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Christmas:
How It Really Happened |
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Click Me to Get Back to the "How It Really Happened" Page. |
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All hope now seemed lost to the Sevle tribesmen. At least -- to most of the Sevle tribesmen. However, one young tribeschild, known as Alexandrio, had a plan. Alexandrio was a child of many talents, but he was particularly well known for his horrible, ear-splitting electric keyboard playing. (Did I say talents? I meant . . . gifts . . . the kind you don't like . . . .) Alexandrio also knew that Taft's left ear was very sensitive after his incident with the death of his hamster. And so the boy ran -- ran for his life -- to his laboratory, wherein laid his last hope: a keyboard and a gnome called Ned. |
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Alexandrio, running |
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When Alexandrio reached his laboratory, he hurriedly prepared his plan. First he took his captive gnome Ned (whom he had captured earlier that year while hunting raccoons in Australia with a ping pong paddle) and stuffed him without explanation into a small box on top of his computer monitor. (Of course I've been talking about a computer keyboard the whole time. You didn't think I actually meant a musical keyboard, did you?) Alexandrio wasn't exactly sure why he did this, but it made him happy. He then took out a megaphone and affixed it to the computer's speakers, and positioned it all so that the megaphone faced out of the window of his lab and towards the not-too-distant mountain-of-a-man that was Taft. Now, Alexandrio's gnome Ned had had quite enough of this behavior, so he decided to sic his magic rabid weasel on Alexandrio. The weasel lept out of the computer onto Alexandrio's face. Its claws dug into Alexandrio's skin, and the poor Selve tribesboy wailed in agony. He pried off the weasel and flung it aside, but it was too late. The damage had been done, and the weasel's claws' black magic had found its way into Alexandrio. Then the boy began to play the computer game of all computer games: The Sims (with the Hot Date Expansion Pack, of course). |
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Alexandrio playing the keyboard. I think it's Asteroids. Maybe Tetris. |
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As soon as he placed his knobby little fingers on the keys of that keyboard, Alexandrio
knew something was wrong.
He began to twitch violently, and could not control his fingers. Soon he realized that HE COULD NOT CLICK THE "PLAY GAME" BUTTON!!! He tried and tried, but failed pathetically. He could make no large noise with his computer for the megaphone to damage Taft's ear, and could not save his tribe. He was doomed. The only sound he could produce was a faint "click-click . . . click!"
Then he realized that he could yell into the megaphone, and it might work EVEN BETTER than his computer! However, right as he reached for the megaphone, he felt a great rumbling, and knew it was too late. He looked up and saw no ceiling, for it had been removed by the one who now glared done at him menacingly from an unfathomable height: William Howard Taft.
*BUM-BUM-BUM* (scream!)
Alexandrio was devestated, and this devastation turned to frustration, and frustration turned to anger. Between tears, the boy sobbed, "You . . . you killed my brothers, you killed my sisters, you broke my pretty roof . . . and you're way too fat! . . . You suck."
And with that last line Alexandrio threw Taft a critical blow -- he threw a wood box at him. The box was none other than the one that held the gnome called Ned. The box broke on impact, and Ned, being quite frightened finding himself aboard a squishy, wiggly mountain of a man, clambered up, up, and into Taft's immense belly button. Right as Taft had his arm swinging downwards toward Alexandrio, the magical gnome Ned bit the inside of the giant's navel. |
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