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| How It Really Happened | |||||||||||||||||||||
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| Christmas | |||||||||||||||||||||
| It was a bleak August night in Siberia. Funny little men, then known as the Siberian Sevle tribe, were huddled up in their wooly pajamas, and weasel amulets hung from their ears. All was quiet (perhaps too quiet, if ya catch my drift), and the only audible sound was that of the scamper of many Siberian wooly mice out in the cold Siberian . . . Siberia. One member of the Sevle tribe, however, was awake. | |||||||||||||||||||||
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| This Sevle tribesman was known as "William Howard Taft" by some . . . by others, "Death." Well, maybe not Death, but he could have been. Taft was a Sevle legend, particularly when it came to matters of his great, awe-inspiring fat. Much legend revolved around this blubber, and most of it was true. The lard was a weapon of mass destruction, able to topple great buildings or crush small armies. This weapon he used to keep the peace in Siberia, and he consequently became known to foreigners as the "Yeti." For this, he was a Sevle hero. However, lately a lot had been on his mind. His hamster, Mr. Squeekums, had been found dead behind Taft's earlobe, and the noble man took responsibility for the loss of this loved one. This led to depression, and depression led to madness. | |||||||||||||||||||||
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| Yep--that's Taft. | |||||||||||||||||||||
| Well, on this cold Siberian night (don't make me describe it again) Taft walked alone, along paths that only animals normally took. Taft, however, wasn't a normal guy. He was kinda different, and as he realized this, he also realized that HE COULD NOT SEE HIS FEET! Then he began to think back and recollect every time he had walked through the streets of his Siberian hometown, and he realized that alas! his fellow Sevle tribesmen had not been laughing in the joy of being safe in Taft's sight! No, rather they were laughing at him and his fat!! A sense of outrage filled Taft's heart as he savagly ripped his shirt in two and cast it at his feet. His many folds of blubber poured out like a flash flood at the absence of his restraining shirt, and there he stood like a mountain. A great, angry, squishy mountain, with big nipples. His day of rath had come. | |||||||||||||||||||||
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