RELEASE DATE: 1979
RATED: Made For TV
REVIEWED BY: The DarkSider
Our film begins with a bit of time killing back story which I won�t waste a lot of time on. The setting is Magic Mountain which is now one of many parks owned by Six Flags. It also doubled as Wally World for National Lampoon�s Vacation. Although I can�t prove it, I�m sure the park itself would rather be known for the Wally World thing over this film. Anyhow, the evil park engineer Abner Devereaux is rather perturbed that park owner Calvin Richards wants to dump money into a KISS concert. Basically Devereaux has an evil laboratory in which he makes cybernetic organisms.
Meanwhile, we get introduced to the annoying lovey dovey engaged couple Sam and Melissa who spend all their pre-�I HATE YOU, GET OUT OF MY LIFE� days together in the park. Sam, feeling like Kojak, decides to investigate the evil doings of Devereaux only to disappear. Devereaux sends a few punks to sabotage the rides and when Richards finds out, he cans him. Devereaux stays in the park, for whatever reason they let him stay, and swears vengeance thus becoming the dreaded Phantom. Oooooooh, scary.
So now its time to introduce our�um�heroes of the film who start in with one their repetitive hits �Shout It Out Loud�. Let me say now although I respect the band for amazing showmanship, I am not a big fan of KISS�s music. Matter of fact I quite detest a lot of it. Don�t get me wrong, I enjoy a few songs here and there but its mostly the ones where the chorus isn�t repeated 20 times. So yeah, its kind of hard for me to find KISS songs I like.
While the crowd rocks out, we join Devereaux in his secret lab where Sam is apparently his little b*tch. He sends him out to take some pics of the band. After the standard squeaky Paul Stanley �WE LOVE YOU, GOODNIGHT� end of concert exclamation, the group exits to adoring groupies. Sam snaps some pictures of the band�s faces and quickly Melissa tries to get his attention. Security grabs her and immediately Gene Simmons yells �STAR CHILD� which causes Paul Stanley to shoot a beam out of his eye. So perhaps I should stop here to explain this nonsense.
The band is not just the band in this film. Oh no my brothers and only friends. They are a band by day and superheroes by night�or something. For example, Paul controls time and is great at long distance espionage through his Paul Stanleyvision. Gene is a fire breathing demon who growls a lot and talks in an odd reverb. Ace Frehley has the power to teleport and release an awkward �AK� laugh every once and awhile. Peter Criss however seems to have gotten a huge shaft in super powers. Yes he is quite agile, much like a cat but really doesn�t do anything remotely as unique as his buddies. Who knows, maybe he has the agility to take a poop in a square box and cover it with sand.
Back to the�um�plot line which sees KISS interviewing Melissa. She informs him that she saw her boyfriend Sam taking pictures. KISS decides to help her find Sam because they�re nice like that. Meanwhile, Devereaux takes Gene�s image and makes a robotic version of The Demon. He sends it out on the hack security who immediately get their asses handed to them. I had to wonder why exactly did the park need so much security after hours no less. Were they in threat of a stuffed animal burglary from the carnival games or something?
The next day Richards confronts the boys at poolside. Oh yeah, I should mention in this scene KISS sits around on lifeguard chairs wearing Druid-like robes. Why, well I guess they�re wise men in a land of retardation. Gene arrives and the park security threaten to contact the police. Richards pulls the guards aside to talk to them. Through Paul Stanleyvision we find out Richards will hand them over to park security after their next few concerts.
Melissa arrives after confronting Devereaux (once again I have no clue why he was still hanging out in the park) who actually gives her a security pass to smooth things out. Unknown to her, this doubles as a spy device so he can listen in on her conversations with KISS. KISS decides through their infinite wisdom that there is something rotten in Denmark. However before investigating, the guys bring Melissa back to their pad and show off their�now get this�mystical talismans which give them their power. Why, well aside for stupidly showing off their Achilles heal, we learn that there is a mystical force field guarding the talismans. Ooooooh Ahhhhh�So of course Devereaux finds out about this through his spy device and devises yet another evil plan.
Cut to another music number which made it easy review wise because I fast forwarded through it. Right after this, Sam is sent by Devereaux to obtain the talismans. Meanwhile, seeing Melissa is sad we need a ballad. Of course what better song than Beth would fit in at this moment. Whats that you say, the girl�s name is Melissa.? Well go with it, this was filmed way before the days of the Michael Bolton written �Forever�. Side note, this is said to be one of the few times where Peter Criss isn�t dubbed. He was supposedly tanked throughout the film�s production and much of his dialog was slurred. He never really showed up for looping in post production and a voice over guy got the nod. Once again, classic B-movie behind the scenes greatness.
Meanwhile, Sam finds the talismans but can�t quite find out how to break the invisible barrier. This little disruption in The Force causes Paul Stanley to miss a note or two on acoustic guitar. Sam exits KISS�s house and Melissa runs over to him. When she tries to kiss him however, he pretty much ignores her. She starts to scream like a lunatic which alerts KISS. Now that�s the kind of chick you fill out a restraining order for months before breaking up. Anyhow, KISS put two and two together finally and realize the threat is coming somewhere within the park. Time for some�um�action.
KISS somehow stumbles into the stadium and Paul Stanley exclaims there doesn�t seem to be any right turns. Um�don�t these guys live and work in the park? Don�t they know where they�re going? Anyhow, a bunch of samurai type guys arrive with light saber like blades. KISS makes quick work of them but more arrive. This is when Ace teleports them out of there and into another part of the park. Another quick point to ponder here. If Ace had the power to transport anywhere, why doesn�t KISS just transport into Devereaux�s office and off him once and for all? Sigh�moving on�again�
Meanwhile, Devereaux equips Sam with a weapon of mass talisman destruction. A plastic looking laser that emits a crooked beam. Sam successfully destroys the force field and brings the talismans to Devereaux. KISS meanwhile find themselves in a house of horrors. It is there they take on several ghetto versions of famous monsters ranging from Dracula to Frankenstein. The boys find out their powers are all but gone when Devereaux shoots their talismans. Devereaux uses an industrial strength vacuum on steroids to suck up the band through the ceiling and into a holding cell.
Jump to the fake KISS who get up on stage and break into �Rip And Destroy�. People boo away but in all honesty, I couldn�t really tell why. Fake KISS pretty much sounded like real KISS. Then again, that could be a reason for some folks to boo. Anyhow, the main point of this song being played is to cause a riot that can be blamed on KISS and Richards. Why, well the pure adrenaline pumping lyrics of �Rip, Rip, Rip And Destroy� will cause even a nun to lose control. Um�sure�yeah�
The film essentially wraps up with one of the most confusing villain demises ever. Richards, KISS and Melissa converge on Devereaux�s lab. Sam is set free when Paul removes a mind control device from his neck. Devereaux is found to be an old man with a frozen expression. What exactly caused this is a bit of mystery. Perhaps KISS rocked him to death. Anyhow, with the day saved KISS breaks out �God Of Thunder� while the credits roll.
KISS indeed is one of those bands that paved a road for wild stage antics. No one can deny or challenge that aspect of their contribution to rock n roll. However, the band quickly found themselves being marketed to a bubble gum crowd by the 80s. This film is a fine testament to those fond days of KISSploitation. Frehley and Criss left the band around the decade of excess. The band went on to do even more puzzling ideas. For example, The Elder. If I could put that album into a review format, I would.
On the bright side of things, this film is an awesomely bad one. Its everything that people like me enjoy about our counter film culture. Actors being tossed lines before filming, bad continuity, horrible special effects, unexplained plot loop holes, the list goes on and on. Ace Frehley was once quoted as saying, �It's the funniest shit I've ever seen." Well put Mr. Space Ace, well put indeed.
Oh well, lets wrap things up by doing what we normally do for bad rock n roll movies�
�WE THANK YOU FOR COMING OUT TO DARKSIDER�S REALM TONIGHT! THANKS FOR KEEPING THE SCENE ALIIIIIIIVE! GOOD NIGHT!�
