Let me state one thing here, bordom leads people to do odd things. For example, have you ever videoed yourself while doing just some everday activity and then later watched it to see what you looked like or what habbits you have? No, well I admit that I have, just resently. I have more of a reason than the above but it was in watching myself that I discovered some of my habbits. I'm not egotistical and most of the time I don't think very highly of myself, appearance wise, so I can guarantee I didn't do this just because I like watching myself as much as I like watching say Gina Gershon or Angelina Jolie or more importantly Lisa when that becomes a possibility. I have, or had - it is getting a lot better - low self esteem for a really long time, if you have read my diary previously you may have read a few entries about my intimidations and self consciousness, they can be pretty bad at times and have stopped me from doing a number of things I want or should do but haven't because of them. So I have been getting more and more away from them lately and I think I'm doing pretty good, mostly. Videoing myself was another attempt at finding comfort or atleast a tolerance to being seen and seeing myself as others do. I only recorded for a short time, seven minutes or there abouts, since I was going to watch it again and didn't want tonnes of time watching myself do pretty much nothing at all. Pretty boring if I don't say so myself.
In the first minute or so I was conscious of being videoed and looked at the camera self consciously. But as I was unable to see myself as I was recording I got comfortable in that short time at having the camera pointed at me. In play back, again at first I was self conscious to watch myself, thoughts running through my head that become kin with my self esteem issues. But as I just sat back and watched, as if watching any other filming be it a movie or tv show, I paid attention to what was happening and realized, at least in those brief moments, that it wasn't as horrifying as I had first expected. Maybe I have come a long way in my self consciousness, before I wouldn't have been able to watch myself with ease, laughing at times at myself but not because of how I was feeling but because of those habbits I mentioned above that I have since learned I have. They say we need to be able to laugh at ourselves, so now I have. And each time I find myself repeating those habbits I laugh again knowing exactly what I am doing, though I tried to stop myself. In the short clip filmed of me typing at my computer, like I said pretty boring for any longer than I recorded for, I noticed two things I do repeatedly. One I think is to help me think, or so I will say, or it is just attributed to my inability to keep my concentration set on what I am doing, this is a fairly recent development. Sitting at my computer, beside me is my balcony and a view of the parking lot and road, again rather boring but I see movement out of the corner of my eye and turn often to look outside at the passing cars, the walking people, the lowering sun, a bird when my birdies used to come around. In those seven minutes I probably turned at least ten times! The second thing I do I don't know why I do it, I guess just because. I don't even know if I can describe it, it's just something I do with my mouth. I can't recall doing it so often before so perhaps it is a subselfconscious action, if there is such a thing.
But did I learn anything from this little experiment? I think I did and not just about my habbits. In truth, and still I say this unegotistically, I'm not a three horned, eight legged, mummified creatin that looking upon will cause your eyes to burn out of your head and your heart to turn to stone...although I've never let my anger come outside of my head so perhaps if you get me mad enough we will discover together that I am the above, but I'll remain innocent for now:) I don't know why for so long I had let my self consciousness grow to such a level as it had and at times I know it is still there as strong as before, maybe it is like being a recovered alcoholic or drug addict, the urge is always there but now you have the strength to say no when before you didn't. I'm not sure. I want this to be away from me completely, then the real reason for my experiment can be played out or maybe in playing it out the rest will go away that way. I'm tempted to do it that way around, but if it doesn't work that way and it just makes me more self conscious and takes me back a ways down the path I have already come, that wouldn't be good. So I'm unsure of what to do. I think in just going ahead with my reason for this experiment I will quickly become used to what is happening and self conscious or not it wont matter, it would become easier each time as I can attest to from experience in another area involving that. It is just the initializer that puts you through the test to see if you are ready for what you have set up for yourself, and if you weren't really ready at the beginning then by the end you probably are because it's over and you realize once again that the three horns and eight legs aren't there. If this is making sense without me saying it all then bless you, as I can't say all until I know what I am doing, for reason I also can't say. I still can't quite spill everything in this diary, I suppose that is why I still keep a paper one aswell.
On a slight tangent and related to yesterday's entry, I want to take a bigger stand for homosexuality. A few letters to the editor in the local paper aren't enough to open anyone's eyes. I want headlines and full pages and fireworks to blast when even one person will listen to the truth. All day I have thought that I should start writing articles to much larger newpapers and magazines, doing something to really take action as I am fed up with what I have been reading and hearing lately. Narrowminds make me so angry...maybe I will start growing those three horns if I hear anymore crap about gays not being able to marry because marriage is meant for a man and a woman. I don't seem to recall any genitalia test being a requirement for getting a marriage license to make sure there is only one penis and one vagina taking the vows! What bull shit. People marry because they are in love, or so that should be the reason, and not because his thing fits her hole - please forgive the politically correct terms, haha. If that were the reason I would assume marriage could be between a man and his donut, mini donut for some, or between a woman and a vibrator. If anybody understands the workings of a homophobic mind, please fill me in because I don't. |
