1998

The sadness of love and life, the day to day routine; when to hang on and when to let go. People with broken hearts running from the pain, exchanging it for any other distraction. The mind is persuasive, adamant, and invincible; but the heart speaks its own language. The mind knows how cold and lonely everything is without some love to soften the edges.

I have been reading Virginia Woolf and see how easily I fall in love with her. I would like to get down to the coast and have some of that sea breeze against my flesh, breathe, think, eat, and just be. Painting Montenegro´s Montera (black bullfighting hat), toss the hat in the sand and see which side comes up? Use the mirror.

Some people always love the underdog.

It is so good that you learn to love and accept yourself more and more as you get older or drunker. You feel ill. The world swirls, you wanted to be on a rollercoaster and then you got sick, started thinking that ride wasn´t that much fun; still, life was boring so you needed to get back on, stand near the edge, contemplate,  and decide at some point whether you would go on or not.

Moonlit Lorca night in Sacromonte, waiting for the Gypsy Christ to arrive. On the edge of a hill my daughter sleeps peacefully upon my lap. The Christ arrives before the bonfires, someone begins to sing and they all start dancing.  The miracle of life, every time a child is born.

A new house and then my first exhibit. Bullfighting themes at Tryp Hotel.

Bad trip on a ride at the fair with my teenage son. No more Ferris wheels for me. Rabbit with potatoes for lunch, rioja wine; everyone is happy and I am rather hungry.

“God squeezes you, but he does not strangle you…” Spanish saying, often used in times of dire.

I have no roots…or I don´t know where the hell they are. Trying to figure out my past and that whole family tree.  Reading Vincent Vangogh´s letters to his brother Theo. God knows that we must help each other; it is the only way to go.

That is a strong smell; it does not easily wash away. The need to be clean, super clean. I need you to be clean! Sometimes, it seems like so much work…all that cleaning.