A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to
examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be
buried or cremated. As he examined the body of Mr. Schwartz,
who was about to be cremated, he made an amazing discovery:
Schwartz had the longest penis he had ever seen!
"I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," said the mortician, "but I can't
send you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge penis
like this. It has to be saved for posterity." And the
coroner used his tools to remove the dead man's schlong.
The coroner stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it
home. The first person he showed was his wife. "I have
something to show you that you won't believe," he said, and
he opened his briefcase.
"Oh, my god!" she screamed, "Schwartz is dead!"
The year is 2222 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating
enough frequent flier miles. They meet a Martian couple and are
talking about all sorts of things.
Mike asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers,
how they make money, etc.
Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex. "Just how do you guys
do it?" asks Maureen.
The Martian responds, "Pretty much the way you do."
A discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners
for the night and experience one another.Maureen and the male Martian
go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips.
He's got only a teeny, weenie member--about half an inch long
and just a quarter inch thick.
"I don't think this is going to work," says Maureen.
"Why?" he asks, "What's the matter?"
"Well," she replies, "It's just not long enough to reach me!"
"No problem," he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his
palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it's
quite impressively long.
"Well," she says, "That's quite impressive, but it is still narrow.�
"No problem," he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull,
his member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is
extremely exciting to the woman.
"Wow!" she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad, passionate
love. The next day the couples rejoin their normal partners and go
their separate ways.
As they walk along, Mike asks "Well, was it any good?"
"I hate to say it," says Maureen, "but it was pretty wonderful.
"How about you?"
"It was horrible," he replies, "all I got was a headache. . .
she kept slapping my forehead and pulling my ears."
After years of his wife's pleading, this rich good ole boy
finally goes with her to her little local Church on Sunday
morning. He was so moved by the preacher's sermon that on the way
out he stopped to shake his hand.
He said, "Reverend, that was the best damn sermon I ever did
hear!"
The Preacher replied, "Oh!! Why, thank you sir, but please, I'd
appreciate it if you didn't use profanity in the Lord's house."
The man said, "I'm sorry Reverend, but I can't help myself, it
was such a damn good sermon!"
The Reverend said, "Sir, PLEASE, I cannot have you behaving this
way in Church!"
The man said, "Okay Reverend, but I just wanted you to know that
I thought it was so damn good, I put $5000 in that there
collection plate."
And the Reverend said, "NO SHIT?"
Lena and Sven got married in St. Paul. They planned to
honeymoon in Lena's aunt's cabin in Duluth. They caught a
bus that was filled with deer hunters.
About 30 minutes out of St. Paul the bus broke down right
next to a nice hotel. Sven said to Lena, "Lena, there's a
comfortable hotel right here. How about consummating our
marriage?"
Lena replied, "No. I vant to wait till ve get to Duluth."
The repaired bus took off. Fifty miles down the road, it broke
down again. This time it was next to a good looking motel.
Sven turned to Lena and asked, "Look Lena. There's a nice
motel. Can ve consummate our marriage?"
Lena said, "No. I vant to wait till ve get to Duluth."
The bus was repaired and off they went. Ten miles down the
road, the bus broke down. This time they were our in the
woods. However, there was a little clearing out of the sight
of the bus.
Lena turned to Sven, "I tink ve should go back into the voods
and do it."
Later when they returned the bus, Sven asked Lena, "Earlier
ve vere next to a nice hotel and you said 'No'. Then, ve vere
by a motel and you said 'No'. But, here ve vent out into the
grassy voods and did it. Why?"
Lena said, "I vas listening to the hunters. They said if the bus
broke down again, the fucking season vould be over."
The drinker announced to the bartender, "It seems I've been
informally named advisor on 'Sexual Matters' at my
company."
"That sounds interesting. Does this mean you'll be
counseling the big bosses on relations with their
secretaries?"
"I'm not sure yet," he answered. "During a staff meeting, I
popped up to suggest a reduction in executive expense
accounts and it was after that I was told if they ever
wanted my fucking advice, they'd let me know."
A Boston man sits on his living room couch watching the American
League Championship Series between the Boston Red Sox and the New
York Yankees, as any man is prone to do. In comes his wife, huffing
and puffing, and stands in front of the television screen. At that
moment, Red Sox shortstop Nomar Garciaparra hits a two-run homer.
"Stan!" she yelled. "I think you love the Red Sox more than you
love me."
"You know what?" the man said full of rage. "Right now I love
the Yankees more than you!"
A man boards an airplane, and takes his seat. As he settles in, he
glances up and sees the most beautiful woman boarding the plane.
He soon realizes she is heading straight towards his seat. A wave
of nervous anticipation washes over him. Lo and behold, she takes
the seat right beside his. Anxious to strike up a conversation, he
blurts out, "So where are you flying to today?"
She turns and smiles, and says, "To the annual Nymphomaniac
Convention, in Chicago."
He swallows hard, and is instantly CRAZED with excitement. Here's
the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen, sitting RIGHT next to
him, and she's going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs. Struggling to
maintain his outward cool, he calmly asks, "And what's your role at
this convention?"
She flips her hair back, turns to him, locks onto his eyes and says,
"Well, I try to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."
"Really" he says, swallowing hard. "And what myths are those?"
She explains, "Well, one popular myth is that African American men
are the most well-endowed when, in fact, it is the Native American
Indian
who is most likely to possess this trait. Another popular myth is that
Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Jewish
descent who romance women best, on average."
"Very interesting," the man responds.
Suddenly, the woman becomes very embarrassed, and blushes.
"I'm sorry,"
she says, "I feel so awkward discussing this with you, and I
don't even know your name."
The man extends his hand and replies, "Tonto... Tonto Goldstein."
There was a young fellow from Sparta.
A really magnificent farter.
On the strength of one bean
He'd fart "God Save the Queen,"
And Beethoven's Moonlight Sonata.
He could vary, with proper persuasion,
His fart to suit any occasion.
He could fart like a flute,
Like a lark, like a lute,
This highly fartistic Caucasian.
This sparkling young farter from Sparta,
His fart for no money would barter.
He could roar from his rear
Any scene from Shakespeare,
Or Gilbert and Sullivan's Mikado.
Nobody could play the classics finer,
As he showed me one day in the diner.
I had a bagel with lox
while he played from his buttocks:
Chopin's Etude #12 in C-minor.
He'd fart a gavotte for a starter,
And fizzle a fine serenata.
He could play on his anus
The Coriolanus:
Oof, boom,er-tum,tootle, yum tah-dah!
He was great in the Christmas Cantata,
He could double-stop fart the Toccata,
He'd boom from his ass
Bach's B-Minor Mass,
And in counterpoint, La Traviata.
Spurred on by a very high wager
With an envious German named Bager,
He'd proceeded to fart
The complete oboe part
Of a Haydn Octet in B-major.
His reportoire ranged from classics to jazz,
He achieved new effects with bubbles of gas.
With a good dose of salts
He could whistle a waltz
Or swing it in razzamatazz.
His basso profundo with timbre so rare
He rendered quite often, with power to spare.
But his great work of art,
His fortissimo fart,
He saved for the Marche Militaire.
One day he was dared to perform
The William Tell Overture Storm,
But naught could dishearten
Our spirited Spartan,
For his fart was in wonderful form.
It went off in capital style,
And he farted it through with a smile,
Then, feeling quite jolly,
He tried the finale,
Blowing double-stopped farts all the while.
The selection was tough, I admit,
But it did not dismay him one bit,
Then, with his ass thrown aloft
He suddenly coughed...
And collapsed in a shower of shit.
His bunghole was blown back to Sparta,
Where they buried the rest of our farter,
With a gravestone of turds
Inscribed with the words:
"To the Fine Art of Farting, A Martyr."
A drunken cowboy lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh
Amarillo
Theater. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the
cowboy,
"Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat."
The cowboy groaned but didn't budge.
The usher became more impatient: "Sir, if you don't get up from there
I'm going
to have to call the manager."
Once again, the cowboy just groaned.
The usher marched briskly back up the aisle, and in a moment he
returned
with the manager. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the
cowboy, but with no success.
Finally, they summoned the police.
The Texas Ranger surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right
buddy,
what's your name?"
"Sam," the cowboy moaned.
"Where ya from, Sam?" asked the Ranger.
With pain in his voice Sam replied, "The balcony..."
Church Football
Quarterback Sneak - Church members quietly leaving during the
invitation.
Draw Play - What many children do with the bulletin during worship.
Halftime - The period between Sunday School and worship when many
choose to leave
Benchwarmer - Those who do not sing, pray, work, or apparently do
anything but sit.
Backfield-in-Motion - Making a trip to the back (restroom or water
fountain) during the service.
Staying in the Pocket - What happens to a lot of money that should be
given to the Lord's work.
Two-minute Warning - The point at which you realize the sermon is
almost over and begin to gather up your children and belongings.
Instant Replay - The preacher loses his notes and falls back on last
week's illustrations.
Sudden Death - What happens to the attention span of the congregation
if the preacher goes "overtime".
Trap - You're called on to pray and are asleep.
End Run - Getting out of church quick, without speaking to any guest
or fellow member.
Flex Defense - The ability to allow absolutely nothing said during
the sermon to affect your life.
Halfback Option - The decision of 50% of the congregation not to
return for the evening service.
Blitz - The rush for the restaurants following the closing prayer.
FROM THE WHITE HOUSE ...
Democrats announced today they are changing their
emblem from a donkey to a condom because it more
clearly reflects their party's political stance.
A condom stands up to inflation, halts production,
discourages cooperation, protects a bunch of dicks
and gives a sense of security while screwing others.
An 80-year old man was having his annual checkup and the doctor
asked him how he was feeling.
"I've never been better!" he boasted. "I've got an eighteen
year old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do
you think about that?"
The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me
tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He
never missed a season. But one day, he went out in a bit of
a hurry, and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of
his gun." The doctor continued, "So he was in the woods, and
suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised
up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle.
And do you know what happened?" the doctor queried.
Dumbfounded, the old man replied, "No."
The doctor continued, "The bear dropped dead in front of him!"
"That's impossible!" exclaimed the old man. "Someone else
must have shot that bear."
"That's kind of what I'm getting at," replied the doctor.
Two construction workers are working the high beams. One
is on the third floor, one on the first. The guy on the third floor
needs a handsaw, but with all the noise from the construction,
the guy on the first can't hear him. He yells and
yells, but the guy on the first floor can't hear him.
So the guy on the third floor decides to use hand signals. He
points to his eye for "I", he points to his knee for "need," then
moves his hands back and forth for "handsaw."
The guy on the first floor drops his pants and starts masturbating.
The guy on the third floor gets mad and runs down to the first
floor and says, "What the hell are you doing! All I wanted was
a handsaw!"
The guy on the first floor says, "Yeah, I just wanted to tell
you I was coming."
Two cowboys were sitting in a bar when one asked his friend if he had
heard of the new sex position called rodeo.
His friend says no, what is it?
Well you mount your wife from the back, reach around and cup her
breasts with both hands. Then say, "boy, those are almost as nice
as your sister's".
Then see if you can hold on for 8 seconds.
The old couple were planning to go on a second honeymoon for
their 50th wedding anniversary. The old woman said, "We will go
to all the same places that we did on our first honeymoon."
"Uh huh," said the old man.
"We will do all the things that we did on our first honeymoon,"
said the old woman.
"Uh huh," said the old man.
"And we will make love like we did on our first honeymoon," said
the old woman.
"That's right," said the old man, "except this time I get to sit
on the side of the bed and cry, 'It's too big, it's too big!'"
A young woman was having a physical examination and was very
embarrassed because of a weight problem. As she removed her last
bit of clothing, she blushed.
"I'm so ashamed, Doctor," she said. "I guess I let myself go."
The physician was checking her eyes and ears. "Don't feel
ashamed, Miss. You don't look that bad."
"Do you really think so, Doctor?" she asked.
The doctor held a tongue depressor in front of her face and said,
"Of course. Now just open your mouth and say moo."
"But my elderly aunt was considered a highly respectable
spinster!" the society matron protested. "Can't you find *some*
way to cover up the shocking fact that she died in bed while
being simultaneously serviced by two paid studs???"
"You just leave it to me, Mrs. Van Horn," soothed the police
officer. "I'll just put it in my report that she died at the stroke of
two."
Why are Democrats better in bed?
Because you've never heard of getting a good piece of elephant.
Why do politicians envy ventriloquists?
Because they can lie without moving their lips.
What does a politician have in common with Jeffrey Dahmer?
They both have skeletons in their closet.
What do you call a politician who swears to tell the truth?
LIAR.
What do you call a democrat that sleeps around?
A breeding-heart liberal.
If con is the opposite of pro then what is the opposite of
progress?
What do you get when you cross a corrupt politician with a
corrupt lawyer?
Chelsea.
How does the IRS describe a day at work?
Taxing.
"Why isn't 11 pronounced onety one?"
John and Mary, both elderly residents in their 80's now live at a
retirement
home. The more time they spent together, the more friendly they got
with each
other and really began to enjoy each other's company. After about
three weeks
of getting to know each other, John said, "I know we are both old and
can't do
much sexually any more, but if I pulled out my penis, would you hold
it?"
Mary didn't see anything wrong with that, so she agreed.
Every day for the next month the couple would sit outside in the park
by the
lake and Mary would hold John's penis. One day John didn't show up at
their
regular meeting place. Mary became concerned and set out to search for
him.
Further down the shore Mary spotted John sitting on a bench with
another woman
beside him. She quickly walked up to the bench, only to find the old
man's penis in the other woman's hand.
This upset her very much and she yelled at John. "We've been together
for two
months now. I thought we were getting along just fine. Now I find you
here with
this other woman. What does she have that I don't!?"
A slight smile curled on John's face as he replied, "Parkinson's."
It was the usual muddy day in the country. Our first grade teacher,
Miss Brown, had just finished putting the 36th boot on the 18th pair
of little feet and was anxious to finish the last pair so she could
go to lunch.
The last pair of boots was for little Johnny Smith, a quiet boy. Miss
Brown had a very difficult time getting his boots on as they were a
bit too small for his growing feet, but she finally won the battle.
To her dismay, little Johnny looked blandly up into her face and
announced, "Teacher, these boots aren't mine." In a hurry, but wanting
to be kind, Miss Brown groaned, but with grim gentleness removed the
boots and straightened her aching back.
Whereupon Johnny continued, "They're my little brother's, but Mommy
said I could wear them to school today."
The sermon had been going on too long, and the Minister should have
been able to see the congregation getting more than a little restless;
he droned on none-the-less for yet another 15 minutes.
Finally, he paused and said, "What else can I say Brothers and
Sisters?"
"How about 'Amen' preacher?" said a hungry soul from the rear of
the Church.
A fireman is at the station house working on the fire
truck when he notices a little girl next door.
The little girl is in a little red wagon with little
ladders on the side.
She is wearing a fireman's hat and has the wagon tied
to a dog.
The fireman says "Hey little girl. What are you doing?
"The little girl says "I'm pretending to be a fireman
and this is my fire truck!"
The fireman walks over to take a closer look.
"Little girl that sure is a nice fire truck!" the fireman
says.
"Thanks mister," says the little girl.
The fireman looks a little closer and notices the little
girl has tied the dog to the wagon by its testicles.
Little girl," says the fireman, "I don't want to tell you
how to run your fire truck, but if you were to tie that rope
around the dog's neck I think you could go faster.
"The little girl says, "You're probably right mister, but
then I wouldn't have a siren!"
Bill Clinton broke the 11th commandment.
"Thou shalt not use thy rod on thy Staff"
A man was sitting at a bar, morosely staring at his
untouched beer. The bartender walked over with a sigh, and
asked "What's the problem, pal?"
"My brother just told me that there's a sperm bank in his
neighborhood that pays $40 for a donation."
"Yeah, so?"
"Don't you realize?" the man cried. "I've let a fortune slip
through my fingers!"
A Radio interview I heard a year or two ago. An American and
a UK journalist were discussing Thanksgiving. The American
asked if we celebrated Thanksgiving in the UK.
"Yes," the UK guy replied, "but we celebrate it on the 6th of
September."
"Why then?"
"That's when they the boats left."
One day while walking down the street a highly successful
executive woman was tragically hit by a bus and she died.
Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was met at the
Pearly Gates by St. Peter.
"Welcome to Heaven," said St. Peter. "Before you get settled
in though, it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely
enough, we've never once had an executive make it this far
and we're not really sure what to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in," said the woman. "Well, I'd
like to, but I have higher orders. What we're going to do
is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then
you can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity
"Actually, I think I've made up my mind...I prefer to stay
in Heaven," said the woman.
"Sorry, we have rules..."
And with that St. Peter put the executive in an elevator and
it went down to hell. The doors opened and she found herself
stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course.
In the distance was a country club and standing in front of her
were all of her friends and they were all dressed in fine evening
wear and cheering for her. They ran up and kissed her on both
cheeks and they talked about old times.
They played an excellent round of golf and at night went to the
country club where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster
dinner. She met the Devil who was actually a really nice guy and
she had a great time telling jokes and dancing.
She was having such a good time that before she knew it, it was
time to leave. Everybody shook her hand and waved good-bye as
she got on the elevator. The elevator went back up to the Pearly
Gates and found St. Peter. "Now it's time to spend a day in heaven,"
he said.
So she spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds and playing
the harp and singing. She had a great time and before she knew it
her 24 hours were up and St. Peter came and got her.
"So, you've spent a day in hell and you've spent a day in heaven.
Now you must choose your eternity," he said.
The woman paused for a second and then replied, "Well, I never
thought I'd say this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and
all, but I think I had a better time in Hell."
So St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and again she went back
to Hell. When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself
standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. She
saw her friends were dressed in rags and were picking up the garbage
and putting it in sacks. The Devil came up to her and put his arm
around her.
"I don't understand," stammered the woman, "yesterday I was here
and there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster
and we danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland
of garbage and all my friends look miserable."
The Devil looked at her and smiled. "Yesterday we were recruiting
you. Today you're staff."
Three cowboys are sitting around a campfire, out on the lonesome
prairie, each with the bravado for which cowboys are famous.
A night of tall tales begins.
The first says, "I must be the meanest, toughest cowboy there is.
Why, just the other day, a bull got loose in the corral and gored six
men
before I wrestled it to the ground by the horns, with my bare hands.
The second can't stand to be bested. "Why that's nothing. I was
walking
down the trail yesterday and a fifteen foot rattler slid out from under
a
rock and made a move for me. I grabbed that snake with my bare hands
bit its
head off and sucked the poison down in one gulp and I'm still here
today."
The third cowboy remained silent, slowly stirring the coals with his
penis
Q: Why do women have foreheads?
A: So you have somewhere ""else"" to kiss them after you cum in their
mouths.
Q: What is arguably one of the most costly things in the world?
A: A girl who is free for the evening.
Q: Why do women have smaller feet than men?
A: So that they can stand closer to the sink.
Q: What do you call balls on a gay?
A: Mud flaps.
Q: What is the definition of true male eloquence?
A: When a guy can describe Dolly Pardon without using his hands.
Q: What becomes of the guy who can't pay his bill at the whorehouse?
A: They make him wash the douches.
Q: What should a guy do when his girlfriend forgets to take her birth
control pills?
A: Give her a good tongue lashing.
Q: What's the difference between Clint Eastwood and sex up the ass?
A: One makes your day. The other makes your hole week.
Q: What goes into thirteen twice?
A: Michael Jackson.
Q: What do women and ovens have in common?
A: You have to get them both hot before you can stick your meat in.
A woman died and found herself standing outside the Pearly Gates, being
greeted
by St. Peter. She asked him, "Oh, is this place what I really think it
is? It's so beautiful. Did I really make it to heaven?"
To which St. Peter replied, "Yes, my dear, these are the Gates to
Heaven. But you must do one more thing before you can enter.
" The woman was very excited, and asked of St. Peter what
she must do to pass through the gates.
"Spell a word," St. Peter replied.
"What word?" she asked.
"Any word," answered St. Peter. "It's your choice."
The woman promptly replied, "Then the word I will spell is love.
L-o-v-e."
St. Peter congratulated her on her good fortune to have made it to
Heaven, and
asked her if she would mind taking his place at the gates for a few
minutes while he went to the bathroom.
"I'd be honored," she said, "but what should I do if someone comes
while you are gone?"
St. Peter reassured her, and instructed the woman simply have any
newcomers to
the Pearly Gates to spell a word as she had done. So the woman is left
sitting
in St. Peter's chair and watching the beautiful angels soaring around
her, when
lo and behold, a man approaches the gates, and she realizes it is her
husband.
"What happened?" she cried, "Why are you here?"
Her husband stared at her for a moment, then said, "I was so upset when
I left
your funeral, I was in an accident. And now I am here? Did I really
make it to Heaven?"
To which the woman replied, "Not yet. You must spell a word first."
"What word?" he asked.
The woman responded, "Czechoslovakia".
You might be a redneck if...
You think an erection is when Japanese people vote
You might be a redneck if...
you think a condom is a large apartment complex
You might be a redneck if...
A diaphragm is a drawing in geometry
One day a man went to an auction. While there, he bid on a parrot. He
really wanted this bird, so he got caught up in the bidding. He kept
on bidding, but kept getting outbid, so he bid higher and higher and
higher.
Finally, after he bid way more than he intended, he won the bid - the
parrot was his at last!
As he was paying for the parrot, he said to the Auctioneer, "I sure
hope this parrot can talk. I would hate to have paid this much for it,
only to find out that he can't talk!"
"Don't worry." said the Auctioneer, "He can talk. Who do you think
kept bidding against you?"
