some entries have been taken from various diaries of mine
Lisa - Please keep in mind that I was only doubting because I didn't want to loose you, and now I know I won't loose you so I don't doubt...I'm sorry I was ever unsure
Why, oh why, have I been blessed with falling in love with someone on the other side of the world? Love sucks...no wait, it isn't love that sucks, it is the situations and conflicts surrounding love that bite the big one. Love itself is beautiful and powerful. It can make you smile just thinking about it, make your heart race anticipating that first embrace, it weakens your knees but doesn't let you fall.
But my love, our love is different...and the same. We profess our love with words much deeper than 'I love you' and yet we have never met in person. We dream of the day when we can be together and yet we have never heard each other's voice. We share in the pain of physical distance and the pleasure of emotional closeness and yet we don't know each other's address. And we envision a life together forever and yet I don't even know if she is real.
I know I do love her, the real her, the fake her. If she is just some image being placed in my head I love who she is, who she has been made to be. She is strong and sweet, caring and comforting. She gave me courage to come out to one friend. She has said the things that I have needed to hear. She has made me feel worthy of love and of giving my love. She has put a smile on my face when I thought I couldn't smile. And she has made me cry with her beautiful words.
It is because of all this that I doubt. I doubt because I cannot hold her and feel her existence beating in her chest. Because I cannot enter a room and see her sitting there and our eyes meet because her image is only in my head. Because I cannot call her name and hear her answer me because her voice has never graced my ears. I doubt because I sit here writing this entry about a love that doesn't seem my own. And I don't want to doubt her, I don't want to doubt her existence or her love or my love for someone who, in most ways, is a stranger.
I know love can hurt and that we risk our hearts being broken when we let love into our lives but when we doubt love more than we are sure of it what does that say about the relationship? About me? If she read these words and knew that I wasn't sure about her it would hurt her, and I never want to hurt her. I desperately want to believe everything about her, and when we talk I do believe and my heart believes, but when she is gone and all I have are my thoughts the doubts return. I just don't know what to do, or what she can do. Maybe she has the same doubts about me, maybe not. But how can any of this be changed?