journal7

Week 7 was fall break. Dan and I traveled to Cabo San Lucas, Mexico for the week. He has a condo down there, and we made the arrangements for the trip in June, and I wasn’t going to miss out. It was a good mental break.

The Cabo trip gave me a chance for reflection. I know I don’t want to stay at BSU. I am miserable in Muncie, and Ball State and I are not a good fit. I don’t think I could put up with four years of Papper slobbering all over Sarah. I don’t blame Sarah, she is Papper’s golden child—it is not something Sarah asked for, but she is certainly not going to refuse. I used to be a golden child, so I know what it is like, but Papper goes overboard in her slobbering. I’ve seen too much at BSU that is discouraging—I don’t want to teach at the university level. I remember what I wanted to do in the beginning—to teach at a community college and make sure those students had a quality education. I want to write. I don’t want to take four more years out of my life and be that much less desirable as an employee at the end of those four years. I don’t want to take four more years out of my life and not add that significant amount of income to my checking account. I don’t want to tolerate four years with a professor who obviously disliked me from the moment she set eyes on me. Jensen encouraged me to go to Ball State because he felt it would be much more of a nurturing atmosphere. Despite my bravado and my strong opinions, Jensen knew me and wanted me to be treated gently. When I had my orals at SMSU, which consisted of going to lunch with G and Jim Baumlin and discussion comps and publication, Baumlin cautioned me about the politics of a Ph.D. program. You see, Baumlin was the golden child of a prominent literature professor at Brown. Baumlin could do no wrong, and the professor would actually pit him against other students in an effort to somewhat humiliate those students. So, Baumlin is extremely cognizant of university politics, and would in fact, gleefully wade into the midst of a political battle. Jensen didn’t want that for me, and I didn’t want it. Little did he know I would encounter a very similar situation at BSU. I wish someone had taken me under their wing when I arrived at BSU and indicated an interest in me and my ideas. That didn’t happen and it would have made a big difference in my decision. I missed my friends in Missouri and could not bond with anyone in Muncie. It was not for lack of trying, but everybody was busy. I was busy. I missed Dan. I left my entire support team behind me when I moved to Muncie, which exacerbated the problems that were already developing.