I move from my family home in the country to Melbourne.
I’m becoming friends with a girl from Orbost called Sarah. She has a very scary hair cut and she tends to get worked up about issues. I would like to avoid her but she really likes Crowded House and so do I.
We have sing-alongs together in the kitchen. Sarah and I tend to spend a lot f time together. There’s no one else that I really talk to here.
I’m actually a bit scared of most of them. I’ve never really to deal with teenage boys and I’m living with about ten of them!
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There’s a rumor around the place that Sarah is Bi. Cool, so am I.
I fantasise about what it would be like going out with her, but as if that’s going to happen. No one has taken interest in me before.
It’s not going to start now.
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Me and Sarah go out to the city for the day. As we wander around gaslight records, she tells me she's bi. I tell her so am I. We talk about being bi for the rest of the day. I’ve never met anyone else that is honestly bi. She also tells me how she likes people that are gender ambiguous.
I tell her what I plan to do, that is trying to live as a man. She thinks it’s a brilliant idea.
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Sarah tells me that most people didn't know what gender I was the first few days at Gladholme.
That makes me smile. I'm not even trying to look male and it’s working.
It took two weeks for people to decide if I was male or female.
Each time people have visitors I can hear them whispering afterwards 'was that a boy or a girl?' Unfortunately, Sarah set them right and tells them that I’m a girl.
Sarah and I have been having late night chats nearly every night.
One night she asked me if I would go out with her. I didn't know what to say so I laughed and said I didn't think so. She hit me.We sat in the kitchen not saying anything for ages until Sarah left the room in disgust.
The next day I wrote her a letter explaining why what I meant by my comment. But I didn't send if a few days. I didn't know what to say to her. I really wanted to say yes. No one had ever seriously asked me, just people that were making fun of me.
I didn't think she was joking. She wouldn't joke about that. It was serious, but I didn’t know what to do. I had been waiting for someone to ask me for so many years. I wanted to go out with her.
I liked she, I still thought she was a bit scary and we disagreed with so much stuff, but I liked her.
But did I want to go out with a girl? I didn't want to be a lesbian.I wasn't sure. This was a going to be my first lesbian relationship thing. Did I want to have one? It’s all a bit scary.
So, I sent a letter to her. I was too scared to talk to her. We pretended nothing had happened. I agonised over it every day and night.
After a month of thinking, I decided that I want to go out with her. I left a note under her door saying I would go out with her.She sent one back and he started communicating through letters and not talking about those subjects outside the letters.
It was strange. We didn’t want to make every one we were living with uncomfortable. It’s a big thing when two housemates starting going out but a same sex relationship in a very predominately heterosexual place… that was pretty serious.
A week after I made my decision I went to Canberra for the folk festival with my parents.
I couldn't stop thinking about Sarah.
I met up with some family friends of my parents. They tell my parents that they have never met their son (me!). Mum corrects they am tells them that I am their daughter. I am disappointed. It sounded quite good to me!!!
Mum and I have a discussion about it. I tell her that I like it that they called me a boy. Mum laughs quite nervously.
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I come back to Melbourne.
Sarah has shaved all her hair off. She looks more boyish than I do. I’m not too sure what to think of it. I’m disappointed because now it looks like we are two dykes.
Ideally, I would like to look like a boy and girl, not two dykes or what ever.
It selfish, vain, and all that but I liked her better with longer hair because it distinguished our genders.
People generally still think of couples as a male and a female. Therefore, if they see a female holding hands with a mal looking person they usually think ‘female and male couple’. I like it that way. It helps me look more male, with a prop like Sarah as a female.
I feel very uneasy being classes as a lesbian.
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Sarah comes to visit me at night and we spent almost all night together. After a few weeks of going out, one night she kissed me.
It was weird. One second I was talking to her, then next she was pressing her lips against mine. I really can't remember it but I do remember that I couldn't kiss very well.
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Sarah sleeps in my bed with me at night.
My roommate Chloe is straight and I’m not sure what she thinks about it but we try to be discreet.
Sarah doesn't like me being in her room. We always sleep in my room in my single bed. We spend all our time in my room.She isn't comfortable with me being there but I do it anyway. I don't want Chloe to be uncomfortable, and Sarah has a room of her own and it seems common sense for us tobe in her room and not mine with a roommate..
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I feel male and female around Sarah.
I feel like a Lesbian when we are having sexsometimes, but I also feel male at the same time. There's something so male about sex. i get a huge flood of 'maleness' when im having sex. It's great!
It makes me uncomfortable because she wants to look at my breasts. I would rather them not be there. And I would rather she forget that they are there. I don't like her touching them at all.
Every time I feel female, I feel like being sick
Sarah and I start talking more and more about the gender thing. She tells me it will be easy. I don't think it will be. It’s a big step. It’s not something everyone thinks about let alone does.
I don't know. I’m not sure.
What if, in few years I change my mind? (not likely, but what if?)
What if it’s too hard? Nothings harder than what I feel like now.
Some days I start crying about how I don’t feel like myself.
I don't feel like myself everyday. Sometimes, I don’t feel like myself for months and months. Its like I’m forced to live in someone else’s body. It doesn't seem fair. Why do I have to live in someone else’s body, when everyone else is allowed to live in their own body? Its torture.
It doesn't make sense. Why do I have to do this? Why can't I be happy in my own body? What sick joke was it for me to be born in a female body when it’s so obvious that I shouldn't be?
It’s not fair that everyone can just live his or her lives nicely with out having to deal with the daily depression that I have.
I wake up every morning, and for a few seconds I feel like myself, then I realise that I’m not myself, I have to be someone else, because I of the body I’m in. when I look in the mirror I think I’m attractive, but attractive as a male, not a female. I don't have any days of rest from hating my body.
I am constantly reminded that I am not in the right body and there’s nothing really that I can do about it.
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I got to the doctor in Sydney rd. when I tell him what my problem is he doesn't even blink an eye. He just gets to it and gives me info.
The doctor gets in contact with Monash and they will send me information and a form to fill out which then my doctor will approve and send back for the group to approve before they start even thinking about allowing me to start hormones and things.
It sounds a bit daunting.
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I get the forms from Monash and it reduces me to tears.
I have to write what my childhood was like and what I am like now,
What I am doing now? etc etc. basically every single detail about my life from when I was born to this second. I have to have photos taken and send them in with the form. it feels like i'm a lab rat or something!
I'm not really in the mood to go through all that entirely deep thought stuff again. Every time I think about it, I start crying.
It’s really hard on Sarah. I’m a total mess.
I’m not sure what I want. I don't know what I’m doing.
All that I know is I want to start hormones and start the transition or else ill die. I don't see any other way. I have to start it. There’s nothing to live for if I can't be male in any of my lifetime - Now, soon or in a few years.
I can't be a girl. I am not a girl. I am not female. I know it will be better when I’m male. I will feel myself.
But right now, I know its so close, but so fair.
I don't want to go through all this stuff with Monash. I don't want to justify it to people. I know it’s true to myself.
What if I can't justify it?
What if they say I can't start hormones?
What am I going to do then?
I am not going to live as a female. I can't stand it any longer.
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I buy some packing tape and bind myself. I used to do it at home when I went out and wanted to feel like myself and attractive. I show Sarah my tightly bound brown tapped chest. She is mortified. I crackle and she hates hugging me because of it. She helps me peel it off. It pulls off skin as well. My skin is blistered and rashy from the tape. Nevertheless, I don't care. It’s worth it for having a flat chest when I do it.
That’s all that matters. The satisfaction from not having visible breasts out weights the blisters.
I promise Sarah I won't bind with packing tape again.
I ring up Tan who helps transgender people with their problems and ask him about alternatives on binding. He gives me ideas on how to bind. I can hear him cringe when I tell him that I used to bind myself with duct tape and packing tape. He suggests using the stomach bit of pantyhose or Alternatively, wide elastic sewn together in a tube.
I try the pantyhose. It works well. I can't believe how well I can breath! The packing tape didn't let me breath!
Tan also gives me advice on whom to go to about hormones.
He doesn't really recommend Monash (The term 'Monash circus' comes up quite a bit), he recommends a doctor in Prahran.
I have a choice between Monash who will stress me so much, or go to a doctor that will just give me what I want.
Monash of course has its good point. They give absolute full support to transgender people, from pre counseling, to controlled hormone treatment, and full counseling during transition. They also do surgery, so you have to go through them to get genital realignment surgery.
It’s all a very good idea, but right now, I just want to start. I can't think of living any more years like the way I am. I have to start. I can't spend any more time being counseled about before starting hormones. I’ve spent so many years thinking about it.
I want to get on with my life, instead of putting it on hold for when I am living as who I want to be.
I get the number of the doctor and get an appointment.
The pantyhose has to be replaced every two weeks. My fortnightly allowance doesn't quiet allow for pantyhose. It allows for bread and water.
I buy some elastic and ask my sister to make me a super boob tube but she won't. I ask my mum and she wont either. Sarah asked her mum and she said she’d be very pleased to do it.
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We go to Sarah’s house near Orbost.
Sarah’s mum makes the elastic thing and it feels great. It’s pretty tight but it works like a treat! We also talk about my gender thing. It’s very positive because I know that I can’t talk to my parents about it just yet. I told them because getting the nerves up to discuss it fully with my own parents. Sarah’s family is pretty open about things and its good to talk to them.
Sarah’s sister is very interested in it and asks some very embarrassing questions involving penises.
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I tell my parents what is happening, and they don't understand or like it. It’s a lot of change for them.
They don't quite understand why I have to do this. Mum says that I've never said anything about before and it comes as a shock. I remember all those times I told her I wanted to be a boy and She laughed. Mum has forgotten about those times.
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My sister ands I talk about the hormones.
She thinks it’s dangerous.
The side effects are amazing - increased rate of heart attacks, increased calcium build up.
Who knows what the full effect on the body testosterone does. It hasn't really be tested.
My sister does think that I should do it because she thinks I can pass anyway. I have a deep voice but not naturally. She says I should just get my breast chopped off and that’s all I need.
But I want sidies! and I can't get them without a bit of help!
The doctor is so much better than what I thought he would be.
I get my drugs and walk home then go to my room and open the packet and stare at the vials. The oily liquid is going to give me my life back - three vials of my man hood.
i read all the information and worry about all the side effects: skin problems (acne. ugly), water and salt retention (your going to get fat) , nausea (gynecomastia, increased or decreased (either way its going to be effected), libido, jaundice (ugly again). and after constant use you have a higher rate of heart attacks, diabetes, increased cholesterol levels, something to do with bone density that’s wrong as well. so it screws around with everything.
I’m a worrier. I worry about diseases that I have a small percent of getting. I worry about being hit by lightening. I worry about freak accidents all the time. I worry about things I can’t control and here I am doing something to myself that I can control and I’m doing it voluntarily!
GO TO
OCTOBER, 2001