Do you remember that day so many years ago when I sat on the chair in the living room and you sat on the floor in front of me? I pretended to be washing your hair using two colourful plastic bowling pins as shampoo and conditioner bottles. That is the only memory I have of you, but I'm not sure if it is real. It seems so fuzzy in my mind, like it could have been a dream that I wanted to believe and have let run over in my mind often enough that it has a realistic feel to it. Maybe I made it up just so I can say I remember you, maybe I just needed one thing to place in my heart as a reminder of my time with you. I don't know, but I want to believe that it is true, that though I was young when you died I can still have something real that was shared between us. Something more than the pictures and stories. I looked through all the photo albums, there never was a picture taken of that moment that plays forever in my mind, the only picture taken remains in the developing mind of a two year old. I will believe that moment, it is the only one I have.
I have talked to you often as we pass over the river in which your ashes were spread. I think I remember that day to. Just a few of your ashes were washed away on the current. I feel closer to you as we get closer to the river, can you hear what I say when I talk to you in my head? When I tell you that I love you, that I miss you, that I wish you were with us. I'm not sure. If you can hear me then you already know that I am gay. But I have no way of knowing whether you accept me or not, maybe the first time I told you, you stopped listening to me. I hope not. I hope you can see how happy I have become since finding myself. I think you do know, that you are still out there watching over me and doing everything you can to make this happiness grow.
I have wished many nights, on many stars, for many things. Praying that you would hear me and decide when my wishes were worthy to be answered, that you would help me find myself, that you would help me find love, and that you would help me be happy. You fulfilled those wishes for me. And I hope you never regret giving me what you have. I hope you are never disappointed by what I do with the wishes you have granted me or with anything else I have done or will do in my life. I just want to make you proud of me. You are always in my heart.
And though I like thinking you are up in heaven watching over me, hearing me when I talk to you and answering my wishes, what I really wish is that you were back on earth somewhere. Living another life with another family and that maybe you have walked by a girl you have never seen before but a twinge of recognition flashes in your heart and for some reason you want to reach out and protect her, to smile at her and let her know that somewhere inside there is a continuous connection. I want to believe in reincarnation and know that even if you can't be with me you are still out there somewhere, happy and alive. Maybe with another daughter telling you that she is a lesbian and wondering if she will still remain your little girl.
I love you Daddy and I miss you so much. I wish you were here.
Love always and forever, Kim