TVImprov


	TV Improvisation
	As some of you may already know these two "scripts" used to be on the Anime Backstage page. Since Drugs of Metropolis was such a big script I figured it needed a page of its own. I didn't want just one thing on a page so I put Nick of Metropolis with it. After all, Nick of Metropolis fits better with Drugs of Metropolis than it does on the Anime Backstage page. There a full explaination of what these two "scripts" are before each story. No explaination is required here.


		Drugs of Metropolis Typed up by Emily Palmieri Dubbed by Eustacia Kathrens, Emily Palmieri, Marshall Evans, and Nick Palmieri Cast Eustacia: Narrator 1, Voldemort Sr. 1, Crowd 1, Sound Effects 1, Partier 3, Blue Guy 2, Reporter 2, Yellow Hair, Robot 1, Scientist 1, Voldemort 1, Uncle Vernon 1, Stamper 1, Harry Pothead 1, Intercom 1, Jim Carry 1, Sexy Pigtail Man 1, Hermiony 1, Bald Man 1, Hagrid 1, Police 1, Clown, Mr. T 1, Escalator Man, Goth 1, Maid 1, Bar Tender 1, Meth Zombie Emily: Narrator 2, Voldemort Sr. 2, Crowd 2, Sound Effects 2, Partier, Partier 2, Blue Guy 1, Reporter 1, Voldemort 2, Robot 2, Scientist 2, Uncle Vernon 2, Stamper 2, Jim Carry 2, Intercom 2, Hermiony 2, Bald Man 2, Sexy Pigtail Man 2, Hagrid 2, Police 2, Teeth Man 2, Mr. T 2, Maid 2, Bar Tender 2 Marshall: Crowd 3, Voldemort Sr. 3, Blue Guy 3, Narrator 3, Goth 2 Nick: Hermiony 3, Sound Effects 3, Narrator 4, Harry Pothead 3, Voldemort 3, Hagrid 3, Uncle Vernon 3 A note to the reader: This is a complete improvisation done mostly by Eustacia Kathrens and me, Emily Palmieri. There was no script. Much like �Who�s Line is it Anyway?� I just typed up everything that we said after we finished recording and all that. It wasn�t easy. Especially when we used a crappy microphone. If you�ve ever put the TV on mute and made the people say different things than what they are really saying you�ll understand what�s going on here. If you haven�t done that, you should. It�s really fun. This is an improvisation of the anime version of Metropolis if any of you have ever seen it. Don�t worry. We weren�t really doing drugs during the recording of this� even though its sounds like we�re insane� In fact our original idea was to make this into a �Don�t do drugs� film where people are shown as nasty evil robots and meth zombies. Enjoy. Credits: (Daft Punk: Television Rules the Nation starts.) NARRATOR 1: Dun, du, du, duuun. Dun, dun, dun, duuuuuuun. NARRATOR 2: Play! NARRATOR 1: Dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun dun! Eclipse! Oh my God! NARRATOR 2: Destination Films. NARRATOR 1: Dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun dun! Credits. NARRATOR 2: TV. NARRATOR 1: My God. Look at that. NARRATOR 2: Fun! Naaaaaaaa! NARRATOR 1: Oh my God! NARRATOR 2: Naaaaaaaa! NARRATOR 1: Nuuuuuuuuur! Dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun. Bandai visual presents. NARRATOR 2: Your mom. NARRATOR 1: Your face. Dun dun dun dun dun dun. Look birds. Oh my God. NARRATOR 2: CAAAAW! CAAAAAAAW! NARRATOR 1: CAAAAAW! Brenda. Look at the tiki heads! NARRATOR 2: Yay. Tiki head. NARRATOR 1: AHHHH! My God! NARRATOR 2: Emotion. NARRATOR 1: Look at that. That�s so fuunneh. NARRATOR 2: Emotions are fun. NARRATOR 1: Yeey! NARRATOR 2: Nur! NARRATOR 1: Dun dun dun dun dun dun dun don. The movie might start now. NARRATOR 2: Nundiyo? NARRATOR 1: What the hell? NARRATOR 2: Konechiwa. NARRATOR 1: Ohio! The movie might start now. Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God! (gasp) NARRATOR 2: That�s so wise! NARRATOR 1: Oh my God! NARRATOR 2: My hero! NARRATOR 1: Red lines. Lkajdlfksj. (Laughs all insane like for a second.) NARRATOR 2: Producers! NARRATOR 1: More people! NARRATOR 2: Base on the comic by� that person. NARRATOR 1: More red lines. NARRATOR 2: Screenplay. NARRATOR 1: Dun dun dun dun dun dun. NARRATOR 2: And that guy. NARRATOR 1: More red lines! NARRATOR 2: Nur duh! NARRATOR 1: Dun dun dun dun dun dun. Oh my God. Music music music music. Directed by that guy. Hahaha� Dun dun dun dun dun dun. Show: VOLDEMORT SR. 1: Oh look at me. VOLDEMORT SR. 2: I will rule the African tipi with drugs and weird dances on top of buildings. VOLDEMORT SR. 1: Oh look at me. I�m the drug lord! VOLDEMORT SR. 2: �wuz� But there will be a new throne! VOLDEMORT SR. 1: Soon! VOLDEMORT SR. 2: Soon! And it will be ruled by somebody else. VOLDEMORT SR. 1: Soon! VOLDEMORT SR. 2: Because I wuz the drug lord! NARRATOR 1: WUZ! NARRATOR 2: Wuz! NARRATOR 1: Look at that! NARRATOR 2: Waaaaaaaahaha! NARRATOR 1: Oh my God! NARRATOR 2: Weeeeeeee! NARRATOR 1: Holy crap. NARRATOR 2: We�re doing things. NARRATOR 1: Oh my God. We�re flashing around! NARRATOR 2: Flashing. Flashing! Oh, we�re going down! NARRATOR 1: Ah! NARRATOR 2: Now we�re going sideways! NARRATOR 1: The elevator�s broken. NARRATOR 2: Yeah. It broke. NARRATOR 1: Somebody left the lights on. Look at the fireworks! BOOM! NARRATOR 2: They�re not going off so they�re blowing up the crowd. NARRATOR 1: Oh my God! NARRATOR 2: Haha! CROWD: AH! NARRATOR 1: The crowd is� burning! NARRATOR 2: Naha! I laugh at the crowd. NARRATOR 1: Haha! That�s funneh. CROWD 2: Ahhhhh! My God! CROWD 1: Oh fireworks! Wow! CROWD 2: We�re burning! CROWD 1: We love you! NARRATOR 2: They�re all giggly. NARRATOR 1: Giggly! SOUND EFFECTS 1: BOOM! SOUND EFFECTS 2: Boom boom, bang! NARRATOR 1: Oh my God! Weeeeeeeeeeeeeee! Flashback! NARRATOR 2: The elevator�s still broken! NARRATOR 1: Oh my God! I thought that electrician would have came by now. NARRATOR 2: That stupid electrician guy. NARRATOR 1: I hate him! NARRATOR 2: He sucks. NARRATOR 1: No cocaine for him. Look at the flying thing! Haha! Don�t smoke it. NARRATOR 2: Too bad I�m smokin� it! NARRATOR 1: Oh no! It�s the title. NARRATOR 2: Haha! The title�s fun. NARRATOR 1: Look at it. Weeeee. NARRATOR 2: It�s a blimp. NARRATOR 1: It�s going to BLOW UP! PARTIER: Oh this is such a lovely party. Don�t you think? PARTIER 2: Yes, it�s absolutely smashing. PARTIER 3: Drinks, drinks? Cigarettes, cigarettes? PARTIER: Cigarettes anyone? Cigar, weed. PARTIER 3: Cocaine? PARTIER, PARTIER 3: METH! (Daft Punk: Television Rules the nation ends.) PARTIER 3: Aw man we�re all high! PARTIER: Haha! PARTIER 3: Hahahanuuuuuuuuuuuurrrrrrrrrrrrr PARTIER: I�m a drunk. PARTIER 3: Look at me. VOLDEMORT SR. 2: Watch me as I spill my drink all over you. VOLDEMORT SR. 1: Look at us. We�re going to go get STUFF! NARRATOR 1: Look at it. It�s the king of� NARRATOR 2: The pony! CROWD 1: Oh my God! CROWD 2: Yeah! CROWD 1: Weeeeeeeee! Hooray! Oh my God! CROWD 3: Braaaaaaa braaaaaaa baaaaaaaakkkkkkk! VOLDEMORT SR. 2: Now everyone shut up because you suck. CROWD 1: Meow? VOLDEMORT SR. 2: This guy�s cool see? VOLDEMORT SR. 3: You have no idea. VOLDEMORT SR. 1: Oh my God! He�s like blue and he�s so cool because he�s HIGH. (gasp) There�s a car! BLUE GUY 1: Where? BLUE GUY 2: Uh� BLUE GUY 1: It�s in the sky yo! Right up there see? BLUE GUY 2: My eyes! BLUE GUY 3: Check out what I got. BLUE GUY 2: Smoke that shit! REPORTER 1: Oh I want to smoke some sir, please! BLUE GUY 2: Too bad. BLUE GUY 1: No. REPORTER 2: What!? REPORTER 1: But I love to smoke. YELLOW HAIR: Too bad! BLUE GUY 2: I know. They suck. SOUND EFFECTS 1: BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM! CROWD 2: Yay! Aha! CROWD 1: Oh my God! CROWD 2: The building blew up! CROWD 1: Oh my God! HARRY POTHEAD 1: Look at it. What�s that? What�s that? What�s that? What is it? What is it! UNCLE VERNON 2: I don�t know. HARRAY POTHEAD: Tell me what it is! CROWD 2: Oh my God! Look at that! It�s the flying car! CROWD 1: (gasps) OH MY GOD! CROWD 1, 2: It�s a pony! (Crowd 1 gasps.) OLD MAN: A pony in the sky? I want one. CROWD 1: Oh my God! Ohmygod (gasp) Ohmygod (gasp) Ohmygod (gasp) NARRATOR 1: Oh no! Somebody didn�t pay the power bill! NARRATOR 2: No! The pony fell down. You killed the pony! No don�t kill the pony! NARRATOR 1: (Talks with Narrator 2 after �You��) I hate you! You don�t taste like chicken! VOLDEMORT 2: Now to go after my main target. That guy. ROBOT 1: WAAAAAAAAAHH! OH MY GOD! Oof. ROBOT 2: My back. SOUND EFFECTS 1: BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM! ROBOT 1: Look at me! Look at me! Oh my God I�m going to stagger around. ROBOT 2: Nur! SOUND EFFECTS 1: Boom! ROBOT 2: Oh my God! SOUND EFFECTS 1: Boom! ROBOT 2: Oh my God! My ass! (Crowd 1 gasps during Robot 2 starting with Robot 2 after �Oh my God!�) ROBOT 1: Twitch, twitch, twitch. NARRATOR 1: Dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun. SOUND EFFECTS 1: (gasp) Click. NARRATOR 1: Twitch. SCIENTIST 2: No I wonder why I�m chewing on my thumb. AHH! SCIENTIST 1: The drugs! Oh my God! (Hyperventilates) Who are you? Who the hell are you? Why are you in my house? Why are you on DRUGS! Oh my God! SCIENTIST 2: Hello, I take off my hat to show you my bald head. VOLDEMORT SR. 1: Oh my God! SCIENTIST 2: Cuz it�s really bald see? It�s so bald it�s shiny. VOLDEMORT SR. 1: (Starts after ��bald see?�� Ticked off girl noise.) I hate you! Oh my God! I hate you so much! Like that much! And you need to die because the lights came on. Hey someone paid the power bill. SCIENTIST 2: Oh wow! I didn�t. It was my gay homo. VOLDEMORT SR. 1: Well, you suck. I�m gonna walk over here with my white PIN STRAPS. SCIENTIST 2: I don�t have white pin straps. VOLDEMORT SR. 1: Because you�re stupid. SCIENTIST 2: I have brown pin straps. VOLDEMORT SR. 1: No you don�t because you�re not cool. That�s why you need to GO AWAY! SCIENTIST 2: You�re father sucks. VOLDEMORT 2: Oh I know. VOLDEMORT 1: Sup dudes? Knock, knock. VOLDEMORT 2: Hello? VOLDEMORT SR. 1: I hate you. VOLDEMORT 1: Oh my God. Oh my God. VOLDEMORT 2: Dad? Are you dead? VOLDEMORT SR. 1: No! VOLDEMORT 2: Dad? VOLDEMORT SR. 1: You SHUT UP! VOLDEMORT SR. 2: You stupid� person� SOUND EFFECTS 1: Slap. VOLDEMORT SR. 2: I�ll smack you like that! Give you a few light slams! VOLDEMORT 1: All right. NARRATOR 1: Back at the meth lab. Dun dun dun dun dun dun dun. CROWD 1: Oh my God! CROWD 2: I love escalators! Weeee! I�m dancin� on the escalator! CROWD 1: Giggly, giggly, giggly! Weeeeeeeee! CROWD 2: I�m coughin� on the escalator! UNCLE VERNON 1: Hey, has anyone seen that� one thing? UNCLE VERNON 2: You know the thing that�s we�re supposed to be doing right now? CROWD 3: I did! UNCLE VERNON 1: WHAT!? Oh my God! UNCLE VERNON 2: Tell me! Tell me right now! HARRY POTHEAD: Holy crap! What the hell? SOUND EFFECTS 1: Stamp. Stamp. Stamp. STAMPER 1: What!? STAMPER 2: What the hell is this? STAMPER 1: What!? STAMPER 2: Oh well, it�s not my job to read those things anyway. UNCLE VERNON 1: Oh my God! It�s a FLEA! UNCLE VERNON 2: (gasp) That�s the biggest flea ever! Oh my God! UNCLE VERNON 1: AH! It�s VOMITING! Vomit! SOUND EFFECTS 2: Smack. UNCLE VERNON 2: Is there a problem? STAMPER 1: Yes! UNCLE VERNON 2: Oh I�m sorry. I didn�t know there was a problem. I just walked in here. And I�m supposed to be doing something but I forgot. STAMPER 1: (Start after ��doing something but��) WELL THAT�S JUST TOO BAD! UNCLE VERNON 2: I was smoking before you know and I forgot. STAMPER 1: Well, that�s too bad. The flea hates you. UNCLE VERNON 1: See? The flea hates me. UNCLE VERNON 2: And that�s why I forgot cuz I remembered it hated me. Ya know? I can only remember one thing at a time. UNCLE VERNON 1: (GASP) My God! It�s a blimp. STAMPER 2: Oh you�ve never seen one of those things before. You�re pretty stupid you stupid Japanese person! HARRY POTHEAD 1: Well, my head�s made of� marijuana. What do you expect? I hate you. STAMPER 2: You�re smoking too much. I might have to turn you in for that, but it�s � that�s not my job either. I just stamp things. UNCLE VERNON 1: WHAT!? STAMPER 2: Oh you didn�t know my job did you? You didn�t notice. NARRATOR 1: Dun, dun dun, dun dun. Back here. SOUND EFFECTS 1: Step. SOUND EFFECTS 2: Click, click. SOUND EFFECTS 1, 2: High heel. HARRY POTHEAD 2: Oh my God. HARRY POTHEAD 1: There�s a dude coming! He�s going to kill us! UNCLE VERNON 1: Oh my God! Look at the light. STAMPER 1: Don�t stare into the light. It�ll take you away. Oh my God! (gasp) It�s Jim CARRY! HARRY POTHEAD 2: It�s Jim Carry! Oh my God! HARRY POTHEAD 1: Oh my God! HARRY POTHEAD 2: I finally get to meet you! HARRY POTHEAD 1: Yay! STAMPER 2: So this is Jim Carry. Don�t freak out too much now okay? HARRY POTHEAD 1: (GAAAAAASP) Oh my God! (gasp) Oh my God! (gasp) JIM CARRY 2: I�m Jim Carry the robot � I mean� human. HARRY POTHEAD 1: Can I shake your hand? Please? Pretty please? (GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAASP) MY GOD! NARRATOR 1: Look at the building. INTERCOM 2: I am the brain washing intercom. Okay? This is the best city ever cuz everyone smokes and does pot and� yeah. Even me. The robot intercom. INTERCOM 1: Oh yeah. Now everyone remember it is illegal to be sober so it you are you�re going to die. INTERCOM 2: Yeah we�ll send our evil platoon on you and then it�s going to kill you. INTERCOM 1: Oh yeah. Look at all the people wandering around. Being glazed over. Standing on the checkered tiles� INTERCOM 2: You never noticed that? INTERCOM 1: No, never. EVER! UNCLE VERNON 2: So Jim Carry. What are we supposed to do now? JIM CARRY 1: Um� UNCLE VERNON 2: I forgot what we�re supposed to do. I�ve been smoking again. You know? HARRY POTHEAD 1: Stop eating my head! Oh my God! I hate you! UNCLE VERNON 2: (Turns to Jim Carry.) I�m sorry son. Your head is just so delicious you know. JIM CARRY 1: I�m not your son. UNCLE VERNON 2: Oho. HARRY POTHEAD 1: I feel so neglected. UNCLE VERNON 1: Wow. UNCLE VERNON 2: Look at that guy. He�s purple. JIM CARRY 1: No way. Why am I�? JIM CARRY 2: �smokin� somethin� different. HARRY POTHEAD 1: Um� maybe� UNCLE VERNON 2: Sure he is. Have you ever seen a purple drug before son? HARRY POTHEAD 1: Uh, yeah, actually I have. UNCLE VERNON 2: Really? That�s quite interesting. HARRY POTHEAD 1: Yes, my teacher showed it to me. UNCLE VERNON 2: Oh, did you smoke it? HARRY POTHEAD 1: Uh, no. UNCLE VERNON 2: Did you eat it? HARRY POTHEAD 1: No. UNCLE VERNON 2: Did you sniff it? HARRY POTHEAD 1: No. UNCLE VERNON 2: Did you inject it? HARRY POTHEAD 1: No. UNCLE VERNON 2: Well, what�s the use of a drug like that then? HARRY POTHEAD 1: I sold it. UNCLE VERNON 2: Oh. JIM CARRY: Well, this is where I leave you. FOREVER! And ever! ROBOT 1: HaunaunaunaunauI�mbreaking. Oh my God! ROBOT 2: My head! ROBOT 1: Malfunction! ROBOT 2: Aaaaaaah! SOUND EFFECTS 1: Smack! NARRATOR 2: Nuclear bomb. ROBOT 1: Oh my God! I�m breaking! SOUND EFFECTS 1: Smack. ROBOT 2: You broke me! ROBOT 1: Oh no! NARRATOR 1: Black out. NARRATOR 2: Hello. SOUND EFFECTS 1: Drrrag. JIM CARRY 1: Oh my God. He�s bleeding. Um� yeah. NARRATOR 1: Trash can! (Sound effects 1 and 2 make a slurping noise.) NARRATOR 1: Dududududuududududweeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! NARRATOR 2: Fly away! Meow! JIM CARRY 1: Look at the pretty glass. Isn�t it so pretty? UNCLE VERNON 2: I wish I could afford glass like that. JIM CARRY 1: Too bad. UNCLE VERNON 2: But I spend it all on drugs. JIM CARRY 1: Well, duh! That�s why the city owns it cuz they only buy the cheap� crap. HARRY POTHEAD 2: You know where we can get some food here cuz all I see is drugs. HARRY POTHEAD 1: I got the munchies. HARRY POTHEAD 2: Look I can�t read that. HARRY POTHEAD 1: My eyes hurt! Nuuuuuuuuuuuuuur! HARRY POTHEAD 2: Everything�s all squiggly! HARRY POTHEAD 1: Squiggly! Giggly! NARRATOR 1: Zone 1. NARRATOR 2: Zone minus 1. NARRATOR 1: Zone negative three billion. Wow, look. It�s a guy in a wheel chair! NARRATOR 2: Haha! That�s a cool wheel chair. HARRY POTHEAD 1: Oh my God! It�s a street sign. JIM CARRY 1: Stairs. We go down stairs! UNCLE VERNON 2: Oh my God! It�s not an escalator. What kind of place is this? HARRY POTHEAD 1: What the hell? NARRATOR 1: Black out. NARRATOR 2: Again. NARRATOR 1: Oh my God. NARRATOR 2: We have way to many of those you know. NARRATOR 1: Yeah well� um� wait. What was I saying? NARRATOR 3: BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! NARRATOR 2: Exactly. VOLDEMORT SR. 1: We�re going to go walk down this alley. Oh yeah. Look at us. CROWD 3: Don�t go down the alley! VOLDEMORT SR. 1: Oh my God! VOLDEMORT SR. 2: Too bad! We�re going down it anyway cuz you suck! VOLDEMORT SR. 1: Oh shaft! VOLDEMORT SR. 2: Ooo burn! VOLDEMORT SR. 1: Look at my billowy cape! NARRATOR 2: It�s so mysterious. NARRATOR 1: Oh my God! VOLDEMORT SR. 2: Jeeze, what have they been smoking in here? It�s all foggy. PARTIER 3: Holy crap! I know it�s illegal to be sober but JEEZE! VOLDEMORT SR. 2: Open a hatch at least! We need to deteriorate the ozone layer faster you know! PARTIER 3: I know! NARRATOR 1: It�s� a DOORNOB! SCIENTIST 1: I hate you! SCIENTIST 2: Do you like my automatic door? VOLDEMORT SR. 1: No. SCIENTIST 2: But it opens automatically! VOLDEMORT SR. 1: I still have the munchies! NARRATOR 1: Doodeedoo. NARRATOR 2: Do de do de DO! NARRATOR 1: Do de do de do! VOLDEMORT SR. 1: Look we�re here! NARRATOR 1: Oh wow. This is so cool! NARRATOR 2: I knows! NARRATOR 1: It�s like oh my Gawd! VOLDEMORT SR. 2: I want to touch it! NARRATOR 1: Oh my Gawd! SCIENTIST 2: Don�t touch it! SCIENTIST 1: No! Don�t! Don�t! SCIENTIST 2: It�s special! SCIENTIST 1: Now it isn�t! SCIENTIST 2: Now it�s not special. VOLDEMORT SR. 1: Well, I�m touching it anyways. SCIENTIST 2: But� but it�s not special anymore because it has FINGER PRINTS on it! Finger prints! See that? Finger prints! My hand has finger prints on it! You know? Because I made that thing whatever it is in there. NARRATOR 1: It�s an eyeball. SCIENTIST 2: You see that eye up there? It�s not really there you know, so don�t look at it. Kay? VOLDEMORT SR. 1: Oh wow. This is so cool. Wow I can hear my own thoughts. VOLDEMORT SR. 2: Wow, I�m actually thinking. VOLDEMORT SR. 1: Wow! I must be like not high or something. VOLDEMORT SR. 2: I need to go back to my hideout and like smoke something. VOLDEMORT SR. 1: Oh yeah. VOLDEMORT SR. 2: Or sniff something or� VOLDEMORT SR. 1: Whatever. VOLDEMORT SR. 2: Yeah. SOUND EFFECTS 1: Click. NARRATOR 2: Let me give you a hug! NARRATOR 1: I love you cold and unfeeling arm. SCIENTIST 1: Oh my God! It�s gonna burn! LAAAAAAAAAAAA! SCIENTIST 2: Pull some levers and press some buttons. It does something! See look the pictures are changing. SCIENTIST 1: Oh my God! Look at that. It�s a red light. Oh my God! Why is there a red light? SCIENTIST 2: I wonder why I�m sucking my thumb again. I must be a real baby. SCIENTIST 1: And why the hell do I only have three teeth? I want more. SCIENTIST 2: Yeah. More teeth are good. INTERCOM 1: Over ride because I feel like it. SCIENTIST 2: At least I can�t eat anything cuz then I can spend more time doing drugs. SCIENTIST 1: Oh yeah! WHAT!? Why did you step on that!? SCIENTIST 2: You put your footprints on it even though you�re wearing shoes! VOLDEMORT 1: I hate you! Well, that�s just too fucking bad cuz I hate you. SCIENTIST 2: Don�t shaft your elders! Shafting your elders is bad. Didn�t you learn that? I�m going to squeeze you. VOLDEMORT 1: No! Um� no! No! No. And� um� What�s that? Oh my God. That�s creepy. SCIENTIST 2: No, it�s not creepy! It�s my masterpiece. SCIENTIST 1: I�m twitchin�. SCIENTIST 2: I�m twitchin�, I�m twitchin�. SOUND EFFECTS 1: Swweeeeeew. (Static-X: Burning Inside starts.) VOLDEMORT 1: Oh my, God. Black out! What the hell? Why do I have a gun? I need a joint! Oh my God! SCIENTIST 2: No! Don�t do it. You don�t need to shoot it. VOLDEMORT 1: But. SCIENTIST 2: It�s mine. VOLDEMORT 1: But� look at that. Oh my God. VOLDEMORT 2: I know she isn�t sober VOLDEMORT 1: But I�m going to shoot her anyways. SCIENTIST 1: Well, that�s� um� VOLDEMORT 1: I turn slowly. SCIENTIST 2: Oh no! Dramatic effect! SCIENTIST 1: AHHHHHHH! VOLDEMORT 2: Curse you dramatic effect! VOLDEMORT 1: AAAAAAH! SOUND EFFECTS 1: Boom! Boom! Boom! SOUND EFFECTS 2: Boom! Boom! Boom! Flash. Flash. VOLDEMORT 2: Yeah! SOUND EFFECTS 1: Boom! VOLDEMORT 2: I�m dancing. They�re taking pictures of me. VOLDEMORT 1: Oh yeah! VOLDEMORT 2: Yeah! I�m posing. I�m running. VOLDEMORT 1: Run away! Run away! Run away! VOLDEMORT 2: Run away! VOLDEMORT 1: Run away! VOLDEMORT 2: Quick there�s a bomb in the crapper! VOLDEMORT 1: Oh my God it�s me. Um� wait� Where am I? Uh� VOLDEMORT 2: I think I�ll go this way. VOLDEMORT 1: All right. La la la la la! Oh my God! The door�s locked! VOLDEMORT 2: Ah! People! NARRATOR 1: Run up the stairs! Can! SEXY PIGTAIL MAN 1: Oh my God. It blew up. Oh my God. SCIENTIST 1: (Coughs 2 times.) I know I shouldn�t have put that bomb in there. HERMIONY 2: Potassium blows up in the toilet! HERMIONY 1: My God I�m growing hair! HERMIONY 2: And my eyes change colors! NARRATOR 1: Oh my God? SOUND EFFECTS 1: Boom! SOUND EFFECTS 2: Boom! SOUND EFFECTS 1: Wakkuuuuuuuu! Wakkuuuuuuuu! Kllllllllllllllllllllllll! CROWD 1: Oh � my - God! ROBOT 2: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! Doo dee doo dee doo! ROBOT 1: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! CROWD 1: Let�s all run away! Woohoo! My God! HARRY POTHEAD 2: Well, dah! What�s up there? ROBOT 2: Doo dee doo dee doo dee doooo! ROBOT 1: I�m going to sing the doom song now! ROBOT 2: Doo dee doo dee doo! ROBOT 1: Doo� nur� NARRATOR 1: Well� I think something�s happening. NARRATOR 2: Yup, something�s defiantly happening. But all I see is drugs and zombies. CROWD 1: Let�s run around! Let�s play ring around the rosy. Look over there! CROWD 2: Oh damn! It�s burning! CROWD 1: Oh my God! All the hobos! They�re running away! Oh my God! The poor hobos! Why the hobos!? Why the hobos!? HOOOOOOOBOOOOOOOOOOOOOS� BALD MAN 2: Cuz hobos like to watch pretty colors! Isn�t that right hobos? CROWD 1: Oh yeah! CROWD 2: Yeah! JIM CARRY 1: Look� I�m Jim Carry. BALD MAN 1: (gasp) Oh� my God. BALD MAN 2: Jim Carry? Give me your hat! I love it! (Knocks hat off Jim Carry�s head.) Aww� Too bad I forgot how to grab things or I would have had your hat by now. UNCLE VERNON 1: Well, that�s just too bad! UNCLE VERNON 2: Don�t take his hat! UNCLE VERNON 1: He likes his hat! Oh my God! Rats! AAAAAAAAH! The rats! The rats! HARRY POTHEAD 2: Oh no, a rat. ROBOT 1: Runnnnnnnnnnning. ROBOT 2: In place. ROBOT 1: With big butts. ROBOT 2: Ass. ROBOT 1: Wow. UNCLE VERNON 1: Oh my God! Look at the rats! The rats! NARRATOR 2: I like rats! NARRATOR 1: The rats! What the hell are the rats doing? NARRATOR 2: Cuz they like to do that. NARRATOR 1: Oh. Oh my God. Wow this has to be the weirdest acid trip EVER. NARRATOR 2: Maybe this whole movie is just one big acid trip. NARRATOR 1: No, it feels real� cuz we�re fLYING. NARRATOR 2: They�re shooting fire at it. NARRATOR 1: Oh my God! NARRATOR 2: That�s going to really work. (Static-X: Burning Inside ends.) NARRATOR 1: Oh yeah! BALD MAN 1: You think this town needs a government? SEXY PIGTAIL MAN 2: No, governments are boring. BALD MAN 1: Oh yeah. UNCLE VERNON 2: Here�s my card. I�ll be your government if you need one. SEXY PIGTAIL MAN 1: But� UNCLE VERNON 1: I�m running away now! Oh my God! We have to do something about this! HARRY POTHEAD 1: Why? HARRY POTHEAD 2: I�ll go put the fire out with my coat. UNCLE VERNON 1: Yeah, I�m sure� HARRY POTHEAD 2: I�m sure that�s work! (Points to Hermiony.) UNCLE VERNON 1: Oh yeah! UNCLE VERNON 2: Go use that person in there to put out the fire. HARRY POTHEAD 1: Okay! Run! Run! Oh my God I�m running! Running! NARRATOR 2: Running in a random direction. NARRATOR 1: Random. SOUND EFFECTS 1: Boom! UNCLE VERNON 2: Oh no! UNCLE VERNON 1: EEEEEEE! Oh my God I�m going to die! Uh! SOUND EFFECTS 2: Bang. UNCLE VERNON 1: Wow. UNCLE VERNON 2: That fell really fast. UNCLE VERNON 1: Let�s do that again! NARRATOR 1: Fire, fire, fire, and a fire! NARRATOR 2: Fire! (Narrator 1 and 2 make random loud noises.) SOUND EFFECTS 1: Boom! Boom. UNCLE VERNON 2: I forgot how to� UNCLE VERNON 1: I just broke a window! NARRATOR 2: You�re going to have to pay for that! NARRATOR 1: Oh my God! It�s a white person. HERMIONY 2: Ha! I�m white. HERMIONY 1: Now I�m green. NARRATOR 2: Never smoke the ashes! HARRY POTHEAD 1: (Gasp) My God! You�re NAKED! HARRY POTHEAD 2: I�ve never seen a naked lady before, so put this coat on. See? HARRY POTHEAD 1: Yeah cuz you�re naked. NARRATOR 2: Yeah! Naked is bad! SCIENTIST 1: That�s the one thing our government doesn�t allow! (Points to book.) SCIENTIST 2: Books! UNCLE VERNON 1: Book! UNCLE VERNON 2: A book? That�s stupid! UNCLE VERNON 1: Why the hell do you need to read? SCIENTIST 1: Just grab the stupid book! HERMIONY 1: EEEEEEEEEEEEEE! HARRY POTHEAD 2: We have to wait for that to fall down before we can run past it you know. HERMIONY 1: Let�s run now anyways. HARRY POTHEAD 2: Let�s run this way. Towards that falling piece of matter. HERMIONY 1: Oh my God! We�re going to die! AAAAAAAAAH! HARRY POTHEAD 2: Woops, fell in a hole. HERMIONY 1: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! HARRY POTHEAD 2: Weeeeeeeeeeee! NARRATOR 1: Fire, fire, drink soda! SOUND EFFECTS 1: Boom! HERMIONY 1: Eeeeeeee! We�re gone! NARRATOR 2: Black out again. NARRATOR 1: Hooray for black outs. (Gasp) City. Dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun. NARRATOR 2: Look at all that smoke outside. NARRATOR 1: Oh my God. Just because they realize� some� kind of new drug in town doesn�t mean everyone has to do it! Oh my God! Look at that glass. It�s so purty. NARRATOR 2: It�s green! NARRATOR 1: GREEN! VOLDEMORT 1: I�m just going to stand here. VOLDEMORT SR. 2: I love my city son. Did I ever tell you that? VOLDEMORT 1: No. VOLDEMORT SR. 2: Well, too bad I�m telling you now. VOLDEMORT 1: No. VOLDEMORT 2: (Cries) Why don�t you listen to me? VOLDEMORT SR. 1: Because I hate you! VOLDEMORT 1: I�m leaving. VOLDEMORT SR. 2: Well, you weren�t any comfort to me anyway. VOLDEMORT SR. 1: I�m going to cry now. (Voldemort Sr. 1 and 2 cry.) VOLDEMORT SR. 2: What am I crying about? VOLDEMORT SR. 1: I have no idea. NARRATOR 1: (Sings) Light. NARRATOR 2: (Sings) Light. NARRATOR 1: (Sings) Oh my God. Where are we? Who�s here? Why are they even showing this shot? Oh my God. It�s trash man! (Sound Effects 2 makes slurping noises.) HAGRID 1: Mmmm� tasty. HAGRID 2: I want more. Doo dee doo dee dooooo. HAGRID 1: Must go find moooooooooooore! SOUND EFFECTS 2: High heel. High heel. High heel. SOUND EFFECTS 1: Walk, walk, walk. HAGRID 2: Oooooo, I�m going to eat that guy. He looks yummeh. HAGRID 1: He looks like tasty chicken! HAGRID 2: Cheese burger! NARRATOR 1: (Sings) Water! NARRATOR 2: (Sings) Water. NARRATOR 1: Look at you. HAGRID 2: Why don�t you wake up? If you don�t wake up right now I�ll throw this bucket at you. HERMIONY 1: Why am I standing here? NARRATOR 1: (Sings) Wind! HERMIONY 2: I�m burning the skin off my eyeballs. HERMIONY 1: My eyes! NARRATOR 2: Her eyes turn different colors! They�re blue now! HERMIONY 1: (Sings) Oh my God! NARRATOR 2: Now they�re green. HERMIONY 1: Let me star directly into THE SUN. HERMIONY 2: I like to burn the skin off my eyeballs, Mr. Trashcan. HERMIONY 1: But I have to get to Hogwarts. HAGRID 2: Wake up you stupid! HARRY POTHEAD 1: Ugh� HAGRID 2: Yay! He woke up. I�m so happy I�m going to fart off my head. HARRY POTHEAD 1: Uh� HAGRID 2: Hello. HAGRID 1: Hi! HAGRID 2: Do you like cheese? SOUND EFFECTS 1: Flutter, flutter. NARRATOR 1: Trash! Wow. POLICE 2: Welp, the building burned down. We know that. POLICE 1: But how!? That�s what we�re here to find out. POLICE 2: Well, too bad! We don�t know how and we�re not going to find out. POLICE 1: EVER! POLICE 2: Cuz we spend all our money on drugs. VOLDEMORT 1: That�s the problem with this town. VOLDEMORT 2: Am I the only one sober here? POLICE 2: What did you say!? VOLDEMORT 2: I mean� Am I the only drunk one? POLICE 1: That�s better! Not good enough! NARRATOR 1: Well, we�ll go over here for now. UNCLE VERNON 2: Hey, Jim Carry. What are you doing over here? I though you said you were going to leave us. JIM CARRY 1: I was, but now I don�t feel like it because� NARRATOR 1: Hey who�s that guy? VOLDEMORT 2: I�m going to stare at everything. VOLDEMORT 1: Oh my God! Oh God! VOLDEMORT 2: Oh my God! VOLDEMORT 1: Oh my God! POLICE 1: Look at that. VOLDEMORT 1: I�m jumping like a monkey. VOLDEMORT 2: Where does this go? Does it go away? POLICE 1: Yes. POLICE 2: Yup, sure does. POLICE 1: Oh yeah! POLICE 2: It goes far away. POLICE 1: Yeah, I�m just going to blabber now. POLICE 2: I�m just going to walk away from you now cuz you don�t know where it goes. POLICE 1: Hahaha! UNCLE VERNON 1: Ha, look at my hand. UNCLE VERNON 2: It�s all� burned. UNCLE VERNON 1: Bandanged. UNCLE VERNON 2: You like my hands? Yeah. I like them. JIM CARRY 1: They taste like chicken. NARRATOR 1: Black out. NARRATOR 2: Again. NARRATOR 1: (Sings) Water. (Talks) More water. NARRATOR 2: Blue stuff. It�s all gloweh. HERMIONY 1: Where are we? HERMIONY 2: Hello? Why don�t you talk to me? HARRY POTHEAD 1: Um� I think� HERMIONY 2: Cheesecake. HARRY POTHEAD 1: Yes, exactly. That�s exactly what I was thinking. Cheesecake. Cheesecake. Cuz� like� HARRY POTHEAD 2: Say cheesecake. HERMIONY 1, 2: Cheesecake. HARRY POTHEAD 1: That�s right. HARRY POTHEAD 2: You like cheesecake. HARRY POTHEAD 1: Don�t you? HARRY POTHEAD 2: I like cheesecake. Huh? HARRY POTHEAD 1: Ohh� HERMIONY 1: What? HERMIONY 2: Cheesecake. We have to get to Hogwarts. HARRY POTHEAD 2: Oh yeah, cheesecake. Now about Hogwarts. HERMIONY 1: We have to get to Hogwarts. HARRY POTHEAD 2: That�s right! HERMONY 1: But� uh� um� yeah. HARRY POTHEAD 2: Let�s go to Hogwarts. Stop talking to me. I don�t like you. HARRY POTHEAD 1: I have pants! Oh my God. Who the hell�s that? Trash man! HAGRID 1: I bring you this. HARRY POTHEAD 2: This is food. I don�t eat food. I eat marijuana. I eat my own head you know. HERMIONY 1: But� HARRY POTHEAD 2: My head�s yummy. HARRY POTHEAD 1: I eat it! HARRY POTHEAD 2: (Hermiony eats some food.) Don�t eat that! It�s not a drug. HERMIONY 1: Yes, it is. HARRY POTHEAD 2: No, it�s not! HERMIONY 1: Yes, it is! It was a brownie. It was tasty! HARRY POTHEAD 2: Heroin eh? NARRATOR 1: (Sings) Staarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrraaaaaaaaahhhhhhh! NARRATOR 2: Doo dee dooooooooooooooo! NARRATOR 1: Dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun. The sky! NARRATOR 2: Laaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. The sky. VOLDEMORT SR. 1: I want that sky� deleted. SCIENTIST 2: Sure, sir, but the sky is not on the computer. VOLDEMORT SR. 1: Too bad! VOLDEMORT SR. 2: Everything else is on the computer. Why not the sky? SCIENTIST 1: Um� because� SCIENTIST 2: Nobody knows why the sky is blue. SCIENTIST 1: Yeah. VOLDEMORT SR. 1: (Going through a blue elevator.) Well, then how the hell do you explain this blue color? SCIENTIST 2: The uh� the sky? VOLDEMORT SR. 1: The sky isn�t blue! See? It�s gray! SCIENTIST 2: Aww� Well, that�s all the drug people�s fault! VOLDEMORT SR. 1: It was your idea! SCIENTIST 2: Are you saying you�re sober? VOLDEMORT SR. 1: No! Why it warnur? SCIENTIST 2: Look at this thing. I�m going to shoot myself with it. VOLDEMORT SR. 1: What? NARRATOR 2: Turn in circles. NARRATOR 1: (Yawns) Waaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnnuuuuuuurrrrrrwah. NARRATOR 2: Mah! NARRATOR 1: Nah! NARRATOR 2: Nuuuuuuwa! NARRATOR 1: Oh my God! It�s going to do something! Dun dun dun dun dun dun. NARRATOR 2: Dun dun duuuuuuuuuuuuun. SCIENTIST 2: Hello? SCIENTIST 1: Was that it? Was that all it did? VOLDEMORT SR. 2: Yup. SCIENTIST 1: Oh my God. I hate you. VOLDEMORT SR. 2: Now put on your sunglasses so you look cool. Kay? SCIENTIST 1: No. VOLDEMORT SR. 2: Then, it will all be better. SCIENTIST 1: But� I have a big head. VOLDEMORT SR. 1: (Scientist 1 and Voldemort Sr. 1 put on sunglasses.) Oh yeah! SCIENTIST 2: Yeah, we�re cool. VOLDEMORT SR. 1: Look at us. Wait, why do we have to put on these sunglasses again? SCIENTIST 2: Cuz it makes us look cool. VOLDEMORT SR. 1: No, it doesn�t. SCIENTIST 2: I thought they made me look cool! VOLDEMORT SR. 1: Well, that just too bad! SCIENTIST 2: Look at -- the sky is green now! NARRATOR 1: It�s the artificially created sun! That brings light and death to the world! NARRATOR 2: It brings nuclear bombs to spread all over the world! NARRATOR 1: To bring lovely nuclear fusion. VOLDEMORT SR. 1: Oh my God. SOUND EFFECTS 1: Boom! NARRATOR 1: What the hell is that? SCIENTIST 2: Why did we shoot the sun? The sun sucked it in. It wasn�t our fault. NARRATOR 1: Oh my God! (Yawn) NARRATOR 2: Why? NARRATOR 1: The sun�s doing something after 35 years! NARRATOR 2: Oh wow! SOUND EFFECTS 1: Buzt, buzt, buzt, buzt. Twitch, twitch, twitch, twitch, twitch. ROBOT 1: Oh � my � God. Ah � ooo. ROBOT 2: Aaaaaaaah. You killed the sun! ROBOT 1: I hate you! SOUND EFFECTS 1: Crash! CROWD 2: Ah! Crazy luggage guy! CROWD 1: Oh my God! Ah! SOUND EFFECTS 1: Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. ROBOT 1: He killed you all! You all! He killed you all! (Narrator 1 and 2 babble quietly.) NARRATOR 2: I don�t know. NARRATOR 1: Aaaaaaaah! The hobos! They�re running! SOUND EFFECTS 2: Boom, boom, bang. ROBOT 1: Eeeeeeeeeeeeeee! SOUND EFFECTS 1: Smoking. NARRATOR 1: What the hell? Aaaah! The clown! POLICE 2: Kill the clown! Kill it! CLOWN: But I�m not a robot! POLICE 2: Yay! The clown died! And we�re putting more stuff into the ozone layer. POLICE 1: Let�s have a party now that the clown died! NARRATOR 2: Bar Mistfa! Yay! Bar Mistfa! NARRATOR 1: (Start before second �Bar Mistfa!�) Bar Mistfa! Bar Mistfa. Yay. NARRATOR 2: Yay! NARRATOR 1: Woot! NARRATOR 2: Random song. Wow, that clown had a lot of balloons. NARRATOR 1: Wow! One for everyone that is dead. SCIENTIST 2: Wow, we killed a lot of people. SCIENTIST 1: Oh yeah! SCIENTIST 2: And it was all very pointless. And we shot the sun. And it has nothing to do with this movie. VOLDEMORT SR. 1: Well, apparently it does now. SCIENTIST 2: Maybe there�s some kind of new drug on it. SCIENTIST 1: Oooo! NARRATOR 2: Oooo I love drugs! NARRATOR 1: Oh yeah! Oooo that was tasty! It�s� the CAPITAL! NARRATOR 2: It�s the African tipi! NARRATOR 1: Oh my God! POLICE 1: Then, where�s the drug lord? BLUE GUY 2: He�s on break. POLICE 1: Oh! BLUE GUY 2: Even drug lord�s need a break. POLICE 1: No, they don�t. I�m petting my arm. Do you see that? BALD MAN 2: Yeah, I find it very disturbing. You disturb me. BALD MAN 1: I�m going to sniff your fumes! Eeheeheeheehee! Look at me. I�m insane! POLICE 1: (Grins) Well, that was just great. BLUE GUY 2: I like to chew on my cigar! BLUE GUY 1: Cigarette! BLUE GUY 2: We�re just a bunch of fat people aren�t we? BALD MAN 1: Oh yeah! BLUE GUY 2: Aren�t we? I�m fat aren�t I? BALD MAN 1: Yes, you are. (Blue guy cries.) BALD MAN 1: Haha! Shafted! BLUE GUY 2: I�m such a fat guy! I don�t� BALD MAN 1: Hahahaha! BLUE GUY 2: And I�m wearing purple! BALD MAN 1: Oh yeah, purple! BLUE GUY 2: But that makes me a pimp so being fat�s okay. BLUE GUY 1: I�m a pimp! NARRATOR 2: Legs. Leg. NARRATOR 1: Leg! Leg! NARRATOR 2: Leg! NARRATOR 1: Birds! NARRATOR 2: Leg! SOUND EFFECTS 1: High heel, high heel, high heel� high heel. (Narrator 1 and 2 make untypeable noises.) VOLDEMORT 1: Hey look. This is where that one thing happened. VOLDEMORT 2: Yeah, I guess. VOLDEMORT 1: And then that other thing happened. VOLDEMORT 2: And then the hobo said with a� cello in his head. POLICE 1: Oh my God. We all spoke too much. Well, wasn�t that interesting? POLICE 2: Hahaha! You can�t enter because the enter sign�s in the way. POLICE 1: I laugh at you. NARRATOR 1: Wow. It�s an escalader! NARRATOR 2: Escaladurrrrrrrrrrrrrr! JIM CARRY 2: Escalader land. JIM CARRY 1: Wow, I�m Jim Carry. JIM CARRY 2: I�m not going to eat anything. Kay? I�m just going to� yeah� UNCLE VERNON 1: I just shove food in my mouth. UNCLE VERNON 2: Randomly. This food is good. UNCLE VERNON 1: Hmm� Oh yeah. That tasted� JIM CARRY 2: (Phone starts ringing.) Do you know where you�re getting that from? You got it off the stand. You didn�t even pay for it yet. Stupid fat guy. (Walks away.) UNCLE VERNON 1: Well� uh� MR. T 1: And answer your damn phone! UNCLE VERNON 2: AAAAAAH! Sorry. (Phone stops ringing.) NARRATOR 1: Zone two million. NARRATOR 2: Phones should die. NARRATOR 1: In zone two million. NARRATOR 2: And two. NARRATOR 1: Plus three. NARRATOR 2: And a half. NARRATOR 1: Point six. NARRATOR 2: Point zero, zero, zero one. NARRATOR 1: Point� nothing! Oh! NARRATOR 2: I got burned. HAGRID 1: Look at us. Look at the trash mans. HAGRID 2: Ha! I farted in your face! HAGRID 1: Yur face! HAGRID 2: Yur face! NARRATOR 1: Zone� NINE! NARRATOR 2: And ten! NARRATOR 1: Point six. HARRY POTHEAD 1: Oh my God. Where are we? Why am I wearing something different and who the hell are you? HARRY POTHEAD 2: Where did I get these pants? HARRY POTHEAD 1: These pants are ugly! HARRY POTHEAD 2: My God! Doesn�t this writer know any style? HARRY POTHEAD 1: God! SOUND EFFECTS 1: Walk, walk, walk, walk. SOUND EFFECTS 2: High heel. (Narrator 2 says something unintelligible.) NARRATOR 1: La la la la la. CROWD 1: Look at us! We�re running around! CROWD 2: In a circle! CROWD 1: Oh yeah! CROWD 2: Ha ha! This is so fun! VOLDEMORT 1: Wow, I�m standing on a ledge. TEETH MAN 2: Look at those two idiots running around in a circle. VOLDEMORT 1: Oh yeah. They suck. TEETH MAN 2: Hey, there�s a trash man with two dudes. Wow, that�s trash can�s fat! VOLDEMORT 1: Wow. VOLDEMORT 2: He needs to lose some weight. TEETH MAN 1: No! VOLDEMORT 2: He needs to lose some weight. TEETH MAN 1: I need to brush my teeth. HARRY POTHEAD 1: Hey! SOUND EFFECTS 1: Boom! HARRY POTHEAD 1: Hey, you weren�t supposed to do that bastard. TEETH MAN 2: You�re supposed to shoot him not her. VOLDEMORT 2: Shut up! Lose some weight! (Shoots teeth man.) VOLDEMORT 1: Brush you teeth! Get braces! HARRY POTHEAD 1: Oh my God! What did he do? HARRY POTHEAD 2: He killed him before he could fix any of his problems. HERMIONY 1: Oh my God. (Cries) HERMIONY 3: Oh my God. SOUND EFFECTS 1: Boom! SOUND EFFECTS 2: Boom. SOUND EFFECTS 1: Boom! SOUND EFFECTS 3: Bang! HARRY POTHEAD 1: Oh my God! He�s trying to kill us! NARRATOR 4: Okay, we got the truck we got the� HARRY POTHEAD 2: Nick, shut up! HARRY POTHEAD 3: We got the adapter. VOLDEMORT 1: Wow! VOLDEMORT 3: I�m a kootenight! White power. VOLDEMORT 1: Shut up! NARRATOR 4 Hitler! VOLDEMORT 3: Hey! We�re going to have a birthday, Marshall. VOLDEMORT 1: Wow. HAGRID 3: He said happy birthday. HAGRID 2: I�m going to pick up this piece of trash! HAGRID 1: Oh my God! And I�m going to eat it! (Hagrid 1 and 2 making slurping noises.) Mmm� tasty! HAGRID 2: I like trash. HAGRID 3: I�ll show you everything inside of it! NARRATOR 2: Nick go away! NARRATOR 1: Shut up! VOLDEMORT 3: It�s got a radio! White power. NARRATOR 1: Too bad. VOLDEMORT 1: That was just rude. Damn it. VOLDEMORT 2: Stupid fat head. NARRATOR 1: Well, anyways. VOLDEMORT 2: I�ll kill you all! VOLDEMORT 1: Trash cans! VOLDEMORT 2: AAAAH! VOLDEMORT 1: I must get through here! VOLDEMORT 2: You stupid fat people! VOLDEMORT 1: Oh noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo! VOLDEMORT 2: The elevator�s going away. (Cries) VOLDEMORT 1: Now I don�t even want an elevator! NARRATOR 2: Black out! HAGRID 2: Doo dee doo dee doo! Dee doo dee doo dee doo! SOUND EFFECTS 2: Explode. SOUND EFFECTS 1: Boom! HAGRID 1: Why aren�t we moving? HAGRID 2: Cuz you suck. Lee leelelle. HAGRID 1: What�d you say to me, bitch! (Rips off Hagrid 2�s head.) I hate you! Ha ha ha! I win! I win! HAGRID 2: Ha! I took your head off! HAGRID 1: I�m going to (something) on you! HAGRID 2: Oh, you�re in there. HAGRID 1: Oh, you�re disgusting. HARRY POTHEAD 2: (Cries) I�m sorry. HAGRID 1: Why am I almost sober? HAGRID 2: Hello kitty. HERMIONY 1: Meow! Are we at Hogwarts yet? HARRY POTHEAD 2: Nope. HERMIONY 1: Why aren�t we there? HARRY POTHEAD 1: Oooooooowell� um� HARRY POTHEAD 2: Let�s go to Hogwarts! HERMIONY 1: Oh yeah! Hey Hogwarts buddy! HARRY POTHEAD 1: Well� uh� HARRY POTHEAD 2: Hey, Hogwarts bitch! Come with us! HARRY POTHEAD 1: Come on, Hagrid! HARRY POTHEAD 2: He can�t come. HERMIONY 1: Oh! He hate! HARRY POTHEAD 2: Oh! Hardagaga! I never thought you would hate that place. Well� HARRY POTHEAD 1: Uh� HARRY POTHEAD 2: Uh� yeah bye! HARRY POTHEAD 1, 2: ByeAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH! HARRY POTHEAD 2: He bit me! He bit me! HARRY POTHEAD 1: He bit me! Oh my God! HARRY POTHEAD 2: Aaaaaaah! (Daft Punk: Aerodynamic starts.) NARRATOR 1: Ruuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuun! NARRATOR 2: Dramatic effect! NARRATOR 1: NeeeeeeeeeeeeeeerdeeeeeboomooohmyGawww! SOUND EFFECTS 1: A boom, boom, boom. Boom, boom. HAGRID 1: I am trash can man! I will eat you! HARRY POTHEAD 1: Nooooooooooooooooooo! HARRY POTHEAD 2: (Same time as Harry Pothead 1.) Hagrid! HARRY POTHEAD 1: I hate you, Voldemort! HARRY POTHEAD 2: Why Voldemort? Why? ESCALATOR MAN: Too bad. This escalator is old. VOLDEMORT 1: But I want on it! HARRY POTHEAD 2: Shut up. We�re going to Hogwarts. (Uncle Vernon 1 and 2 make eating noises. Uncle Vernon 2 howls.) UNCLE VERNON 1: Oh my God! I�m addicted to food! Aaaaaaaaaahwaaooooooo! VOLDEMORT 1: I�m sorry to have to (something) you all. UNCLE VERNON 1: Run! Aaaaaah! MR. T 2: Are you going to pay me yet? UNCLE VERNON 1: No, Mr. T. NARRATOR 1: Run. Run. NARRATOR 2: And jump. And jump. NARRATOR 1: And run. And run. NARRATOR 2: And jump. NARRATOR 1, 2: And run, and jump. And run, and jump. NARRATOR 2: Run, run, run, run, run, jump. NARRATOR 1: Jump! NARRATOR 2: Run, run, run, run, run, jump. NARRATOR 1: Leap like a gazelle! NARRATOR 2: Look at the TV! NARRATOR 1: Oh my God. NARRATOR 2: I like TV. NARRATOR 1: I love this show. SOUND EFFECTS 1: Walk. HERMIONY 1: You notice that we haven�t made a paragraph in over five minutes? HARRY POTHEAD 2: We can�t stop now. It�s just on the horizon! Where ever the horizon is. HERMIONY 1: What�s a horizon? HARRY POTHEAD 2: It�s in front of you, you know. HERMIONY 1: Really? SOUND EFFECTS 2: Fart. NARRATOR 2: Explosive farts. NARRATOR 1: Explosive diarria! HARRY POTHEAD 2: Yay. We got a cool bike now. HERMIONY 1: Yay! HARRY POTHEAD 2: I stole it off a guy and killed him. HERMIONY 1: Oh my God! We need to go fasterrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr! HARRY POTHEAD 2: Yay! Run away. HERMIONY 1: Run away! We�re running through the water. SOUND EFFECTS 2: Zoom. Fart. SOUND EFFECTS 1: Back. Kkkkkkkk! HERMIONY 2: We have to get to Hogwarts, Harry! HERMIONY 1: (Starts before �get.�) get to Hogwarts, Harry! NARRATOR 4: Nanana! HERMIONY 1: Run faster! HERMIONY 2: Faster! Faster! HERMIONY 1: Faster! Oh my God! HERMIONY 2: Why are you putting on the brake? Go faster! HERMIONY 1: We have to get to Hogwarts! My God! Eeeeeeeeeee! We�re going to die! SOUND EFFECTS 1: Boom. HARRY POTHEAD 2: Haha. We missed him. HERMIONY 1: Naaaaaaa! We�re going down the stairs. VOLDEMORT 1: Why the hell do I care? VOLDEMORT 2: We can�t let them get to Hogwarts! SOUND EFFECTS 1: Boom! HARRY POTHEAD 2: Run away! HERMIONY 1: Run away! (Gasp) What was that? Oh my God. We�re hitting stuff. Oh my God. We�re going to hit trash. HARRY POTHEAD 2: Aaah. Trash. HERMIONY 1: Eeeeeeeeeeeee! HARRY POTHEAD 2: Trash is dirty! HERMIONY 1: Oh my God! Ow! HARRY POTHEAD 2: You�re a dirty little girl. HERMIONY 1: Oh my God! HARRY POTHEAD 2: You dirty person! HERMIONY 1: I hate you! HARRY POTHEAD 2: You�re covered in filth! POLICE 2: You suck! We can�t find them. VOLDEMORT 1: What? VOLDEMORT 2: Just keep looking. VOLDEMORT 1: Or I�ll shoot you all! All of you! (Daft Punk: Aerodynamic ends.) HARRY POTHEAD 2: Well, good thing we landed in this big ball of trash you know cuz trash is good. HERMIONY 1: No, it�s DIRTY! HERMIONY 2: And it stinks! HERMIONY 1: And it�s covered in germs! My Godnakjdks! POLICE 1: I hear a noise. (Harry Pothead 1 and 2 make horrible breathing noises.) HARRY POTHEAD 2: Nuuuuuuuur! The cigarettes ruined my lungs! (Harry Pothead 2 continues horrible breathing noisese.) HERMIONY 1: What the hell is this? (Static-X: I�m with Stupid starts.) I�m going to shake it. HARRY POTHEAD 2: Ah! It changed colors! HERMIONY 1: Oh my God! POLICE 1: What�s that I hear? POLICE 2: Hello? POLICE 1: Ello? POLICE 2: Hello? POLICE 1: Brenda? POLICE 2: Where are you, Brenda? (Static-X: I�m with Stupid fades out.) NARRATOR 1: I�m Rick James, bitch. BALD MAN 1: I have pants. BALD MAN 2: Paunts. BALD MAN 1: Paunts. SEXY PIGTAIL MAN 1: Oh my God. Who am I? BALD MAN 2: Sexy Pigtail Man? What are you doing here? SEXY PIGTAIL MAN 2: I found these two cuz they suck. SEXY PIGTAIL MAN 1: And my pigtails� they sexy. SEXY PIGTAIL MAN 2: Yeah. SEXY PIGTAIL MAN 1: Oh yeah, bitch. BALD MAN 2: Better say my pigtail are sexy. His pigtails, not mine cuz I�m bald. HERMIONY 1: Let�s walk up the stairs. HARRY POTHEAD 2: Oh! HARRY POTHEAD 1: Oh my God! I tripped. HERMIONY 1: Jeeze, you can�t even walk up stairs right. What�s wrong with you? BALD MAN 1: Stop bickering! NARRATOR 1: Black out. HARRY POTHEAD 1: Oh my God! Where are we? HARRY POTHEAD 2: We�re like a bickering couple. See? Yeah, yeah. Claw you. Claw you all! HARRY POTHEAD 1: Cuz I hate you! BALD MAN 2: What are you talking about you stupid little punk? (Harry Pothead 1 makes untypeable sounds.) HARRY POTHEAD 2: I�m not a punk. HARRY POTHEAD 1: I�m a� um� HARRY POTHEAD 2: I�m a goth. GOTH 1: No, you�re not! GOTH 2: I�m the goth! SEXY PIGTAIL MAN 1: I�m the sexy pigtail man because my pigtails, they sexy. (Bald Man nods his head.) Don�t you agree that my pigtails are sexy? HARRY POTHEAD 2: Ni! SEXY PIGTAIL MAN 1: Oh yeah. They sexy. Don�t you agree that� um� my pigtails, they sexy? TEETH MAN 2: Sure they are. CAT: Mrrrrrrrrowwwww. Mrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrooooooooooow! Mrrrrrrrrrowwwwwwwwwww! Meow! Meow! MEOW! SEXY PIGTAIL MAN 1: (Makes slurping noises. Stands up. Starts talking halfway through Cat�s line.) Would someone shut that cat up? SEXY PIGTAIL MAN 2: God! That cat�s so loud! (Daft Punk: Superheros starts.) NARRATOR 1: Back at the ranch. NARRATOR 2: Joe and George ate all the turkey! SOUND EFFECTS 1: Flap, flap, flap. NARRATOR 1: Aaaaaaaah! NARRATOR 2: (Sings) Halleluiah. Halleluiah. Halleluiah. NARRATOR 1: (Sings after second �Halleluiah.�) Halleluiah. We hate you! We hate you very much! NARRATOR 2: Myeah. NARRATOR 1: (Sings) Look it�s the sun. NARRATOR 2: You�re burning your eyeballs off again. HERMIONY 1: I have a very faint glow. My hair is going to freak out. Again! HERMIONY 2: It�s a bird! It�s going to poop on my sholder! HERMIONY 1: Oh my God! I have wings! HERMIONY 2: I�m burning the skin off my eyeballs. HERMIONY 1: Oh yeah cuz I�m pretty. (Daft Punk: Superheros stops.) HERMIONY 2: Aww. My friend ran away. HERMIONY 1: Aww. He hate me. HERMIONY 2: It�s not fair. HERMIONY 1: Aww. I�m going to be sad now. SOUND EFFECTS 1: Flap, flap, flap. HARRY POTHEAD 1: Wait, where the hell are we? HARRY POTHEAD 2: I wonder why she�s standing out there staring at the sun. She did that when I first met her too. HARRY POTHEAD 1: I almost died then. What do you think? SEXY PIGTAIL MAN 1: I think you suck. SEXY PIGTAIL MAN 2: And my pigtails are sexy. SEXY PIGTAIL MAN 1: Oh yeah cuz� yeah. SEXY PIGTAIL MAN 2: And I�m cooler than you. SEXY PIGTAIL MAN 1: Cuz I�m sober. SEXY PIGTAIL MAN 2: But I have pigtails. SEXY PIGTAIL MAN 1: Cuz they�re sexy. NARRATOR 2: Going up the drain pipe. NARRATOR 1: Weeeeeeeee! NARRATOR 2: Weeeheeeeee! NARRATOR 1: Oh yeah we� NARRATOR 2: Going far away. NARRATOR 1: Far, far away. NARRATOR 2: Into the sun! NARRATOR 1: Oh my God! It�s all blue now. (Eiffel 65: Johnny Grey starts.) NARRATOR 2: Now it turns green. HERMIONY 1: I�m going to be sad now. (Hermiony 2 cries.) My bird friend ran away. (Gasp) Oh my God. I�m going to color! HERMIONY 2: Yeah. HARRY POTHEAD 1: (Gasp) What the hell are you doing? HERMIONY 2: I�ve never seen writing like this before. HARRY POTHEAD 1: Yeah. HARRY POTHEAD 2: It�s called English. It�s the language we speak you know. HERMIONY 1: No, it isn�t. HARRY POTHEAD 2: Oh� well� HERMIONY 2: Do you like hair? HERMIONY 1: See? HERMIONY 2: I�m pretty now aren�t I? HARRY POTHEAD 1: Oh. HARRY POTHEAD 2: Yeah, of course you are� HERMIONY 1: Yeah well. I want pants. HARRY POTHEAD 2: Uh� yeah� you�re not wearing pants. HERMIONY 1: Woops. HARRY POTHEAD 1: (Hermiony 2 says something unintelligible.) Uuuuuuuhhhhhhhhh yeah. HARRY POTHEAD 2: Pants is good. Paunts is better though cuz paunts sounds better you know. HERMIONY 1: Paunts. HERMIONY 2: Pants. HERMIONY 1: Puants, paunts. HERMIONY 2: (Says after second �paunts.�) Paunts, paunts. HARRY POTHEAD 1: P-a-u-n-t-s! (Harry Pothead 1 and then 2 says something unintelligible. Phone starts ringing.) HERMIONY 2: I lost two thousand pounds on the slim fast diet! HARRY POTHEAD 1: Wow! NARRATOR 1: Mwow! SEXY PIGTAIL MAN 1: I think someone answered the phone. NARRATOR 2: I think they�re sexy. SEXY PIGTAIL MAN 1: Oh my God. Hey I think you gets man. It�s a light squeaky. NARRATOR 2: And there�s a guy smoking. NARRATOR 1: Oh my God. SEXY PIGTAIL MAN 1: Doo dee doo dee doo dee doo dee doo dee doo dee doo. My hands are sexy. BALD MAN 1: Hahaha. I�m a piro. Look at me! I�m insane! Hahaha! BALD MAN 2: Hahaha! I like to smoke! Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeah! Oh my God! BALD MNA 1: I�m my God! I�m smiling a bitch! NARRATOR 1: Doo dee doo dee doo. GREEN LIGHTS! NARRATOR 2: Green lights! NARRATOR 1: Like potatoes. NARRATOR 3: What? NARRATOR 4: Nicholaseh! NARRATOR 3: � you need someone to talk� to? (Narrator 1 and 2 mumble.) UNCLE VERNON 1: What? JIM CARRY 2: There�s a gang beat! UNCLE VERNON 1: Oh my God! They�re talking about� something! (Jim Carry says something.) Oh my God. He twitching. UNCLE VERNON 2: Don�t touch him. He�s twitching! JIM CARRY 1: He�s twitching! JIM CARRY 2: Aww. He exploded. UNCLE VERNON 1: Aww� UNCLE VERNON 2: What�s that thing you�re taking out of your head? JIM CARRY 2: Oh nothing. I�m healing! ROBOT 1: Nuflkjdfnurnur flkja! JIM CARRY 1: I�m absorbing your memories like mashed potatoes. JIM CARRY 2: Yeah, you�re memories are squishy! JIM CARRY 1: With butter! JIM CARRY 2: And fluffy! JIM CARRY 1: And tasty! JIM CARRY 2: I like to eat your memories. (Robot 1 and 2 make untypeable noises.) JIM CARRY 1: I�m JIM CARRY! JIM CARRY 2: I�m crazier than I remembered. In my movies you know. UNCLE VERNON 1: (GASP) Oh my God! UNCLE VERNON 2: Oh wow! JIM CARRY 1: My eyes. NARRATOR 2: Black out. NARRATOR 1: Look it�s another day in� NARRATOR 2: Metropolis! NARRATOR 1: The city where every drug you can think of is (something)! NARRATOR 2: Hello! NARRATOR 1: Duck! NARRATOR 2: Duck! NARRATOR 1: Freedom! NARRATOR 2: For up! JIM CARRY 1: RUN! JIM CARRY 2: Running up the stairs. UNCLE VERNON 1: Oh my God! (Makes horrible breathing noises.) Uff! UNCLE VERNON 2: Oh! (Uncle Vernon 1 makes horrible breathing noises.) Didn�t you know fat guys can�t run? UNCLE VERNON 1: Especially when they smoke and do other kinds of shit? UNCLE VERNON 2: Myeah. I do lots of that kind of shit you know. NARRATOR 1: Animator! JIM CARRY 1: RUN! UNCLE VERNON 2: (Uncle Vernon 1 makes horrible breathing noises.) Aaaaaaaaaaah! UNCLE VERNON 1: Oh my God! I�m going to shoes all wet! CROWD 2: We�re riding� the escalator. CROWD 1: (Sings) Escalator land! CROWD 2: We want drugs! CROWD 1: Drugs! Drugs! We want drugs! Drugs! UNCLE VERNON 2: Jeeze, I can�t even run. I�m tripping all over the place. UNCLE VERNON 1: Holy crap! UNCLE VERNON 2: And who runs like this? SEXY PIGTAIL MAN 1: I know! I�m a little girl. UNCLE VERNON 1: Trash man! ROBOT 2: Aaaaaaaaaaah! ROBOT 1: Oh my God! I am vacuum! ROBOT 2: And I�m vomiting pink. UNCLE VERNON 2: Jim Carry, no! UNCLE VERNON 1: Don�t go. UNCLE VERNON 2: There�s something I have to tell you. I love you� (Points toward Sexy Pigtail Man.) that guy over there. I love that guy. JIM CARRY 1: That�s just gross. JIM CARRY 2: Yeah, I know. I love you. Did you know that? JIM CARRY 1: Cuz my eyes are red. And I�m Jim Carry. UNCLE VERNON 2: (Runs away.) Oh my God! You pervert! Get away from me! UNCLE VERNON 1, 2: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! UNCLE VERNON 1: Oh my God! CROWD 1 and 2: (Sings) Naaaaaaanananeeneenananeenee. Naaanaaanaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa! Lalala. SEXY PIGTAIL MAN 2: Lalalalala. SEXY PIGTAIL MAN 1: Lalalalala. Lalala. Lalalalalalala. JIM CARRY 1: Laaaaaaaaaaaaaaaeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! Wow. JIM CARRY 2: So what are you singing about exactly? SEXY PIGTAIL MAN 1: My pigtails� they sexy. SEXY PIGTAIL MAN 2: They sexy and I think they sexy. SEXY PIGTAIL MAN 1: See my posse over there? They think my pigtails are sexy. Just like this gun. But my pigtails are sexier. JIM CARRY 1: What the hell? SEXY PIGTAIL MAN 1: See my eyes? JIM CARRY 2: My that gun is sexy. JIM CARRY 1: Let me look at it closer! SEXY PIGTAIL MAN 2: Haha! I win! NARRATOR 1: (GASP) Dramatic! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! NARRATOR 2: Dramatic effect! CROWD 1: AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH! Oh my God! He�s insane! He killed Jim Carry! CROWD 2: Noooooooooooooooooo! CROWD 1: Revolution! BLUE GUY 1: Lalalalala. Tea time! Hahahahahha! BLUE GUY 2: That movie star died. BALD GUY 2: I know isn�t that funny? BLUE GUY 1: (Bald Guy 2 and Blue Guy 1 laugh.) Oh my God! Well� um� POLICE 2: You laugh like a little girl. BLUE GUY 1: Eeheehee! Heeheehee! Heeheehee! (Blue Guy 1 and 2 laugh like little girls.) BLUE GUY 2: So what do you want? POLICE 1: I�m a goth. Oh yeah and I�m leaving the army cuz� I�m a goth. BALD GUY 1: Gasp. BALD GUY 2: Ah. You can�t leave the army. BLUE GUY 1: Especially since you BOUGHT it. BLUE GUY 2: It�s the red hats! Why are the red hats here? BLUE GUY 1: Oh my God! They�re going to kill me! POLICE 1: Cuz they hate you. That�s why. BALD GUY 1: (Gasp) Oh my God! BLUE GUY 2: You see that? BLUE GUY 1: Oh my God. BLUE GUY 2: Why was there a candle over his head? BLUE GUY 1, 2: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah. POLICE 1: Well, Mr. Drug Lord. You are going to die. BLUE GUY 2: But I�m not the drug lord. POLICE 2: Haha. I feel special now. POLICE 1: I have premonitions of war and CRAZY things! POLICE 2: Oh look. That guy was sniffing something. POLICE 1: Eeheeheehee! I�m pink! Wow! This is so cool! POLICE 2: Ooooooo spinney things! Wow I must be really high. NARRATOR 1: Wowal lakjdlkfjlskjdf! Look snow! NARRATOR 2: Snow! NARRATOR 1: Yay! Nurnurnrurnurnrurnur! Oh my God. NARRATOR 2: This is such an important scene! NARRATOR 1: I know! It�s like� HARRY POTHEAD 1: It�s his hat. HARRY POTHEAD 2: (Harry Pothead 1 and 2 cry.) Why Jim Carry? I liked your movies. HERMIONY 1: (Cries) He died! HERMIONY 2: (Cries) Why? HERMIONY 1: Why Jim Carry? Why did you diiiieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeenuuuuuuuuuur? Welp, I�m done morning. HARRY POTHEAD 2: Are you done staring at it now? HERMIONY 1: (Goes to a different scene.) No. Wait yeah. HARRY POTHEAD 2: Yeah, I guess I am since we kind of left. Look at the revolution sign! HERMIONY 1: Wow! HARRY POTHEAD 2: Let�s revolt! HERMIONY 1: Yay! (Harry Pothead and Hermiony stare into the sky.) NARRATOR 1: Dumbadumbadumbadumbadumb. SOUND EFFECTS 2: Meow! Meow! NARRATOR 1: Burning recage! HARRY POTHEAD 1: Wow, all this stuff falling from the sky makes me think its� HARRY POTHEAD 2: Cocaine! HARRY POTHEAD 1: Oh! Yay! UNCLE VERNON 1: It�s raining cocaine! HARRY POTHEAD 2: Yeah! HARRY POTHEAD 1: Let�s all go make snow angles. UNCLE VERNON 2: And let�s make snow cones! HARRY POTHEAD 1: Yay! UNCLE VERNON 1: I�m sorry to tell you son but� the� the um� one dude he died. It was sad. UNCLE VERNON 2: Really sad. I cried. UNCLE VERNON 1: All my hair was lost. HARRY POTHEAD 1: Look it�s my friend. We�re going to go to Hogwarts and� my hair is made of� HARRY POTHEAD 1, 2: Marijuana. HERMIONY 2: Yes, I like it. SEXY PIGTAIL MAN 2: Err� Ugh! SEXY PIGTAIL MAN 1: Oh, I so overdosed man. SEXY PIGTAIL MAN 2: I just ate five kilos man! SEXY PIGTAIL MAN 1: I mean it�s like oh my God! SEXY PIGTAIL MAN 2: Awwwwwww! SEXY PIGTAIL MAN 1: I have HEART BURN! HEART BURN! Cuz of the five kilos! NARRATOR 1: He�s going to die. NARRATOR 2: He died. VOLDEMORT 2: No! VOLDEMORT 1: There�s per � five perfectly good kilos in his stomach! VOLDEMORT 2: Yeah! Why don�t you let hi � me rip out his insides and then roll a doobee using a straw? Huh? VOLDEMORT 1: Haha! UNCLE VERNON 1: No! He has sexy pigtails and� and! VOLDEMORT 1: Ha! SOUND EFFECTS 1: Boom! UNCLE VERNON 2: No! HARRY POTHEAD 1: DaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaI hate you! HARRY POTHEAD 2: Aaaaaaaaaaah! I�m going to eat you! (Bites Voldemort.) HARRY POTHEAD 1: Cuz you�re tasty! HARRY POTHEAD 2: Yeah! HARRY POTHEAD 1: Mmm� VOLDEMORT 1: I�m going to kill you. VOLDEMORT 2: How did you know my skin was made of cocaine? HARRY POTHEAD 1: Cuz I have hair made of� Oh my God! HARRY POTHEAD 2: Oh! Going to throw up! HARRY POTHEAD 1: As if being (something) wasn�t enough! VOLDEMORT 3: Well, sweet Christ! VOLDEMORT 1: I�m coming for you now! Cuz the sky is raining cocaine. See? I ate some when I put my glasses on. VOLDEMORT 2: Haha. You like that? VOLDEMORT 3: White power. VOLDEMORT 1: Oh yeah. I mean look at me. I�m so purty! VOLDEMORT 2: Purty! VOLDEMORT 1: Purty! VOLDEMORT 2: Sexy Pigtail Man said he was always sexier than me, but look at my sexy walk. Who couldn�t hate that? HERMIONY 1: You don�t have pigtails! VOLDEMORT 1: I mean come on! Give it up for me! Look at me I can dance! HERMIONY 1: (Looks at him in disbelief.) What the fuck? VOLDEMORT 2: (Voldemort 1 gasps.) Gasp! NARRATOR 1: Dramatic effect! VOLDEMORT SR. 1: We are the high police and you are about to be� um� reprimanded� I think. VOLDEMORT SR. 2: We are going to do something to you. VOLDEMORT SR. 1: Cuzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz� VOLDEMORT SR. 2: Well, son� uh� VOLDEMORT SR 1, 2, 3: Uh� uh� uh� uh� uh� uuuuuuuuuuuuuuh� VOLDEMORT SR. 2: Oh my God. VOLDEMORT SR. 1: Oh my God. Please don�t tell me you killed the guy with the sexy pigtails! VOLDEMORT SR. 2: Oh my God. VOLDEMORT SR. 1: Oh my God! VOLDEMORT SR. 2: Ah! What? What did you do? VOLDEMORT SR. 1: (Says after �What?�) What? I hate you! You tried to kill your sister. I hate you! You suck! Oh my God! Naaaaaalksjldkf laaaapuzzzzzzibizaaaaaaalala! VOLDEMORT SR. 2: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa. VOLDEMORT SR. 1: Arrrrrrrgaaaaaayzuuuuburrrrrrrrrrrrrr! HERMIONY 1: What the hell�s he talking about? VOLDEMORT 2: I didn�t kill her I was just� yeah� killing her� VOLDEMORT 1: I was trying to um� hit on her that�s what I was trying to do. VOLDEMORT 2: Yeah, you know I has nothing to do with hitting you know. HERMIONY 1: Oh my God! My brother�s in love with me! HERMIONY 2: Gasp. VOLDEMORT SR. 1: I hate you. You tried to� do something cuz� you�re� not� doing something! I�m walking away. (Walks towards Voldemort.) VOLDEMORT SR. 2: This is what happens when you�re lazy and you hit on your sister! VOLDEMORT SR. 1: Your arm band! VOLDEMORT SR. 2: Gets ripped off. VOLDEMORT SR. 1: Haha! VOLDEMORT SR. 2: I don�t want to see you again cuz you�re a pervert and� HERMIONY 1: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! UNCLE VERNON 3: Marsh! Marshall! UNCLE VERNON 1: Wow. UNCLE VERNON 2: I�m going to talk to you now. I�m on the verge of collapsing. UNCLE VERNON 1: But� cuz� ard the tharnay. UNCLE VERNON 2: Nuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuur! UNCLE VERNON 1: This phosphoric acid is some crazy shit. NARRATOR 4: Marsh! Espresso and cream! HERMIONY 1: What? That�s not a drug! VOLDEMORT SR. 1: Why the hell you talk like that? HERMIONY 1: Because I like drugs. NARRATOR 1: Radioooooooooowhoa! NARRATOR 2: Oh noes. NARRATOR 1: Oh my God! Oh my God! Black out! NARRATOR 4: Doobdoobdoobdoobdoobdoobdoob!!! NARRATOR 1: It�s still raining cocaine! SOUND EFFECTS 2: Meow! (Narrator 4 burps very loudly into the microphone.) NARRATOR 2: Did we get to Hogwarts, Harry? NARRATOR 4: Nope. NARRATOR 1: Never! NARRATOR 4: I�m sorry mate but nope. We didn�t! Maybe next time. UNCLE VERNON 1: I think we�re going to be late for the� um� one thing. UNCLE VERNON 2: The opening you know. UNCLE VERNON 1: Yeah. UNCLE VERNON 2: Can I go to Hogwarts? POLICE 1: No cuz you�re too old. UNCLE VERNON 2: Oh! But I wanted to learn magic. POLICE 1: Well, that�s just too freaking bad! UNCLE VERNON 1: I hate you! My hand�s burnt and now my arms shot and� (Burp) HERMIONY 1: Lalala. HERMIONY 2: I love English! MAID 1: Don�t write on the windows, Suzy! MAID 2: Moist towelette? MAID 1: Chicken? Don�t write on the windows, Suzy! HERMIONY 1: Who the hell is Suzy? NARRATOR 1: Pony! NARRATOR 2: Pony! It�s a magically pony! NARRATOR 1: Nuneenuneenu! It�s silent as Uncle Vernon cries for Jim Carry. UNCLE VERNON 2: Why Jim Carry? UNCLE VERNON 1: Why couldn�t you have been like (something)? UNCLE VERNON 2: Give me a scotch! UNCLE VERNON 1: With Jin! BAR TENDER 2: Um� yeah� BAR TENDER 1: We don�t sell alcohol here. NARRATOR 1: Yeah. PARTIER 2: Scotch with Jin! Yeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! BAR TENDER 2: Shut up. (Narrator 1 and then 2 groans.) NARRATOR 1: My stomach hurts. For real shiznit! NARRATOR 2: Suck! UNCLE VERNON 1: Why do I have two steaming glasses? UNCLE VERNON 2: Aaaaaaaaaaah! I�m running this way! UNCLE VERNON 1: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! Oh my God! UNCLE VERNON 2: Someone�s chasing me! UNCLE VERNON 1: Hoooooooooooly crap. NARRATOR 1: Oh my God. Oh my God! Oh my God! Eeeeeeeee! UNCLE VERNON 2: I wonder why I ran away. UNCLE VERNON 1: Um� because� UNCLE VERNON 2: Look it�s a dude! NARRATOR 1: Yay! NARRATOR 2: Things he do! NARRATOR 1: Oh my God! Lalalalala! MAID 2: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! MAID 1: What!? You�re a bad little girl. I hate you! MAID 2: I told you not to write on the wall and what do you do? You write all over all of them! MAID 1: That� MAID 2: You stupid white person! MAID 1: Cuz I hate you! You smell like cheese! MAID 2: And maggots! Maggots eating cheese you know. You have maggots on you? HERMIONY 1: Yes, now let me HAVE THAT! MAID 1: Lalalalala. I�m going to stand here now! MAID 2: Stare at you. NARRATOR 1: Oh my God! NARRATOR 2: Go around in circles. NARRATOR 1: Go around and around and around and nuoooooooooo. Look a train! NARRATOR 2: Naaaa! NARRATOR 1: Lalaooan. MAID 1: Oh my God! We�re going to go get (something) now (Points towards Voldemort.) cuz� that thing. MAID 2: There�s a guy that way. HERMIONY 1: Oh my God! He�s a pervert! HERMIONY 2: Yay! A guy! I want to see the guy! HERMIONY 1: Let�s go run towards him cuz he could be a bad guy. HERMIONY 2: Yeah. HERMIONY 1: Hablablka! HERMIONY 2: Bad guys are cool! MAID 1: Oh my God! Who is that? HERMIONY 2: You smell like cheese! MAID 1: And maggots. MAID 2: I love maggots. They�re all maggoty and slimy you know. MAID 1: With cheese. VOLDEMORT 2: Yeah, I know. They�re sexy. MAID 1: Oh, I didn�t know that. MAID 2: Look at me! I got money! VOLDEMORT 1: Keep the change! Hey. Wassup, bitch? HERMIONY 2: But my name�s Brenda. Brendaaaaaaaaaa. VOLDEMORT 1: Well, that�s just too bad, Brendaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa. VOLDEMORT 2: You�ll never to get Hogwarts. Never! And I�m going to walk in circles. VOLDEMORT 1: And you�re head�s going to follow me and it�s going to go like SNAP. VOLDEMORT 2: Naha! Damn your head didn�t snap. VOLDEMORT 1: Aw. Damn it. See? VOLDEMORT 2: Stupid, fat head. HERMIONY 1: But, but, but. VOLDEMORT 1: Shut up. VOLDEMORT 2: Shut up. HERMIONY 1: Oh. HERMIONY 2: Brenda. HERMIONY 1: But I�m Brendaaaaaaaaaaaaaa. VOLDEMORT 2: Daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa. I�m going to talk a lot about nothing now! VOLDEMORT 1: Wiggity, wiggity, wack, wack! HERMIONY 2: You�re stupid. SOUND EFFECTS 1: Stop. VOLDEMORT 1: What? VOLDEMORT 2: How dare you, bastard. VOLDEMORT 1: Oh my God! VOLDEMORT 2: (Voldemort 1 and 2 laugh like retards.) It�s funny! VOLDEMORT 1: Haha! Laugh damn it! VOLDEMORT 2: Laugh! Laugh! Hello, Brenda! (Retarded laughing continues.) NARRATOR 1: Driving. SOUND EFFECTS 2: Zoom. NARRATOR 1: Still raining COCAINE! NARRATOR 2: Yay! HERMIONY 1: I�m walking away now. VOLDEMORT 2: I�m pulling something out of my pocket. NARRATOR 2: Look it�s a dude! A dude with an umbrella! HERMIONY 1: Oh my God! HERMIONY 2: Aaaaaah! NARRATOR 1: (Gasp) Dun dun dun dun! NARRATOR 2: Meth inject. Meth! NARRATOR 1: (Sings) Aaaaaaaaaah! NARRATOR 2: She went all holy for one second. That�s what happens when you take meth you know. You become holy like Jesus Christ! NARRATOR 1: For one second. Oh my God! It�s a wall! NARRATOR 2: We�re going in the wall! NARRATOR 1: In the wall! NARRATOR 2: In the wall! There�s a dude� right there. NARRATOR 1: See? NARRATOR 2: And a woman. NARRATOR 1: It�s Brendaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa. NARRATOR 2: Brendaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa! NARRATOR 1: Oh my God! SOUND EFFECTS 1: Smack. SOUND EFFECTS 2: Gasp! VOLDEMORT 2: I got cool pictures! VOLDEMORT 1: Oh yeah! VOLDEMORT 2: Oh yeah! VOLDEMORT 1: (Sings) Laser! VOLDEMORT 2: And lasers! I like my lasers. VOLDEMORT 1: And they�re tasty. VOLDEMORT 2: I wonder why I have this scalpel if I have this laser? NARRATOR 1: (Sings) Nurrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrnurnurnur! VOLDEMORT 2: My laser is green! VOLDEMORT 1: And you know you look like a dork! (Voldemort 1 and 2 say �Nur!� a lot.) I�m a psycho! SOUND EFFECTS 1: Laser click! VOLDEMORT 1: Oh my God! VOLDEMORT 2: Hello? Yakee! VOLDEMORT 1: Dramatic! Dramatic! VOLDEMORT 2: Dramatic effect! VOLDEMORT 1: Eeeeeeeeee! UNCLE VERNON 1: Oh, that�s what you do to turn the lights on. UNCLE VERNON 2: I wonder why I ran into now? Oh look at that. Hello rock. UNCLE VERNON 1: Wait, you�re not a rock! UNCLE VERNON 2: Oh! It�s a human being! NARRATOR 1: Black out! Dunadunadunadunadunaduun! UNCLE VERNON 1: Oh my God! Oh my God! UNCLE VERNON 2: It�s a gun! A gun! UNCLE VERNON 1: Wait no! It�s a book! UNCLE VERNON 2: (Says at the same time as Uncle Vernon 1.) It�s a misshapen gun! No, it�s not a book. It�s a gun! SCIENTIST 1: It�s a freaking book! UNCLE VERNON 2: It�s a gun! UNCLE VERNON 1: I�m Buddha now. UNCLE VERNON 2: I�m playing with something electronic. You know Buddha�s do that. UNCLE VERNON 1: Oh yeah. Hey this is a photo� manual. I just realized that. Doo dee doo dee doo. Hahahahaha! UNCLE VERNON 2: Nur! I didn�t know guns had words on them! UNCLE VERNON 1: Hey! UNCLE VERNON 2: Stupid guns. Their pages don�t turn right. UNCLE VERNON 1: Welp, time for some acid. UNCLE VERNON 2: Let�s go on an acid trip, bitch. HERMIONY 1: Eeeeenurrrrr� UNCLE VERNON 2: Heh! She retarded! Too much drugs. UNCLE VERNON 1: Oh. I�m going to do this. UNCLE VERNON 2: And that. UNCLE VERNON 1: And then I�m going to take this and go like that. UNCLE VERNON 2: Mwhaha. UNCLE VERNON 1: Oh my God. Eye twitch! HERMIONY 1: Ugh! NARRATOR 1: It�s alive! NARRATOR 2: (Sings) Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaawwww! UNCLE VERNON 1: Oh my God! Toast! UNCLE VERNON 2: I like toast! I eat it for breakfast everyday! HERMIONY 1: Well, that�s just sick! UNCLE VERNON 2: I like toast though. Don�t make fun of my toast. I love it. HERMIONY 1: Oh, shut up! UNCLE VERNON 2: Oh, don�t you shut up me! No! We don�t do that! We do that in the litter box! HERMIONY 1: But� UNCLE VERNON 2: You see that? It�s cool. Nur. HERMIONY 2: Shut up, Nick. HERMIONY 1: (Whispers) Oh my God. UNCLE VERNON 1: (Whispers) See? It�s a telephone. UNCLE VERNON 3: Yayahalalaha. UNCLE VERNON 2: I�m going to pick it up. Cuz it�s cool. UNCLE VERNON 1: We�re going to make a telephone call to� um� UNCLE VERNON 2: It�s the world�s first telephone! There�s only one number: one. You want to try the one phone number? HERMIONY 1: Who�s that to? UNCLE VERNON 2: Your best friend. HERMIONY 1: Who�s that? UNCLE VERNON 2: Um� Your friend. HERMIONY 1: Ah. (Daft Punk: Around the World starts.) UNCLE VERNON 2: You know� the one guy with the marijuana hair. HERMIONY 1: Ow! HERMIONY 2: Hello Harry! You suck! HERMIONY 1: I have sparks flying off my hand! Oh my God. HERMIONY 2: I�m burning my retinas. HERMIONY 1: My retinas! HERMIONY 2: Acid trip! HERMIONY 1: Oh man! Wow! Freaking cool! Oh wow! Look at us! HERMIONY 2: Best acid trip EVER. HERMIONY 1: EVER! NARRATOR 1: Oh my God! Black out! HERMIONY 2: Woops! I stole all the power. Ha ha. NARRATOR 1: Wow! This is what your retinas do when you�re on acid! Burn! NARRATOR 2: They burn! NARRATOR 1: Explode! (Daft Punk: Around the World stops.) HERMIONY 1: (Gasp) Oh my God! UNCLE VERNON 2: Well? HERMIONY 1: I got the operator. What!? And� UNCLE VERNON 2: Oh don�t worry about that stupid guy. God! I hate him! NARRATOR 1: It�s still� snowing� cocaine. UNCLE VERNON 2: Yay, I love cocaine. HERMIONY 1: I don�t think we�ll need any of that for� awhile. Yeah� SOUND EFFECTS 1: Wipe. POLICE 2: God all this cocaine! All the drug people are just like �Oh cocaine! Yeeeah!� POLICE 1: Snort! Well, it�s a good thing we�re not druggies. POLICE 2: Yeah, yeah. But then we have a lot of arresting to do. POLICE 1: Like� right� THERE! POLICE 2: There! POLICE 1: Right there! POLICE 2: That� that there! POLICE 1: There! POLICE 2: It�s evil! POLICE 1: Oh my God! POLICE 2: There! POLICE 1: The squadron cars are on there way! HERMIONY 1: Oh my God! Oh my God! What� are� we doing? UNCLE VERNON 2: Get off my leg. HERMIONY 1: (Looks in a mirror.) Oh my God! I can see myself! UNCLE VERNON 2: Don�t look in my mirror! HERMIONY 1: But I can see myself! I mean. UNCLE VERNON 1: (Gasps.) Oh my� UNCLE VERNON 2: Oh wow, your retinas are okay! NARRATOR 1: Dun dun dun DUN! NARRATOR 2: A train! UNCLE VERNON 1: Welp, it�s time to go now. UNCLE VERNON 2: I love goat. Goats are cool. UNCLE VERNON 1: They taste like Buddha. NARRATOR 1: YAWWWWWWWWNNlnalnslkdjnurnurnUR! Hey it stopped snowing. UNCLE VERNON 2: NO! CROWD 2: Where�s our cocaine? POLICE 1: We arrested it all like we are going to arrest you! See? We just arrested you. UNCLE VERNON 2: Stupid police taking all our cocaine and drugs. We need that to live! NARRATOR 1: Um� VOLDEMORT SR. 2: No, you don�t! Suck! VOLDEMORT SR. 1: See? I store all of it in my nose! (Police 1 and 2 gasp.) UNCLE VERNON 2: The truth has been reveled! He is the true criminal! VOLDEMORT SR. 1: No, I�m not. UNCLE VERNON 2: Yes, you are! I know because I�m� special! UNCLE VERNON 1: And I have a mustache! UNCLE VERNON 2: And a hat! VOLDEMORT SR. 1: Uh oh! Oh my God! UNCLE VERNON 2: See? He�s starting to break! VOLDEMORT SR. 2: (Voldemort Sr. 1 and 2 cry.) Noooooooooooooooooooooo! VOLDEMORT SR. 1: All the cocaine in my nose with never suffice for yours! UNCLE VERNON 2: Too bad! We�re going to smoke some anyway! And sniff it. VOLDEMORT 1: (Laughs) I like my backpack! VOLDEMORT 2: Beer! VOLDEMORT 1: Look at my guns! It�s so pretty! VOLDEMORT 2: Point it at you. NARRATOR 1, 2: Black out! NARRATOR 1: Oh my God! I see something! Oh my God! It�s the throne of the drug lord! VOLDEMORT SR. 1, 2: (Sing) Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaawwwwwwwwww! Aaaaawwwwwww! VOLDEMORT SR. 1: Well, enough singing and now it�s time for you� HERMIONY 1: What? HERMIONY 2: I don�t know what to do. VOLDEMORT SR. 1: It�s time for you to claim your thrown on the seat of� VOLDEMORT SR. 2: �the drug lord. VOLDEMORT SR. 1: Yeah. VOLDEMORT SR. 2: But first we�re going to open up this! VOLDEMORT SR. 1: See? It�s your friend! VOLDEMORT SR. 2: Harry Pothead! VOLDEMORT SR. 1: Cuz his hair is marijuana. HERMIONY 2: Oh wow! I want to smoke some and roll a doobee! UNCLE VERNON 1: Oh my God! I just realized I love you! UNCLE VERNON 2: I love you! Wake up! UNCLE VERNON 1: Let me kiss you! HERMIONY 1: No, you�re gay! How could you? HERMIONY 2: He�s mine! UNCLE VERNON 1: (Grabs police.) What? What are you saying? POLICE 2: Your gay and your face and your mom! Oooo burn! HERMIONY 1: What? Get up! Get up! I have to eat your hair! Oh my God! UNCLE VERNON 2: No, I have to kiss him first! You�ll get your hair later! HERMIONY 1: No, you can�t kiss him! He�s only three! That�d be a petafile move! VOLDEMORT SR. 1: Oh my God! You�re gay AND your petafile! You pervert! HERMIONY 1: What am I supposed to do now!? VOLDEMORT SR. 2: Why sit on the thrown of course and watch some good TV. VOLDEMORT SR. 1: And it�s right over there! VOLDEMORT SR. 2: You only have to walk a few feet. HERMIONY 2: But I�m too lazy. HERMIONY 1: And that�s like� three miles away. And� and� um� um� Yeah! VOLDEMORT SR. 2: My you�re lazier than I thought! This is a miracle! You�ll make a great drug dealer! HERMIONY 1: Really? You think so? Cuz I didn�t think so. VOLDEMORT SR. 1: (Gasp) How dare you say that! Cuz� VOLDEMORT SR. 2: �I�m going to do a jig! Right for you! Yeyah! VOLDEMORT SR. 1: And� VOLDEMORT SR. 1, 2: Come this way. HERMIONY 1: Oh my God! We�ve walked a mile! Two miles! VOLDEMORT SR. 2: See? Now you only have two miles to go! HERMIONY 1: But� MAID 2: Moist towelette? VOLDEMORT SR. 1: No, cuz it�ll ruin the thing. Now sit on the thrown forever. VOLDEMORT SR. 2: And we�ll be your friends forever! VOLDEMORT SR. 1: And we will be your subjects� VOLDEMORT SR. 2: �forever. HERMIONY 1: No, you won�t. VOLDEMORT SR. 2: Aww� VOLDEMORT SR. 1: Damn it we thought we would but� yeah� VOLDEMORT SR. 2: We have other stuff to do you know. VOLDEMORT SR. 1: Oh my God! Like make acid and meth and� VOLDEMORT SR. 2: And I still have all that cocaine up my nose. We still have to eat that! UNCLE VERNON 2: You�re not eating anything! Nothing! UNCLE VERNON 1: EVER! VOLDEMORT SR. 2: Gasp. UNCLE VERNON 2: Because all that belongs to me cuz I�m the main character. The secret main character. UNCLE VERNON 1: Besides him and this� gun! (Throws �gun� at Voldemort Sr.�s feet.) UNCLE VERNON 2: The pages don�t turn right so your can have the gun. MAID 2: Moist towelette? MAID 1: You just� made me� DROP IT! I feel so ashamed! (Rips off face.) MAID 2: I feel so ashamed I�m going to rip off my face! SCIENTIST 1: (GASP) Oh my God! SCIENTIST 2: (Voldemort steps out of Maid�s outfit.) He�s gay! He�s wearing a dress! SCIENTIST 1: He�s a drag queen! A freaking drag queen! VOLDEMORT 2: (Points at Hermiony.) She�s the gay one� you know. VOLDEMORT 1: And I�m wearing my shirt backwards! See? (Harry Pothead falls down.) VOLDEMORT 2: And it�s a turtle neck. No one wears turtle necks! VOLDEMORT 1: Especially after labor day! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! NARRATOR 2: Dramatic effect! NARRATOR 1: Shooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo! (Daft Punk: Phoenix starts.) VOLDEMORT SR., UNCLE VERNON 1: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! NARRATOR 1: Oh my God! NARRATOR 2: Yay! The cocaine snow�s back! NARRATOR 1: Yay. That one guy must have had a nose bleed. HARRY POTHEAD 1: What? HARRY POTHEAD 2: Brenda? (Harry Pothead 1 gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaasps.) HERMIONY 1: Oh my God! Who has some shrooms? SOUND EFFECTS 2: Stumble, stumble, slip. VOLDEMORT SR. 2: Hello, Brenda. VOLDEMORT SR. 1: OH MY GOD! HARRY POTHEAD 1: (Gasp) Oh my God! HARRY POTHEAD 2: Oh my God. HARRY POTHEAD 1: Oh my God? NARRATOR 2: Oh my God! Oh God! Oh God! OH God! HERMIONY 1: Ow. HERMIONY 2: That�s nasty. HERMIONY 1: That hurt me bad. HERMIONY 2: You know if I wasn�t a robot my heart would have been right there! HERMIONY 1: (Cries meth.) Right there. HERMIONY 2: Now I�m going to cry meth. This is all your fault. HERMIONY 1: Now I�m going to become a goth because of you. HARRY POTHEAD 1: (Gasp, cry) NOOOOOOOOO! VOLDEMORT SR. 2: But you don�t even have black hair! What are you going to do about that? HARRY POTHEAD 1: No! SOUND EFFECTS 1: Walk, walk, walk, walk. HERMIONY 2: (Hermiony 1 gasps.) Gasp! NARRATOR 2: Dramatic effect! NARRATOR 1: Oh my�! INTERCOM 2: It�s time to rule the� drugs. INTERCOM 1: Foreeeeeeeeeeeevvvvvvveeeeeeeeeeerrrrrr! NARRATOR 1: Duuuun, duuuuuuun, duuuuuuuuuuuuuun. DUN DUN! VOLDEMORT SR. 2: Oh my God! She walked a mile on her own! INTERCOM 2: The patented meth lab seat. Complete with meth lab and marijuana plant INTERCOM 1: And your own personal acid bong! HERMIONY 1: Amazing. INTERCOM 2: And doobees! HERMIONY 1: It is time for me to claim the thrown. SOUND EFFECTS 1: Pppppppf! HERMIONY 2: Got fat for a second. NARRATOR 2: You have to get fat� HERMIONY 1: Wow, this is the worst acid trip ever! SCIENTIST 1: Ooo let�s party! SCIENTIST 2: Acid trip! Nuuuuuur! SCIENTIST 1: Oh my God! SCIENTIST 2: Let�s run around! SCIENTIST 1: The main reactors are overtime! SCIENTIST 2: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaah! SOUND EFFECTS 2: Boom. NARRATOR 1: Oh my God! It�s burning! ROBOT 1: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! SOUND EFFECTS 1: Boom! NARRATOR 1: There goes my subconscious! SOUND EFFECTS 1: Oof! SCIENTIST 1: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH! SCIENTIST 2: (Says at same time as Scientist 1.) Noooooooooooooooooooooo! SCIENTIST 1: You can�t do that! SCIENTIST 2: Yes, I can! Just watch me! (Points towards door.) Huh? I came from there! VOLDEMORT SR. 1: It�s going to die! We�re all going to die! NARRATOR 1: Oh my God! What�s happening? Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! NARRATOR 2: Settle down. It�s just an acid trip. Jeeze! NARRATOR 1: But the thing. It�s� NARRATOR 2: Yes, I know the thing. NARRATOR 1: The thing! SCIENTIST 1: Aaaaaaah! SCIENTIST 2: So much� SCIENTIST 1, 2: METH! NARRATOR 1: It�s raining meth! NARRATOR 2: It�s raining, meth! It�s raining meth! POLICE 1: Oh my God! All the hobos are here! POLICE 2: Let�s shoot stuff! Aaaah! Shoot stuff! POLICE 1: Aaaahwiggy! VOLDEMORT SR. 1: Oh my God! She�s making three hundred pounds of meth per hour! HERMIONY 2: (Opens eyes.) I know. I like to make meth. HERMIONY 1: It�s tasty. SCIENTIST 2: And she craps heroin too you know. I like heroin. UNCLE VERNON 1: But� the thing� HARRY POTHEAD 2: Noooooooooo! HARRY POTHEAD 1: (Says at same time as Harry Pothead 2.) I love you! UNCLE VERNON 2: Heroin and marijuana is the only drug for you! HARRY POTHEAD 1: But� that�s gay! I love you! SCIENTIST 2: This is all because we�re in love with that stupid girl. Yeah! Cuz she�s the drug lord! Yeah! HERMIONY 1: I now control the system. Please back away. HERMIONY 2: Or else I will do something. Something HORRIBLE! NARRATOR 1: Dun dun duuuun! POLICE 1: Aaaaaaaaaaaah! POLICE 2: (Says at same time as Police 1.) Just avert the eyes. NARRATOR 1: Halloweeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeen. VOLDEMORT SR. 2: Oh noes! (Daft Punk: Phoenix ends.) VOLDEMORT SR. 1: She�s still plugged into the system. HERMIONY 2: I like to make meth. I�m going to make so much I�m going to drown you all. UNCLE VERNON 1: Oh my� Aaaah! You did this! It�s your fault! I hate you! And�! HARRY POTHEAD 2: No! Brenda! HARRY POTHEAD 1: Aaaaaah! I love you! UNCLE VERNON 2: Oh noes! I loved her first! I loved her before it was cool! HARRY POTHEAD 1: But� No! Now I can never�! UNCLE VERNON 2: You brought this [on your] self, Harry Pothead! VOLDEMORT 1: I�m leaving now! Oh my God! It�s the transvestite! UNCLE VERNON 2: Hello? UNCLE VERNON 1: Ah� SOUND EFFECTS 1: Wwisichikachickachicka! HARRY POTHEAD 1: Ah! Must! HARRY POTHEAD 2: So hard! HARRY POTHEAD 1: Get to! HARRY POTHEAD 2: So out of shape! HARRY POTHEAD 1: Must get to the� HARRY POTHEAD 2: �burning girl! Hello, Brenda! HARRY POTHEAD 1: I love you! HERMIONY 1: Well, I don�t love you! HERMIONY 2: So I�m going to kill you. HARRY POTHEAD 1: I want to be drug lord now! HARRY POTHEAD 2: You�ve had it for five minutes! Ah! I�m changing colors. HARRY POTHEAD 1: Oh! Oops. Must� get� you� HARRY POTHEAD 2: Out of the chair so I can sit on it or I�ll sit on you! I�m really, really fat! HERMIONY 1: Oh! HARRY POTHEAD 2: You don�t want me to sit on you, you know! HARRY POTHEAD 1: Nooooooo! You�re becoming addicted! HARRY POTHEAD 2: Nooooooo! NARRATOR 2: That�s what happens when you become a drug addic. NARRATOR 1: Tuh! NARRATOR 2: Tuh! HARRY POTHEAD 1: Noo! NARRATOR 2: You get plants growing on your head and then this kid will rip you out of the wall. NARRATOR 1: Out of the wall! NARRATOR 2: Chair� HARRY POTHEAD 1: Aaaaaaaaaaah! SOUND EFFECTS 2: Click. SOUND EFFECTS 1: Explode. SOUND EFFECTS 2: Boom. HARRY POTHEAD 1: (Yawn) Oh my God! We just fell� like three thousand feet and we didn�t die! HARRY POTHEAD 2: Isn�t that cool? Hey! SOUND EFFECTS 1: Twitch. HARRY POTHEAD 2: I said isn�t that cool? Isn�t it? HERMIONY 1: Noooowoow. SOUND EFFECTS 1: Twitch. NARRATOR 2: Es stupido! HARRY POTHEAD 2: No! You�re burning! HERMIONY 1: My pants are on fire! HARRY POTHEAD 2: You should put your pants out. HARRY POTHEAD 1: (Says at same time as Harry Pothead 2.) Ow! That hurt bad! HARRY POTHEAD 2: Makes you sexy though. You�re sexy. METH ZOMBIE: Meth! Must have meth! SCIENTIST 2: (Says before �Must.�) No, it�s the meth zombies! METH ZOMBIE: Meth! Brains� VOLDEMORT SR. 2: Damn! We don�t have enough meth! VOLDEMORT SR. 1: Damn it! METH ZOMBIE: Meth! VOLDEMORT SR. 2: Now that, that girl left! HARRY POTHEAD 1: Meth! Oof! HERMIONY 2: How dare you make me stop making meth! NARRATOR 1: We have to go away now. NARRATOR 2: Go far away. NARRATOR 1: And then� to� NARRATOR 2: And then come back. VOLDEMORT SR. 1: Oh my God! I don�t think the cocaine in my nose will suffice me! Oh my God! HARRY POTHEAD 1: What are you doing, Brenda? I love you! HARRY POTHEAD 2: (Still talking about the other scene. Talks durning Harry Pothead 1.) Wait, we still have to sniff it! HARRY POTHEAD 1: I love you! SOUND EFFECTS 1: (Sounds for a piece of metal.) Oof, oof, oof. SOUND EFFECTS 2: Clunk. HARRY POTHEAD 1: Give me a hug! HARRY POTHEAD 2: Please! That�s all I ask! HARRY POTHEAD 1: (Hermiony picks him up and throws him.) Aaaaaah! HARRY POTHEAD 2: (Slapping sound in the background.) That wasn�t half a hug! HARRY POTHEAD 1: Uff! I hate you now! Cuz you didn�t� give me any acid! (Gasp) HARRY POTHEAD 2: No! She�s still coming to kill me! HARRY POTHEAD 1: (Yawn) My God! SCIENTIST 1: (Falls down a hole.) We�re all going to die! VOLDEMORT SR. 2: We don�t have enough meth! METH ZOMBIE: METH! VOLDEMORT SR. 1: I�m going to cry now! VOLDEMORT 2: You stupid zombies! I�m going to press a button! VOLDEMORT 1: What are you losers doing? VOLDEMORT 2: I�m a kitty. NARRATOR 1: Dramatic effect! NARRATOR 2: Dramatic effect. SOUND EFFECTS 2: Click. SOUND EFFECTS 1: Press. (Eiffel 65: King of Lullaby starts.) INTERCOM 1: Self destruct in negative two seconds. SOUND EFFECTS 1: Booooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooom. NARRATOR 2: Dramatic effect. SOUND EFFECTS 1: Booooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooom. Boom! Boom! Boomboomboomboomboomboomboomboomboomboomboom! SOUND EFFECTS 2: Boom boom. SOUND EFFECTS 1: Boom! NARRATOR 1: House master, did you eat your chunky noodle soup? NARRATOR 2: No! NARRATOR 1: Byebyyeybeyybyeybyeybyeyy! SOUND EFFECTS 1: Boom! SOUND EFFECTS 2: Boom, boom, boom, bang, boom. SOUND EFFECTS 1: Boosh! Bam bam bam! Bam, bam! NARRATOR 1: And kids. This is why you shouldn�t do drugs� at all. Cuz then the world explodes and people turn into the nasty evil robots and they come to kill you. NARRATOR 2: And they demand meth. NARRATOR 1: And there fingers twitch. NARRATOR 2: And then they� they like� yeah. They�re like that. NARRATOR 1: And then they fall. Then, they get up again. NARRATOR 2: And then they look at you all creepy like and then they twitch their fingers and then� NARRATOR 1: And then more things explode! NARRATOR 2: Yeah. NARRATOR 1: See? These are the bad things that can come from drugs. NARRATOR 2: There are lots of bad things that come from drugs. NARRATOR 1: Oh yeah. NARRATOR 2: But this is a pretty bad one. NARRATOR 1: See? Cuz all their fingers go twitchy, twitchy, TWITCHY! NARRATOR 2: And then they grab your neck! NARRATOR 1: And then they go �Oh my God!� NARRATOR 2: No more ruling for her. NARRATOR 1: Heart failure! HERMIONY 2: I had a heart attack in mid air. HARRY POTHEAD 1: Ah! HARRY POTHEAD 2: Brenda, you suck! SOUND EFFECTS 1: Explode. HARRY POTHEAD 2: I�m glad I broke up with you� five minutes ago! HARRY POTHEAD 1: Cuz you never loved me! Oh my God! I still love you! I�m going to go save you! (Gasp) I�m going to stare at you now! HARRY POTHEAD 2: Brenda! HERMIONY 1: Hi! HERMIONY 2: I�m down here! HERMIONY 1: Will you save me? HARRY POTHEAD 1: Uuuuuuuuuugh! HARRY POTHEAD 2: I�m so out of shape! Oh my God! HARRY POTHEAD 1: Uuuuuuuurgh! HARRY POTHEAD 2: So much smoke in my lungs! HARRY POTHEAD 1: Too weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeak! Aaaaah. HERMIONY 2: You�re a whiner. HERMIONY 1: Weak sauce! HARRY POTHEAD 1: No! HERMIONY 2: I don�t love you anymore so I won�t hold your hand. HARRY POTHEAD 1: But I love you! HERMIONY 2: Too bad. You can burn in hell. NARRATOR 1: Eye twitch. And that�s another bad thing that can come from� things. NARRATOR 2: Your eyes turn different colors. HARRY POTHEAD 1: No! HERMIONY 2: Yes, they do! Accept it! Goodbye. HARRY POTHEAD 1: Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo! (Gasp) Ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo! HARRY POTHEAD 2: No, why Jesus? HARRY POTHEAD 1: I love yoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooou! HARRY POTHEAD 2: Even though you just shafted me! SOUND EFFECTS 1: Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom! NARRATOR 1: Everything explodes. NARRATOR 2: And falls. SOUND EFFECTS 1: Boom. NARRATOR 2: Yay! Run guy run! BLUE GUY 1: Oh my God! CROWD 2: Hello? Goodbye. NARRATOR 1: Is something happening? SOUND EFFECTS 2: Explode, explode, explode. NARRATOR 1: Oh my God! It�s the apocalypse! We�re all going to die! NARRATOR 2: Ha ha! NARRATOR 1: (Says while yawning.) Oh my God! (Says normally.) Well, that was the part of the movie where we had really nothing to say cuz we don�t want to go kaboom. Look birds! NARRATOR 2: Yay! Birds! Now everything isn�t exploding! How peacefull. NARRATOR 1: Yay! Hey� Where�d all the hobos go? (Eiffel 65: King of Lullaby ends.) NARRATOR 2: Where are the hobos? There they are. NARRATOR 1: No, they�re not. NARRATOR 2: Now they�re not there anymore! Where did they go? (Cries) NARRATOR 1: (Cries) We want to find the hobos! Where did they go? HARRY POTHEAD 1: (Cries) I can�t find the hobos! They always had the best marijuana. NARRATOR 2: Where are the� NARRATOR 1, 2: �hobos? (Camera looks down on hobos.) There they are! HARRY POTHEAD 1: Hey look! It�s Hagrid! HARRY POTHEAD 2: Yay! HARRY POTHEAD 1: Hooray, Hagrid! (Picks up piece of metal. Gasp) Oh my God! What�s this? HARRY POTHEAD 2: This used to be part of my girlfriend! HARRY POTHEAD 1: Well, ever since she sat on the one thingy. The� chair� HARRY POTHEAD 1, 2: �thing. HARRY POTHEAD 1: Oh my God! Hagrid! HAGRID 2: Harry! You�re back! See my leg? I got a new leg see? HAGRID 1: Leg! HAGRID 2: It�s purty like them! See? He�s purty and he has shoes. You like shoes? HAGRID 1: They were Hermiony�s! Heehee! HARRY POTHEAD 2: Whoa, dude! Is this like a bong or something? HAGRID 2: It�s your own personal bong! HARRY POTHEAD 1: (Cries) I�ve never had one of those. HAGRID 1: OH MY GOD! Everybody� HAGRID 2: Yay! We gave him something he liked! HAGRID 1: Dance! HAGRID 2: Oh yeah! Hobos rock! Uhuh! HAGRID 1: Everybody dance! HARRY POTHEAD 1: Wow. I love being around hobos. They�re such great stoners. (Tear falls down face.) HARRY POTHAED 2: Yay! You should come over here and party, uncle! Even though you�re gay! And you�re my uncle! HARRY POTHEAD 1: And I have my own bong now! NARRATOR 1: (Sings) La la ladada! HARRY POTHEAD 2: I don�t think I want to share my bong with you. So I�m going to go smoke it OVER HERE! (Runs after hobos.) HARRY POTHEAD 1: Hi, hobos! Hobos! CROWD 2: You�re back! CROWD 1: We love you! HARRY POTHEAD 2: The sun it burns my skin! HAGRID 1: My retinas! UNCLE VERNON 2: Aww, he�s burning. UNCLE VERNON 1: AAAAAH! AAAAAH! Uh� I�m cold now. UNCLE VERNON 1, 2: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah. UNCLE VERNON 1: (Gasp) Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah� NARRATOR 1: (Sings) Clouds, clouds! La dadadowwwwdow! NARRATOR 2: 3-D Jet! NARRATOR 1: Oh my God! NARRATOR 2: And look. It�s Harry. HARRY POTHEAD 1: Hey! NARRATOR 2: His uncle just left him. HARRY POTHEAD 1: Bye, Uncle Vernon! I hate you! HARRY POTHEAD 2: You suck! SOUND EFFECTS 1: Woosh! HARRY POTHEAD 1: I�m going to live with the hobos now! Cuz they�re sexy! HARRY POTHEAD 2: Hobos rock! Best stoners ever! HARRY POTHEAD 1: Cuz they grown the best weed! NARRATOR 1: Oh my God. Radio! NARRATOR 2: (Says before �Radio!�) Look! The radio! NARRATOR 1: Aw� it�s so lovely� NARRATOR 2: Heeyaya. (Static-X: I�m with Stupid starts.) SOUND EFFECTS 1: Twitch, twitch. SOUND EFFECTS 2: Poke. (Static-X: I�m with Stupid stops.) SOUND EFFECTS 1: Twitch. NARRATOR 1: (Sings) Awwwwwwwwwww. NARRATOR 2: Black out. (Daft Punk: Human After All starts.) Credits: Voice Actors Eustacia Emily Marshall Nick Music Daft Punk Human After All �Television Rules the Nation� Static-X Beneath, Between, Beyond �Burning Inside� Daft Punk Discovery �Aerodynamic� Static-X Wisconsin Death Trip �I�m With Stupid� Daft Punk Discovery �Superheros� Eiffel 65 Contact �Johnny Grey� Daft Punk Homework �Around the World� Daft Punk Homework �Phoenix� Eiffel 65 Contact �King of Lullaby� Daft Punk Human After All �Human After All� Drugs of Metropolis is a parody of Metropolis (Daft Punk: Human After All fades out.) THE END

		Nick of Metropolis Typed up by Emily Palmieri Dubbed by Nick Palmieri Cast Detective, Kenichi, Roc, Narrator, Intercom, Father, Robots, Tima, Trash Can, Announcer, Audience, President, Reporter, Person, Guy, Old Man, Robot, Fat Hobo, Stamp Guy: Nick Narrator 2: Emily A note to the reader: This is a complete improvisation done mostly by Nick. There was no script. Much like �Who�s Line is it Anyway?� I just typed up everything that Nick said after we finished recording and all that. It wasn�t easy. Nick�s English isn�t the best, as you�ll soon find out. If you�ve ever put the TV on mute and made the people say different things than what they are really saying you�ll understand what�s going on here. If you haven�t done that, you should. It�s really fun. This is an improvisation of different parts of the anime version of Metropolis if any of you have ever seen it. Enjoy. Show: (Near beginning to beginning of fish room.) ANOUNCER: BAR MISTFA! YAY! BAR MISTFA! NARRATOR: Well, that was really short. FATHER: Oh! I just love my beautiful blached hair. Blaaaaae! NARRATOR: Oh it's a pony. It's a pony from the 19th century!! FATHER: Oh yeah they couldn't afford ponies. AUDIENCE: YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! FATHER: I have a black suit I'm a PIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIMP! D'you see my shirt? This is my gay homo. His name's Jesus. Well, no actually it's Bob, but okay it's Bob! Hello! Say hello to Bob! Hey I'm talkin'! Clap. PRESIDENT: Whoa, I just love my pink suit! I'm so pimpolisious. Ya know what that means, huh? That means I can have a cigarette. I mean cigar. SHUT UP! Oh yeEEAH! Yeah, that's what I like. Cigar weed! REPORTER: It's dipped in SCOTCH isn't it!? PERSON: No, it isn't! At all is it!? PRESIDENT: Nope. AUDIENCE: AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH! YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEYAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! laughs yaaaaa�. KENICHI: BOOM! ABOOM! SEE THAT!? YOU SEE THAT!? HUH!? DETECTIVE: Nope. GUY: Bang, boom, bam! OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH! OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH! WAAAA! NARRATOR: Oh! It's a flashlight!! OLD MAN: Wow! That� Oh wow! Whoa! NARRATOR: It's going down! Uh oh! Plane crashing! Well, somebody just flew out like a bat out of hell! I guess� KITTY! Don't step on it! Don't kill it! NO! Wow� The kitty lives on and it helps people without can openers. Boom, bang, bang, boom! ROBOT: See my legs again! They're HUGE! Man, that freaks me out. NARRATOR: Bang! ROBOT: Oh! My leg! NARRATOR: Bam! ROBOT: Oh! My back! NARRATOR: He's dead! He's DEAAAAAAAAD! He's bleedin' like a son of a gun cuz he got shot with a gun! Yeah, nobody's going to talk so I talk! Ya know, see this is uh match box. Oh hobo. Ah I like mah mustache. FAT HOBO: Bleh. Oh! Weiner schnitzel! It's shibbidy do dog with his do rag! It's not as huge and his huge thing his doufgldkjf. FATHER: It's huge hair. See? Look at my hair again 'n' I'll kill you too! That's cuz I'm beautiful. See lights turn on when you're beautiful. FAT HOBO: I know sir. I know, and it's dark for me. FATHER: Cuz yo' eyes are ugly. FAT HOBO: I know. FATHER: Well� FAT HOBO: Heiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii. Good bye I'm a hobo. Don't touch me! I have a mustache! Bye. ROC: Wow. He was weird. Sup? NARRATOR: CD case. ROC: Well� what? Am I just going to stand here? FATHER: Nope you aren't because I'm going to� like rise up and kill. ROC: Yup. NARRATOR: Escalator land. CUZ IT'S ESCALATOR LAND! YEAH! It's Japanese and they're Japanese. Japanese, Gookland, California! GUY: I'm running down the stairs! Quick, quick! There's a bomb! There's a bomb in the crapper! Quick! Run! Heh! Oh my god! STAMP GUY: Heh! I like to stamp things! Oh, what's this? I'm going to stamp it a million times. Stamp. Throw it away! I hate you! Ooooo! There's a spider outside! Look at the spider! DETECTIVE: Wow� god rest his soul� laughs It's a fish! It's crappin' out of it's mouth! STAMP GUY: We're out of cash!!! DETECTIVE: Sorry. vomits Ok, sorry about that. I kinda ya know� ya know like yeah� uhuh, yup, yeah. _______________________________________ (Tima and Roc talk scene to Tima using "the phone.") MAID: Helloooooooooooo. TIMA: Ehe! Yo' hair looks like soap! MAID: It's like oh that� lkdjaldksflk. Sldkfjsldkfj. Lklkajsdfksdflkj! ROC: Oh I know. It's horrible. MAID: Keep the change. NARRATOR: Oh! He said keep the change! MAID: Goodbye. ROC: alalalla! Yo! Yeah� yup� mhm. TIMA: Really? That is so wicked, freakin' crickey! And it's� your mom. ROC: Oh! I got a red hat. Did you know that? I love cheese just like yo' momma! 'cept she was a HAM addict! Ya know what that is? They eat HAM 24/7! Yo face looks like crap with soap on it! That is so wicked cool man! TIMA: Your glasses are funny looking. ROC: Oh, I know they are cuz your face! TIMA: But I have blue eyes! Did you know that too? ROC: Yes, you look like crap on your mommas� back. Oh! Oh, so what you wanna� Oh YEAH! Yeah, you know I do fool! TIMA: No, you don't. I like heroin. ROC: You bitch. Well, I guess we'll just sit here for a little bit and just look. THINGS! Ieeeeeeee nonediyo, nonediyay! Yayakeee ya! Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa lolollolollo. LAALOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL! NARRATOR: Look there's a car! There's a car!! Rock on. Nothing's happening again. ROC: Hey you. I'm gonna cut your throat! TIMA: Oh! NARRATOR: That's what happens when you take a ten thousand overdose of heroin! Your pupils turn small. ZePAT! We're like� going in things� Oh! I see the light! Oh! Help me, Jesus! ROC: The lord suppresses you! With a gun. I'm prayin' like a muslim. I LOVE TO INJECT COCAINE! Yey. It's GREEN! YEYA! YO FACE! NARRATOR: She's gonna be implanted! ROC: laughs She looks like an idiot. Ehya� Here it comes. I'm gonna cocaine you. Cocaine! AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! Oh well it looks like I knocked the power out. Ah! Yakee! Komoestas! Yay! DETECTIVE: No! Never again will you ever, ever, never, ever� Yey� Hello? Oh cool! He has a bullet in his back! Like my hand its like all bein' petted by my other hand. NARRATOR: Well, it looks like there some snowflakes. He's reaching for something! Oh I think it's a gun! Squirrel. Book! A BOOK, A BBOOOOOOOOOOOK!! With pictu'es in it. Yeah, and a whole bunch of weird writin' that looks like a five year old would do. Well, yeah, isn't that funny? DETECTIVE: Ooooo I'm gonna� I'm just a little Buddha! I'm a fat Buddha! Buddha! BUDDHA YAYA! I'm praying. It says here that once you meet the trash can he shall dissolve your insides and turn them into cheese. Oh that is wicked awesome, man. I wish I had known that when I first bought these CLOTHES. Well, I guess I'll eat� something that I just picked up. I'm walkin' away. I'm walkin'� ye� Oh! There's the cocaine addict. She looks like she's still passed out! Well, isn't that just sexeh!? Ya like wata? Huh? You like water?! HUH?! I'm gonna break yo' neck! Oooooh! Diamonds! Ooooo I'm gonna break yo' neck! Restart button. TIMA: Meow. HELLO! DETECTIVE: Heh! Yo' not dead! TIMA: What? DETECTIVE: Yo' not dead!! Ya' hear that!? Listen to mah face! TIMA: Yo' face does not talk. DETECTIVE: So, my mouth does. You didn't know that! You stupid white person! White woman! TIMA: I am white. DETECTIVE: No! You're robot! Shut up! Idiot� stupid� fat head. IEEEEEEeAAAAAAAA! NO! You're not! Ya see that. That's a weird thing. TIMA: What is it? What is it? DETECTIVE: It's a weird thing. I'll kill you. Lemme get it. Ya like telephones? It's a really cool telephone. You can call long distance for only TEN MILLION DOLLARS AN HOUR! Ya wanna try it? Cuz ya can. If you want to. TIMA: Okay. Give me the phone. _______________________________________ (Red room to end.) DETECTIVE: Hellooooooooooooooooo MY GOD! WASSUP!? Yeah, you have big hair. I hate you cuz yo� white. KENICHI: Oh my god. He�s black. OH NO! HE�S BLACK! I�m falling again! DETECTIVE: Oh! Oh my god! KENICHI: Oh! She�s super sayan again and I�m flying like� DETECTIVE: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH IYIYIYAYA! Yayayayaayiyo. Heh. That�s really tall man! ROC: Well, mah god I gotta walk! DETECTIVE: Heh! I�m a kitty! Hello! NARRATOR: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! KENICHI: Cocaine everywhere! Cocaine where!? Oh my god. Oh damn! She�s burnin�! NARRATOR: Ya� know this is the part when she gets all the drugs attached. Ya� know she�s actually a heroin plant. It�s all in her brain. KENICHI: Oh my god! I�m turning colors. INTERCOM: Cocaine analyze complete. NARRATOR: YEAH! WE GETTIN� COCAINE! YEAH! Oh my god! Ju see that? Did you see that? Yeah look at that face. Oh my god. She�s UGGGGGGGLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLYYYYYYYYYYYY. NARRATOR 2: There�s a plant growin� on mah head. NARRATOR: Here it comes. Aw see her� yeah. NARRATOR 2: It�s marijuana. NARRATOR: Time� Ya� see she just craps and then they get there co� heroin out of the big pot. NO SHE�S MAKIN� HEROIN! DON�T DO THAT! DON�T DO THAT! NO I LIKE HEROIN! No no no no no NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO Slkdjalfdjslkdjfs;lkdjflskdjflskdjf! Wow� Just in time. Wow. That�s amazing. KENICHI: Meow. Meow? Meow. HI! Meow! Oh it must be a Navaho. NARRATOR: Ah yes. She�s infected with the heroin. Er� he or she. Whatever the hell she is� he is. KENICHI: Oh damn. She�s burnin� again. Blue balls of fire! Ow! That hurt me! OH I�m� clenching my teeth again. NARRATOR: Get away. Oh my god. ZOMBIES! Zombies everywhere! They just want their heroin! Oh god they�re throwin� people. Oh damn. See that? Zombies! Zee? Zombie! FATHER: Oh! I don�t have cocaine. Zombies? KENICHI: Oh my nose! NARRATOR: You see that? He just totally like flew. Oh my god. She�s a robot. NARRATOR 2: Biatch. NARRATOR: Smack! Down in the what? Yeah! FATHER: Ok! Yeah! Ickskobabab I have dis big guy yo yo. NARRATOR: And� and then� and then the frybread. No! No! I need frybread! KENICHI: Fry� fry bread. I need to fry your bread. NARRATOR 2: The lord is in you. KENICHI: You know the left side of your head is kinda bald and you�re carrying an RPG behind you. Ya know that�s a Rocket Propelled Grenade. That�s what Kyle�s in. Yeah tha�s club. Oh no! Oh my GOD! Well I�m hangin� off nowhere. Ya happy ya little� stupid! STUPID! Ah! Oh she�s comin� to kill me ain�t she? She�s going to kill me with that RPG! Oh man. I have big calfs. D�you see mah legs? D�you see mah legs? They�re huge! You gotta see �em. NARRATOR: Oh that was cool. ZOMBIES again! Zombies. FATHER: GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIYAYAGAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! ROC: Gilittlum�. Bye moose. NARRATOR: Ahuhu! Yeah you remember that show? Do ya? Castle in the Sky? Oh he looks like kitty. FATHER: OH! He�s bein� killed by ZOMBIES! Ah I better take that cocaine out of my nose. NARRATOR 2: Gotta smoke it ya know? NARRATOR: Oh my god. Oh man it just blown up. Ya see that blew up? It blew up. Blew up. OH! That�s a nukem bomb right there foo�! There goes twenty million dollars worth of drugs all in one explosion that destroyed half the planet. Ya know that�s pretty stupid! NARRATOR 2: Now we�ll never get to Hogwarts, Harry. NARRATOR: Oh damn. That�s pretty bad. Just look at all that explodin� and evacuatin� like �Oh man, we out of heroin! We gotta like BLOW UP!� I wonder what Bruce Lee would be doing right now. Oh he�d be probably like hiding and like kitties would be attacking and� yeh. Five minutes and thirty seconds! Yeah, I still have a long time to go. Oooooooo kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty. TIMA: I have an ugly face. Yeah, heroin�s attached to me so I go crazy. NARRATOR: Oh, it�s freezin�! It�s freezing! Hello!? It froze! It froze! Hello? Oh god it froze. Aww� yeah! See it�s blowin� up again. KENICHI: AAAAAAAAAAH! You are ugly. NARRATOR: Oh damn it�s pausing again. Oh! Squiggly! KENICHI: IeeeeeeeeeeeeeEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! Oh I held on to somethin�. Welp she�s dead. Hopefully� ooooo All this stuff explodin� and I�m going to choke to death. Too bad I didn�t smoke heroin. Heh! You can�t do that ha! Eheh! Dumb idiot! How the hell did she get over there? �post to fall down not FLY THAT WAY! Oooooo her RPG�s holding her up. Cool I like RPGs. H-Hey! NARRATOR 2: Boom. NARRATOR: Ehe. You see that? KENICHI: Stupid! STUPID! TIMA: Meow. I want to go up so I can hurt you. KENICHI: Noooooooooo! Noooooooooo! Hello, Claris. TIMA: Meow. MeOW! I�m a zombie! I�m a zombie! I�m a zombay! KENICHI: No! eheheh! STUPAD! You idiot. NARRATOR: Ya know he�s supposed to say grab my hand right there, and then she said a whole bunch of gibberish, and then she�s like �Oh White Power!� and then she slips. OH GOD! TIMA: Goodbye, Brenda! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! NARRATOR: She�s burnin� in hell that�s for sure. KENICHI: No! Why Jesus why!? Oh good Lord himself did this. Oh man! NARRATOR: Ya see that look at that! Machine guns! Machine guns! LAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAHAAAAAAAAAAAAA! Sorry. All right. Everything�s all purple and green and it looks really weird and he�s like haulin� ass and he�s like �WOOOOOOOOO! MAH GOD! AND THEN YEAYA!� And then yeah. Well, it looks like a big palace that should be on Diablo II and it�s all exploding. It�s like pooooooooooo and then like� Ya know like� So I threw a grenade �n� yeah. Well I guess that�s what happens when you�re a drug attICK. Yeah huh? Well, we�re at like almost nine minutes. That�s kinda funny. Oooooooooo it�s all like falling to the ground. Like some kind of magical palace from the Castle in the Sky. Yeah, did you know there was a Castle in the Sky and there were kitties all over and they were like touched robots and they�re like �Meow?� Oooo look birds. They�re flyin�. They�re flyin�. Oh damn we�re gonna get shot. Oooooooooo. Welp there�s the little trolly thing and lights �n� a whole bunch of destroyed crap �n�� Oh come on I want to talk! KENICHI: Heh! I like to go home and sleep� with a kitty� and a CHICKEN and cheap burritos so I can eat them. Wow it�s all dead. Oooooooooo yes! Hobos survived. YEAYES! I love you guys! ANDGAGILILALAGI! Kakalilili! click tongue twice D�you guys see a falling girl and then she blew up? That was freakin� awesome wasn�t it? TRASH CAN: YEAH! LIKE 800 PULL MAI GIANT TRASH CAN! I�m Jesus the talkin� trash can! I have a broken leg. Oh yeah! I love cheese! OH YEAH! Cheese and machine guns. Yeah you like that. I ate her and she tasted like DUAAAA! God the zombies are back. AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH! You� You like zombies? KENICHI: I know they�re� Oh my god� What the hell is this? TRASH CAN: Oh it�s my cheese I fermented for twenty thousand years! I know it stinks� AH YEAH! I LOVE CHEESE! Yeah I�m dancin�! I�m Jesus! Oh yeah dance zombies dance, dance! LALA KAKA I�m Mexicana yo yo! Konechiwa! Oh that�s your next� QUIT CRYIN�! KENICHI: I�m gonna go to hell. I wanna jump off this cliff! YEAH! I�m so happy! I need some waffles! WWWWWWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGABAAGOBOOOOOOOOO AAAAAAAAAAAAAA! cough Sorry. Throat. NARRATOR: Ah nothing�s happening. Wait. Oh, there�s a hobo. Oh yes it�s the dude with the ten thousand cocaine mustache. Back at the ranch Joe and George ate ALL the TURKEY! ROBOTS: Really? Well, what about the cows? Oh, they died. DETECTIVE: Really? Oh god. That�s horrible. AAAAHHH, I have a mustache. WWWWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH! Cows! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOglidlum! NARRATOR: COUGH You had to scream because machine guns. MACHINE GUNS! All right. Now they�re flyin� away to kill all the squirrels on they�re home planet. That is a weird JET man! If I had one of those things I�d probably eat cheese and then die! Well, I think it�s toward the end, probably. Somewhere in there. Oh I bet they�re going to show a body! Show a dead body!! Do it, do it, do it, do it� Wazzat? Oh! It�s flashing! Man I bet I could sell that for ten bucks on Ebay! Aw the end. THE END

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