"How It Really Happened"
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| Click Me for the Grand "How It Really Happened" Page. | Christmas: "How It Really Happened" |
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| And so all seemed lost. However, this was not so, for Taft wielded a power that few had counted on, though he himself knew it not. It was a thing no one would have expected, for some things that should not have been forgotten were lost. It was a Ring that Taft always kept on the pinkie toe of his left foot, and it wielded a power that he could not fathom. For, inscribed in this Ring (in the Cwenya tongue of old) was set: "One Ring to rule them all, One Ring to find them, One Ring to bring them all, and keep fat men alive." And so, although he had exploded dramatically after being bitten by Ned, Taft did not die. His spirit regathered itself, and Taft was made man once again. | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
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| Taft's Ring, forged in the fires of Hors-d'oeuvre. | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
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| Yes, the man was alive. Now that he knew the Ring's secret and realized his immortality, he decided that he'd become the leader of his own tribe. However, the entire Sevle population was wiped out by the flying lard of his explosion. The entire population, that is, except the gnome called Ned. After the explosion Taft searched everywhere for life, and in the midst of his search there was Ned. For you see, Ned was of a magical gnomish folk, and well, let's just say those magical gnomes don't die off too easy. Particularly in Ned's case. Right then and there the two loners decided to stick with each other and remain companions to the end. | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| The gnome called Ned, as Taft found him. | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| The two companions started off on the long and winding road north. They knew mankind would not except them; an overly fat man and a magical little gnome. However, Taft still dreamt of being ruler of his own tribe, so the two decided to travel to the North Pole, a place where no one in their right mind would ever go looking for them, and they could begin their tribe there. When they reached the Pole, they set up camp, and . . . mated. Yes, they mated. No one really knows how, but no one really cares, so let's just leave it at that: they mated and started a new civilization. When Taft had their first baby (named Estherario) the couple realized that they needed a name for their new tribe. The baby grew up, and was kinda short and fat, like Taft's old Sevle tribesmen that he remembered. So they named their tribe, in memory of the lost Sevle people, the Elves, because Elves is Sevle backwards. | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
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| And so the years passed, and the tribe grew. However, Taft was not left unaffected by Ned's destructive bite made in the past. He was always kinda weird, kinda backwards in the head. His tribe always did what he commanded, because they knew that he had a weapon under that belt of his that they hoped never to see. Taft did make some odd comands, though. He became obsessed with gifts of toys, trinkets, and, most of all, candy. He forced each of his tribesmen to learn to make these things, which he above all else treasured. Yet, for some reason, the man never used any of the "gifts." He had a mansion built, and he kept all his gifts in there. However, Ned did not approve of this packratish behavior, so he cast a spell on Taft's gifts so that once a year they would be stolen by an insane pack of flying platypuses. The creatures, after stealing the gifts, would fly around the world, break into people's houses at night, and hide the gifts in the first pair of socks they could find. In this way Taft never found any of his stolen gifts, and his mansion remained uncluttered. (Well, everything's relative...) | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| The first member of the Elves tribe, Estherario. Cute almost to the point of being disgusting. | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
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| The insane flying platypuses assembled. | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| So now you know the story of how the commercial Christmas as we know it came to be. Ned chose December 25 (unfortunately the same day that humans celebrate Christ's birth) as the day of the night of the platypus invasion because it was Rebmeced 52 backwards. William Howard Taft, who also experimented with running for President of the United States for a while, became known as Saint CLAUSE beCAUSE if you said "because" right it rhymed. The only reason that people knew who Saint Clause was was because rumor had it that the Yeti wasn't actually a Yeti, just some creepy fat guy who needed a name. (Many people got tired of saying Saint so they said Santa. I don't know why.) As people realized that someone kept putting toys, trinkets, and candy in their socks on Dec. 25, they began to leave out nasty old socks, known as stockings, so that they wouldn't get their good socks all covered in chocolate. No, there are no reindeer involved in Christmas. Who's ever heard of flying reindeer? | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
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