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The Joke Cellar!
These are jokes that have been sent to me by friends, family and some
rather strange people who heard I liked to get jokes. they are in no order
or rating scale. If you wish for me to add your jokes,
just e-mail them to me and I�ll see what I can do.
A 92 year-old man went to the Doctor to get a physical. A few
days later the Dr. saw the man walking down the street with a
gorgeous young lady on his arm.
A couple of days later the Dr. talked to the man and said,
"You're really doing great, aren't you?"
The man replied, "Just doing what you said Doctor, 'Get a hot
mamma and be cheerful."
The Doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said you got a heart
murmur. Be careful."
A young blonde comes home from school and asks her mother,
"Is it true what Rita just told me? That babies come out of
the same place where boys put their thingies?"
"Yes, dear," replied her mother, pleased that the subject had
finally come up and she wouldn't have to explain it.
"But then when I have a baby, won't it knock my teeth out?"
An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the God-given responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce children beyond comparison. With that as his mission he began searching for the perfect woman. After a diligent, but fruitless, search up and down the East coast, he started to head west. Shortly thereafter he met a farmer who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away. So he explained his mission to the farmer, asking for permission to marry one of them. The farmer simply replied, "They're all looking' to get married, so you came to the right place. Look them over and select the one you want." The man dated the first daughter. The next day the farmer asked for the man's opinion. "Well" said the man," She's just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice . . . but pigeon-toed." The farmer nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls; so the man went out with the second daughter. The next day, the farmer again asked how things went. "Well," the man replied, "She's just a weeeee bit, not that you can hardly tell . . . cross-eyed." The farmer nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if things might be better. So he did. The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming, "She's perfect, just perfect! She's the one I want to marry!" So they were wed right away. Months later when the baby was born, the man visited the nursery and was horrified: the baby was the ugliest, most pathetic human you can imagine. He rushed to his father-in-law asking how such a thing could happen considering the parents. "Well," explained the farmer, "She was just a weeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell . . . pregnant when you met her."
A State Trooper pulls a car over on a lonely back road and approaches the blonde lady driver. "Ma'am, is there a reason that you're weaving all over the road?" The woman replied, "Oh officer, thank goodness you're here!! I almost had an accident! I looked up and there was a tree right in front of me. I swerved to the left and there was another tree in front of me. I swerved to the right and there was another tree in front of me!" Reaching through the side window to the rear view mirror, the officer replied, "Ma'am... that's your Pine Tree(tm) Air Freshener!"
As the crowded elevator descended, Mrs. Wilson became
increasingly furious with her husband, who was delighted to be
pressed against a gorgeous blonde. As the elevator stopped at
the main floor, the blonde suddenly whirled, slapped Mr. Wilson, and said,
"That will teach you to pinch!"
Bewildered, Mr. Wilson was halfway to the parking lot with his
wife when he choked, "I...I...didn't pinch that girl."
"Of course you didn't" said his wife, consolingly. "I did."
A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day of work. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom and said, "Your first job will be to sweep out the store." "But I'm a college graduate," the young man replied indignantly. "Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know that," said the manager. "Here, give me the broom - I'll show you how."
The psychiatrist was holding a group consultation with three young
mothers and their small children.
"You all have obsessions," he told them.
To the first one, he said, "Your obsession is eating. Why
you've even named your daughter Candy."
The second, he said, was obsessed by money. "Again, it
manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."
At this point, the third mother arose and, taking her little
boy by the hand, whispered, "Let's go, Peter."
QUICKIES
You might be a redneck if...
you think testicles are found on an Octopus
You might be a redneck if...
you think Asphalt describes 'blaming it on your butt'
You might be a redneck if...
you think KOTEX is a radio station in Cincinnati
Upgrading to Wife 1.0
Last year a friend of mine upgraded from Girlfriend 4.0 to Wife 1.0 and found that it's
a memory hog leaving few system resources for other applications. He is also now
noticing the Wife 1.0 is also spawning Child-processes which are further consuming
valuable resources. No mention of this particular phenomenon was included in the
product documentation, though other users have informed me that this is to be
expected due to the nature of the application.
Not only that, Wife 1.0 installs itself so that it is always launched at system
initialization where it can monitor all other system activity. Some applications such as
PokerNite 10.3 , Bachelor Party 2.5, and Pubnite 7.0 are no longer able to run on the
system at all, causing the system to lockup when launched (even though the apps
worked fine before).
Wife 1.0 provides no installation options. Thus, the installation of undesired plug-ins
such as Mother-in-law 55.8 and the Brother-in-law Beta is unavoidable. Also, system
performance seems to diminish with each passing day.
Some features my friend would like to see in the upcoming Wife 2.0:
A "don't remind me again" button.
Minimize button.
Ability to delete the "headache" file
An install feature that provides an option to uninstall 2.0 version without loss
loss of other system resources.
An option to run the network driver in "promiscuous mode" allowing the the
system's Hardware Probe feature to be much more useful/effective.
I myself wish I had decided to avoid all of the headaches associated with Wife 1.0 by
sticking with Girlfriend 3.0 Even here, however, I have found many problems.
Apparently you cannot install Girlfriend 4.0 on top of girlfriend 3.0. You must uninstall
Girlfriend 3.0 first, otherwise the two versions of Girlfriend will have conflicts over
shared use of the I/O port. Other users have told me that this is a long-standing
problem that I should have been aware of. Guess that explains what happened to
versions 1 and 2.
To make matters worse, the uninstall program for Girlfriend 3.0 doesn't work very
well, leaving undesirable traces of the application in the system. Another identified
problem is that all versions of Girlfriend have annoying little messages about the
advantages of upgrading to Wife 1.0!
VIRUS ALERT
All users should be aware that Wife 1.0 has an undocumented bug. If you try to
install Mistress 1.1 before uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files
before doing the uninstall itself. Once that happens, Mistress 1.1 won't install and
you will get an "insufficient resources" error message. To avoid the aforementioned
bug, try installing Mistress 1.1 on a different system and " never" run any file transfer
applications(such as Laplink) between the two systems.
FYI: Don't even think about a shared directory!!!!!!!!!
NEXT
