May 9th -- On the heels of guys demanding sex with ugly girls and the Pipe Bomber drawing a destructive smiley face on the American heartland, the National Enneagram Council has decided to rename our current continuity to "Earth-Done".

"Earth-Done is the final timeline -- this is it," announced Dr. Richard Hoffman, Lead Adjunct of NECo. "We've been studying the latest turn of events ... everything is accelerating into a funnel cloud of destruction. No one is safe from the time-altering affects of the current death spiral."

Dr. Hoffman cited the renewal of suicide bombings in Israel, as well as bombings in Pakistan, Russia and the United States. "And lets not forget the student shootings in Germany, and the assassination in the Netherlands by an animal-rights activist -- it's hard to say when Earth-Done started, but we're definitely in the middle of it right now."

When asked about what comes after Earth-Done, Dr. Hoffman reiterated that this was the last timeline.

"This timeline may last 10,000 years, or 10 months -- I have no idea. All I know is, there is nothing scheduled after this.

"Our timeline has jumped the shark -- it was inevitable that the Unseen Hand would cancel us. We've had a good run, but I think we're done."