LESBIAN
GUESTBOOK
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I liked reading my sisters girl magazines. The articles weren't very interesting, but the girls were! I was amazed. They, apparently, had the same body as mine, but theirs were much more interesting. They were very pretty and interesting and sexy. I tended to look at them alot in private....
I did a bit of investigation and the rest of the girls I knew read the articles and didn't perv on the girls. They didn't think about the girls the way I did. It didn't really worry me that I didn't look at the photos of the girls the same way the other girls I knew did because it seemed to me that I did everything else differently to them anyway.
I was certain that I wasn't a girl. I couldn't be. How the hell could I be so different to them? I didn't understand them at all.
I heard that girls who liked other girls were called Lesbians. I thought about this deeply. When I thought about sex I didn't think about men, I tended to think about girls: but not from a girl's point of view. I didn't think of two girls, I thought of a man and a woman and in the picture, I was the man.
I didn't talk about sex with other people so I didn't get to discuss this thought with anyone else until high school, and by then I had gotten my hands on information about gay people anyway.
I wasn't a lesbian. It didn't fit. I had a female body, I had gotten used to that, but I wasn't a lesbian.
In the last few years of high school, It always felt weird and wicked when I was allowed to sleep over at friends house. If their mothers only knew what I really was!
It was uncomfortable because I felt like I shouldn't look at them in their nighties or be sleeping in the same room.
One day, I realised that I had a crush on my best friend. I had had a few crushed on some boys at school, but not girls. I felt like I should tell her what I was thinking. I wrote a letter to her telling her about how I thought I really was a boy, and I was in love with her. She didn't write back. Thankfully, the Australia post lost that certain letter! I had to tell her again about my inner boy and we discussed it a little but I think she just thought I meant I was a lesbian.
I didn't discuss it with any more of my friends at school, but my doctor. She didn't know what to do, because it's not a general issue in the community. We talked about being gay and what that meant but I really didn't believe that I was a lesbian. I thought maybe I was a possible heterosexual man in a woman's body. This idea was too hard for to understand so I was really on my own.
On TV, there were stories about men who dressed up in women's clothing. That was kind of what I wanted, but more. I never heard about women who did the opposite. I didn't know what to do with myself.
The more I thought about it them more I felt like I had to do something about it. I cried myself to sleep every night wishing that I didn't have to hate myself. I hated myself, because I wasn't what I wanted to be. The outside definitely didn't correspond with what was on the inside.
I was so unhappy I tried to hurt myself and tried a few times to kill myself. I couldn't live like I was. I wasn't female, why could everyone else see that? I wished I could do something about it but I couldn't.
In the back of my mind there was always this 'male part' of my thoughts lurking around. It always jumped to the front when I had to spend time around a group of girls. It was like a suave gentleman personality. And worryingly, it was around when I was in primary school. The girls I hung around with at primary were very different to me, and most of the time, I actually felt like I was hanging around with my girlfriend, but I didn't know which one. It was like I was hanging around waiting for one of them to ask me out. But of course, none of them did.
It was dissapointing that in my small town i couldn't even try out being a lesbian to see if i did like girls.
And the boys didn't like me either. I really wanted to go out with one to get the chance to study them up close. To find out the secrets!
I did like boys as well. But i think i mostly liked them because they were what i wanted. their clothes, their bodies, their mannerisms. I loved all that, i wasn't particularly interested in penis's.
At high school, no one really suspected me of liking girls. No one suspected me of anything but being 'weird'. I wasn't 'outed' as a lesbian, which surprised me because there were certainly alot of heterosexual girls that were 'suspected lesso's'. I guess you had to be pretty and part of some boys fantasy to be branded a lesbian.
So, living in my small rural town, I binded with gaffer tape from Dad's shed, and practiced my deep male voice for the future.
But after two years of that, i wanted more. I needed more. So I got myself a position in a TAFE course in the city.
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