some entries have been taken from various diaries of mine
Since moving I have been stuck on this very important question of mine. Am I homosexual, bisexual or heterosexual. Since I am asking the question in the first place I would assume I am not 100% straight. And since I dream of being intimate with girls and have 'odd' feeling about a few girls and am kind of attracted to some that would lower the heterosexual percentage even more. I have absolutely no problem with girls loving girls, guys loving guys, or loving both, in fact I get turned on by reading gay erotica, but does that make me gay?
At the same time I am attracted to guys and dream of guys, so what am I? I think there is at least a chance that I am bisexual because I do like both male and female and have no reservation when feeling that way. I have dreamt of being intimate with both, even longed for both, I've pictured being in love with both and want to experiment with both to answer my question. I really need to know what...who I am. I am just letting my life pass me by, the days come and go in a blur of classes, friends, and dreams. I am happy on the outside most of the time, but I am in a state of confussion on the inside.
What if I am gay, completely gay? How would I actually deal with it. I say now that either of the three lifestyles is fine, that I would accept any, but what if I really was would I be so accepting of it then? And how would my friends and family take it? I think in the family, the extended family there would be a lot of uncomfortable people, much disapproval and reproachment. In the immediate family I don't know. I think there would be a bit of uncomfortableness there to. And with my friends, I think they would accept it, they know my views on homosexuality and they have changed their's a bit over the past few months. They say that if one of their friends came out of the closet, they would be fine with it, but that it would change the relationship. So how drastically would it change our relationships? Would I still be living with them next year, or would it be too uncomfortable for them? Would they still joke around about being lesbians and are having affairs with each other? Probably not...for the second one at least.
I wouldn't want my sexuality to change our friendships, but I wouldn't want to lie about who I was just to keep things how they are, that wouldn't be fair to anyone. A big question to ask, if I were gay, is who would I come out to first and how. Who could I go to that would take it the best and who would back me up and support me when I told everyone else? Who would be the most accepting and open minded about my sexuality? Why do I have so many questions! Couldn't the answers just come to me, like poof yes or poof no it would be so much easier than wishing on a star every night to some how answer my questions for me. I know one thing, the stressing I do over this is going to kill me before I know who I am.
Another question I have is, if I was bisexual would I say anything or would I just live my life on the straight side of being bi and just ignore the les side. I could do that but then I would still be lying about my true identity and what if five years down the road I meet a woman and fall in love. Do I ignore the love because I had decided to pretend I liked only guys or do I come out half a dozen years after I have my questions answered. That would be harder than saying something about my sexuality right away.
Why, oh why, was I blessed with so many questions with no simple answer?
The only way to answer my questions is to experiment and how am I to do that when I live with three friends and the fourth is there everyday. I can't. I can't just go to a gay bar, find someone I am attracted to and go home with them, and after go to my home as if nothing is going on. In the first place, where are the gay bars here, second how am I supposed to get there - I don't drive - and third what girl is going to want to do anything with me?
Right now I could really use a kiss. A hot, wet, passionate kiss. In fact any kiss would do at this moment as long as it was from someone I liked...I NEED ANSWERS.