A hockey retirement home for all

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(CHRISTOFFUS) -- Philadelphia struggles to cling to the title of oldest hockey team in the NHL. What are Bob Clarke's plans for the future?

In the wake of another trade the Philadelphia Flyers remain the oldest in the world. With many Flyers in their thirties it doesn't look like there is going to be very many Stanley Cups in the club's future.

General manager Bobby Clarke traded some of his young players last week, including John “Silent Bob” Sim, in an effort to keep his team's mean age more than twenty-nine.

“If we have too many young kids there will be a power struggle,” said Clarke, “the older players will try to out-do the younger one's and hurt themselves.”

This year alone there have been more Flyer injuries than any other year since the beginning of time. “It's incredible, there have never been so many old guys, or injuries for that matter, on a hockey team since hockey started,” stated Professor Jakhoff of the University of Penn.

“In all my years as a doctor I have seen more Flyers this year than Flyer victims. When I approached Mr. Clarke he just sat there drooling.”

Jeremy Roenick, a former member of the Flyers and current player on the Los Angles Kings stated that he “was sick of being pushed around in the complimentary wheel chairs by nurses.”

This, we found out later was no joke. Large sums of player salaries are going toward personal nurses and wheel chair maintenance. In the past month Peter Forsberg, the new old center that returned to the flyers after a 12 year absence to get “aged”, has been using this requirement to its fullest.

He pulled a groin muscle while playing and it has yet to fully heal. “I love the fact that they have wheel chair pushing nurse, but I hate the fact that we pay for them on every paycheck.”

As Bob Clarke formulates his next trade to obtain more “experienced” players we can only wonder how much older this team will get. In this reporter's opinion the Philadelphia Flyers will soon be as old as the legend of olden times. Their legend will be a reality and soon their mean age will be 52.

“I have no plans for making Philly an old person's home,” Clarke stated as he shoved retirement home plans into a briefcase.