Jazzie is in the hospital. I can't believe it. I think I'm kind of numb to the idea that she might not make it. I want to be strong for Lisa and keep hope for Jazzie's recovery, but all I can think about is that she might not recover. If I let myself think about either of them or think about the future, I think about how Lisa is feeling, how Jazzie is feeling, how our future will be if she doesn't make it and how it will be if she does make it. How can this be happening? I can't even be there with Lisa while she goes through this. I'm here for her and she knows that, but what good does a few typed words do? I can't hold her with words or kiss her with words and I can't stand beside her with words as she gets the latest news from the doctor. When she needs me I can't be there to give her my shoulder to cry on and I can't cry with her. I hate this. I'm tired of just wishing I was there. I'm tired of just wishing they were here. I'm tired of wishing I had money so we could be together now instead of waiting any longer. I just wish the wishing was over and I desperatley wish I was there with her through this.
I know this is going to sound selfish but Jazzie has to make it because I need to hold her in my arms, I need to look in her eyes, I need to see her smile, I need to love her through her very long and happy life. And she has to make it cause I don't want Lisa feeling such pain and sadness, I don't like when she is hurting cause it hurts me when she isn't happy and I can do absolutely nothing to take away the bad feelings. What can I do, what can I say to make this all better? I know that's a dumb question cause there isn't anything I can do but hope and have faith but that doesn't seem like enough. I want to physically be able to do something so I can feel useful. Right now I feel whenever my thoughts drift to if she doesn't make it, I am somehow jeopardizing her recovery and if there is a God and she is listening then she only hears those thoughts and not my hope or my repeated 'she has to make it, she will.' I'm trying to be realistic and not be in denial, but if I'm in denial I can believe that she will be just fine and she'll be back home and giggling in Lisa's arms again real soon. But if I let myself do that, it will be an even bigger blow if she never giggles again, if she never goes home again.
I thought writing would help, it doesn't, it just keeps bringing me close to having tears stream down my face again. Maybe I will write more later. I love you so much Jazzie, my heart, hope and faith is with you always. Lisa I am here for you, no matter what happens we will get through it together. If anyone is reading this please send your strength over to my gurls in Australia, thanx. |
