How do crazy people go through the forest? They take the psycho path How do you get holy water? Boil the hell out of it What did the fish say when it hit a concrete wall? "Dam!" What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long? Polaroids What do you call a boomeang that doesn't come back? A stick What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho Cheese What do you call Santa's helpers? Subordinate Clauses What do you call four bullfighters in quicksand? Quatro sinko What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? Frostbite What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A nervous wreck What's the difference between roast beef and peasoup? Anyone can roast beef Where do you find a dog with no legs? Right where you left him Why do gorillas have big nostrils? Because they have big fingers Why don't blind people like to sky dive? Because it scares the hell out of the dog What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic? Sanka What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover? The location of the dirt bag Why does a pilgrim's pants always fall down? Because they wear their belt buckle on their hat What's the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver? A bad golfer goes, WHACK! "Damn." A bad skydiver goes, "Damn." WHACK! What do you call a man with a car on his head? Jack How do you catch a unique rabbit? Unique up on it! How do you catch a tame rabbit? Tame way, unique up on it! What do you call skydiving lawyers? Skeet What goes clop, clop, clop, bang, bang, clop, clop clop? An Amish drive-by shooting How are a Texas tornado and a Tennessee divorce the same? Somebody's gonna lose a trailer A duck walks into a bar and asks,"Excuse me, sir, do you have any grapes?" "WHAT?" The bartender says,"This is a BAR we serve ALCOHOL! What are you doing here anyway, you're just a duck!" So the duck leaves. but, the next day he is back. "Do you have any grapes?" he asks. "What are you talking about? I already said we DON'T HAVE GRAPES HERE! Just beer! get the hell out you stupid duck!" So the duck leaves, but the next day, he is back up on the barstool! "Do you have any grapes?" the duck asks. "OK! I've had enough of you! If you come back here ONE MORE TIME I WILL NAIL YOUR WEBBED FEET TO THE FLOOR!!" the Bartender screams. So the duck leaves. And suprisingly, the next day he is back again. "What are YOU doing here?" the bartender asks. "Do you have any nails?" says the duck. "No..." "Do you have any grapes?" One night a guy takes his girlfriend home. As they are about to kiss each other goodnight at the front door, when the guy starts feeling a little horny. With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and smiling, he says to her, "Honey, would you give me a blow job?" Horrified, she replies, "Are you mad? My parents will see us!" "Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?" He asks grining at her. "No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?" "Oh come on! There's nobody around, they're all sleeping!" "No way. It's just too risky!" "Oh please, please, I love you so much?!?" "No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just can't!" "Oh yes you can. Please?" "No, no. I just can't" "I'm begging you ... " Out of the blue, the light on the stairs goes on, and the girl's sister shows up in her pyjamas, hair disheveled, and in a sleepy voice she says, "Dad says to go ahead and give him a blow job, or I can do it. Or if need be, mom says she can come down herself and do it. But for God's sake tell him to take his hand off the intercom!" Barbie's and Ken's Letter to Santa BARBIE'S LETTER TO SANTA: Dear Santa: Listen you fat troll, I've been saving your ass every year, being the perfect Christmas Present, wearing skimpy bathing suits in December and dressing in fake Chanel at sappy tea parties. I hate to break it to ya,' Santa, but it's payback time. There had better be some changes around here, or I'm gonna call for a nationwide meltdown, and trust me, you don't wanna be around to smell it. These are my demands for Christmas 1999: 1. Sweat pants and an oversized sweatshirt. I'm sick of looking like a hooker in hot pink bikinis. Do you have any idea what it feels like to have nylon and velcro up your butt? I don't suppose you do. 2. Real underwear that can be pulled on and off. That cheap-o molded underwear some genius at Mattel came up with looks like cellulite! 3. A REAL man... I don't care if you have to go to Hasbro to get him, bring me GI JOE. Hell, I'd take Tickle-Me-Elmo over that pathetic bump of a boytoy, Ken. And what was up with that earring anyway? HALLO!?! 4. It's about time you made us all anatomically correct. Give me arms that actually bend so I can push the aforementioned Ken-wimp away once he is anatomically correct. 5. Breast reduction surgery. 'Nuff said. 6. A jog-bra. To wear until I get the surgery. 7. A new career. Doctor's and Lawyer's make real money. 8. A new, more 90s persona. Maybe "PMS Barbie," complete with a pint of cookie dough ice cream and a bag of chips. 9. No more McDonald's endorsements. The grease is wrecking my vinyl complexion. 10. Mattel stock options. It's been 40 years -I think I deserve a piece of the action. Considering my valuable contribution to society and Mattel, I think these demands are reasonable. If you don't like it, you can find yourself a new bitch for next Christmas. It's that simple. As ever, Barbie KEN'S LETTER TO SANTA: Dear Santa: It has come to my attention that one of my colleagues has petitioned you for changes in her contract, specifically asking for anatomical and career changes. In addition, it is my understanding that disparaging remarks were made about me, my sexuality, and some of my fashion choices. I would like to take this opportunity to inform you of issue concerning Ms. Barbie, as well as some of my own needs and desires: First, I, along with several of my colleagues, feel Ms. Barbie DOES NOT deserve the preferential treatment she has received over the years. That bitch has everything. Neither I, nor Joe, nor The Raggedys, Ann & Andy, have dream houses, Corvettes, dune buggies, evening gowns, and some of us do not even have the ability to change our hairstyle. I have had a limited wardrobe, obviously designed to complement but never upstage Ms. Barbie. My decision to accessorize with an earring was immediately squashed, which I protest, for it was my decision and reflects my lifestyle choice. I would like a change in my career to further explore my creative nature. Some options which could be considered are: "Decorator Ken,""Beauty Salon Ken," or "Broadway Ken." Other avenues which could be considered are: "Impersonator Ken" (with wigs and gowns), or "West Hollywood Ken." These would more accurately reflect my interests and, I believe, open up markets that have been under served. As for Ms. Barbie needing bendable arms so she can "push me away," I need bendable knees so I can kick the bitch to the curb. Bendable knees would also be helpful in other situations of which you are aware. In closing, further concessions to the Blonde Bimbo from Hell, while the needs of others within my coalition are ignored, will result in legal action to be taken by myself and others. And kindly tell Ms. Barbie she can forget about G.I. Joe...he's mine, at least that's what he said last night. Sincerely, Ken Theory vs Reality One day a son asked his father what was the difference between "theory" and "reality". His father thought and then said "Go ask your Mother if she would sleep with the next door neighbor for a half million dollars." The son went to his mother and asked her. She thought about it a minute and then said, "Yes, yes I would." The son returned to his father and told him her reply. The father then told the son to go ask his sister if she would sleep with the next door neighbor's son for a half million dollars. The son went to his sister and asked her. She thought about it for a minute and then replied, "Yes, yes I would." The son returned to his father and told him his sister also said she would. The father said, "Well son, there you have it. In theory, we're living with a million bucks. In reality, we're living with a couple of whores." |
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