RELEASE DATE: 2003
RATED: PG
REVIEWED BY: The DarkSider - 5/22/2008
What music film could possibly be so inhuman that it could very well top those choices? I needed a film that was going to challenge my will to review and perhaps even my will to live. It all came clear when I saw Justin Guarini�s scrunched up face staring at me from a DVD case. By the way, if you were a teenager when this film came out and actually worshiped it, please stop reading now. Come to think of it, if you worshiped this film at any age, stop reading and check yourself into a mental institution stat.
Our tale of a few idols, so to stay, starts off in a dive bar somewhere in Texas. Kelly Clarkson is up on stage belting out a song. In order to make the audience realize her job is dead end, there is only one person in the bar. The loan patron, named Luke, hits on her with an idiotic pick up line but Kelly continues cleaning up. She is quickly joined by her two friends Alexa and Kaya. It turns out that the charter airplane they are taking to spring break went bankrupt and they don�t have a way to the sunshine state for spring break. Oh Christ, here we go with the nonsense already.
Alexa, who fulfills the daddy�s little slut role early, is really anxious to go because as Kelly points out, guys only have �one thing� on their mind. Indeed porking hot coeds is cool for most guys but I say avoiding this movie should be top priority for any man, make that human being alive. The girls start to pressure Kelly for a ride which she half heartedly agrees to doing. So I should point out, already 5 minutes in, one can only predict the amount of awful jokes to expect. Here is one from Alexa in response on how she was able to buy several bikinis under her father�s nose. �My daddy saw the charges and I just told him my therapist�s name is Neiman Marcus.� Hardy har f*cking har.
The credits role in a rather creative manner (oddly the only thing eye catching in this film) as a rather bad cover of the Go-Go�s Vacation plays. The standard Baywatch-like montage of beach scenes plays and quickly we join up with Justin and his two buddies Eddie and Brandon. They call themselves the �Pennsylvania Posse� and are apparently quite filled with testosterone. Pennsylvania P*ssies are more fitting to be honest. Justin and Eddie, who are prime time promoters, talk about judging a whipped cream bikini contest while high fiving a bit too frequently. However Brandon, who came from the Nerds For Dummies book, talks about hooking up with a girl he met online.
The gals arrive and head out to the beach. Some MC guy is belting out the standard �East Coast Are You With Me, West Coast Are You With Me� crap which gets a rise out of the crowd. Side note, I�ve often wondered why people are so excited about where they are from in these movies. That and why is �Midwest are you with me� never asked? Anyhow this sets up one of the first music performances which sadly sets the tone for the rest of the film. In an awful bit, Kelly and Justin�s group walk up to members to the opposite sex singing about what they�d like to do to them. Please note for all you college kids, this probably isn�t the best way of getting laid. Justin and Kelly end up grinding for a bit before the song thankfully ends.
Justin and Eddie try to tell Brandon about picking up chicks in a rather annoying manner. Justin beat boxes horribly while Eddie raps worst than the whitest white guy in the world. Eddie finishes up by mooning Kelly�s group which a nearby female officer notices. Eddie gets a ticket for his actions but I was hoping for a pistol whip or two. By the way, this is the start of one of many bad running jokes in the film. Anyhow the boys go and check in and Justin starts talking about Kelly. He vows to find her which to me was a bit odd. If he really wanted to hook up with her, why not talk to her a few scenes ago? Kelly kind of repeats this scene with her buddies who are taking her to a party.
In the land of plot convenience -ville, Kelly and Justin happen to be at the same party. Kelly starts singing a song in her head which apparently Justin knows as well who also starts singing along. Talk about a real connection�um yeah. The two wander around the party looking for each other for a bit. This quickly changes to Justin handing out bracelets for something called �Margarita Madness�. After being attacked by a bunch of chick alchys, Justin bails into the ladies room. You�ll never guess who he runs into in there. Nope, not Clay Aiken but Kelly. The two introduce each other and annoyingly flirt away. Justin escapes out the bathroom window. Kelly writes her number on a napkin in lipstick which she tosses out the window. However, it lands in a pool of water and smudges.
The next day, Justin decides to attempt a hook up again. Alexa gets the call and drags Kelly to the whipped cream bikini contest. When she sees Justin there, she scoffs at the fact he is participating at such an event. At this point, I had to really question the whole relationship thing. Imagine if two people did form a love connection at spring break. Imagine the questions your kids would ask. �So did you meet mom at the wet t-shirt contest?� Anyhow, Kelly slams whipped cream on his face in a bit which I guess is supposed to be funny. Speaking of unfunny, Brandon goes to meet his internet love interest but gets dragged into a volleyball game which he does lousy in. That�s, once again, because he�s a nerd. Hardy har har�
Justin hooks up with Kelly at a fast food stand. He explains that this is all part of the entertainment business he is part of which Kelly reluctantly buys into. During this interlude he accidentally spills hot sauce on Kelly. I should stop here to explore this aspect of the film. Maybe its me but it seems that every 15 minutes people either get a food item or beverage spilled on them. Sure it was funny when the 3 Stooges had a pie and water seltzer fight. That was quite a while ago and they did it right. For a film to be that desperate to resort to the ancient food fight formula, bottom line is its quite sad.
Justin decides to take Kelly out on a boat ride because we haven�t had a romantic interlude yet. The two sing a song while Justin drives the boat. Kelly jabs Justin about him taking all his lady friends out on the boat. Justin replies that he mainly goes out alone to �think�. Something he apparently didn�t do before considering a role in this film. This switches back to Kaya who for whatever inexplicable reason is hanging out with Carlos as he washes dishes. Guess she has nothing else better to do in the threshold of paradise. Carlos�s evil boss (he even has a cigar he chomps to enhance an image of evil) comes over and accosts Carlos. Kaya opens her big mouth and gets him fired.
Justin and Kelly call it a night which prompts the standard �should we kiss now or later� moment of the film. This changes to a brief interlude of Margarita Madness which sees Alexa getting a drink spilled on her. Chalk another sad attempt in the laugh department using a beverage. The next day, Eddie gets fined again by the female officer and Brandon gets an awful one sided tan which is funny because once again, he�s a nerd. Meanwhile at poolside, Kelly and Kaya call Alexa out for being a �party girl� or translation for the above PG crowd, a �slut�.
Alexa puts a plan into motion setting up Justin to meet her at a bar while he inadvertently disses Kelly. While waiting for him, Alexa gets in a quick time killing song and dance number. Justin arrives and the two start drinking. Alexa spins more lies which of course will lead to another Kelly breakdown somewhere soon. Justin bails on her when she tells him that Kelly has a boyfriend back home. Meanwhile Brandon gets a visit from his internet interest�s lover and the two end up somehow bonding over a beer. Why should we care about that I don�t know.
So the next day Justin meets up with Eddie and after a gratuitous amount of handshaking, they head into a pool party they are promoting. Luckily for Justin, Kelly is there and she kicks off a girl-a-tude dance number which goes on for about a century. It ends when Luke from the beginning shows up and lays one on Kelly. Justin gets mad and with every bit of manhood he can muster, he challenges Luke to a fight. Luke proceeds to call him �Sideshow Bob� which honestly was the one thing that made me laugh in this movie.
Justin meets up with Alexa for advice about how to hook up with Kelly. Following the �wrong place at the wrong time� movie clich� to a tee, Alexa plants one on Justin which Kelly sees. Of course she stops watching by the time Justin pushes her away. Seriously, how many more f*cking things need to be either ripped off or emulated from other movies before the last twenty minutes are up? Looks like I spoke that too soon because Carlos pulls the standard �I�m an angry man acting out of frustration and want you back visit� to Kaya. Sigh�must move on�
Alexa spins a cock and bull story to Kelly about Justin and her kissing. You see, according to her Justin was using Kelly to get to her. Kelly gobbles up the story and apologizes . I have to stop here to explore this aspect. We�ve all know slam pigs like Alexa. How many have you ever trusted? Why is it so easy for anyone to buy what this chick is selling?
Well anyhow, Justin meets up with Kelly once again. I always thought Florida was a large state too. This time at a club and the two have it out in an unbearable to watch acting scene. Kelly finally puts two and two together and steals Alexa�s phone after Justin bails on her. After seeing Justin�s numerous messages she tells Alexa to f*ck off. Well�in a nice way anyhow. Kelly goes on a walk of sadness and belts out a song. At the song�s close she ends up coming face to face with Justin who was brought there by Alexa of all people. Once again, a big town in Florida is at play and everyone knows where to find anyone. The two enjoy some cuddling and a rather disturbing kiss.
The film wraps up with a few things happening. Brandon finally meets up with his internet love, Eddie hooks up with the cop who keeps fining him and Alexa ends up being friends with everyone she�s f*cked over, why I have no clue. As for our two�um�heroes�Justin and Kelly are apparently attached even though they live several thousand miles from each other. Um yeah, that relationship will last. The kids all dance and dance and dance and dance and dance to a rather bad version of �That�s The Way (Uh-Huh Uh-Huh) I Like It�. Personally at this point I did a dance of my own seeing the film was over.
Now allow me to dish out my mother load of a review, where to begin is the challenge. Lets start with the acting. Justin and Kelly apparently have no skill and Kelly has been quoted saying she really did not want to do this film or acting. For almost two hours we�re supposed to believe these two have something for each other. At no point is there any chemistry or any glimmer of affection between the two. I really think the film would have had a better result if they castled two piles of sawdust in the starring roles. All the other actors serve as annoying stereotypes. You have the nerd, the slut, the ambitious pervert and just about any other clich�d role you can imagine.
Lets move on to the dance and song numbers. The choreography was simply painful to watch and seemed to consist of a bunch of stutter steps mixed with odd gyrating. Matter of fact the Razzie Awards created an award just for it�s awfulness. The music was standard overly produced poppy dance tracks which really were all forgettable. I�m serious when I say that I can not, nor do I have the desire to, remember any songs after just watching this film. I can at least enjoy half the tracks on the Xanadu soundtrack and that�s saying something.
Plot wise, I think I�ve made it clear how irritating this film can be. Justin seems to have no problem running into Kelly in a spring break town full of thousands of people. Not to get to picky on idiotic plot elements but how the f*ck is that possible? I just came back from Disneyworld where all my wife�s family were as well. We saw them perhaps once and we were all in the same hotel. Aside from the over abundance of plot convenience, we are treated to stupid ham and egg jokes which only the most numbest of skulls would find funny. People getting splattered with drinks, food falling on people, people falling into pools, big guys chasing little guys�I�d continue but the sad list goes on and on.
Closing this review out, I�d have to say it was beyond one of the most challenging endeavors I�ve ever had to face. First off I had to explain to my wife why I had this piece of tripe sent to our house. Secondly I had to find time to watch it where the neighbors couldn�t see me watching it from the side window. Lastly, I had to describe what a festering piece of sh*t this film in in several hundred words.
Kelly Clarkson should praise whatever force in the universe she believes in that this film didn�t destroy her career. Also, the actress who played Kaya went on to star opposite another little old former Idol contestant named Jennifer Hudson in Dream Girls. Looks like she picked the right Idol to shack up with in a movie the second time around. Justin seems to loom around American Idol Rewind shows so he apparently doesn�t have to work at a fast food joint. So hey its not all bad in the long run. Plus, at least they didn�t make a sequel entitled From Ruben To Clay.
Well this film most certainly did not rock but perhaps my friends can get your hands pumping and the METAL signs sprouting. Click on the banner below to change the rock fest dial.
