Some Theatre Jokes

March 28, 1999

Theatrical Structure

Producer:

Leaps tall buildings in a single bound.

Is more powerful than a locomotive.

Is faster than a speeding bullet.

Walks on water.

Gives policy to God.

Director:

Leaps short buildings in a single bound.

Is more powerful than a switch engine.

Is just as fast as a speeding bullet.

Walks on water if the sea is calm.

Talks with God.

Playwright:

Leaps short buildings with a running start.

Is almost as powerful as a switch engine.

Is faster than a speeding BB.

Swims well.

Is occasionally addressed by God.

Actor:

Makes high marks on the wall when trying to leap buildings.

Is run over by locomotives.

Can sometimes handle a gun without inflicting self-injury.

Dog paddles.

Talks to animals.

Chorus:

Falls over doorsteps when trying to enter buildings.

Says "Look at the choo-choo."

Wets himself with a water pistol.

Plays in mud puddles.

Mumbles to himself.

Stage Manager

Lifts buildings and walks under them.

Kicks locomotives off the track.

Catches speeding bullets in his/her teeth and eats them.

Freezes water with a single glance.

IS GOD.

Theatrical Logic

Principles For the Actor

• Do not listen to your fellow actors (it will only throw you).
• Hold for all laughs -- if you don't get it, repeat line louder (face front if necessary, or laugh at it yourself).
• Tension gets results.
• Emotion is like an orange, you must squeeze it to get the juice.
• A performance, like concrete, should be molded then set.
• Your first responsibility as an actor is to find the light.
• Do not look at your partner -- You may not see what you want.
• Always be specific, point to what you are talking about.
• If a line isn't working for you, change it.
• Cultivate an attitude of hostility. (NO MORE MISTER NICE GUY)
• Stage Managers are not actors -- Ignore them.
• Never be afraid to ad-lib to get attention.
• Mistakes are never your fault.
• Always find something to bitch about, no matter how small or insignificant.
• Never arrive on time.
• Never carry make-up; someone will always have what you need.
• Help Stage Managers keep alert by not signing in.
• Never help understudies (why should they steal your business?).
• Help your fellow actors by giving notes whenever you feel it's necessary. (If they ignore you, report them to the Stage Manager.)
• Whenever possible, give them notes immediately before they go on -- it will be fresher that way.
• Speak your lines as if the audience had difficulty understanding the language.
• Keep other performers on their toes by making fun of their performance.
• Play the reality -- be aware of the audience.
• The key advantage is surprise -- don't let actors know what you're going to do.
• The difference between amateur and pro is that the pro does exactly the same thing for money.
• Create your character -- find your own costume.
• Never change anything that's working, no matter how wrong or phony it may seem.
• When in doubt about an ad-lib, go "Whoo!"
• Even if a piece of schtick doesn't work, keep using it.

Signs You've Been in the Theatre Too Much

• Your weekend consists of Monday, and only Monday.
• "Q" is not just a letter.
• National holidays that fall on Monday seem pointless to you.
• You know more than one theory for the origin of the name "green room."
• You can only read from a light that is blue.
• You consider the red part of the stoplight the "standby."
• You can't remember what daylight looks like.
• You feel naked without your keys attached to your belt loop, or your belt without your Maglite, Leatherman, and Gerber.
• You know tie-line has several uses---shoelaces, belts, ponytail holders...
• 95% of your wardrobe is black.
• You watch the Super Bowl, waiting for intermission, not half-time.
• You tell more stories of what went wrong on shows you've done than what went smoothly.
• You start wondering what it feels like to be a prop.
• You know anything can be fixed with gaff tape, Mortite, sculpt-er-coat, a sharpie, tie-line, and a safety pin.
• Your diet consists of fast food or microwaved food.
• Your Halloween costume in some way utilizes running blacks and gaff tape.
• Varying your diet means ordering the #2 instead of the #3 or eating with your left hand instead of your right.
• You understand the jokes in Forbidden Broadway.
• You insist on spelling "theatre" with an "re" not an "er".
• People recognize you by the sound of your keys jingling down the hallway.
• Going to a restaurant means ordering and sitting down in McDonald's rather than the drive-thru.
• You'd heard of Mandy Patinkin before he was on Chicago Hope.
• "Practical," "Drop," and "flat" are nouns.
• Instead of saying that you're leaving, you say you're "exiting."
• At home, you "strike" your dishes to the kitchen.
• If someone asks you what time it is, you respond with something like, "Half hour 'til half hour."

Good News, Bad News

Two stage managers, nearing the ends of their careers, were discussing the likelihood of there being some form of theatrical endeavor in the hereafter. The first consulted a friendly medium. Later the following exchange took place between the two stage managers:

SM1: "I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that there is a wonderful theatre in heaven -- well equipped, spacious, plenty of wing space. In fact, there's a show opening tomorrow night."

SM2: "That's wonderful! So what's the bad news?"

SM1: "You're calling the show."

The Perfect Blackout

An old stage manager arrived at the Pearly Gates. As a reward for years of patience, discretion, and endeavour, St. Peter granted him a single wish.

"I've never seen a perfect blackout -- can that be arranged?" he asked.

St. Peter snapped his fingers, and the darkness descended. There was not a hint of spill from worklights or prompt corner. There was total silence, not a whisper, not a footstep, not a pin drop -- just complete silence and total darkness. It lasted 18 seconds.

When the lights came up again, St. Peter was gone and the Pearly Gates had been struck.

Breaktime

Q: Why don't they give stage managers breaks?

A: Because it's too hard to re-train them.

Pencils

Q: How many pencils does a stage manager have?

A: One. They can draw another one out of their hair if they lose it.

A: None. They can never find their light.

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The Experiment

A reknowned research institution undertakes to document the spatial-cognitive processes of intellectuals in various professions. They recruit an architect, a surgeon, and a props manager. They construct three isolation booths, completely sealed off from external interactions or stimuli. They place one guy in each booth, and give each one a set of three perfectly-matched steel balls, about three inches in diameter each. They seal the booths and return in one week.

The architect has constructed a geometrically-perfect pyramid with the balls, yielding insights into stress dynamics and materials tension. The surgeon has placed the balls in a formation that hints at the nature of the unexplored regions of the human genome, solving some fundamental questions involving genetics and DNA.

When the props manager's booth is opened, the interior is a shambles and there are no balls to be found. Upon inquiry, the props guy says, "Okay, okay. I admit I DID lose the first ball. But I SWEAR I don't know what happened to the second one, and besides, you only gave me two balls to begin with!"

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You know...I worked in the theatre for five years before I learned that "F***ing Electricians" was really TWO words.

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Follow this link to "The Techie Gospel"

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The Three Dollar's Theatre.
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� 1999 [email protected]

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