OCTOBER, 2000

NOVEMBER, 2000

DECEMBER, 2000

Today is my first appointment. I don't mind injections. I just don't like blood being taken out, because I get queasy.

I drop my dacks and the injection is done.

At the desk, they ask what name I would like to be called. Officially, I have to have Jane on everything due to Medicare, but they will call me anything I want.

It feels weird and tingly when they call me Andrew. It’s happening. I’m slowly realizing my new life.

=

My body reacts to the injection instantly.

I get pretty bad acne two or three days after.

I buy some skin cleaning stuff, and get into a routine of washing my skin thoroughly. I hated doing this when I first started puberty. I hated my skin. It was awful. I was called Pizza Face at school because no one else had acne at primary school.

Puberty will be better this time.

I don’t have to deal with immature people around me like I did when I was 10 or so.

Its all very exciting.

Its like being reborn. The way I want it.

=

My favorite band, The Titanics come to town. My friend is making a documentary on them, so we follow them around to the gigs.

I’ve met Dave McCormack and Glenn Thompson a few times when they were in Custard.

Dave McCormack called me a lady. It hurts a lot because he’s always been careful not to use pronouns around me. He usually just uses my name. Its great.

But he called me a lady. A female.

It’s a real stab to the heart.

I tell Emma Tom, the bass player about what’s happening to me.

I’m not sure why I did. I think its because I know she's interested in gender issues. She I thought she'd be interested, and she was. Also, for some reason I wanted the band to know. I had never told them my real name, and I wanted to tell them why.

Emma’s really interested in it. It’s so good to talk to someone about it.

=

I start shaving in the hope that hair starts growing on my chin. Anything desperate to get hat first bush of hair! I have a few individual ones, BUT I WANT MORE!

I tell Bus, who lives at Gladholme too, about what I’m doing.

He laughs, but is very interested. He thinks its very funny but he understands. Cool.

Thank god, because I am planning to move into a house with him, Emily and Sarah next month.

I move into a house with Sarah, Bus and Emily.

Its great. I can now me more myself, and not have to worry about what everyone else where I was living is going to think. It will definitely make it easier for me with the changes.

People at Gladholme would start thinking it was very weird when I walk around with more stubble then they do, and a breaking voice!

Sarah and I sleep n sleeping bags on the floor as we are waiting for our beds to arrive.

But it sure beats a single bunk!

I look up the registry website and print out a name change Form. Then start thinking about what name I really do want. I can't decide so I put two middle names as well.

If I don't like the order of names, I can always change it around after 12 months with this one.

I got to the building of births deaths and marriages. Fill out a form, and hand over my money.

The woman at the desk notices that I don't have a reason for change of name. I was hoping I didn't have to put one. I am debating over how much to tell them. On the form to change you have to state the reason why you are changing. I put it off putting anything there, but the lady at the desk made me put something down.

I put sex change. I wish I thought of something funny to put there.

The woman at the desk signs it, gives me a receipt and I leave the building.

It’s happened with no celebration or congratulations.

In three days, I will be sent a new birth certificate with my new name on it. With things like this, I feel like there should be a ‘congratulations’ or something, but it never happens.

I’m going to have to start learning to use my new name.

I never have to use my old name again. I am not breaking any law by using the name Andrew any more.

I’ve used ‘Andrew’ as much as I could for things that didn’t matter legally for years.

Now I can use it on everything!

Now, I have to change all my documents like bank accounts and everything. It’s never really entered my mind how many thing I have to change!

I also have to learn to listen for a new name, and not respond when ever ‘Jane’ is called out.

On the tram ride home, I feel good but scared. I feel like I’ve grown. I feel more male just thinking about having my new name.

=

Got new birth certificate. I am still female, but the name is different.

Im really worried about my new name. What if I forget that I changed it and don’t use it? What if I really don’t like my new name. I have been thinking about for such a long time but… am I making the right choice of name?

What if its too hard to change everything that has my old name in it? What if my parents get angry? What if it doesn’t catch on?

Very very soon is the cut off point for stopping testosterone.

After this date my voice will never go back to how it was before.

As if I would want to go back, but it all feels very final.

I Went to doctors and got first shot of 250ml TESTOSTERONE. I used to be on only 100ml ever two weeks. I now have to go every three weeks.

The doctor warned me that it could come into effect straight away. Will I walk out of the doctors growing a Jesus beard or scratching my non-existent balls?

Had to shave the jaw line! Woo Hoo!

I went to Sex-po with Sarah.

people were handing out leaflets for the local brothels etc. single men all got one, women certainly didn’t. Attached men got a knowing ‘Im sure I’ll see you one day soon’ nod. I got a knowing nod.

I’m attached, and Im male.

My skin is extra ordinarily oily. I wash my face twice a day for fear of really bad acne. The memories are too strong and close of bad skin.

I shaved. I have to shave every three days or something. I’ve only got sparse hair and it looks very un cool and high school.

I think about all those boys at school who tried and tried growing facial hair and could only get bum fluff. It looked very young, silly and unmanly, but my god were they proud of it or what?!?!

I also wondered why 17-year-old boys would want to grow an ugly goatee.

I now understand.

The hair is a status thing.

The weather is getting a bit hot, and binding is very itchy. I’m sweating profusely and I’m getting more cleavage than I was before binding!

The hormones raise my body temperature a bit. As well as the thick elastic I’m wearing to bind my breasts down things aren’t very cool and comfortable.

I’m feeling confident in the male development thanks to 250ml and wandered into the men’s loo for the first time. The first thing I Noticed was that they certainly not as flash as the women’s toilets. They’re extremely basic and the hand basins are very squashed together – no need for makeup sessions here!

I looked both ways before going in to the toilets, Found the first thing that I recognized to be a toilet, and hid in there. I have heard horror stories of the porcelains having no doors in men’s toilets.

The idea of using the urinal scares me to death.

I’m terrified that I will be found out that I don’t have the correct genitals to be in the mens toilets.

Sarah and I go an visit her folks in Orbost.

I talk to her dad about puberty. Well, Im not going to learn it from any one else. My Dad certainly isn’t going to talk to me about it, and theres no way im going to ask boy puberty questions to him.

It would embaress him so much.

I need a shave but don’t have any shaving stuff and Sarah’s has a beard!

I also get my period. It’s a very bizarre feeling having a period when the rest of the time you’re being male. "He has his period…"

It really brings me down to earth, and reality with my body. It’s a hideous feeling.

I over hear people talking about me and not sure what pronoun to use. People are calling me Andrew but using ‘she’, Jane, and ‘he’.

It very frustrating because its so good that people are learning to change, but some people can’t get the hang of it.

I must admit it would definitely be hard for me too.

I Can’t decide which toilets to use. This will be handy at gigs and parties, I can go to which ever one isn’t being used.

I have a lapse and can’t decide with toilets to use in front of people that know I’m female. I don’t want to embarrass them.

I also have to change my pad so I have to use the female toilets.

I know I can just go to the men’s, wrap it up and put it in a bin somewhere but…

I just can’t go to the toilets when there someone that I know is in there!

I’m having a hard time coping with the change in front of people that I know.

I feel embarrassed, and guilty.

=

My voice is breaking.

I used to sing and had a decent singing voice but now I can’t sing at all.

I used to know where in my voice box, that note was, but I can’t do that, because everything’s moved on me!

I don’t know where the notes are anymore and what comes out is some horrible squark!

I try singing to a song on the radio that I know I used to be able to handle the notes, and can’t at all. Talking normally and it will crack every so often.

But I almost can sing with Kamarl when I want to much easier than before. There’s always a plus to these things.

Barry White, look out…

I’m shaving more often, nearly every second day. No sidies yet, but a few clumps of stubble. For some reason its very patchy. One side of my face is stubble, the others just itchy.

I’m also getting randy in the most inconvenient times. Before I started hormones, I could look at someone that attracted me and I could handle it, no I am almost a rabid dog when given the chance.

I go home for Christmas. I’m not sure what people think of me but surprisingly everyone is great. I’m still called Jane but that’s Ok.

My Uncle, even calls me a ‘good lad’. Just a simple thing like that means so much to me.

I talk to my mum about my name change.

I ask her if she could possibly call me Andrew.

She gets a bit upset and says that she will always call me Jane as that’s whats I’ve been called for the last 20 plus years.

It hurts. I hope she doesn’t mean it.

I hope I don’t get flowery and feminine hygiene things for Christmas like I usually do.

When I go back to Melbourne my sister reports to me that everyone is pleased with the fact that Im much happier now, then I have been before. Its mostly the reason why everyone is so good about it all.

I am happier. I’m so much more happier.

I wish that My family were Ok about it like the extended family are.

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