TITLE: Hard Rock Zombies

RELEASE DATE
:  1985

RATED
: R

REVIEWED BY
:  The DarkSider
THE PLOT: Um...oh boy...how can I even start this review.  When I first laid eyes upon Jon Mikl Thor's  Rock N Roll Nightmare I really thought that it could be the ultimate in awful music meets horror flicks.  I mean who else could have a completely incoherent film based around rock and evil.  There can't be another right?

Oh was I wrong...oh was I so very wrong...my friends...time to break out the word
METAL again. 

This film of sex, drugs and...um...I guess you can call it rock n roll begins with a drive down a freeway.  Some music is playing in the background that oddly resembles A Flock Of Seagulls.  Some long haired guys pick up some bimbo on the side of the road.  Cut to a lake where a dude with a zoom camera and two midgets (hehe) watch as they arrive.  The bimbo takes off her clothes and goes skinny dipping with one of the dudes.  She holds the guy under the lake who I guess dies because blood comes to the surface.  Same goes for the other dude who I suppose was busy picking his nose or something when his buddy got wiped out.  Meanwhile the guy with the camera snaps a few shots from far away as the midgets celebrate.

Note on the midgets;  one of them is none other than hero of the wee-folk himself Phil Fondacaro.  The other I'm not sure of but he is sporting a rather lame looking mask that makes the goblins in
Troll 2 look realistic.  Well anyhow, the bimbo slices off the hand of one of the victims and sings "I want to hold your hand".  A nice reference to a revolutionary band from England.  Oh how the talent fades quick...cue our heros...(snicker)...rock n roll style introductions are in order...

HES THE KING OF THE MULLET AND HAS A CHICO AND THE MAN MUSTACHE...LADIES AND GENTLEMEN GIVE IT UP FOR THE MAN ON BASS AND THE MIC...
JESSE!
ON GUITAR AND LOOKING TOO MUCH LIKE TOMMY SHAW FROM STYX ITS...
TOMMY!
ON KEYBOARDS...AND OBVIOUSLY A MAJOR OINGO BOINGO FAN...
ROBBY!
AND ON DRUMS...HE LOOKS LIKE TEG NUGENT AND DOESN'T SEEM TO KNOW HOW TO  PLAY THE DRUMS BUT HE HAS LONG HAIR SO HE FITS THE BILL ITS...
CHUCK!

So let the show begin.  Let me say most bands that begin a song by saying, "Come on put your hands together..." is going to suck.  Revel in the lyrical crappiness in the first of few songs by the band, Shake It Up Baby;
"
Shake shake...shake it up baby...shake shake...shake it up baby...toniiiiiiiight...alright!"
Hard rock...nope...more like Night Ranger or Loverboy I'd say.  And thats being kind...anyhow the kids dig it but the older hick fellows at the bar hate it. 

Little note audio note here.  Its apparent that the dialog between the hicks was dubbed in.  Why...well basically the band is playing in the background so we can hear them. Yet it seems a different part of the song plays during the dialog throwing sh*t way off.  So although I can't prove this, I'm assuming they shot the scene and couldn't hear anything the hicks were saying so they dubbed in their dialog over a stereo playing the song in post production.  Either that or they shot the scene at different times throwing the song's continuity way off.  If what I just said makes no sense, just know it sounds like a f*cking mess. 

So all of this ear torture comes to an end and the band heads backstage to hang out in tightie whities...great.  The band's manager Ron gives Jesse crap about not taking pictures with groupies.  Yeah because hats some f*cking hard work there. This apparently is to impress Don Matson who happens to be a big record enchilada.  Ron invites a bunch of love sick groupies in so he can get his camera shots.  They guys sign body parts and Jesse seems a bit annoyed with it all.  Who the hell gave this guy spandex?  David Lee Roth he is not apparently. 

Jesse goes into the room next door and runs across some chick who has caterpillars above her eyes.  Actually those would be her eyebrows that really need a good waxing.  He invites her backstage to meet the band but she refuses.  She pleads with him not to tour in the next town into which they're heading.  She mentions that they don't like rock or something in the town, especially her father.  The girl disappears when Jesse is attacked by the groupies once again.

The next day the band drives to their next destination.  Jesse is playing an odd bass line and spouting out some incoherent lyrics.  He claims its from a book he read about songs to raise the dead.  Gee you think that will matter later?  Anyhow, this is interrupted when they spot the bimbo from the beginning on the side of the road hitching a ride.  The bimbo offers them a free room at her house.  The guys agree to stay because they're stupid. 

When they arrive at the mansion they immediately notice a weird looking guy chopping off chicken heads, Phil Fondacaro running around and someone inside howling.  This would be a wheelchair stricken werewolf.  If it makes no sense to you now just know it won't much later either.

Anyhow the next day the band dances in the street with town residents.  Its a totally  f*cking stupid bit featuring the band running around like the Monkees dancing, making people laugh (at them) and skateboarding.  Have to admit that they seem to know how to thrash ok.  Tommy is particularly good at doing pirouettes on the board.  All the while the town's hicks (who later get introduced as Ted, Ed and Red) look on in disgust.

The boys get arrested by the Sheriff for looking like trouble.  Thats a stiff charge isn't it?  They are thrown into jail which looks more like a chicken coup than a prison.  Nice improvision set and prop people...um yeah.  Ron PMS's about the show and luckily the band gets a helping hand from the chick with the thick eyebrows.  She gives the band some cash (30 bucks or so) for bail and quickly a romantic angle buds between her and Jesse. 

Now I know many of rock stars have hung out with young girls.  Steven Tyler has talked about it many times and I never really realized how f*cking unnerving it was until watching Jesse and this chick together.  He refers to her as "girl" for a little bit and later gets her name which is Casey.  Why...well he found time while f*cking around in town to write a song for her.  Somewhere between all this horseh*t, the film cuts back to the mansion where two old people are being naughty with each other...um ok. 

The band gets out of jail and Jesse gives Casey his ring.  The Sheriff insists that the concert will not go down.  Back at the mansion, the band busts into their new single, "Casey".  You know the rule...if a song has a chick's name in it you know its more than likely going to suck really bad...read the lyrics and you be the judge...
"
I'm so in love but you're so young....when you touch my hand does that mean we're in love...
For you its new, there so much I've been through...but I can hold back the feeling of wanting you...
Whooaaa Casey...won't you tell me what to do...I want to spend my life in love with you...
Whooaaa Casey...you're a dream I can't let go...
"
Make your decision if it sucks or not?  You should hear it to be sure.  Actually I don't wish that on anyone because somehow I ended up singing along after awhile. 

The band's performance is interrupted when the house's inhabitants shock the hell out of them in an "accident".  Note an off screen microphone can easily be seen during this.   Later that evening, Ron attends a town meeting which sees the ban of rock music in the town.  Its actually a much longer scene with a lot of useless humor I won't waste your time with as it did with me.  Meanwhile back at the mansion, Jesse is throwing down the bass line he was practicing in the van.  Its a bit on the "Immigrant Song" side but just not as cool.  Jesses spots a tarantula on his leg which he kills.  He notes when he plays the bass line that it comes back to life.  Ok...so this is when stuff gets really confusing editing wise.  Confusing may not be the right term for it...try f*cking pointless.  Here we go as things go haywire.

1.) Shot of werewolf in wheelchair
2.) Shot of old lady in wheelchair
3.) Shot of Chuck approaching lady in wheelchair
4.) Shot of black and white photos of violent acts
5.) Shot of Tommy and Robby laying on benches.  Tommy has blood on his face and isn't moving
6.) Shot of black and white photos again
7.) Shot of old woman and Chuck hanging out
8.) Shot of Tommy scaring Robby
9.) Shot of Chuck looking at Bimbo who is walking up the stairs
10.) Shot of Jesse playing bass
11.) Shot of pickled hand in jar moving
12.) Shot of tarantula

Ok...thats it for now.  It gets even worse in a second trust me.  Chuck walks in unannounced to the bimbo's shower time.  She doesn't seem to mind until she stabs him to death.  The mansion's resident celebrate in glee...now back to the sh*tty editing.

1.) Shot of townsfolk destroying rock records
2.) Shot of bimbo dancing in 80s clothes
3.) Shot of Tommy and Robby stumbling in the mansion's attic
4.) Shot of Jesse playing the base line
5.) Shot of pickled hand
6.) Shot of tarantula
7.) Shot of bimbo dancing in 80s clothes
8.) Shot of old lady in wheelchair greeting Tommy and Robby
9.) Shot of townsfolk destroying records
10.) Shot of old lady in wheel chair talking with Tommy and Robby
11.) Shot of lady dancing in 80s clothes

The film regains its...um...focus...by having the old lady turn into a werewolf and kill Tommy and Robby.  Ready for more sh*tty editing.  Well I won't bother covering it again because I think you've had enough.  Just know it continues through the next few scenes.  Casey finds out about the townsfolk's activities and heads off to warn Jesse.  Immediately they are chased by the chicken guy who wields a buzz saw that looks a little like a weed whacker.  Jesse gives Casey a tape while running and says to play it if he is killed.  The two spit up and Jesse is pinned to a tree with throwing knives by the chicken guy.  Chicken guy proceeds to turn on his buzz saw which oddly makes noises of the engine opening without him pulling the trigger.  Once again the sound department shows off their inferior level of competence.   The chicken guy hacks up Jesse and calls it a day. 

So the next day after the funeral, Ron finds himself at the dinner table with the mansion's residents.  Now if this movie wasn't f*cked enough, guess who arrives to bring new light into the film.  The old man of the mansion takes off a mask and reveals that he is Adolf Hitler.  He wishes to hire Ron and to vrule de vworld.  Everyone in the house are Nazis as well.  I give up on this sh*t...

Meanwhile in the graveyard, Casey laments over Jesse's passing.  She plays the tape Jesse gave her and wouldn't you know it, the band had time to throw it through production at the mansion. Don't know how they managed that but it assists in bringing them back to life.  All four rise from their grave which look to be about 1 foot deep.  Apparently they like plagues in this town.  They proceed to march, in the goofiest way possible, out of the grave.  Cut to Ron who refuses to join Hitler and is almost killed by chicken guy. 

The band of zombies continue their march which ends up at the mansion.  They make a mess of the residents and save Ron.  Ron heads to town hall to let the residents know of the Nazis.  More pointless humor ensues and this leads to a few townsfolk heading to the mansion.  The bodies of Hitler and his cronies come to life and kill them off.  Now wait a minute...didn't someone have to play that music tape for the dead to rise?  Maybe someone had it on next door or something. 

As townsfolk continue to be knocked off, the band is shown driving in a van.  They eventually end up in some shack where their big concert is being held.  Wouldn't you know it, Don Matson is at the show as well as Casey. The band doesn't waste any time breaking into the song "Casey" again.  However this time, it is accompanied with really awful fantasy scenes which feature Casey and Jesse happy and in love.  Jesse happens to being wearing all white with a gay looking ascot.  I'm assuming these visions are a fantasy of Casey's involving her lost love for Jesse and how things could have been if he wasn't hacked to death.  I kind of wish he wasn't hacked up either so that way the movie could have ended already. 

Meanwhile, zombie midget Fondacaro makes a mess of a young couple's make out session.  He rips off the guy's head which his girlfriend talks to as if he is still alive.  Just more stupid humor as it continues.  Cut to his midget partner in crime who is actually eating himself.  I actually found this a little amusing to be honest.  Meanwhile, the townsfolk struggle to find a way to kill the zombies.  Somehow, and I won't bother going to far into it, they figure out that zombies are afraid of heads.  This movie is so f*cking stupid. 

Back at the concert Matson seems to like the band as they continue to play.  This cuts back to a few townsfolk getting killed off, the midget still eating his own body parts and then to Phil Fondacaro trying to eat a cow.  Yes you read that last part right.  Sigh...the townsfolk find giant pictures of heads of celebrities and try to scare off the zombies to no avail.  I have no clue who's sense of humor would get these lame jokes.  Maybe people on acid or the mentally challenged.  Anyhow, the people who do survive decide that a virgin must be sacrificed to stop the zombies.  They can have their way with her and disappear. You know what, after writing all this I'm going to assume the film makers just didn't give a sh*t anymore by the end of this film. 

Meanwhile the concert wraps up with a bunch of zombies invading it.  The band leaves and head back into their grave using a lame reverse film technique.  Casey escapes the concert alive but the townsfolk see her as the virgin sacrifice.  Ron pleads with the band to come back to save Casey which they agree to do one last time.  At night Casey gets tied to a tree in the mountains and the zombies are lured away from her last minute by the band.  They play the dead rising music which seems to lure in the zombies.  They lead them into an underground gas chamber which is sealed off by Ron and Casey.  You know, because its a little known fact that most mountains have underground gas chambers.  Anyhow this somehow kills off all the zombies including the band.  The movie ends with Casey lamenting over Jesse's grave which spouts his dead hand for her to hold one last time.  Awwww...f*ck off.  I can't figure out what she's so upset about.  They only hung out a few times and never really got it on.  Maybe it was his magic mullet. 

I read on IMDB that this was supposed to be a 20 minute video short for the movie American Drive-In.  Somehow, they decided this would make a great full length movie.  You can mainly thank director Krishna Shah for this crime against humanity.  He was also known for directing a few sequels to the Sleepaway Camp series.  Perhaps the funniest thing in the film was his name being misspelled in the credits.  If that isn't poetic justice, I don't know what is.  But as always its movies like this that keep me going so on behalf of DarkSider's Realm... once again....

THANK YOU FOR COMING OUT TONIGHT...WE LOVE YOU...GOODNIGHT!!!
ITS THE INNARDS THAT COUNT (most gruesome/odd moments)
1.)
Ungreatfull Dead - The band is killed off only to rise again with white face paint on to avenge their demise, play a bunch of over-played music and later go back into the ground again.  See also, "VH1's KISS Behind The Music". 

2.)
Tart and Tiny - One of the midgets eats himself after turning into a zombie.  "You are what you eat" apparently has gone to a whole new level. 

3.)
Restraining Order Please - Phil Fondacaro rips the head off of some girl's boyfriend. She talks to the head as if it is still alive.  I'm sure there were many rumors in town afterwards about her head care techniques. 

4.)
A Little Bite - Phil Fondacaro mounts and tries to eat a cow...don't really have much to add to that.
YOU'RE A GRAND OLD A-HOLE (the A-Holes of the film get their moment)
1.)
The Townsfolk - Normally I would never support a right wing group that wanted to ban rock n roll but in this band's case, they have my "YAY" vote. 

2.)
Hitler and The Nazis - Once again, through the miracle of technology we probe Hitler's Brain
"Ich" hat ve es mit diesem Muschifelsen gehabit.  Wo sind meine Saxon Alben?"
Rough Translation: I've had it with this pussy rock.  Where are my Saxon albums?
OVERALL GRADE
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