SIGNS
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SIGNS |
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When I was younger, I would ask
my mum if she could have another kid because if I couldn't be a boy then I wanted a
brother. |
In books, TV shows, movies and things I was always drawn to the male characters. I identified easier with the male characters. They made more sense to me. It confused me.
Sometimes I swore I felt like a male. I didn't feel at all like a female. It was those times that I felt good about myself. It made sense with the way I felt about wearing dresses and how i thought about girls.
For a few seconds my breasts weren't there, and I was a boy (back then I didn't know or care much about penis's). These were the only times that I really felt any real feeling of myself and I had confidence.
But I was a girl though. I was constantly told I was a girl. I told myself that I was a girl. I had to be a girl. I was born a girl. There was no magical thing that made girls into boys (as much as I wished there was!). I had to deal with it.
I forced myself into being a girl, but it didn't really work.
My high school had an annual play, and I was always disappointed when I wasn't offered a chance to play any of the male parts. There was a vast shortage of boys to play them as well! Some times i was so angry because i didn't understand why i couldn't be picked for that role. why couldn't they see that i could do it?
I wrote to some girls as a male pen pal and it made me a bit happier but I was so scared that I would get caught and they would get mad at me.
I was sent to a counseling place and my case manager was an excellent woman who actually was a voice coach and was employed by a few transsexuals to raise their voices to a moderately female sound. She gave me heaps of information about transsexuals.
The information made so much sense to me. There were people that were like me, and they now lived as the sex they wanted to be. Even females who were now living as males!
But to do anything I had to be in Melbourne. All the doctors lived and worked there. There were support groups and other people just like me. It was all in Melbourne. And I was 3 hours away with no chance. To pass the time while I waited for the opportunity to move to Melbourne, I sometimes wore my Dads clothes or what ever I could get that were men's clothes.
In desperation, I got some gaffer or packing tape and wound around my chest to flatten my breasts down. My chest was so flat! It was so good to see. I loved looking at my self in the mirror with a shirt on and no breasts ruining the view! I gave me hope that one day I would be male somehow.
Hormones sounded really scary and far away. There was no way that my mum would let me do that sort of thing.
Some days the family would go to Swan Hill, and they would let me go shopping by myself. I would wear my most male clothes and tape myself down. I liked it when the shop assistants called me 'sir'. It felt right.
It felt real.
It was just like when people mistakenly said i was a boy when i was younger. it was like someone telling who i really was.
That satisfied myself for a while, until i needed more. i didn't want to feel like myself 'sometimes'. i wanted to be myself ALL THE TIME.
I knew i had to get out of my town, where everyone knew me.
So got myself into a TAFE course in Melbourne and moved to the big smoke.
I could figure out the who / why / what of myself. I could change myself and people wouldn't know i've changed. People who had known me since i was born wouldn't reminded me of who I was when I was 2, 5, 10, 18 years old.
I would have room to breathe.
So i moved away to Melbourne to start my new life.
READ ANDREW'S DIARY