INTRODUCTION
(A sign comes up that says �You You Hacked Show� on it.)
NARRATOR: This is the sixth episode of Anime Backstage. This week we bring you a parody of the badly translated version of Yu Yu Hakusho. If it�s the version they play on Cartoon Network it�s cool, but if it�s the version before Funimation got to it then it�s not cool. The subtitles are horribly translated, but believe it or not they could be worse. I actually saw a show where I had absolutely no idea what was going on. You will know what�s happening in this show. Even though it is �badly translated.� This is You You Hacked Show. Enjoy.
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SHOW (Outside on the driveway, Okay and Medic are standing over a dummy. Off to the side of the road is a cardboard box on its side. On the other side of the road is another cardboard box with the open side towards the ground. This is the �good� cardboard box.)
MEDIC: He is die. (Picks up the dummy and puts the �good� cardboard box on his head and drives off.)
OKAY: Am I not standing right here? Hey! Wait for me! Uncle! Dram! Am I really died? Let�s see� This morning I went to school.
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(On the little porch on the top floor, Okay is sitting. Kimono is going towards the porch.)
KIMONO: Okay! Okay! You miss class! (Walks onto porch.) Okay, why don�t you go to class?
OKAY: Oh, my god! Teachers just yell at me.
KIMONO: They wouldn�t if you mankind.
OKAY: Why are you not in class, Kimono?
KIMONO: I come to get you! I waste unscrupulous time to get you! (Walks away.)
OKAY: Might as well. I didn�t come here for cat. (Walks into the house.)
WANABE: (Standing in the door way.) Okay! You are late! Leave!
OKAY: Damn! You resent me! (Walks out of room.)
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(Okay is walking alone side the drive way. Boy is walking a ways ahead of him playing with a ball.)
OKAY: Idiot boy! You fall down and fell in cars way! (Runs towards Boy and takes the ball from him.) This is not the place to play.
BOY: X� (Takes ball back and continues down the drive way.)
(Coming up the driveway is Driver. He has a cardboard box over his head and is talking on a cell phone. He is swerving all over the driveway. Driver swerves toward Boy and Okay dives in front of the cardboard box. Driver takes off the cardboard box but does not stop talking on the cell phone.)
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(Okay is standing in the middle of the driveway. The cardboard box on it�s side on the side of the driveway. Boy and Driver are gone.)
OKAY: He is so capable.
OAR: U r Okay? Si?
OKAY: What is up?
OAR: I am Oar the Grim Reaper.
OKAY: Are you here to take me to the hell?
OAR: The King of the Hell Jr wishes to see you to take test of reborn.
OKAY: Am I special?
OAR: You�re die is unexpected. Even by King of Hell Jr myself.
OKAY: If I didn�t death then what would happen?
OAR: The car would swerve and miss the boy.
OKAY: Nani! (What!)
OAR: Will you take test of reborn?
OKAY: Terrible! Unexpected!
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(On the third floor King of Hell Jr is sitting at the desk. Okay and Oar come up the stairs.)
OKAY: Where is King of Hell! Grandpa!
JR: Here.
OKAY: Nani? This is King of Hell. (Laughs) He is shortly!
OAR: Do not throw short at Jr King of Hell!
JR: If you want test. I wouldn�t laugh.
OKAY: Camel.
JR: (Jumps over desk and stands in front of Okay. He gets an egg out of nowhere.) You must hatch magic eggs. It feeds off of your shit. If good shit happens it will let you reborn. But if bad shit will turn into demon and eat me (you). (Okay takes egg.) You must save your body for reborn.
OKAY: But I am cremated tomorrow!
JR: Oar, take care of Okay.
OAR: KO!
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(Oar and Okay are standing on the driveway.)
OKAY: How to save body?
OAR: Precession!
OKAY: Pocession?
OAR: Occupy someone�s body for one hour. It must be someone who can sense spirit though.
OKAY: Who can sense spirit???
(Crowbar walks up the road with Friend 1 and Friend 2.)
CROWBAR: KK KKKKKKKKKKKKK KK !
FRIEND 1: Are you constipation Crowbar Ku?
CROWBAR: I sense�
FRIEND 2: It is the old woman with chainsaw?
CROWBAR: No, different.
OAR: He senses spirit. Possess?
OKAY: He is my worst enemy! Do not possess him?
OAR: Is last resort!
OKAY: Hai!
(Crowbar stands strait.)
OAR: He is redy for possess!
(Okay walks over to Crowbar and pokes him on the head.)
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(Okay and Oar have disappeared.)
CROWBAR: (Looks at his hands. Then, runs in place.) The movement is freely!
FRIEND 1: Crowbar? Is your head fine?
CROWBAR: Time is up! (Runs in a random direction.)
FRIEND 2: (Pause) Is my head fine?
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(Crowbar is standing at the bottom of the driveway. Kimono is walking down the street.)
CROWBAR: First should find Kimono. There! KIMONO SAN! Wait. How will she know it is me, Okay? I know! (Walks up to Kimono.) Kimono! Bustard! Wait, Grandma!
KIMONO: (Slaps Crowbar.) Okay shuts up! (Looks at Crowbar.) Wrong person.
CROWBAR: No!
KIMONO: Okay! (Starts to hug Crowbar.)
CROWBAR: Wait! (Pushes Kimono away.) Out of time! Must tell you not to burn my body. I�m coming back. Save my body for when I come back. I�m leaving you this guy now. (Points to self.)
KIMONO: �Hai.
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(Oar and Okay are standing in the backyard.)
OKAY: (Throws egg up and down.) What is now?
OAR: Don�t throw egg because of bordom!
OKAY: V� (Drops egg.)
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(Close up of Oar�s face at the sight of the broken egg.)
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(Normal camera angle. Okay has disappeared.)
OAR: Okay? Where is me?
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(In the basement Okay is lying on the couch. Kimono is cleaning up a whole bunch of crap [as in toys, Kleenex, plates, ect.] around him.)
OKAY: (Sits up. Kimono looks at him.) This morning.
KIMONO: OKAY!
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(Okay is lying on the couch when Parent comes up and starts shaking him.)
PARENT: Okay! You�re late! Your death again!
OKAY: (Sits up) Is not dead! You do this every morning! Not dead!
PARENT: Oh.
OKAY: Go drink with your friends again!
PARENT: Enjoy school! (Walks out of room.)
OKAY: Asshole! Have to go to school again now that not dead.
OAR: Or do I?
OKAY: You! Nundiyo! (What the hell!)
OAR: King of Hell Jr is not done with you yet.
OKAY: Do not want to be involved in weird anymore!
OAR: King of Hell did bring you back to life even without egg. He has plans for you.
OKAY: Nani?
OAR: (Points at Okay.) Hell Detective.
OKAY: Detective of the Hell me?
OAR: You have an assignment.
OKAY: Y�
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(King of Hell appears out of nowhere by Oar and Okay.)
JR: To assign!
OKAY: K-King of Hell?
JR: You are to get three artifacts of the hell. The Mirror, the sword, the ball. Stolen by Hiei, Kurama, Evil.
OAR: You lost those!?
JR: If you don�t get them back in a week, Okay. My father will come and wreak havoc on my ass.
OKAY: HELL KING!
JR: (Holds out a compass to Okay.) Spirit compass. Detect spirit.
OKAY: KO!
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(Hiei, Kurama, and Evil are standing in the backyard. Okay walks up.)
OKAY: Is Hell Detective.
HIEI: I don�t want involvement. (Walks away.)
OKAY: Hey!
KURAMA: Evil takes care of this. (Runs away.)
OKAY: Hey!
EVIL: I deal with detect hell.
OKAY: X� Y� Z� You?
EVIL: I Evil! This ball gets spirits of humans. I eat them. I like small humans.
OKAY: Bastard!
EVIL: See? I eat it. (Pulls an invisible spirit out of the ball and holds it up to his mouth.)
OKAY: No eating! (Punches Evil in the stomach.)
(Evil beats down Okay and eats the invisible spirit anyway.)
OKAY: Damn! (Makes hands into the shape of a gun.) Magic ball!
(Evil falls down backwards.)
OAR: You beat him good.
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COMMERCIALS
(On the top floor Regis is sitting across from Player at the card table.)
NARRATOR: On the next Who Want to be a Millionaire?!
REGIS: For $100. What does Tony the Tiger have to say about Kellogs Frosted Flakes? A. They�re OK. B. They taste like shit. C. They�re G-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-reat! D. I�ve had better.
PLAYER: Um� uh� um�
NARRATOR: Ten hours later.
PLAYER: Uh� You know� I�m leaning towards �They taste like shit� but �I�ve had better� is also possible. Both of them are true to me at least. Well� um� uh� hmm�. Well�
REGIS: Listen mother F*CK! Answer the God DAMN question!
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SHOW
(Hiei is sitting on the side of �Nick�s� bed and Mother is laying down on it. Okay and Oar are standing in the doorway.)
OKAY: It is silly!
OAR: Si, Kurama es bastante gay.
OKAY: Hu?
OAR: Es muy homosexual, no?
(Walks over to Oar and Okay.)
HIEI: Necesito el espejo desear mi madre bien. (I need the mirror to wish my mother well.)
OAR: El espejo hace deseos para un precio. (The mirror makes wishes for a price.)
HIEI: El precio es mi vida. (The price is my life.)
OKAY: Tu eres estupido, feo, y homosexual! Tienes problemas, no? (You are stupid, ugly, and homosexual. You have problems, no?)
HIEI: Haria cualquier cosa para mi madre. (I would do anything for my mother.)
OKAY: Eres un bobo, una baka, y un idiot tambien! (You are an idiot, an idiot, and an idiot too!)
(Hiei leads the group out the sliding glass door. Okay is yelling insults at him and cussing in various languages. Outside Hiei puts a mirror on the grass and reaches his hand towards it.)
HIEI: Espejo! Haces mi madre bien! (Mirror! Make my mother well!)
ESPEJO: El precio es tu vida. Conforme? (The price is your life. Confirmed?)
HIEI: Conforme. (Confirmed.)
OKAY: No conforme! Tomas mi vida! (Reaches his hand towards the mirror.) (Not confirmed! Take my life!)
HIEI: TU eres estupido! Soy no estupido! (YOU are stupid! I am not stupid!)
ESPEJO: Uds. son estupidos! Tus vidas son nada! Soy triste para tu. Tu madre es bien! (You all are stupid! Your lives are nothing! I am sad for you. Your mother is well!)
HIEI: Fantastico! Quiere dar una fiesta? (Fantastic! Do you want to throw a party?)
OKAY: �No� No quiero dar una fiesta para tu madre! Quiero el espejo! (�No� I don�t want to throw a party for you mother! I want the mirror!)
HIEI: Oh yeah! Here! (Picks up the mirror and gives it to Okay.) Asta lugeo!
OKAY: Toro bununcio!
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(Okay and Oar are standing outside the garage.)
OKAY: Kurama here?
OAR: Hai!
OKAY: I go!
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(In the second story of the garage, Kurama is standing on the side of the room opposite the stairs and has a sword of some kind. Kimono is laying on the floor off to the side. Okay comes up the stairs.)
OKAY: (Points at Kurama.) FACE!
KURAMA: Okay is annoying! I get his friend and turn her into demon. (Holds up sword.) This sword does this.
OKAY: Damn! Kimono!
KURAMA: That all this sword do. No killing.
OKAY: Oh�
KURAMA: Mmhmm�
OKAY: Some poor King of Hell Jr. gets ass slapped for that.
KURAMA: Aww�
OKAY: Can I have?
KURAMA: (Throws sword to Okay.) I lie about friend. Is okay! She live here, ya.
OKAY: Camel!? Kimono, you live here!
KIMONO: (Sits up.) SHUT HEAD! (Throws object at Okay.)
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(King of Hell, Jr., Crowbar, and Hiei appear in the room out of nowhere.)
OKAY: King of Hell, Jr is okay! No ass slapping for you!
JR: Yes ass slapping! Ball is full of spirits, mirror traumatized by stupidity, sword been shown off too much no longer special!
OAR: What happen?
JR: Somebody set up us the bomb.
OAR: Better than ass slap!
JR: Okay, Kurama, Hiei, Crowbar face many trial together now.
OKAY: Friends? What do you think, Kurama?
KURAMA: DAMN IT! I can�t take it anymore! We�re speaking like retards, I�m not shown as the cool guy as I was in the anime, and my name isn�t Kurama it�s Hiei! My God, it�s like this translator doesn�t speak English or Japanese!
JR: �Que?
KURAMA: �Forgetly�

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Plastic Alfonseh � The actor should wear a mask of some sort to hide the dead store mannequin eyes and his mouth. He should always move in a robotic manner. He should be dressed in something that you would see a store mannequin showing off in a store like blue jeans, a windbreaker, and a baseball cap or something dorky like that.

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INTRODUCTION
A note to the readers:

I�m altering my style. Yes, after all these years of writing introductions, I think it�s got to go. For one thing, it�s cheesy and for another thing, you don�t see it in any movies whatsoever. If you want to put in thoughts and ideas put it in the damn commentary or �the making of.� Also, this new style of writing is very open ended. Very open-ended! And notice the new �Characters� section above too. I like having costumes like we had in the latest Spandex Man episodes and the Somewhere in Montana skits (I don�t like styling hair though!). This new style also gives the director more freedom with the camera angles. The one thing it doesn�t fix is where the scenes take place. I�m still naming places in or around my house. Anyway, this is now the silent commentary. Tee hee! I�m a big fan of Fullmetal Alchemist, but I didn�t like the movie that much. Well, I didn�t like the ending at least. To make matters worse my friend, James, and I went through the whole movie and made fun of it. It was really sad. Any hard-core FMA fan would have cried. Though this script has some jokes that beat on FMA, most of the jokes just make fun of the concept of the movie. I hope it doesn�t sadden FMA fans that much.

SHOW
(Plastic Alfonseh and Tuskinson are standing on the side of the house by the brick wall near the stairs. Edwurd is off the scene on the porch. Tuskinson has two solar lamps/other objects in his hand.)
TUSKINSON: Do my bombs amaze you? (Moves hand up and down in front of the solar lamps/other objects.) If you want to see more of their power, we could throw them somewhere, like, over there. (Points in a random direction.)
PLASTIC ALFONSEH: Wouldn�t we get caught in the explosion?
TUSKINSON: (Eyes narrow.) You�re sharper than I thought, Fullplastic. I bet you didn�t see this coming though! (Throws a solar lamp/other object somewhere in the grass behind him.)
(Moment of silence.)
PLASTIC ALFONSEH: That was stupid.
TUSKINSON: Worst explosion ever!
EDWURD: That�s right, Tuskinson (Really pronounce the name.)! (Walks down the stairs. He has a plastic/glass fish bowl/cardboard box/other object that won�t kill him over his head.) You made two mistakes. Number one: (Holds up index finger.) THAT�S A FREAKING SOLAR LAMP/OTHER OBJECT (choose)! Number two: (Holds up index and middle finger.) I�m the--
TUSKINSON: (Frightened voice.) Why do you have a fish bowl/cardboard box/other object (choose) on your head?
EDWURD: Because I�m the FULLPLASTIC ALCHEMIST!
PLASTIC ALFONSEH: And I�m Alfonseh. I�m just made of plastic. He�s my brother Edwurd.
TUSKINSON: (Still staring at the fish bowl/cardboard box/other object on Edwurd�s head.) That�s a stupid thing to wear! It�s� It�s insane! (Throws the other solar lamp/other object at Edwurd�s head.)
(There is an explosion noise when the object hits Edwurd and the screen goes black, or there�s a clip of an explosion of some sort if one is available.)
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BEGINNING CREDITS
(There can be beginning credits, but �Fullplastic Alchemist and the Conqueror of Germany� can just come up on the screen too. If there is beginning credits the screen can, for example, be black, have backstage clips, show bonus footage, or have actual clips from the show with some kind of music of course.)
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INSTRUCTIONS FOR THE FOLLOWING SCENE
(The first alternate scene is split into three parts [alternate scene part #1, alternate scene part #2, and alternate scene #1 continued]. Alternate scene part #1 is the first half of the original scene. It requires two moving vehicles and is quite dangerous, illegal, and difficult to do. Alternate scene part #2 requires only one moving vehicle and can be filmed instead if you think it is safer. Once alternate scene part #1 or #2 have been filmed, alternate scene #1 continued finishes off the scene. If the actor playing Edwurd isn�t allowed to drive at all, alternate scene #2 can be filmed in a stationary car. There are other alternatives if this is the case such as filming alternate scene part #1 or #2 in a stationary car and hiding the non-moving background somehow. A stunt double can park by the gypsies. A second alternative is having the stunt double taking the place of the actor playing Edwurd entirely though this is not recommended. A third alternative is to have Edwurd and Alponseh riding in the backseats of the car being used [the fact that they are doing so should be hidden somehow] and having a stagehand drive the car. The gypsies should be filmed in the back seats of the car separately. Feel free to film as many of these alternate scenes as you please [they�d make great bonus footage] or mix and match the lines.)
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SHOW � ALTERNATE SCENE #1 � ALTERNATE SCENE PART #1
(Edwurd is driving a car. Alponseh is sitting in the front passenger seat coughing and laughing. He is holding a plate/other circular object in front of him.)
EDWURD: And all three of us died! The end! (Glances at Alponseh.) Hey, this is a serious story. Why are you laughing?
ALPONSEH: Seriously, Ed, solar lamps/other objects (choose) don�t explode! (Throws a coughing fit.)
EDWURD: They look like they would� Don�t tell me you have TB/tuberculosis (choose).
ALPONSEH: I�ve just been laughing for the past fifteen minutes and not breathing much. I�m glad I�ve never heard one of your jokes, or I�d probably die.
(Alponseh looks out the window at the car that is driving/parked beside their car. He glares at Driver sitting in the drivers seat. Driver is watching the road ahead of him.)
EDWURD: (Says as Alponseh looks out the window.) That would be horrible!
(Driver starts glancing nervously at Alponseh now.)
ALPONSEH: Not as horrible as this.
(Alponseh turns his plate/other circular object aggressively towards Driver�s car. Driver slams on the brakes/reverses the car/Edwurd moves his car forward.)
EDWURD: No, that�s not horrible at all, and it�s totally safe! At least it gets those stupid people who don�t know which side of the road to drive on away from me.
ALPONSEH: Especially when you have horrible road rage and like to drive into oncoming traffic and ditches. (Starts to laugh then breaks off as he gets a second thought.) Uh� speaking of driving into oncoming traffic� are we on the right side of the road?
EDWURD: (Warningly) Alponseh, don�t question me.
ALPONSEH: (Fearfully) I�m sorry. (Cheers up) Look, gypsies!
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ALTERNATE SCENE #1 - ALTERNATE SCENE PART #2
(Edwurd is driving a car. Alponseh is sitting in the front passenger seat coughing and laughing.)
EDWURD: And all three of us died! The end! (Glances at Alponseh.) Hey, this is a serious story. Why are you laughing?
ALPONSEH: Seriously, Ed, solar lamps/other objects (choose) don�t explode! (Throws a coughing fit.)
EDWURD: They look like they would� Don�t tell me you have TB/tuberculosis (choose).
ALPONSEH: I�ve just been laughing for the past fifteen minutes and not breathing much. I�m glad I�ve never heard one of your jokes, or I�d probably die.
EDWURD: That wouldn�t be healthy. (Spots a car ahead.) Hey (horn honk)! Get the (horn honk) out of the way!
ALPONSEH: That can�t be healthy either.
EDWURD: What are you talking about? I release some pent up anger, and the slow people get away from me. Look at them speed up. That�s a good thing.
ALPONSEH: Especially when you have horrible road rage and like to speed and drive into ditches. What is this? Your fifth car in two years?
EDWURD: (Warningly) Alponseh, we don�t talk about that.
ALPONSEH: (Fearfully) I�m sorry. (Cheers up) Look, gypsies!
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ALTERNATE SCENE #1 CONTINUED
(Edwurd pulls up beside a group of one to two gypsies and No One and rolls down the window. If there are more people available have them play dead in the ditch as more gypsies.)
GYPSY #1 or #2: Hi, our driver just drove into a ditch.
EDWURD: Are you heading for the hospital then?
GYPSY #1 or #2: No, we�re going to the carnival.
EDWURD: Oh� are we not telling anyone about the group of dead and/or injured people in the ditch?
GYPSY #1 or #2: You saw nothing!
EDWURD: (Happy voice.) Okay!
(Gypsy #1, [#2], and No One get into the backseats. Edwurd starts driving again if you think it�s necessary.)
ALPONSEH: So, what are you all doing at the carnival?
GYPSY #1 and/or #2: We sing and dance and all that crap. No One here is a mind reader though. She�s spooky! What about you two? (This line can be separated between gypsies if you have more than one.)
ALPONSEH: We launch rockets at people.
GYPSY #1 or #2: Cute!
EDWURD: No One, huh? That�s a really depressing name. I bet you would feel better if you read what�s on my mind.
NO ONE: (Rests a hand on Edwurd�s shoulder for a second and pulls away horrified.) What are those horrible white, greasy things!?
EDWURD: White schnitzel!
NO ONE: They look like decroded pieces of crap! That didn�t make me feel better at all!
EDWURD: I suppose the only option is for me to kill myself.
ALPONSEH: Edwurd, stop driving towards the ditch! (Grabs the steering wheel.) We�re almost to the carnival.
EDWURD: Yay! My life has meaning again!
GYPSY #1 or #2: Seeing the carnival is our cue to start singing.
EDWURD: How about some death metal instead?
ALPONSEH: I like that idea much better.
(Edwurd turns on the radio/CD player. Death metal music starts playing.)
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ALTERNATE SCENE #2
(Edwurd is sitting in the driver�s seat of a car. Alponseh is sitting in the front passenger seat coughing and laughing. He is holding a plate/other circular object in front of him. Both of them are pretending to drive.)
EDWURD: And all three of us died! The end! (Glances at Alponseh.) Hey, this is a serious story. Why are you laughing?
ALPONSEH: Seriously, Ed, solar lamps/other objects (choose) don�t explode! (Throws a coughing fit.)
EDWURD: They look like they would� Don�t tell me you have TB/tuberculosis (choose).
ALPONSEH: I�ve just been laughing for the past fifteen minutes and not breathing much. I�m glad I�ve never heard one of your jokes, or I�d probably die.
EDWURD: That wouldn�t be healthy. (Spots an imaginary car ahead.) Hey (horn honk)! Get the (horn honk) out of the way!
ALPONSEH: Who are you yelling at? You�re not even driving.
EDWURD: I�m practicing driver�s etiquette.
ALPONSEH: That�s horrible etiquette!
EDWURD: Well, at least I don�t drive with a plate/other circular object (choose)!
ALPONSEH: Maybe I wouldn�t drive with a plate/other circular object, (choose) if you�d let me drive once in a while! It�d probably be safer that way. I�m surprised you haven�t killed or jailed us yet with your road rage! You can�t even parallel park without threatening to run over someone like that one guy.
EDWURD: He said I couldn�t park there after I spent fifteen minutes getting it just right!
ALPONSEH: You can�t park in front of someone�s driveway!
EDWURD: (Warningly) Alponseh, are you questioning the driver�s manual of Edwurd?
ALPONSEH: (Fearfully) I�m sorry. (Cheers up) Look, gypsies!
(No One and a group of one to two gypsies approach the vehicle. Edwurd rolls down the window. In the distance there is a group of gypsies playing dead in a ditch.)
GYPSY #1 or #2: Hi, our driver just drove into a ditch.
EDWURD: Are you heading for the hospital then?
GYPSY #1 or #2: No, we�re going to the carnival.
EDWURD: Oh� are we not telling anyone about the group of dead and/or injured people in the ditch?
GYPSY #1 or #2: You saw nothing!
EDWURD: (Happy voice.) Okay!
(Gypsy #1, [#2], and No One get into the backseats.)
EDWURD: You do realize that the carnival is just over there right? (Points in a random direction.) We�re not really driving there.
GYPSY #1 or #2: But you two look so awesome pretending to drive there!
ALPONSEH: So, what are you all doing at the carnival?
GYPSY #1 and/or #2: We sing and dance and all that crap. No One here is a mind reader though. She�s spooky! What about you two? (This line can be separated between gypsies if you have more than one.)
ALPONSEH: We launch rockets at people.
GYPSY #1 or #2: Cute!
EDWURD: No One, huh? That�s a really depressing name. I bet you would feel better if you read what�s on my mind.
NO ONE: (Rests a hand on Edwurd�s shoulder for a second and pulls away horrified.) What are those horrible white, greasy things!?
EDWURD: White schnitzel!
NO ONE: They look like decroded pieces of crap! That didn�t make me feel better at all!
EDWURD: How about some death metal then? That always makes me feel warm and fuzzy!
(Edwurd turns on the radio/CD player. Death metal music starts playing.)
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(Edwurd is sitting on one of the benches around the fire pit looking sad and eating out of a bag of chips beside him. Alponseh is sitting across from him. If there are bottle rockets available they are sitting beside him. In the background, Pedestrians are walking around if there are enough people available. The death metal music is still playing.)
EDWURD: Man, I wish Alfonseh didn�t die in that horrible solar lamp/other object (choose) explosion.
ALPONSEH: Oh my God! You were serious then? (Death metal music fades out.)
EDWURD: Oh wait, that was a figment of my imagination. Never mind. Actually, I don�t know if he�s alive or dead right now.
ALPONSEH: I don�t think I ever heard how he really died. It�s all been stories.
EDWURD: Let�s see. Some chick named Dante sent me into this parallel universe where a blimp fell on top of me and I died. I went back to my world where I fought this dude named Envy. He punch stabbed me through the chest and killed me. Alfonseh sacrificed himself to bring me back to life, and then, I sacrificed myself to bring him back to life, and I ended up here again. Only, now I can�t get back.
ALPONSEH: Wow! You died two and a half times?
EDWURD: Uh� I guess�
ALPONSEH: I wonder if you�ll come back to life if you die in a concentration camp.
EDWURD: (Silent for a beat.) Why would you bring that up?
(No One runs up, sits on the bench beside Edwurd, and puts the bag of chips on her head. One to two [or more] of Hitler�s minion[s] are in the background looking around. No One looks at Edwurd.)
NO ONE: Um� It�s not what it looks like.
EDWURD: That�s my comfort food! I don�t want your dandruff on it.
(Edwurd takes the bag of chips away from her. Hitler�s minion[s] notice[s] her and come over to the camp fire.)
HITLER�S MINION #1 or #2: Excuse me ma�am, but we would like to request that you stop running from us, and accept Hitler�s offer.
NO ONE: That�s crazy talk!
EDWURD: (Stands up.) What does Hitler want with a depressing mind reader anyway?
HITLER�S MINION #1 or #2: You should stay out of our business and hail Hitler! (Hitler�s Minion #1 [and #2] hile.)
ALPONSEH: Good idea! Hail Hitler! (Hiles)
EDWURD: (Narrows his eyes at Alponseh and grabs Hitler�s Minion #1�s raised wrist and twists it.) I got your wrist!
HITLER�S MINON #1: Oh yeah? Well, I got your face. (Slaps him. Fade in death metal.)
(Edwurd backs off, then, starts attacking again. Choreograph the fight anyway you want for as long as you want. In fact, the fight can stop right after Edwurd gets slapped too.)
ALPONSEH: (When you want to stop the fight.) Edwurd! I�m going to start launching rockets into the crowds of people, so you can either help me or you can run. (Alponseh has bottle rockets in his hands if they are available.)
(Edwurd grabs No One by her wrist, and they start running down the driveway. Insert explosion noises.)
_________________________________________
(Edwurd and No One are walking along the side of the road in �the middle of nowhere.� Death metal fades out.)
NO ONE: Couldn�t we have taken your car?
EDWURD: No! Do you know how flammable gasoline is? With rockets flying everywhere, who knows what would have happened!? Besides, I only have my driver�s permit. I need Alponseh, so our two drivers� permits combined can make a driver�s license!
NO ONE: Sounds� safe�
EDWURD: Oh, it is! So, what does Hitler want you for?
NO ONE: He wants me to read his mind, so somebody will fully understand how he plans to travel between parallel universes.
EDWURD: Can�t he just tell someone? I hear he gives speeches all the time.
NO ONE: You�ve never heard one of his speeches have you?
EDWURD: No.
NO ONE: He has all the qualities of a public speaker: he speaks loudly and says his name a lot. What he says loudly, I have yet to figure out.
EDWURD: Well, reading his mind should be easy.
NO ONE: I�m afraid I�ll find something horrible� Something worse than greasy, white schnitzel!
(A car drives by. Freakz is sitting in the passengers seat. The camera focuses on the back end of the car with accompanying dramatic music or a dramatic sound.)
EDWURD: Oh my God! It�s a car! Wait, I know that guy in the passenger seat. (Starts running after the car.) Good luck finding my house, No One!
NO ONE: (Yells at the sky.) Curse you, Edwurd!
_________________________________________
(Freakz�s car is parked on the side of the road. Driver is playing dead in the ditch. Edwurd gets into the drivers seat. Freakz is in the passenger�s seat. There is a diskman/other piece of modern equipment that is easily accessible to Freakz.)
FREAKZ: You just knocked out my driver.
EDWURD: Wasn�t it awesome!?
FREAKZ: Was there any reason behind it?
EDWURD: You look like a guy that caused me all sorts of PAIN in my parallel universe!
FREAKZ: �Oh� I�m sorry� I guess.
EDWURD: Well, that�s all. I�ll be on my way now. (Starts to get out of the car again.)
FREAKZ: Wait. (Edwurd looks back at him.) You look like the type who could fight a Nazi dragon.
EDWURD: A what?
FREAKZ: You look like the type who could help me with a job. Wait, you know how to drive right?
EDWURD: I have a permit.
FREAKZ: So do I!
EDWURD: All right! We have a license! (Shuts the door. Turn on the car if you think its necessary. You can also have Edwurd start driving.) I�m Edwurd by the way.
FREAKZ: My name is Freakz, and I�m looking for a dragon, a Nazi dragon to be exact.
EDWURD: I knew I heard something about Nazis and dragons! Why do you want to find a dragon anyway especially one that doesn�t like Jews?
FREAKZ: I make movies, and I�m too poor to afford special effects.
EDWURD: What�s the dragon�s part in the movie?
FREAKZ: It�s great! A phoenix pecks its eyes out. Then, the main character stabs it in the mouth as he gets speared in the arm by one of its teeth. The dragon�s venom is supposed to kill the main character, but it turns out phoenix tears heal him. Isn�t it ingenious? I�ll just put �no dragons were harmed in the making of this film� and hope everyone believes it.
EDWURD: Sounds like a movie before its time.
FREAKZ: Speaking of time, aren�t we supposed to be in Munich, Germany in the nineteen shwifty�s right now? We should be speaking German not English. And what is this doing in here? (Picks up a diskman/other piece of modern equipment in the car.)
EDWURD: Put that away. We�re ignoring it. (Freakz puts the diskman/other piece of modern equipment down.) As for the English� Shut up!
_________________________________________
(Outside the garage, Edwurd parks/Edwurd is parked in front of the garage. Freakz and Edwurd get out of the car. Outside the car is a group of pedestrians [however many people are available]. Pedestrian #1 has a flashlight/lamp in his/her hand and a gun.)
PEDESTRIAN #1: Hey, what happened to your old driver, Freakz?
FREAKZ: My new driver knocked him out, and we left him stranded on the side of the road.
PEDESTRIAN #1: How nice. Hey, new driver! Have a light (Hands Edwurd a flashlight/lamp.) and a gun (Hands Edwurd a gun.). Now look cool with them!
(Edwurd poses.)
PEDESTRIAN #1: Awesome!
FREAKZ: Now go see if there�s a Nazi dragon in there. (Points to the second floor of the garage.)
_________________________________________
(Edwurd is coming up the stairs in the garage with the flashlight/lamp and the gun pointed in front of him. He has a piece of candy in his pocket. The lights in the garage are off. Nazi dragon is hiding somewhere in the garage.)
EDWURD: Hello? Nazi dragon? Maybe I can coax it out with some candy.
(Edwurd sets the flashlight/lamp down somewhere and takes the piece of candy out of his pocket. He throws it somewhere. The sound of it hitting the floor is not heard. Edwurd picks up the flashlight/lamp again.)
EDWURD: Nazi dragon!? (Swings the flashlight/lamp and the gun around wildly.)
NAZI DRAGON: (Close by and in a whisper.) Thanks for the candy.
EDWURD: (Quickly backs away.) Um� your welcome?
NAZI DRAGON: Hey� get on!
EDWURD: Get on? Get on what dare I ask?
(Edwurd backs up and spins around and such. The camera angle switches and Edwurd backs up into Nazi Dragon.)
NAZI DRAGON: Get on!
(Edwurd yells, spins around, and the gun goes off shooting Nazi Dragon. Nazi Dragon falls to the floor. Edwurd looks shaken.)
_________________________________________
COMMERCIALS (OPTIONAL)
(In the garage, audience members [however many people are available] are sitting in chairs facing Opera. Under their seats are boxes labeled �Chocolate Factory.�)
NARRATOR: Next week on Opera.
OPERA: (Excited) Now I want everyone to look under their seats!
AUDIENCE MEMBERS: (Look under seats, pull out the boxes, and hold them up in the air.) YAY CHOCOLATE FACTORIES!
__________________________________________
(In a dark room, Regis is sitting across from Player at a table. The only light is illuminating the table and the two actors. Dramatic Who Wants to be a Millionaire? music [or just plain dramatic music] is playing in the background.)
REGIS: For $100. What does Tony the Tiger have to say about Kellogs Frosted Flakes? A. Silly rabbit, Flakes are for kids. B. It�s over 9000! C. They�re G-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-reat! D. I�ve had better.
PLAYER: Um� uh� um�
(Text: Ten hours later.)
PLAYER: Uh� You know� I�m leaning towards �I�ve had better,� but �It�s over 9000!� is also true. Over 9000 what, I don�t know, but it�s over 9000 something. Well� um� uh� hmm�. Well�
REGIS: Listen mother FUCK! Answer the God DAMN question! (If this film is meant for younger audiences or your parents are watching, any number of the cuss words can be bleeped out along with the mouth of the actor playing Regis during editing. It is not even necessary to cuss when filming this �commercial.�)
NARRATOR: (Dramatic voice. Shot of Player with his/her head in his/her hands.) Will the question get answered? (Shot of Regis looking very angry.) Can Regis keep his cool? (Shot of Frosted Flakes or a random cereal box. If it�s another brand, the name can be covered up with �What!? 9000!?�) Are Frosted Flakes really over 9000? (Who Wants to be a Millionare? logo.) Find out tomorrow on Who Wants to be a Millionaire?.
(Fade out music.)
___________________________________________
SHOW
(Edwurd and Alponseh are sitting around a table eating sausage/some other kind of meat.)
ALPONSEH: Guess what!? Hitler hired me to make him rockets to transport his troops into the parallel universe!
EDWURD: How�d you manage that?
ALPONSEH: His minions were quite impressed with my killing of hundreds of people at the carnival with rockets and without mercy.
EDWURD: You�re so violent! Hey, did that gypsy girl� No One ever come here?
ALPONSEH: No.
(Silence for a beat.)
ALPONSEH: (Happy voice.) So, how was your day?
EDWURD: Well, I went to capture a Nazi dragon for this one movie dude named Freakz. It was really creepy. Anyway, I ended up killing it, so he couldn�t use it to make a movie anymore. He sold it to Hitler to use it as a gate into the parallel universe. I didn�t get paid either.
ALPONSEH: Hitler and his plans to conquer parallel universes!
ALPONSEH and EDWURD: Ah ha ha! (Pat chests.)
EDWURD: Tonight, I�m sneaking into Hitler�s castle to get my pay.
ALPONSEH: Why are you stealing it from Hitler? Shouldn�t you be taking it from Freakz?
EDWURD: I don�t know where Freakz lives. Everyone knows where Hitler lives though.
_________________________________________
(In the top story of the garage, Hitler�s minions [however many people are available] are sitting on chairs facing Hitler who is pacing around, giving a speech.)
HITLER: We will go forth and CONQUER EVERY GERMANY in EVERY parallel universe� EVERYWHERE! HITLER! (Hiles) Then, we will take over the world. But only after we CONQUER GERMANY!
HITLER�S MINONS and HITLER: (Stand up and hile.) HAIL HITLER!
_________________________________________
(Colonel Convertible is sitting at a table. On the table near Colonel Convertible is a box of matches. Also on the table are two unlit candles/a stick or two of incense on a stand. General Destruction sits down across from Colonel Convertible.)
GENERAL DESTRUCTION: Long time no see, Colonel Convertible.
COLONEL CONVERTIBLE: I�m not a colonel anymore remember?
GENERAL DESTRUCTION: Oh yeah, you quit because being a colonel suddenly reminded you of all the horrible things you did.
COLONEL CONVERTIBLE: That�s right.
(Colonel Convertible picks up the box of matches and takes a match out. He starts sliding the side of the match along the side of the matchbox in a way that could not possibly light it.)
GENERAL DESTRUCTION: Whoa, Convertible using matches? What happened to your fiery explosive alchemy?
COLONEL CONVERTIBLE: It reminds me of horrible things!
GENERAL DESTRUCTION: Jeeze, for having the title of Fiery Alchemist you sure suck at lighting matches. Let me do it. I�m a pyro maniac. You should see me at the Fourth of July.
(General Destruction reaches out for the matchbox and the match. Colonel Convertible cringes away. Then, he puts the match away and sets the box back on the table. General Destruction slowly pulls back his hand.)
COLONEL CONVERTIBLE: Actually, I�m even worse at putting out fires, so it�s probably not a good idea to light candles/incense (choose). I have to get back to my duties of standing and looking official anyway. You should probably go, General Destruction.
(Colonel Convertible and General Destruction stand up.)
GENERAL DESTRUCTION: What changed you so much, Convertible?
COLONEL CONVERTIBLE: (Dramatic voice.) If only Edwurd hadn�t died in that horrible solar lamp/other object (choose) explosion! (Covers eyes with sleeve and pretends to cry.)
GENERAL DESTRUCTION: I thought that was just a figment of your imagination.
COLONEL CONVERTIBLE: (Looks up.) Oh yeah. Edwurd just disappeared one day� His father, Hoinhim (Really pronounce the name.), disappeared too. Alfonseh is still here, but he has one bad case of amnesia. He�s determined to find Edwurd� in a parallel universe. Yeah, he�s� a little insane too� (Convertible is lost in thought for a moment, then, looks back at General Destruction and points somewhere off camera.) Now get out of here, General Destruction!
(Some kind of music fades in.)
_________________________________________
(Outside on the gravel driveway Alfonseh is drawing a transmutation circle in the gravel with a stick/broom handle. Evil Raging Fire of Darkness is observing his work.)
EVIL RAGING FIRE OF DARKNESS: (When Alfonseh is done drawing a circle.) That�s more like a transmutation oval.
(Music stops.) ALFONSEH: What do you know you stupid long named freak!? Can�t you have a nickname or something? (Starts drawing some kind of pattern inside the transmutation �circle.�)
EVIL RAGING FIRE OF DARKNESS: I am Evil Raging Fire of Darkness, and I refuse to have a nickname!
ALFONSEH: I hope you die!
EVIL RAGING FIRE OF DARKNESS: Oh, I will.
ALFONSEH: (Frightened voice.) But I don�t want you to die! (Low voice.) But I�ll kill you if I have to.
EVIL RAGING FIRE OF DARKNESS: Jeeze, you�re confused.
ALFONSEH: It�s true. I can�t remember a chunk of my life. Can you believe I was on a 51 episode TV series?
EVIL RAGING FIRE OF DARKNESS: I was there, Alfonseh. I WAS THERE!
ALFONSEH: Oh, sorry, I forgot. Well, the transmutation circle is done. (Throws the broom/stick aside, claps his hands together, and places them on the outside of the transmutation circle. Nothing happens. He puts his ear up to the circle.) The circle says it needs a sacrifice to open the gate to the parallel universe. (Jumps up to his feet.) Quick! Kill yourself!
EVIL RAGING FIRE OF DARKNESS: Might I have a weapon?
ALFONSEH: No! Kill yourself, or I�ll do it for you!
EVIL RAGING FIRE OF DARKNESS: What do you want me to do? Strangle myself? You do it. It�ll be much more effective with alchemy. A fountain of blood would look cool too.
ALFONSEH: (Looks horrified for a second.) Okay, I�m over it. (Claps his hands together and places them on Evil Raging Fire of Darkness.)
_________________________________________
(In the ground floor of the garage, Edwurd enters through the side door. Hitler can be heard giving a speech of some sort upstairs. Alponseh is pretending to do some work at a workbench facing away from Edwurd. In the middle of the room Nazi Dragon is lying on the floor in the middle of a transmutation circle made out of string/drawn with chalk. Hoinhim is standing near Nazi Dragon with a glass of water hidden behind his back. There is a solar lamp/other object on the floor beside Hoinhim.)
EDWURD: Dad? What are you doing here at Hitler�s castle?
ALPONSE: (Looks back at Edwurd.) Yes, address his presence but not mine!
EDWURD: Well, you work here. I know what you�re doing here.
(Alponse turns back to the workbench in a huff.) HOINHIM: I�m here to convince you to open up the gate to the parallel universe, to our world.
EDWURD: Hitler wants to conquer the Germany of our world though! Wait, how�s he going to do that again? I don�t think an army of men could go against Colonel Convertible.
HOINHIM: Hitler is bringing a bomb with him. It looks a lot like that. (Points at the solar lamp/other object on the floor.)
EDWURD: Hey! That looks a lot like the bomb that I was telling Alponseh about! What if the made up story I made up wasn�t made up!?
HOINHIM: �Anyway, Hitler said that he wouldn�t put you and me in a concentration camp if we opened the gate.
EDWURD: It�s WE now?
HOINHIM: The circle needs a sacrifice. You can kill me and the gate will open.
EDWURD: Me kill you!? I can�t do that! I would get horribly traumatized, and I�m already traumatized enough as it is!
HOINHIM: Do it or I will explode!
EDWURD: �Why?
HOINHIM: I just ate a pound of pure potassium! All I have to do is drink this (Shows Edwurd the glass of water behind his back.) and I explode!
EDWURD: Shouldn�t you have exploded already?
HOINHIM: It�s movie magic. Get over it.
EDWURD: Can�t we just kill the dragon?
HOINHIM: The dragon�s already dead remember?
EDWURD: Oops.
HOINHIM: If you hadn�t killed the dragon, yes, we could have used him to open the gate, but no!
EDWURD: Freakz would have used him in a movie that probably wouldn�t make much money though.
HOINHIM: Do you really think Hitler would just let that happen?
EDWURD: I don�t want to kill anyone.
HOINHIM: (Sighs) That�s why I came prepared. I�m getting this over with. (Starts drinking the water.)
(The screen goes black, and there is an explosion noise. The picture fades back in. Edwurd is cringing from the place where Hoinhim was standing. Nazi Dragon and Hoinhim are gone. Hitler is no longer giving a speech upstairs.)
EDWURD: (Uncringes) That was� horrible.
ALPONSEH: Quick! Do that thing with the circle so that his death isn�t meaningless!
EDWURD: Oh, right. (Claps his hands together and places them on the outside of the circle.)
(The circle starts to glow from some light source placed on the circle [lamp/flashlight/Christmas tree lights/ect.]. Do not film this of course. Hitler and his minions upstairs scream for a bit.)
ALPONSEH: (Walks over by Edwurd.) Now all you have to do is jump in.
EDWURD: Don�t I need a rocket or something?
ALPONSEH: Not really. Rockets are only things that make this traveling between parallel universes sound high tech. They�re only for show.
EDWURD: Well, bye I guess. (Prepares to jump in.)
ALPONSEH: Wait, (Edwurd looks back to Alponseh.) I knew your father to be a� potassium lover. I�ve never heard what your mother was like though.
EDWURD: This is a really bad time to be telling stories I hope you know.
ALPONSEH: Just one more story for the road.
EDWURD: Fine. My mother is a pus spewing, organ pile, sin against God.
ALPONSEH: �Oh�
EDWURD: (Thinks for a second.) Oh man! I don�t want that to be your last memory of me! How about a joke?
_________________________________________
(Outside on the gravel driveway, Alfonseh is pressed against the cement wall looking frightened. Windray is standing beside him. Hitler and his minions are standing on the transmutation �circle� drawn in the gravel looking around confused. Hitler has a solar lamp/other object in his hand.)
HITLER: We are in Germany! Hail Hitler! (Hiles and screams incoherently.)
HITLER�S MINIONS: Hail Hitler! (Hile)
(All of them goose step down the driveway as they hile.)
WINDRAY: Who the hell is Hitler?
ALFONSEH: (Looks at Windray in surprise.) When did you get here, Windray!?
WINDRAY: I�m here for the reunion.
ALFONSEH: The Jenova reunion?
WINDRAY: Wrong movie! The reunion of Edwurd, you, and me of course.
ALFONSEH: Edwurd is coming?
WINDRAY: Isn�t he here? (Looks around.)
ALFONSEH: No.
WINDRAY: (Says through her teeth.) He�s always ruining everything!
(Edwurd appears in the middle of the transmutation �circle.�)
ALFONSEH: �EEEEYYY!
WINDRAY: Edwurd! You�re late!
EDWURD: Sorry, I was telling a joke. (Looks down at Hitler and his minions marching down the hill.) I knew I should have shortened that joke! Those men are here to conquer Germany.
ALFONSEH: But Germany is on a different land mass. We�re in Japan right now.
WINDRAY: Then, why are we speaking in English!?
EDWURD: The point is he has a bomb, and he�s going to set it off somewhere and kill thousands of people.
ALFONSEH: I knew I shouldn�t have opened the gate! This is all my fault! (Runs away.)
EDWURD: I never said that! Through the whole series he was an emotionless hunk of plastic, and now it�s like he�s going for an Emmy. Alfonseh! (Runs after him.)
_________________________________________
(Farther down the driveway, Edwurd catches up to Alfonseh. A flower/other plant is lying in the middle of the driveway.)
EDWURD: What was that all about? It�s not your fault.
ALFONSEH: It�s those cursed hormones.
EDWURD: (Yells at the sky.) Curse you puberty!
ALFONSEH: (Looks down at the flower/other plant lying in the driveway.) Oh no. They stepped on a flower/other plant (choose). I suppose that�s my fault too. I�m going to bring that flower/other plant (choose) back to life!
EDWURD: No! That�s the greatest sin an alchemist could possibly commit! We can�t go against the laws of nature. Remember what happened when we tried to bring our mom back to life?
ALFONSEH: No.
EDWURD: (Looks flustered) Your body was destroyed, and I had to attach your soul to a store mannequin! It�s the event that spawned the TV series and this movie. Do you want to start the process all over again by attempting to resurrect� a plant?
ALFONSEH: Sounds like it would be a boring plot� like (Drag out the word.) plants!
EDWURD: We�ve got bigger problems� like Hitler.
ALFONSEH: He does seem like one who could cause massive problems.
COLONEL CONVERTIBLE: (From offset.) I can help there! (Jumps onto the set all heroic like.)
EDWURD: Colonel Convertible!
ALFONSEH: You�re not emo anymore!
COLONEL CONVERTIBLE: I�m here to help you, Edwurd, Fullplastic Alchemist. Sorry I�m late for the reunion. I was looking official.
_________________________________________
(At the bottom of the driveway, Edwurd, Alfonseh, and Colonel Convertible catch up to Hitler and his minions and run in front of them. Hitler and his minions stop marching. Hitler is still holding the solar lamp/other object.)
EDWURD: Stop right there, Hitler, and hand over the bomb.
HITLER: No! Hail Hitler!
COLONEL CONVERTIBLE: � No! Tell me� Hitler, can your bomb do this? (Colonel Convertible snaps his fingers. There is a clip of something exploding.)
HITLER: Yes. (Prepares to throw the solar lamp/other object.)
COLONEL CONVERTIBLE: No, no! A demonstration is not needed. (Hitler lowers the solar lamp/other object.) Can your bomb do this!?
(Colonel Convertible snaps his fingers a lot. There are many clips of things exploding. Hitler and his minions are quiet for a beat.)
HITLER: We will go conquer a different GERMANY!
(Hitler and his minions turn around and hile march back up the driveway.)
COLONEL CONVERTIBLE: What will you do now, Fullplastic?
EDWURD: I�m going back to the other world.
ALFONSEH: But why!? I thought you wanted to come back to this world where you belong!
EDWURD: I have to go back and close the gate in the other world.
ALFONSEH: Can�t we just close the gate on this side and call it good? No one in the other world is going to notice a horrible swirling vortex of doom.
EDWURD: We shouldn�t be so selfish, Alfonseh.
ALFONSEH: Why shouldn�t we be selfish? We haven�t gained anything in our lives. We get maimed bullied, beat up, traumatized, killed, and separated in the TV series. I read all about it. Now instead of living in this world with me not attached to a store mannequin, you�d rather be ruled by that guy. (Points at Hitler up the driveway.)
(On the transmutation �circle,� Hitler is screaming incoherently and hiling.)
EDWURD: Yep! I�m going to a concentration camp! (Gives a thumps up and smiles.) And you know what else, Alfonseh? I�ve spent the majority of my life studying alchemy, but I�d give it up in a second like I�m going to do right now. Bye! (Starts running up the driveway.)
COLONEL CONVERTIBLE and ALFONSEH: (Watch Edwurd sadly. Then, they notice Windray offset.) When did you get here!?
(The camera moves over to Windray.) WINDRAY: (Says through her teeth.) He�s always ruining everything!
ALFONSEH: You�re just jealous. Something tells me you just got dumped for a gypsy.
_________________________________________
(In the garage, Edwurd appears in the middle of the transmutation circle, which is still glowing. No One is holding Alponseh in her arms/sitting beside him. Alponseh is playing dead. There is a blanket somewhere in the room that is easily accessible to No One. If the actor playing Alponseh is bad at keeping a strait face, the blanket can also be over him.)
NO ONE: Why would you come back here? Don�t you realize you�ve just made Alponseh�s death meaningless!?
EDWURD: Alponseh is dead? But he was alive before I left. He was laughing merrily at my joke� and not breathing much.
NO ONE: Exactly! He died of oxygen not getting to his brain!
EDWURD: Well, that�s how everyone dies eventually.
NO ONE: The point is you killed him! I thought you going and being happy in your own world would make up for his death, but now it�s just meaningless!
EDWURD: Well, the gate is still open. I suppose I could go back, but I need to close the gate. Someone could try to go through and die horribly when the gate on the other side is closed.
NO ONE: No one will notice! I�ll just� (Looks around. Then, stands up and picks up the blanket.) I�ll just cover it with this heavy blanket. (Shakes out the blanket.)
EDWURD: I guess that would work. Well� bye!
_________________________________________
ALTERNATE ENDING #1
(Outside on the driveway where the gravel transmutation �circle� is, Alfonseh is kicking away the �circle.� Colonel Convertible is standing nearby.)
ALFONSEH: I hope Edwurd didn�t change his mind when he got back. If he tried to go through, he would have died horribly.
COLONEL CONVERTIBLE: He sounded pretty confident to me.
ALFONSEH: I�m sad that he decided to leave in the first place.
COLONEL CONVERTIBLE: (Points up at the sky.) Look at that sky. (Both of them look up at it.) Isn�t that an awesome sky to look at while the narrator says stuff?
(The camera pans up towards the sky slowly.)
NARRATOR: And so Edwurd died horribly. It was horrible. Alfonseh attended therapy for the rest of his life as he dealt with his memory loss and the guilt of killing Evil Raging Fire of Darkness for no reason. Colonel Convertible went back to being emo, and later, died when he accidentally snapped his fingers and lit his house on fire. Windray never was friends with a boy again. Even Alfonseh was REJECTED. Hitler conquered the Germany of Earth and a Germany in the Cat�s Cradle Nebula. Many curious people died after jumping to the horrible swirling vortex, which No One failed to cover up with a blanket. The vortex ate it! When No One was blamed for killing Alponseh, she jumped into the vortex herself. And they all lived happily ever after. The End.
_________________________________________
ALTERNATE ENDING #2
(This alternate ending and alternate ending #1 can both be filmed or one can be filmed and the other not. Outside on the driveway, Alfonseh and Colonel Convertible are standing near the transmutation �circle.� Edwurd appears in the middle of it.)
EDWURD, ALFONSEH, and COLONEL CONVERTIBLE: �EEEEYYY!
ALFONSEH: Good thing you changed your mind when you did. We were about to close the gate, and you would have died horribly if you tried to go through after that.
(All laugh.) COLONEL CONVERTIBLE: (Points up at the sky.) Look at that sky. (All of them look up at it.) Isn�t that an awesome sky to look at while the narrator says stuff?
(The camera pans up towards the sky slowly.) NARRATOR: And so, after Windray found out Edwurd had been hanging around gypsies, he received a few slaps and all was forgiven. Hitler conquered the Germany of Earth. Then, tried to go back to conquer the Germany of the other parallel universe. He died� horribly� like many curious onlookers who jumped into the vortex that No One was unable to cover up. We won�t talk about that though. The End.
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ENDING CREDITS
(It�s best to do scrolling credits without stuff going on in the background. That doesn�t mean you can�t do it. If you do, or you just have a small screen with stuff going on in it, bloopers or extra footage can be used. If there isn�t going to be video you can�t forget music.)

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