INTRODUCTION
(A sign comes up that says "Dot" (In a dot.) "Hash//Browns".)
NARRATOR: (Struggles to move the sign over as the person holding the sign fights to keep it in front of the camera. This goes on for a few seconds and the narrator wins.) Everyone, we'd just like to say that this is not pronounced as you think it is pronounced. I know it's confusing, but you'll get it. It is pronounced DOT HASH BROWNS not PERIOD HASH BACKSLASH BACKSLASH BROWNS. Thank you for your time. Now this is the first episode of Anime Backstage. In this series, made by the creators of The Hell House, we will be making fun of animes. This was off the show .Hack//Sign. Many people don't know this, but that anime has a video game and is based on a novel. Now on to the show.
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SHOW
(His House is standing in front of Mommy with a box in his hand.)
HIS HOUSE: (In a high pitched voice.) MOMMY I GOT A NEW VIDEO GAME!
MOMMY: Gee... I thought that was a cereal box. Looks like I'll have to take it away from you.
HIS HOUSE: IT IS A CEREAL BOX!
MOMMY: Well, then it's not a game. Don't play with your food!
HIS HOUSE: But it is! It has a game in side it! Watch me play it!
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(Inside the game His House is walking around in a long sleeve shirt and is holding two soup ladles in each hand. His hands are hidden inside the sleeves. Mommy is standing somewhere out of view from the camera.)
HIS HOUSE: (High pitched voice.) This is an early version of the game Mommy so I have soup ladles for hands!
(A monster comes up to His House dressed in the exact same way and hits him on the head with the soup ladle. His House hits him back, and they do this for a little bit.)
MOMMY: This game is too violent, I'm turning it off.
HIS HOUSE: No, Mommy! Then I'll be stuck in the game FOREVER!
(The computer screen turns off.)
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(Outside in the back yard.)
NARRATOR: Twenty years later.
MAMASITA: Where's Lady Soapskum already!?
BEER: I don't know.
MAMASITA: She was supposed to meet us here THREE hours ago.
BEER: You know Lady Soapskum, always busy, always late...
MAMASITA: Busy with what!? Busy paying DSL and electricity bills for playing this 24 hours a day!? Come on!
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(Lady Soapskum appears in the back yard with Mamasita and Beer.)
MAMASITA: Took you long enough! What were you doing?
LADY SOAPSKUM: I was talking to someone.
MAMASITA: What? The electricity guy!?
LADY SOAPSKUM: No! Well, yes. I did talk to him today about someone in this game.
BEER: Wow! He plays this game too?
MAMASITA: Who were you talking about? It better not have been me!
(Records Lady Soapskum's eye.)
LADY SOAPSKUM: His House.
(Normal Camera Angle.)
MAMASITA: What kind of a name is that?
BEER: What kind of a name is Mamasita?
MAMASITA: This name is cool!
(Records Beer's mouth.)
BEER: It means little momma in Spanish.
(Normal Camera angle.)
MAMASITA: Well, I'm not Spanish, so it means Mamasita in English! At least mine is more interesting than yours. What kind of a name is Beer?
LADY SOAPSKUM: Can we get back on the subject?
BEER: Of course, Lady Soapskum.
(Records a blade of grass.)
LADY SOAPSKUM: He claimed to have been stuck in the game for 20 years.
(Records Mamasita's mouth.)
MAMASITA: Twenty years! I can only stand this game for 20 minutes at a time!
(Normal Camera angle.)
LADY SOAPSKUM: After we finished talking, he ran off.
MAMASITA: What did he look like?
LADY SOAPSKUM: He had a thing that looked like a flyswatter and was wearing a red robe.
MAMASITA: He isn't a fan of the devil or something, is he?
(Records Lady Soapskum's face.)
LADY SOAPSKUM: I don't know.
BEER: I would like to meet him.
LADY SOAPSKUM: I'm not so sure about that Beer. He was a very depressing character.
(Normal camera angle.)
MAMASITA: Well, it's better than waiting for 3 hours for you to get here, and then, having a boring conversation with you!
LADY SOAPSKUM: You're right. I have carried on too long and must leave now. SILVER MONKEY!
SILVER MONKEY: (Runs up to Lady Soapskum.) Yes, my lady?
LADY SOAPSKUM: I'm ready to go back to the "castle."
SILVER MONKEY: Yes Lady Soapskum.
(Silver Monkey and Lady Soapskum leave the scene.)
BEER: We better go find this His House character.
MOMASITA: Why? So we can get caught up in his lame past?
BEER: What if he needs help?
MOMASITA: I wouldn't care.
BEER: Well, then it would give you something to do at least.
MOMASITA: Well... I guess so.
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COMMERCIALS
(The camera is in a dark room and some kind of music is playing in the background softly.) NARRATOR: We will return to .Hash//Browns in a moment. NEXT TIME ON ANIME BACKSTAGE!
(In the room where ever the Playstation is Gocrap and Circles are playing a two player game.) CIRCLES: Dude, shouldn't we be, like, training or something?
GOCRAP: Nay, you just want to stop because I'm like so totally beating you.
CIRCLES: Well, you can go crap, Gocrap. In the mean time I'm leaving. (Turns off the Playstation.)
GOCRAP: NNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Goes to tackle him, and the sounds of him beating on his punching bag can be heard to signify him beating on Circles.)
(Back in the dark Ping-pong table room.) NARRATOR: We make fun of Dragonball Z as Dragonball MMIV! We now return to .Hash//Browns.
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SHOW
(In the front yard, His House is sitting on the porch. Beer and Mamasita walk towards him. Camera records His House's back and slowly moves upwards.)
MAMASITA: Do you know where we can find someone named His House?
HIS HOUSE: I am His House.
MAMASITA: Your Beer's house?
BEER: I didn't know I had one!
HIS HOUSE: No, I'm His House.
MAMASITA: Oh, you're His House.
BEER: How did you get stuck in the world?
HIS HOUSE: My mom turned off the computer when I was in the game.
BEER: I see.
MAMASITA: You know who you remind me of?
HIS HOUSE: Who?
MAMASITA: Jim from Outlaw Star.
HIS HOUSE: (Sniffs) That's what they all say. (Runs off crying.)
(Normal camera angle.)
MAMASITA: Touchy.
BEER: Would a normal person do that?
(Records half of Mamasita's face.)
MAMASITA: That would normally be a person admiring them. No normal person would do that.
BEER: He must not have been normal when he went into the game, and he's still not normal.
MAMASITA: This is boring. Want to go get a holographic Coke?
BEER: Sure, but I want a holographic beer.
MAMASITA: I wonder how anyone could guess where you got your nickname from...
BEER: I like beer!
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(In the kitchen.)
MAMASITA: It's amazing how many beers you can drink. I lost count at 100 and you still aren't drunk.
BEER: Well, I drank 128 beers. One for every American that died on that one ship that was torpedoed during World War I. I care about them! As for not getting drunk, I've kinda built up an immunity for beer since I do this every day of my life.
(Soapy enters the kitchen and sits next to Beer.)
BEER: (Burps in Soapy's face.) Wassup Soapy?
SOAPY: Could you buy me a beer as an apology for your rudeness?
BEER: Ain't got no money. I spent it all on my 128 beers.
SOAPY: Well, in that case... I want you to come on an adventure with me.
BEER: Nay.
SOAPY: I will not take no for an answer. You owe me an apology.
MAMASITA: Let's do it, Beer. Besides, we're bored here for most of the time anyway.
SOAPY: Good. I'm looking for the Key of the Twilight Zone.
MAMASITA: What in the name of... someone is that?
SOAPY: How should I know? That is why I'm going to look for it.
BEER: Looking for something you have no idea about will be kinda hard. Why don't we add someone to our party?
MAMASITA: Like who?
BEER: His House.
SOAPY: My house? I don't think it knows how to play this game.
BEER: No! Doh! Why can't that idiot have a nickname of some sort!
SOAPY: OH! That dude! He's plastered all over the message boards these days.
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(In the downstairs living room, His House is standing on a box against the wall.)
BEER: Hey kid, could you move, so we could see His House's articles on this board?
HIS HOUSE: I'm am His House.
MAMASITA: I didn't think being plastered all over the message boards would be taken so literally.
HIS HOUSE: I'm not plastered to it I'm just standing here.
MAMASITA: Close enough.
BEER: Would you like to join us on the search for the Key of the Twilight Zone?
HIS HOUSE: Okay... I guess.
BEER: How did we get so off track from the original story line?
MAMASITA: It must have been too boring, but this plot doesn't seem any more interesting. I guess two boring plots must be equal to one good one.
BEER: How boring.
HIS HOUSE: I'll meet you back here in a few minutes. There is something I must do, and I'm going to teleport there even though it's just through that door over there. (Points to the room that was formally known as Nick's.)
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(In formally Nick's room, Girl is lying down on a bed.)
HIS HOUSE: I think I'll just sit on your bed because it is so fluffy and soft like mashed potatoes SPEWED over a babbling brook with a hint of lemon. (Goes over and sits down on the bed.)
GIRL: (Sits up and looks at His House right in the face.) GET OFF MY BED! IT'S MY BED AND I PLAN TO SLEEP ON IT FOR ALL ETERNITY! (Goes back to sleep.)
HIS HOUSE: (Gets off the bed.) Okay then... FINE! Be that way! I hate you too! (Runs off crying.)
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(In the top story of the big garage.)
BEER: What are we doing here, and where is it, and why is it?
SOAPY: This is my secret hideout. I have been wondering if the Key of the Twilight Zone was in here like right there.
(The camera zooms up on everyone's face as they look in that direction with a look of surprise, hope, and worry... or some contorted expression if it is not possible. Then the camera looks in the corner where the mirrors are. A small plastic Buda sits on the floor.)
SOAPY: (Goes over and picks it up.) Who are you?
(The camera faces the table top or floor and slowly zooms up and zooms out as they talk.)
BUDA: I am the almighty BUDA otherwise known as the Key of the Twilight Zone.
SOAPY: What can the Key of the Twilight Zone do?
BUDA: To some I am a mere hunk of plastic, but to others I am a wise plastic Buddha that talks a lot, and when ever you see my face it is upside down or sideways, and never right side up. I also can carry out long boring conversations that will drive you insane if you listen to them. What do you think of me?
SOAPY: Well, I only spent five minutes looking for you so a mere hunk of WORTHLESS PLASTIC! (Throws across the room.) Who's up for a game of ping pong or air hockey?
HIS HOUSE: Well, there's something I have to do. I'll be back.
(Beer and Mamasita go to either side of the table and play air hockey without the air on which they stupidly forgot in their joy while Soapy goes and whoops at the side lines.)
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(In formally Nick's room, Girl is still laying on the bed.)
HIS HOUSE: I cannot resist the temptation to sit on your bed. (Goes over and sits on the bed.)
GIRL: I've had enough of you trying to steal my bed! Mommy, can you destroy this mean boy for me?
(In a shot from the door of the computer room to the door of formally Nick's room the sound of a dying pig can be heard, provided by Nick.)
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(Back in the top story of the garage, everyone is still whooping and playing air hockey when Lady Soapskum runs up the stairs.)
LADY SOAPSKUM: EVERYONE! (Everyone freezes.) There is a dying animal on the premises!
BEER: Mmmmmm... beer.
MAMASITA: There would always be something dying in such an advanced and big world as this. You probably killed off a few hundred ants on your way up here too.
LADY SOAPSKUM: I'm sorry. But what I heard was a dying pig.
MAMASITA: Oh, well. We all know who it was anyway.
BEER: So what do we do now?
LADY SOAPSKUM: I couldn't stand to see any more episodes after this since they were so boring, so really, I don't know what happens next.
MAMASITA: Probably just comes back to bother everyone again. Okay, I'm bored, and it's been over 20 minutes so I'm leaving.

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INTRODUCTION
(A sign comes up that says .Hash//Potatoes on it.)
NARRATOR: This particular show is based on .Hack//Legend of the Twilight Bracelet. The writer was just too lazy to come up with a more creative title. It is the second show of the Anime Backstage series. Enjoy!
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SHOW
(Chewy is standing outside of Nick�s �room� upstairs.)
CHEWY: Reena?
REENA: (Walks up the stairs.) Hey are you my big, cuddly, lovable, brother?
CHEWY: Reena?
REENA: Hey, Chewy!
CHEWY: REENA!
REENA: It�s been so long since I�ve see you, you kitty you! Really� you would make a great cat man if you had kitty ears, but no, we have to wear these stupid costumes that I won.
CHEWY: Reena�
REENA: Oh, don�t feel bad big brother. These costumes make a great story line� somehow� They�ll get us in a whole lot of trouble and all the great crap, so lets go!
CHEWY: LET�S GO! (Runs in random directions.)
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(In the �real world� four people sit around a desk with computers [or something that resembles computer] in front of them.)
IZZY: Look at that maniac running around. How the hell did he win the legendary costumes of� whoever those famous people were?
DUDE #2: Hey, you�re in front of a computer again! I remember on Digimon you were always in front of a computer.
IZZY: (Sadly) �We don�t talk about that anymore�
DUDE #3: I prefer your performance in the Cowboy Bebop series the best.
IZZY: Well, can we please focus on this storyline? Anyway, we�re going to attack those contest winners!
DUDE #2: Why?
IZZY: �I don�t know� Someone to test our M4D SkiLLz out on.
DUDE #3: WEEEEEEEEEEE! I LOVE MAKING THIS GAME MORE DANGEROUS THAN IT ALREADY IS!
DUDE #2: This game is a hell of a dangerous game. I�m surprised they still have players.
GIRL: I have a plan�
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(Back in the game world, Chewy is cuddling with a puppy [AKA Gizmo]. Reena is rolling her eyes at him.)
CHEWY: PUPPY!
REENA: Chewy� YUR DUMB!
SHIN: Looks like he could use some training.
REENA: Who are you?
SHIN: I�m the serious guy that makes up for all these other idiots who join up with you� Wait� have you joined up with Merll yet?
REENA: No.
SHIN: DAMN IT!
MERLL: (Dances into the scene.) I�m looking for rare items!
SHIN: (Bitch slaps her.) You missed your cue!
REENA: And what does anyone need with rare items when nearly everyone on this game uses modifications and hacks?
MERLL: (Rubs her bitch slapped cheek.) Well, I like to do things the good way.
REENA: No, you don�t! Your hair is modified! Who�s hair stays that perfect all the time?
MERLL: Uh� I like to have a big inventory?
REENA: Works for me.
SHIN: That dog over there is even modified. Isn�t that right Puppy?
(Chewy yells as the �puppy� turns into a woman with cat ears.)
PUPPY: (In a sexy way.) I just want to cuddle!
(Chewy yells again and hides behind Reena.)
REENA: Oh great, a hyper anime girl, a perverted puppy, and a serious guy to balance things out. We are set.
PUPPY: Isn�t our team just sexeh!
SHIN: And you and Chewy have� problems�
MERLL: Puppy�s not perverted! She�s just a babyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! (Cries)
REENA: Well, now that we have a pointless team. What do we do now?
PUPPY: Let�s go to the beach with hott guys!
REENA: Dude� only geeks and nerds play this game.
PUPPY: DREAMS! SHATTERED!
CHEWY: Let�s go! (Runs in a random direction.)
SHIN: (Sigh) Doesn�t he know we can teleport?
REENA: I guess not�
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(Outside Merll, Reena, Puppy, and Shin are standing in the backyard with the rocks in the background [AKA the beach]. Chewy runs up soon after.)
SHIN: Took you long enough.
CHEWY: REENA!
REENA: Hi, Chewy. (Hugs)
MERLL: It surprises me that they�re just brother and sister.
PUPPY: Even for me that�s creepy.
(Girl runs up with a ball and drops it in front of the team. She stands beside it.)
GIRL: Oops, it seems that I kicked my ball over here. Could one of you pick it up preferably Chewy or Reena?
(Reena goes over picks up the ball and hands it to Girl. Girl smiles and laughs evilly. Reena and Girl disappear.)
CHEWY: REENA!!! (Yells for a long time.)
(Shin bitch slaps Chewy, and Chewy shuts up.)
MERLL: Do you bitch slap everyone that pisses you off?
SHIN: Why bitch slapping is my special power.
MERLL: Is it a rare item! I want it! NEEEEEEEEED!
SHIN: (Slaps Merll) Shin powa!
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(In the ping-pong table room Bloop and Traitor stand in front of the mirror.)
TRAITOR: Lord Bloop, a player has mysteriously disappeared and gone into a coma in the real world. What do you plan on doing?
BLOOP: First of all, it�s not mysterious. It has happened many times before. Like with that� His House character we had a few years ago until something happened to him. I didn�t see the whole TV series. Second of all, I have been fired. Sizuki will be taking over from now on.
TRAITOR: Well, I better get to work on becoming her boy friend then.
BLOOP: What!?
TRAITOR: Nothing�
BLOOP: Oh, I just thought you were going to betray to me.
TRAITOR: �Nope�
BLOOP: Anyway, I�ll be moping around in the forest and playing Shougi with myself.
TRAITOR: Have fun!
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(Chewy, Shin, Merll, and Puppy are in the computer room [AKA the doghouse].)
SHIN: Wow, this doghouse of yours is bigger than it seems.
PUPPY: I like lots of room to do my� things�
SHIN: With Lady Sizuki rampaging through the city and deleting every modified character, no place is safe, not even this modified doghouse. I wonder why they haven�t noticed it yet.
CHEWY: Let�s go! (Runs outside)
MERLL: Chewy! Where are you going?
SHIN: Let him run. He�s probably trying to get his sister and I doubt she�s outside. We have to keep our heads, if we plan on finding her.
MERLL: Aren�t you worried he�ll get deleted?
SHIN: One less idiot on the team will be all the better for me.
TRAITOR: (Walks into the computer room.) I hear that you are trying to find the missing player.
SHIN: GAH! How did you find this place!
TRAITOR: As an administrator, I should know about everything, don�t you think? Besides, this modified doghouse kind of sticks out.
SHIN: I don�t trust you. The boyfriend of Lady Sizuki is not the best person to trust.
TRAITOR: (Blushes) We don�t talk about that, Shin� I suppose you won�t want this then. (Holds up a piece of paper.)
SHIN: I don�t want any paper! I have enough of that in the real world!
TRAITOR: Yes, but this paper is different. It has a list of areas under construction, and they are a good place to start looking for the missing player. Chewy�s bracelet should do nicely for getting you around.
SHIN: Why are you doing this?
TRAITOR: Let�s just say that my girlfriend is one insane bitch.
SHIN: Now that�s what I like to hear!
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COMMERCIALS
ASS: I�m going to save the world with mah Poke monsters! NUR!
MIST MENCH: I�m going to poke you! HA!
BROCILLI: I like girls�
ASS: Pee �n� Poo! I poke you!
BROCILLI: I really like girls�
NARRATOR: Introducing� Poke Monsters!
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NARRATOR: On the season finally of Joan of Arcadia� SATAN!!! FIRE!!! CLOWNS!!! And a really crappy �ending.� It�s more like an episode that belongs at the beginning of a series, but they stuck it at the end because they ran out of ideas. Stupid producers�
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NARRATOR: Now you can fill your cakes with pancakes, pudding, even mold with Chocolate Factories! Order in the next twenty-four hours, and you will get a free lawn mower. Be sure to ask about free potatoes! Order your Bo-flex today and start your future now!
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SHOW
(Outside in the backyard Chewy runs into the scene yelling �Reena.�)
SIZUKI: Stop in the name of the Serulian knights!
(Chewy stops running around like a maniac.)
SIZUKI: Prepare to be deleted for being a modified character!
SILVER MONKEY: (Standing on the porch.) Did somebody say JUSTICE!?
SIZUKI: No, and you will be deleted as well.
SILVER MONKEY: That is not my idea of justice!
CHEWY: (Runs back towards the house) REENA!
SILVER MONKEY: Justice is served!
SIZUKI: Is that all you do all day?
SILVER MONKEY: I eat danger and crap victory! (Hiles)
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(Back inside the computer room, Chewy runs in. Traitor is not there.)
SHIN: Chewy! We know where to find your sister.
CHEWY: REENA!
SHIN: Yes� that�s the one� Use your bracelet to teleport us to one of these under construction areas. Pick anyone. Either one you pick will lead us to Reena.
(Chewy stares at his bracelet.)
SHIN: Chewy! Your bracelet isn�t that pretty! Now stop staring at it, and use the damn thing!
CHEWY: (Looks like he�s about to cry. Puts his bracelet up into the air.) REENA!
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(In the upstairs of the garage, Shin, Chewy, Puppy, and Merll are standing on one side of it, and Ass is standing on the other.)
MERLL: Where are we?
PUPPY: Where are the guys?
CHEWY: Reena!?
SHIN: (Sighs) Who are you?
ASS: I am a wandering AS.
MERLL: What�s that?
SHIN: Artificial Stupidity. It happens when a Non-player goes insane.
ASS: I am not insane! I just have the impulse to kill everyone!
PUPPY: Ooooooooo! I played this game before! You can train your creature through a punishment and reward system!
SHIN: What are you talking about?
PUPPY: Shin, slap her when she does something bad!
SHIN: Ooooo! I like that idea!
(Ass starts to power up something when Shin slaps her.)
SHIN: I�m Rick James, BITCH!
CHEWY: REENA!
ASS: What�s he yelling about anyway?
SHIN: Don�t mind him. He�s just trying to find his sister Reena.
ASS: Well, he�s stupid because she�s standing right behind him.
(Shin pats Ass on the head.)
CHEWY: REENA!
REENA: CHEWY!
CHEWY: REENA!
REENA: CHEWY!
(This continues for a while at different pitches and tones.)
SHIN: Okay, shut up you two! How about we get out of here, Chewy?
(Chewy stares at his bracelet. Lady Sizuki and a few soldiers appear.)
SIZUKI: We are here to delete all of you!
SHIN: Wow, did you delete everyone else already?
SIZUKI: Yes, now we�re bored.
ASS: Well, it looks like I�ll have to kill us all then. There is no point to life now.
SHIN: You�re right. This game is my life after all. I have nothing to live for anymore.
PUPPY: All the guys are gone!? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
MERLL: You know there is another solution to this problem. We could always go back to the real world.
SHIN: OH YEAH! Forgot about that.
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(Back in the real world, Shin, Puppy, Chewy, Reena, Sizuki, and Traitor are playing Monopoly.)
SHIN: I wish I still had that wandering AS with me. She would have proved useful for DESTROYING ALL HUMANS!
REENA: (Is holding a glass of water.) And holding your drink.
SHIN: Hold my drink, bitch!
REENA: I am!
TRAITOR: Actually, most of the earth�s population played that game, and everyone was deleted and killed. Except for us.
SIZUKI: I told them not to modify their characters!
SHIN: That was one dangerous game. I�m kind of glad it�s gone.
TRAITOR: I�m kind of surprised that we never got sued.
SHIN: If you�re going to kill someone you have to take the whole population with you in order not to get sued. By the way, don�t you or Chewy ever have school, Reena?
TRAITOR: How could you possibly get to the topic of "school" out of "destroying all humans"?
REENA: School? What is school?
CHEWY: I ain�t got no learnin�.

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INTRODUCTION
(A sign comes up that says �Final Fantasy FOREVER!� on it.)
NARRATOR: This is Final Fantasy FOREVER! based on Final Fantasy Unlimited based on the Final Fantasy games series� What do they have� thirteen games or something? It will last FOREVER!
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SHOW
(You and I stand in front of the garage. I talks in a bored voice throughout the show.)
I: Look there�s the train station.
YOU: Yay! Let�s get on the freaky ghost train and rescue mom and dad!
I: How do we even know they need rescuing?
YOU: Don�t question my authority!
I: But aren�t I older than you?
YOU: Uh� SHUT UP!
I: Eeeeeeeeee!
(The big van pulls out of the garage.)
YOU: Look the ghost train! Let�s get on and go to spooky places!
(You and I get in the van.)
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(In the van You and I are sitting on a seat. Crazy sits behind them.)
CRAZY: HI!
I: Hello.
YOU: Who are you?
CRAZY: I�m Crazy!
YOU: I, she scares me.
I: What do you want?
CRAZY: Nothing really. I�m kind of just here as the parental figure until you find your parents.
I: How did you know about that?
CRAZY: The Clam Lady told me. The Clam Lady knows all. Look it�s your stop!
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(You, I, and Crazy are walking down the wooden stair case.)
I: Wow, our stop.
YOU: M-azing� Now let�s go look for our parents.
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(Outside in the backyard You, I, and Crazy are standing by the rocks.)
I: Hey, let�s go ask that man over there if he�s seen our parents.
YOU: Yeah! Everyone should know who are parents are in this big vast world.
CRAZY: With the trippy ghost train.
(You, I, and Crazy walk over to Mr. Windmill by the house. Mr. Windmill is wearing broken sunglasses.)
I: Excuse me, sir, but you haven�t seen our parents have you?
MR. WINDMILL: Who am I?
YOU: Uh� LOOK A GIANT MONSTER!
(A monster appears in the yard. The monster wearing something or has some kind of prop that makes it a monster.)
CRAZY: Don�t worry! I�ll get it.
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CRAZY INTRO
(Close up of Crazy�s face. She breathes in an out deeply and while making jiggly motions with her hands.)
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SHOW
(The monster is still in the yard, and everyone else is still in his or her places.)
CRAZY: Oh� I guess deep breathing doesn�t work with this kind of monster.
YOU: BUT I DON�T WANT TO DIE! (Cries)
MR. WINDMILL: Don�t worry! I�ll get it!
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MR. WINDMILL INTRO
(Records just Mr. Windmill.)
MR. WINDMILL: �It� moved. (Pulls a gun out of his cloak. Spins it around, and then, aims it at the monster.) My gun� has thawed. (He drops his gun to his side and points at the monster with his other hand.) The punishment for you has been decided! (Pulls a brown container off his belt and shows it to the camera.) Poop brown with dehydrating properties. (Loads it into the gun. Pulls a green container off of his belt and shows to camera.) Vomit green with� smelly properties. (Loads it into the gun. Pulls a yellow container off of his belt and shows the camera.) Banana yellow. Nobody likes banana! (Loads it into the gun and aims it at the monster. He shoots it.)
___________________________________________________
(In the yard, another monster appears, and the other monster and he battle it out while the conversation is going on.)
I: Another monster.
YOU: Why a monster?
MR. WINDMILL: Oh come on. Poop, vomit, and banana obviously make a monster.
CRAZY: Do you like banana?!
MR. WINDMILL: �Yes.
I: What do you have to do with this story anyway?
MR. WINDMILL: I�m the guy that balances out all the idiots in this show.
CRAZY: Are you saying I�m stupid?
MR. WINDMILL: Well, with all that heavy breathing you do to do nothing, you seem pretty stupid.
CRAZY: You throw crap, vomit, and bananas at people! Are you saying you�re sane!?
YOU: Yeah! And you need new sunglasses.
MR. WINDMILL: I can�t argue with that, but still. I�m pretty cool. (Poses) Now it is time for me to walk away all serious like. (Walks away all serious like.)
I: Wait! You never told us if you knew where our parents were.
MR. WINDMILL: Bye, bitch. (Leaves scene. The monsters disappear.)
I: Ooooooooo! Look a chicken! (Points at a giant bird on the scene.)
YOU: (Ticked off girl noise. The giant chicken is pulling her hair.) It�s messing up my hair. (Ticked off girl noise.)
I: (Picks up a feather off the ground and puts it in his hair.) Look at me! I�m sexeh! Hey, we�re going to miss the train.
YOU: How do you know that?
I: The Chicken told me.
YOU: You�re crazy.
CRAZY: No, it is about to leave.
YOU: How do you know?
CRAZY: The Clam Lady told me.
(You sighs. All head off towards the garage [Train station].)
___________________________________________________
(In the kitchen Queen, Fairy, Pipes, and Kitty are sitting at the table.)
QUEEN: This cake tastes like crap.
PIPES: It�s better than the fruit in fruit town. Just think of how unsanitary that must be! That�s as bad as the chocolate fountain in the real world.
QUEEN: Real world?
PIPES: Uh� nothing�
QUEEN: Something bothering you?
PIPES: I�m bored� Can we go kill someone? Killing is always fun.
QUEEN: (Sighs) If you insist, but only after my cooks make me something eatable to eat.
PIPES: That�s what you said last time, and they still haven�t made anything eatable!
QUEEN: Well, I�m pretty bored myself. All this tasting of food has made me feel� vicious. There are some new arrivals you could probably play with.
PIPES: What do they look like?
QUEEN: A girl, a boy, a giant chicken, and a parental figure.
PIPES: How fun.
QUEEN: There�s also another guy with broken sunglasses. He�s traveling alone though.
PIPES: That must suck traveling alone and without fully functional sunglasses.
QUEEN: Fairy!
FAIRY: (Walks up to the queen and salutes.) Kitty!
QUEEN: Go watch the fight and tell me what happens when you get back. You�re so good at telling stories!
FAIRY: Kitty!
KITTY: Stop yelling my name!
_____________________________________________________
COMMERCIALS
(At the mall)
RAVE: Look at mah mini sword. I�m going to kill you with it ha!
TOPIC: Well, I have bracelets that turn into claws like Wolverine on X-men!
VICTORIA: Pink powa!
NARRATOR: On a future episode of Anime Backstage, we discover what�s behind the scenes of Rave Masters on Ravers!
______________________________________________________
(Downstairs Opera is standing in front of the TV while everyone else is sitting on couches and chairs.)
OPERA: Now I want everyone to look under their seats.
EVERONE: (Look under seats.) YAY, NEW CARS!
_______________________________________________________
(Dubbed scenes from Metropolis.)
PIGTAILS: I just ate five kilos of weed man!
CLOWN: She�s making fifty gallons of meth an hour!
GIRL: I just lost 2000 pounds on the slim fast diet!
HARRY POTHEAD: I want to be drug lord now! You�ve had it for five minutes!
NARRATOR: We drug Metropolis on Drugs of Metropolis.
________________________________________________________
(I, You, Chicken, and Crazy are standing in front of the garage. Mr. Windmill is standing farther away. Pipes is standing off to the side with Fairy.)
I: Look, its Mr. Windmill.
YOU: Mr. Windmill?
I: The guy that spins his gun around like a windmill you know?
CRAZY: That�s a special name, I. Special EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD NUR!
PIPES: Well, you must be the traveling family?
CRAZY: Family? Hardly� These kids are so different, I wouldn�t even recognize them as brother and sister let alone twins. As for me, I�m just here as a parental figure with this chicken.
PIPES: Interesting� NOW YOU WILL DIE!
CRAZY: NEVER!
_______________________________________________________
CRAZY INTRO
_______________________________________________________
SHOW
CRAZY: Damn. That didn�t work for him either.
PIPES: I do very little breathing. I spend most of my time smoking.
YOU: Yur dumb!
_______________________________________________________
MR. WINDMILL INTRO
MR. WINDMILL: White cream. The fluffiest substance known to man! Red tropical fruits made by Coolaid! And finally hot pink! The hottest color ever! (Doesn�t shoot gun)
_______________________________________________________
SHOW
PIPES: THE COLORS! They�re so cute! Must retreat from the horrible cuteness! (Runs off scene. Fairy follows.)
YOU: How did you know he wouldn�t like that?
MR. WINDMILL: The Clam Lady told me.
I: What kind of gun is that exactly?
MR. WINDMILL: It�s my gun!!! Mine!
YOU: Okay� Everyone seems to report to this �Clam Lady.� When do we meet her?
MR. WINDMILL: How about right now!?
_______________________________________________________
(In the top floor of the garage, You is standing on one side, and Clam Lady is standing on the other.)
CLAM LADY: Welcome to my clam. I am here to give you guidance about Final Fantasy� forever.
YOU: Oooooooooo pearls!
CLAM LADY: Would you like one? Each pearl has a puppy inside.
YOU: (Touches a pearl. Gizmo appears) GIZMO! (Pets)
CLAM LADY: Gizmo will help you on your journey.
YOU: Hey, if you�re supposed to give me guidance forever, then how come this is the only time I�ve ever seen you and probably will ever see you?
CLAM LADY: �Goodbye.
________________________________________________________
(Back in front of the garage, You, Chicken, Gizmo, Crazy, and I are standing in a clump.)
YOU: Well that was stupid.
CRAZY: At least we have GIZMO! (Pets) And� this bird.
I: The bird tells us when the train leaves. It has a purpose.
CRAZY: Not anymore! We just missed the train.
I: Damn you, Chicken!
(Chicken makes a sad noise.)
_________________________________________________________
(Back in the kitchen, Queen and Kitty are sitting at the table. Pipes is sitting in the corner. Fairy is standing in front of Queen.)
FAIRY: Kitty!
QUEEN: Wow, your descriptions of fights just get better and better!
PIPES: That guy is so mean! (Cries)
QUEEN: (Takes a bite of food off the plate.) This shit tastes like shit!
PIPES: What a surprise.
KITTY: You could always send me. I was the one to break his sunglasses, you know.
QUEEN: Oh! But you�re so cute! You�re like a kitty, Kitty! What will I have to look at and squeak about while you�re gone?
KITTY: You could always use Pipes. He�s quite charming with all his� smoking.
PIPES: Smoking makes me happy!
QUEEN: I�d rather not watch Pipes. Fairy, be sure and bring back a good story.
FAIRY: Kitty! (Salutes)
(Kitty glances at Pipes and cringes. He starts walking towards the door and Fairy follows.)
__________________________________________________________
(Back in front of the garage, You, Chicken, Gizmo, Crazy, and I are standing in a clump still wondering what to do. Mr. Windmill and Kitty are standing in a field across from them fighting.)
I: We could always ask someone if they�ve seen our parents. We haven�t done that here yet.
YOU: Yeah, but that�s boring. This show kind of misses the point of looking for our parents anyway.
CRAZY: Now what do we do?
YOU: Uh� LOOK A GIANT MONSTER!
CRAZY: I�ll get it!
I: No, that�s okay. Mr. Windmill has everything under control just watch him.
___________________________________________________________
MR. WINDMILL INTRO
MR. WINDMILL: (Intro) The punishment for you has been decided! (Gets shot)
__________________________________________________________
(Back in front of the garage.)
CRAZY: Still confident in him winning?
I: No, but I�m not confident in you winning either.
CRAZY: Aww�
YOU: Oh! Look at the kitty man! He�s so cute!
_____________________________________________________________
PREVIEWS
(In the garage, the Clam Lady is facing the camera.)
CLAM LADY: I prophesize� I don�t know. My brain is full of clams and Gizmos! Look at all them! They�re so cute! However, on the next episode I will give you guidance� forever. Only the next episode though� Not this one.

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INTRODUCTION
(A sign comes up that says �Ravers� on it.)
NARRATOR: Welcome back to another stupidity filled episode of Anime Backstage. Today we have the heart filled story about the Ravers titled coincidentally �Ravers.� This show is based on the crappy kids series Rave Masters. Everyone swings around mini swords, and they rant and rave about crap. One final word before you see the episode. The writer only saw one episode of Rave Masters, so most of what you see in this show never happened in the series� I hope� Most of what you will see was plucked out of the mind of a fish that was forced to breath air. In other words� brain matter� On to the show.
_______________________________________________
SHOW
(Grandpa is lying down on his death bed in a bedroom. Rave runs down the hall past his room.)
GRANDPA: Rave, come here.
RAVE: (Looks in the door.) What? I want to go to the mall, so hurry up.
GRANDPA: (Pulls a mini sword out from under his pillow.) Take this. (Rave takes it from him.) It is a sword used only by Ravers.
RAVE: (Examines mini sword.) What�s this piece of crap? I want a katana!
GRANDPA: It�s very powerful. I swear.
RAVE: Whatever. (Puts it in his pocket.) Say, what else you got under that pillow.
GRANDPA: Oh, some money, a house, and some potato chips. You�ll inherit it all when I die in a few seconds. (Makes death noise.)
RAVE: COOL! Ok, bye grandpa!
_______________________________________________
(At the mall Rant is dancing around the fountain.)
RAVE: You seem� happy.
RANT: No! I�m actually really sad. My name is Rant. I love to dance it makes me feel like flying away!
RAVE: I�m Rave. Why are you sad?
RANT: I am a professional maker of Raver swords, and I have been imprisoned to make these swords for all eternity!
RAVE: That sucks, but you don�t seem very� imprisoned right now.
RANT: Well� I� uh� escaped, but I�m going back like� right now.
RAVE: Where is this� prison of yours.
RANT: It�s at the one place where Ravers hang out. RAVE!
RAVE: Cool! I love that store. I didn�t know they had a prison in it though.
RANT: You must be a Raver! Cool! Let�s go!
RAVE: Hey, you�re all happy now. What�s up with that?
RANT: Oh, my medicine is kicking in. Let�s go.
________________________________________________
(In front of Hot Topic Hott and Topic are standing in front of it. Both of them are wearing gothic clothes and spike bracelets. Rant and Rave are walking by.)
TOPIC: Stop in the name of Satan!
(Rant and Rave stop and grunt curiously.)
HOTT: I am Hott.
TOPIC: And I am Topic.
RANT: Rant and Rave.
TOPIC: You must be Ravers.
RAVE: You must be the Hot Topic� ers�
HOTT: That is correct. We are enemies, so that calls for a random battle!
RAVE: Cool!
GUARD: STOP! (Jumps in between the two groups. Then, looks at Rant.) Why aren�t you making mini swords? I told you not to come out here. It�s too dangerous for you. Come lets go back to the Rave Cave.
(Guard, Rant, and Rave leave towards the Rave store.)
___________________________________________________
(Rant, the guard, and Rave are standing in the opening of the Rave store.)
RAVE: Wow. I didn�t know you had your own guards.
RANT: Well, I�m one of the few mini sword makers in the world, so my life is very important. (Guard whispers something in her ear.) So important that� I can no longer talk to you.
(The guard and Rant leave towards the back of the store.)
RAVE: Well, that�s stupid. (Leaves the store.)
____________________________________________________
COMMERCIALS
(Bibi and Evil Dude are sitting at a table playing 21.)
BIBI: Ha! A King and a Jack! (Slams cards down in front of him.) Beat that Evil Dude!
EVIL DUDE: (Laughs maniacally.) An ace and a queen! You lost Bibi, and now your life is OVA!
BIBI: Noooooooooooooooooooooo!
NARRATOR: On a future episode of Anime Backstage, we kill Yu-Gi-Oh!
_____________________________________________________
(Woman is sitting at a table staring at the camera.)
NARRATOR: Do you find Adult Swims constant change of shows too much? Do you find them inappropriate and offensive to any viewer? Do you want to watch high quality shows like Fullmetal Alchemist every time you turn on your TV?
WOMAN: (High pitched voice.) Mmhmm!
NARRATOR: Well, now you can! Just join the Adults Against Adult Swim�s Shows foundation otherwise known as AAASS. You can replace Super Milk Chan with any anime of your choice for a large fee. Join AAASS now!
_____________________________________________________
SHOW
(Rave is standing in front of Victoria�s Secret. Victoria and Secret are standing behind him. They are wearing pink.)
RAVE: (Emphasizes the �P�s�.) I always hated that Pink Palace of PINK! I wonder why I�m standing in front of it.
VICTORIA: We are the reason.
RAVE: (Turns around.) Oh� hello. Why were you standing behind me, and who are you?
SECRET: I stand behind you to be� MYSTERIOUS!
VICTORIA: I am Victoria and this is Secret.
RAVE: You must the Victoria�s Secreters!
VICTORIA: No, we prefer to be called the Victoria�s. That �er� sound just sounds so retarded. ER ER ER!!! NER!
RAVE: Are you saying the Ravers and Hot Topicers are retarded?
SECRET: No, if we said that the Hot Topicers would be putting a pint of our blood in their drinks at dawn every day.
RAVE: So, you both shop at Victoria�s Secret?
SECRET: Sure do, girlfriend!
RAVE: But you�re a guy.
SECRET: Uh� um� tough guys wear pink!
RAVE: Mmmhmm...
VICTORIA: You never told us your name.
RAVE: It�s Rave.
VICTORIA: Ah. A Raver eh? We are sworn enemies to the Ravers!
RAVE: Doesn�t Rave have any allies?
VICTORIA: No store does. We are all sworn enemies to each other. Haven�t you seen all the fights that break out in this place?
RAVE: �No.
VICTORIA: Well, they DO! THEY� DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
(Rave backs away.)
SECRET: Well, you�ve probably met the Hot Topicers. How about we have a big battle this afternoon? I�ll invite the Hot Topicers.
VICTORIA: We�ll meet by the fountain in one hour, girlfriend!
RAVE: I�ll bring mashed potatoes!
____________________________________________________
(Rave is back at the Rave store talking to the guard.)
RAVE: I NEED to SEE Rant!
GUARD: Well, she�s busy making swords, ya know.
RAVE: Yeah, I know, but this is important.
GUARD: NOTHING IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN MAKING SWORDS!
RAVE: Aww� Not even monkeys?
GUARD: NOOOOOOO!
_____________________________________________________
(Rave is sitting at a chair by the fountain looking sad. Rant is dancing around the fountain.)
RAVE: (Notices Rant.) HEY RANT!
RANT: Oh, it�s you again.
RAVE: I thought you were making swords.
RANT: WUZ! The guards suck a guarding, so it�s quite easy to get out.
RAVE: The Victoria�s and the Hot Topicers have challenged us to a battle. They will be coming here in about an hour.
RANT: Cool!
RAVE: I know! It�s like, dude!
RANT: Dude!
______________________________________________________
(Rave, Rant, Guard, Hott, Topic, Victoria, and Secret are standing in a wide circle. The groups are grouped together and a long empty space is in between each� in a circle.)
NARRATOR: One hour later.
RAVE: Now we will fight! Ha ha!
TOPIC: Your asses are ours! Ha ha!
SECRET: Now we do introductions! Ha ha!
RAVE, RANT, GUARD: (Pull mini swords out of their pockets.) Raver�s sword!
HOTT, TOPIC: (Pull spike bracelets down onto their knuckles.) Poky knuckles!
VICTORIA, SECRET: (Grow long fingernails.) Victoria�s Secret claws!
RAVE: Secret, that�s nasty, and tough guys don�t wear pink. Gay guys do.
SECRET: You�re so mean!
RAVE: Hey, you know what I just noticed!?
RANT: What?
RAVE: Every group has exactly one guy and one girl.
TOPIC: It�s just to balance things out. There�s no deep plot behind it.
RANT: What about your grandpa though, Rave?
RAVE: How did you know about him?
RANT: I met him backstage.
RAVE: Oh. Well, he�s dead, so he doesn�t count.
VICTORIA: What about your little guard there, Rant?
RANT: (Moves her eyes to look behind her at the guard. She looks forward again and then stabs him quickly in the shoulder with her mini sword without looking. The guard makes and death noise and falls down. Rant never moves her head.) He�s dead too, so he doesn�t count either.
HOTT: Now we have a perfectly sex balanced episode.
VICTORIA: Now we fight!
SECURITY: I�m afraid you can�t do that.
HOTT: Why not?
SECURITY: It�s against the law to fight in the mall. You can�t fight anywhere really.
RANT: Well, last time I checked the law said that it was lawful to fight anywhere.
SECURITY: And how long ago was that?
RANT: Back in 17 shifty five.
SECURITY: It�s (current year).
RANT: WHAT?
VICTORIA: Oh my god!
RAVE: OMG! OFQ! LOL! FU!
(Everyone freaks out except for Hott, Topic, and Security.)
TOPIC: It�s seems that our pint of blood at dawn has made us immortal. I�ve lost track of time.
HOTT: Life is cheap. This calls for another round if Invader Zim at Hot Topic lets go.
(Hott and Topic leave the scene.)
RAVE: Wait everyone! (Everyone stops fighting.) That security guard is ruining our perfectly sex balanced episode! Get him!
___________________________________________________
(Security is shown lying on the floor. The camera slowly zooms in on his eye and then the scene ends.)
___________________________________________________
(Back at the Rave store. Rave is walking towards a guard.)
RAVE: Excuse me. Before I kill you, do you know where Rant is?
GUARD: Rant�s dead.
RAVE: What!?
GUARD: It appears that she died of� CANCER.
RAVE: But she didn�t have cancer.
GUARD: �Shut up. She�s dead and that�s all that matters.
RAVE: Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo! Whatever�

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INTRODUCTION
(A sign comes up that says �i-CRY-ded� on it.)
NARRATOR: You are watching Anime Backstage, and today we have a very special� ed show for you today. It�s called i-CRY-ded a parody of the show s-CRY-ed, and no, I don�t know how to pronounce it and no, I don�t know why it�s called that. S-CRY-ed is an okay show. I like it, but then again, Final Fantasy Unlimited was a pretty good show too.
___________________________________________
SHOW
(Outside Bad and Kool are facing each other in fighting stance. User is sitting on his mini bike off to the side on Kool�s side.)
BAD: Hahaha! I�m going to beat you with my super cool Change power!
____________________________________________
(A giant football is now by Bad�s side.)
BAD: Ha! Beat that you mortal!
KOOL: A football? I�m shaking in my boots.
BAD: But you�re not wearing boots�
KOOL: Oh�
USER: Come on, Kool! Show him your super cool Change power!
BAD: What? A naive Changer?
____________________________________________
(Kool now has cardboard around his arm and three half-moon shaped pieces of cardboard taped to his back.)
KOOL: Now I will show you my power!
____________________________________________
Kool Intro 1
KOOL: Destructive first bullet! (As he says this he brings his arm back into a horribly formed punch and then, brings it back forward.)
____________________________________________
(Bad is cringing, and the giant football is gone. One of Kool�s half-moon shaped pieces of cardboard are gone.)
KOOL: Now you�re Changer has been destroyed! Now I will destroy you!
____________________________________________
Kool Intro 2
KOOL: Explosive second bullet! (As he says this he brings his arm back into a horribly formed punch and then, brings it back forward.)
____________________________________________
(Bad is still cringing. Another of Kool�s half-moon shaped pieces of cardboard is gone.)
KOOL: Damn I missed.
____________________________________________
Kool Intro 3
KOOL: Implosive third bullet! (As he says this he brings his arm back into a horribly formed punch and then, brings it back forward.)
____________________________________________
(Bad has disappeared, and all of Kool�s cardboard has disappeared.)
USER: Nice job, Kool! You magically get them good every time.
KOOL: Yeah! Five hundred yen for us!
USER: Yeah, about that. You wouldn�t mind giving it all to me would you? Come on, I�ll keep it safe.
KOOL: Well, okay.
POLICE MAN: You, stop right there!
USER: Well, see you Kool! (Rides off on his mini bike.)
POLICE MAN: (Walks up to Kool.) You have destroyed half the city fighting Bad. You will have to pay off the fines with community service.
KOOL: But� I got rid of Bad. You wanted him gone.
POLICE MAN: That�s just what the Police STATION wants. I want you to do community service.
KOOL: Aww�
(Police Man rides off on his mini bike. Lala walks up to Kool.)
LALA: Hello, Kool.
KOOL: What are you doing here, Lala?
LALA: I�m here to offer you a place to work off your fines.
KOOL: You were here the whole time?
LALA: I�m always watching� Anyway, you�ll pay off all these fines in no time at the place I have for you to work.
____________________________________________
(Lala and Kool are standing outside the front door. Parent is standing inside the door to the house.)
PARENT: We always need new workers! HE�LL NEVER LEAVE!
LALA: Why not?
PARENT: I lose most workers that way. Kool, you�ll be banging your hammer over there. (Points in a random direction.)
KOOL: (Walks towards the place where Parent pointed and bangs his hammer once.) I�m hungry!
PARENT: TOO BAD! When workers say they�re going to go and eat, they go and run off instead!
KOOL: So I can�t eat?
PARENT: NO!
(User rides up to the front door on his mini bike.)
USER: Excuse me, Miss Parent, but can I borrow Kool for a little bit?
PARENT: (Sweetly) Of course you can dear.
(Parent and Lala go into the house and close the door behind them.)
KOOL: (Bangs hammer.) I�m hungry. (Bangs hammer.) I�m tired! (Bangs hammer.) My arm�s going to fall off!
USER: Kool, I have another job for you. This job brings in 1000 yen!
KOOL: One thousand yen! That�s like� ten dollars!
USER: I know! You have to do it!
KOOL: I will. I just need to go inside and see if Parent will let me go.
(Kool and User walk towards the house and open the front door. Inside Lala is lying on the floor.)
KOOL: What happened to her!?
USER: When in doubt, state the obvious.
KOOL: Well, it looks like she�s unconscious.
PARENT: (Pops head out from behind corner.) Oh she�ll be fine! She�s just unconscious. (Leaves)
KOOL: That giant medical tank is coming this way today. Maybe we can load her onto your mini bike, and bring her over there where a professional can look at her.
USER: But we have a professional right in town! We don�t need to break the law just for your stupid sister.
KOOL: Oh, we do. We DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
USER: All right, but do you mind if we do some other things while we�re there? Conveniently enough that�s where the enemy Changer is.
KOOL: Well, as long as it is there or on the way.
_____________________________________________
(In the big van random people are tied up with Miss Kitty in the back. User and Kool are standing in the front. Lala is lying on the seat in front of them.)
KOOL: Ha! That was easy!
USER: Yeah. Hurry up your sister is dying.
KOOL: Oh yeah! (Goes to the back and pokes Miss Kitty.) Could you help my sister, Lala?
MISS KITTY: Yes, but you didn�t need to tie up everyone in this medical tank in order to make me help you.
KOOL: Oh� (Unties her and both of them walk back to the front and look at Lala.)
MISS KITTY: She isn�t sick.
KOOL: What? But she�s unconscious!
MISS KITTY: Oh, she�s just unconscious! It�ll pass!
KOOL: But there is always a reason for someone to be unconscious!
MISS KITTY: It seems that she stood up too fast.
USER: That�s one extreme case of standing up too fast.
MISS KITTY: Yes, but she�ll be fine.
USER: Can you go fight that enemy Changer now, Kool?
KOOL: YEEEEEEEAAAAAAAH!
______________________________________________
COMMERCIALS
(Shows scenes from Nick�s version of Metropolis.)
NARRATOR: Coming soon to The House of Crap Website in script form and downloadable from MSN.
______________________________________________
(Shows scenes from the badly translated version of Yu Yu Hakusho.)
YUSKE: Camel! Yuske! Catch me! Oh, my god! How far!
BOTAN: Oh, my god! Leave me!
NARRATOR: A future episode of Anime Backstage based on the badly translated version of Yu Yu Hakusho.
______________________________________________
SHOW
(Outside the big van Kool and Ball and facing one another in fighting stance.)
BALL: You�ll never defeat my balls!
______________________________________________
(Ball now has random balls lying around him and he is holding a few.)
KOOL: Dude you�re nasty.
BALL: You�re nasty for thinking that way.
KOOL: Well, keep those balls in your pants then.
BALL: All right! That�s enough out of you!
______________________________________________
(Ball now has one of those sticks that you move back and forth and they make noises in his hands. Kool has his cardboard on. Ball swings the stick around aggressively.)
______________________________________________
Kool Intro 1
______________________________________________
(Ball�s stick is now gone. One of Kool�s half moon cardboard pieces is gone.)
BALL: You destroyed my Changer! You have put a fear in me so great that I faint. (Falls down.)
KOOL: Well, that was easy.
USER: (Yells from van.) Hey, Kool! Lala is awake!
KOOL: Yay! (Goes to van.)
______________________________________________
(In the van Kool, User, and Miss Kitty are standing around Lala who is lying on a bench. Kool no longer has his cardboard on.)
KOOL: What happened Lala?
LALA: I don�t know. I was asleep.
KOOL: Oh yeah. What happened User?
USER: You� beat� Ball�
KOOL: Oh yeah! Now what do we do?
USER: Well, you have to go back, and do more community service. And you have to do even more now that you destroyed another city.
KOOL: Damn! Even when I�m fighting in the middle of nowhere, I still end up destroying something!
USER: I can keep your money safe if you want.
KOOL: Well, you buying all these new cars and mini bikes and stuff is kind of suspicious, but OK!
USER: Hey! I�m a mortal. I need cars to get around. All you have to do is punch the ground, and you can fly across an entire city. You don�t need money--I mean cars!
KOOL: All right, you can keep the money.
USER: I�ll call on you again later this afternoon back at your work again.
_____________________________________________
(Back at Kool�s workplace, he is banging on the ground with a hammer. User walks up to him.)
USER: We have another job.
KOOL: There have been a lot of evil Changer Users around lately. Do you know why?
USER: Holy Jesus wants to kill all the Na�ve Changer Users around here.
KOOL: Why?
USER: I have two guesses. Number one: He has plans for world domination or number two: he thinks Na�ve Changer Users are too dangerous. I�m going with option number two.
KOOL: I�m not dangerous! Why are you picking option number two?!
USER: You�re pretty dangerous considering you�ve destroyed two cities, and who would think that a man with the name of Holy Jesus has plans for world domination.
KOOL: I killed two Changer Users in the process!
USER: And several million bystanders that have nothing to do with our business.
KOOL: Okay, fine! I�m not doing anymore of your jobs if I�m just going to be killing millions of people for one guy.
USER: But this next job will get us 2000 yen!
KOOL: 2000 yen! That�s like $20!
USER: I know, and you have to do it so I can buy a new mini bike. Some Changer User turned my other one into water.
KOOL: What was that?
USER: I said you have to do it so I can buy us some food.
KOOL: YAY FOOD! I just remembered that I haven�t eaten in three days! So� who is dis clown!?
USER: I already told you! Holy Jesus!
KOOL: But I thought he was a Holy Man. He wouldn�t do anything to me.
USER: You�re a Changer User. He�s trying to kill you remember? I need you to mooch off of--I mean kill evil Changer Users.
_____________________________________________
(In the field Kool and Holy Jesus are facing each other. Kool has his cardboard on and Holy Jesus has Changer by his side.)
HOLY JESUS: I remember you.
KOOL: I don�t.
HOLY JESUS: You don�t remember yourself?
KOOL: Nope.
HOLY JESUS: Wait. Just forget about that. Do you remember when we met?
KOOL: Who are you again?
HOLY JESUS: Argh! How could you possibly be the one to have defeated two of my Changer Users? I�m going to tell you a story now. How about that?
KOOL: Yay!!! (Sits down)
______________________________________________
(In a bedroom Ball is sitting on the bed with his arm setting on something in a cast. Miss Kitty comes into the room.)
BALL: Kitty!
MISS KITTY: Yeah, that�s my last name. You gave Holy Jesus quite a scare when you came in. What happened?
BALL: That na�ve Changer! He defeated my balls!
MISS KITTY: Can�t you call them something else like spheres or something?
BALL: But I can�t even spell sphere. S-F-E-E-R.
MISS KITTY: You can�t spell balls either though.
BALL: Curse that na�ve Changer for impairing my spelling ability and scaring the crap out of me!
MISS KITTY: Holy Jesus is taking care of him as we speak.
BALL: No! I�m going to kill him, or I�ll go insane! Didn�t you hear my maniac like laughter earlier?
MISS KITTY: I thought you were just going insane from not being able to lie down properly because of your arm being propped up like that.
BALL: Well, that too, and have you noticed that you didn�t give me a blanket? You make me sick! No wonder I�m going insane! I�m going to kill that na�ve Changer and avenge my saneness!
________________________________________________
(Back in the field Kool is still sitting on the ground listening to Holy Jesus.)
HOLY JESUS: And that�s the story of Noah�s Arc!
KOOL: Yay!
HOLY JESUS: Now we fight!
KOOL: Aww� I want to hear another.
HOLY JESUS: Oh all right. It makes me so happy that someone actually wants to hear these old brainwashing stories of God. I like you, Kool. I think I�ll spare you of my horrible killing spree.
KOOL: Yay!
BALL: (Walks onto the scene.) Not so fast Holy Jesus!
HOLY JESUS: Ball! You�re all right. Meet my new friend, Kool.
BALL: He�s not your friend you Holy Idiot. He�s the one that put me in that HORRIBLE hospital that didn�t give me a good sling or blanket. All they gave me was a loaf of bread every day you know! From Subway! I like Subway, Holy Jesus! Can you imagine how painful it was to find no Cheddar cheese in that bread?
HOLY JESUS: Well, you don�t like the teachings of Christ, so you don�t matter!
BALL: We�ll all die then! (Drags out �Brenda.�) Goodbye, Brenda!
(Camera slowly zooms up on Ball�s face as he says this and goes off when he�s done.)

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