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By the time you read this Luka should be safe in America, and you are probably wondering why I am not with him. Before you go blaming yourself let me just say, it's not you, it's me - and I know even as I write this your going to think that's a break up cliche, but if you could just try and hold back your judgement - your condemnation - for a minute, maybe you will actually be able to understand what I am trying to say. Being here has changed me in a way I have never imagined. It put everything in perspective, County, Gamma's death, you. Well, me and you. We just had to work so hard at everything. Too hard, you know? When I think back on our last year together, everything appears hazy and muddled. And in the Congo, everything is very clear. People are suffering. I can help them. They need me. In a way that you don't.
You are much stronger than you think. You don't need me, Abby, and I don't think you ever really did. We both know we would work better unfettered. I think that at one point you convinced yourself that I was the right guy for you - reliable, safe, and I don't know, secure - but I don't think that is what you really wanted. When we were just friends, it was safe. Maybe we even put each other on pedestales, I don't know. And then when we were finally together, it didn't become what either of us thought it would be. I didn't end up being what you expected, and you didn't end up being... sorry I am rambling.
I gave you as much as I could, but it wasn't enough. Clearly there were a lot of things going on in your life that were more important, understandably. Eric's disease, your mother. You life is complicated, and I didn't fit into the mix very well did I? I tried to help, but then when I needed you... I don't know.
The light is dying and I don't want to waste anymore kerosene. I don't know how long I will end up staying here. Don't wait for me. I also want to say thank you. You are still one of the most amazing people I know.
Love,
Carter