TITLE: Rock N' Roll Nightmare

RELEASE DATE: 1987

RATED: R

REVIEWED BY: The DarkSider - 5/29/05
THE PLOT: METAL!  All I have to say is get used to that word because it may get used a lot in this review.  To make things more entertaining every time you come across it in this review yell METAL in a huge rebel yell and put up your devil signs. To truly understand what made this movie a fine gem in the cesspool of bad movies, you have to understand the man who brought it to us...ladies and gentlemen...Jon Mikl Thor. He was a famed body builder who decided to venture into glam rock.  He'd do shows (ala Alice Cooper) with stage theatrics...blah... blah...blah. By the time this movie was made he kinda looked like the bi-product of a love affair between David Lee Roth and Sebastian Bach of Skid Row. None the less one day he decided to go into script writing and produced this fine piece of um...art...yeah thats it. 

Lets begin...the movie opens up with the average Canadian family doing their average Canadian thing.  Apparently the family gets bumped off by an evil Canadian spirit...damn you Loverboy.  After we get the obvious idea that something may not be right with the house we get treated to a bunch of irritating camera shots.  Imagine giving your two year old relative (or midget friend) a video camera, 8 chocolate bars dipped in sugar, and having them record their never ending romp through the house...and there you go.  The thing that made me laugh right away was you could actually see the camera man's shadow here and there...not the best way to have your film taken seriously but hey...we are only beginning if you can believe that.

None of that matters because it switches to
METAL!  We get treated to a view of a van blaring METAL and we get our first glimpse of our hero Jon.  We know immediately he and his posse are bad asses.  That is because he has handcuffs on the rear view.  Yeah nothing says "don't f**k with me buddy" more than that.  He immediately turns off the METAL and shakes a cassette as if to say "this is the shiznit".  One would expect more METAL but rather the music he plays is more a Depeche Mode/New Order hybrid.  Just when I was thinking these guys were hardcore they had to break my heart.  Well anyhow...Jon and his band Triton are traveling to Canada.  And when I say traveling I mean all the way from somewhere near El Salvador and guess what...for your viewing pleasure they show you every god*mn minute of the drive in the opening sequence too. I'm almost surprised they didn't show the border patrol and the custom check.

Well after two hours of the driving sequence the band arrives at the ill fated house.  Immediately we get the back story presented in a third grade acting level.  The band is there to make the next White Album or some s**t like it. The house they are staying in is in fact the house that the family in the opening all perished in.  Aside from Jon let me introduce the players rock and roll style...start the music...
She is Jon's love slave...ladies and gentlemen give it up for
Randy!
Hes the dorky band manager who couldn't pick up a date even if she had a handle attached...its
Phil!
Hes in the band and shes his new wife...bound to die horribly...check out
Roger & Mary!
He is in the band and I believe is supposed to be Australian although he sounds like a high school kid doing a bad imitation of The Crocodile Hunter...and shes well...just an all around beyootch...I give you
Stig and Lou Anne!
Finally two band members who follow the ideal of everybody needs somebody sometime no matter how bad they look together in a mock love scene...
Max and Dee Dee!

So the horny crew moves into the house.  Right away another theme pops up...the total misuse of music with the scenes.  For example...a shot of the clouds...scary music...trees...scary music...wind...scary music...an elderly man crossing the street...scary music...I think you get the point.  None of that music matters though because once again...
METAL!  Ladies and gentlemen...I give you in so many words our first live performance...WE LIVE TO ROCK.  Join the band in this lyrical excerpt as they rock out with the combined intensity of Jim Croce and Air Supply.

"I love the music love to hear it loud, shakin' in the isles and screaming out loud...
Rock...talk about...rock...
We live...we live to rock...our kind of music will never stop..."

Please note the oddly familiar lyrics from Bad Company's
Rock N Roll Fantasy...
"I love the music...And I love to see the crowd...Dancin' in the aisles and singin' out loud...yeah..."
On second thought never mind...not much of a similarity there...

So during all this pure guitar driven fun we get our first glimpse of the one-eyed puppet on a stick.  Just a cameo for now so don't worry...they don't play much of a bigger part later either.  Immediately Phil gets bumped off by a possessed version of Lou Anne.  After the band looks for Phil, they notice the van is gone and figure he left to party harty. This gives way to a bunch of lame horny nonsense between the band and their ladies. After this things go down hill for the group.  The band and the hos start getting knocked off by the unseen force and replaced with possessed versions of their former self. 

Meanwhile in a plot line far far away...Phil returns a mirror of his former self to welcome some groupies to the house.  The groupie whereabouts and what happened to them are unknown.  If you happen to see them let their parents know where they're at.  They kind of get lost after this scene. 

Just before the plot line makes you want to give in...they give you...
EN-ER-GY...its METAL time again my  friends...gimmie some cow bell dammit!
"When I am dead on my feeeeeet...my eyes are heavy and reeeeed...you give me something to eaaaaat...
ooooh...and then you take me to beeeeed...
My bodys achin' my heads spinnin'...I feel so small in this room...but when I'm startin' to just give in...
Baby...I turn to you...
You Give Me Energy...EN...ER...GY...Whoa You Do...You Give Me Energy...
EN...ER...GY...You Make Me Stronger Every Day..."


I am surprised that Folgers, Gatorade, nor Duracell capitalized on such a great song about EN...ER...GY.  It would have been one f*ck of a catchy jingle.  So after this blazing performance, Jon insists he needs time alone to write a love song.  Didn't know loves songs needed much thinking...just throw in I love you and you're my world and stay with me forever and there you go.  None the less, while writing the power ballad Randy drags Jon into the shower for a way to long love scene. 

After this Jon continues writing his ballad in another part of the house while Randy becomes fodder for the demons.  While Jon writes away, we get to experience the most blatant product placement in the history of films. Jon heads to the fridge for a Coke and strategically makes sure that the label is always out.  Way to be subtle but hey...got to keep the sponsors happy seeing they are few and far between for this flick. 

Now after reading all of this, one may not think anything could be more ridiculous...well grab on to something and lets take on the climax.  Randy comes down and reveals her true form to Jon...the dark lord himself.  Jon gives us a history lesson on different words for the devil.  Then...oh dear god...then he reveals the secret that he had been hiding all along.  The band was never real...rather they were shadows created by Jon to bring out the evil bastard.  And Jon is not Jon...he is...behold...the arch angel Triton. 

In a brilliant transformation shrouded by strobe lights, Jon becomes the arch angel complete with cape, black boots, Aqua Net hair, eye liner, and a studded speedo.  Cue the
METAL mutha f*ckas...

"We accept the challenge...We will fight and never looooooose...We accept the challenge...Against all forces they choose to uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuse..."

The two square off for the battle of the century which consists mainly of Satan (aka crew members off stage)  throwing mutant starfish at Triton, Triton's determined expressions, and the two circle dancing.  Knowing he is outwitted and outmatched by such a great force as Triton, the devil gives in and disappears in a flash of a road flare.  It is then Triton speaks boldy the words echoed by a generation..."I'll see you again...old scratch..."  Triton pays honor to the fallen and goes on to seek the devil wherever he may be next. 

You know this movie is going to have to get a low rating from me.  There is no way I could give it a good rating because if folks see this expecting a good film I will have people at my door with pitchforks.  Dammit though...I really liked this movie. The lamer the movie the better time I have with it.  Movies like this is why I choose to do this site...so on behalf of DarkSider's Realm...

"THANK YOU ALL FOR COMING OUT TONIGHT!  WE LOVE YOU!  GOODNIGHT!"
ITS THE INNARDS THAT COUNT (most gruesome/odd moments)
Easy Offed- The father of the family in the beginning finds a well done corpse in the stove.  Remember nothing says lovin' like a $20.00 special effect in the oven.

Stuffed Australian
- Stig is taken over by the demon and when Lou Anne goes to lake with him, a giant demon hand comes out of his chest.  Being an opportunist demon he fondles Lou Anne's twin peaks.

Kiddie Fun
- Max and Dee Dee follow the evil spirit of the kid from the original family into a barn.  He turns into Leprechaun and according to the shadows on the wall he does some unpleasant things to them.

Shower Love
- No man should ever have to sit through a scene with Jon Mikl Thor making out in the shower with a woman who has smaller breasts than him.  They cap all of this off with a revealing view of his ass.  I said no man should see this...make that no person dead, alive, or undead.
YOU'RE A GRAND OLD A-HOLE (the A-Holes of the film get their moment)
The Ultimate Evil Himself - When I was in Sunday school we were always taught the devil was a menacing figure.  It turns out he is nothing more than a Mardi Gras float prop with arms being controlled off camera. A two year old can take over hell apparently. The Rolling Stones said he needed sympathy and they were not kidding.
HOLY WAR UPDATE (the ongoing battle of good and evil heats up once again...)
Metal fans unite...time for todays battle of big hair and tight leather pants...
SATAN
vs
TRITON
True evil proves that throwing spineless sea creatures just can not topple the mighty force of arch angel Triton.  We are handing this one to Triton...mainly as a bribe that he will never wear that ridiculous outfit for all eternity.
The Winnah This Round: The Holy Rollers
Score After Four Reviews: Evil A-Holes 2   Holy Rollers 2
OVERALL GRADE
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