Why does life have to be so confussing? Why do feelings have to be so confussing? Give me happy, sad(so we know what we really have when we have happy) and love and say to hell with all the rest. My head is so messed up lately, no I am so messed up lately. I want to run away from myself, disconnect my body from my brain, my heart and soul from the rest of me and just have them out there floating around or whatever they would do. They couldn't be any worse off then where they are right now. Everyday for more than a year my heart has been thousands of miles away from me, it flourishes while the rest of me just dies. I don't know how to keep both alive and well when they are so far apart. I feel like such a failure in my life and I'm such an idiot to. I've just sent my gurlfriend off to think about all her reasons to stay with me and all her reasons to leave me. How stupid can I get, if she didn't have reasons to leave me before now that she's thinking of it maybe she will discover I'm right when I say I'm not what she wants. I'd leave me right about now to.
I don't know what is wrong with me, I love her to death and she has always been there for me and now just because I'm having a bit of a breakdown I tell her she should leave me. I need her more than ever now and I just had her go away to think over reasons to leave me. If she stays now it will be a miracle. If I just ruined the best thing I've ever had, the only thing that has made me happy, I will never forgive myself. Failing at love because I was afraid she would agree with me when I said I was a failure. What was I thinking! She doesn't love me only if I can succeed at something, she's been my support and encouragement, she's been my best friend, and now she might come back in a couple of hours and tell me she doesn't want me anymore. That she loves me, but maybe we should just end it now before there's too much to turn back from. Too much! Too much, I don't have my own heart anymore, I never will because it will always be hers. I want her to be happy and the way I am right now I know it leaves her worried and scared for me and maybe she would be happier without me and if she really would then I don't want to hold her back, but I would die inside without her. Nothing else matters if I just ruined what we have. A job I will find and if not I guess I should think about moving home or something, writing will happen for me and if not I can change careers, but Lisa, there's nothing else to it, I want her, I love her so much I'm scared out of my mind about losing her.
If she stays with me, I'm changing. No more of this stupid self pity shit. I'm only twenty-one I have years to go before I can seriously fail at life. I still have alternatives right now, I might not like them but they are there. And no more doubting myself when it comes to her, she's told me so many times how she feels about me and I always wonder why and crack jokes, I'm just being stupid when I do that. Knowing she loves me should be enough for me to know I have worth and that there is something in me she likes, she hasn't stuck around this long just cause she hopes she can change me into the person she wants. And if she doesn't stay then I really don't know where I will be anymore. I only see as far as my love and as far as my fear of losing her.
I am so sorry for everything Lisa, so sorry. I love you more than you will ever know and I will cherish your love forever no matter if you stay or go. |
