEAH???!??!???!!?

-Syntax Error- trying to come up with a joke that doesn't degrade people

"I'm not afraid to go into space, as long as we don't land on that terrible planet of the apes. Wait a minute ... statue of liberty ... that was OUR planet! DAMN YOU! DAMN YOU ALL TO HELL!" - Homer J. Simpson

Why is it when you're a wimp everyone seems to punch you in the same spot?

.......................................processsing...............................................

If I wanted to deflate someone's ego, would I go through the ears or the nether regions?

DAMN SNO-GLOBES!

"When I die, I'd like to die in my sleep, like my Grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passenger in his car." - Jack Handey

Morbid much?

Ok ... I'll switch gears

A little word of advice: the words "omnipotent" and "impotent" aren't interchangable.

Would you like to polka?

Someone in History class today was talking about navel battles. Are you thinking what I'm thinking? ("you sunk my battleship!") (You can take that any way you want to...)

I was always a big fan of the story of David and Goliath, until I got beat up by a giant.

........I think my buzzer's broke....

........No wait, I think i fixed it ....

"Its amazing to think that there's a world around us that we can't even see. I'm talking, of course, about the World of Invisible Scary Skeletons." - Jack Handey

....Why is he so handy?

Nietzsche said that God is dead. Apparently God created heaven and earth, then left to go do something else, and is no longer present in our universe. (Oh, as a side note, Nietzsche spent the rest of his life in a mental institution)

Xeno said that in between two points there is an infinate amouint of space, because you can keep dividing the space into infinite increments. According to Xeno, movement isn't possible. (I think he killed himself...)

You know, why do we study old, dead people who couldn't stand the mystery of which they were encompassed? (OW! That hurt! Does your brain occassionally kick back?)

Did not.

I have, in the vault of my mind, many jokes that are highly sexist and/or racist/ I'm not sure if you're into that kind of thing, so I will refrain from typing them. I do not agree with any of them, but I remember them because they were told to me repeatedly. (VERY mild example: I'm not racist, I have black tires)

Did too.

On a serious note: Why is it that women can make fun of men, and it's funny, but when men make fun of women the result is usually either a kick in the groin or a really hard bitch-slap?

Did not.

On a less serious note: I like Triscuits, but HOW THE HELL DO YOU SPELL "TRISCUIT?" (um... if this spelling is right, I sincerely apologize, but the question still remains...)

Did too.

Another word of advice: If a cop cuts you off on the highway with its siren blaring and lights flashing, following it, ramming it from behind, and then giving the cop the finger is not a path I would ever take again.

Did not.

WHY THE HELL IS CHEEZ SO DAMN HARD TO SPELL.

Did too.

I think the greatest improvement to humankind would be to reduce the English language down to 5-letter words and below. Then phrases like , "I most sincerely apologize for rear-ending your car, unfortunate victim." would have to be shortened to, "Shit, I feel bad for the slap on the ass of your car, bitch."
(Ah. The world would be a better place)

Did not.

I understand the DeLA part, but what the hell is a Salle?

Did too.

I still fail to understand what a Totino is. Grace is cool and all, though, minus the people.

Did not.

Damn those elves!

Did too.

I don't understand the huge attraction to cell phones. I mean, if someone got hurt and you were five miles from the nearest town, wouldn't you WANT to get away from them? I mean, all the moaning and whining and bleeding. Man, I'd take the five mile hike any day.

Did not.
Stop.
Ok.
Hey, it's you!
Yeah.
How's it Going?
Pretty good. The whole shared space thing is kinda awkward, though. I know the rent is good right?
Yeah, and the best part is you never know what I did last night.
Very true. Would I want to know?
Not unless yo wanna hear a story involving a goat, a garbage can, and lots of jello.
Um... I think I'll pass.
Are you sure? Gertrude was a blast.
Um... Yeah. I'm sure.
Well, i gotta go. There's a hot party tonight in the junkyard.
So long.
Baah.
Bye.

Don't you love it when old friends come back to visit. I mean, I'm not sure where Sameer was last night, but considering the little he told me, I don't think I want to know.

Well, that's all for now. Sameer's turn to take over. Ta ta for now, and I'll see you on the dark side of the moon when I have become comfortably numb as another brick in the wall, asking, "Is there anybody in there?"
Goodnight and goodbye. I'm off to battle the bullets with butterfly wngs, acting as a zero in the act of disarming the jellybellys.

She ionizes and atomizes while doing her never-ending math equation as he drives a baby blue sedan, distracted by his dirty fingernails. In the meantime, I will let the fruit that ate itself proclaim that JesusChrist was an only child while the moon and Antartica perpetually head south.

Wha?
-----------zzzzzzrrrrrrt-----------

END TRANS