For my reflective
journal, I have
extracted excerpts that show not my thoughts on teaching, but the
emotional
struggles I have gone through in making the decision not to come back
to Ball
State after one semester. This
semester has been extremely
difficult for me, and several factors have influenced my decision, as
you will read. Interwoven
among the journal entries are emails to friends back home in Missouri. I realized as I began to
put my reflective journal together and re-read emails sent and received
that those emails were the reflections. I began to see what I
thought initially was the disintegration of a dream actually become the
best choice for me at this point in my life. Leaving is the best
choice for me because I don't want to live in a self-imposed
misery. I think leaving is the best decision for me career-wise,
and I realize my life is in Missouri. I initially felt like a
failure, but don't feel like a failure now because I have clear-cut
goals and a good life ahead of me. I know what I want in my life
and what I don't want in my life.
Week 1
I’ve started
journaling
in earnest
this morning.
That was my
first entry
into my
reflective journal. I have learned since
that time that First Class does not save changes made to entries, so I
am very
thankful I did not write extensively. Despite that, I find FC to be
very user
friendly, and plan to utilize it in my classes.
My
first week at BSU hit me
hard. I realize I’m in the big leagues
now, and that thought caused me to be uncharacteristically quiet last
week. I didn’t want to make any stupid
comments or sound unacademic in any way. I want nothing but brilliant
words
coming out of my mouth—yeah, right. Keeping
my mouth shut was difficult, as I have an opinion
on the
majority of discussion topics, as George Jensen will confirm.
G:
Thank
you
for Jason's address. I've sent him an email.
I registered for classes yesterday, and got my student ID. I'm
carrying
12 hours, which is more than Linda would like me to carry, but dammit, I
want to get on with my life. I'm tentatively finding my way around
Muncie—but there is a
large shopping mall, which pleases me to no end. Next week
is graduate assistant orientation, and classes start on the 25th.
We have
a picnic at my new friend, Leo's, house (he helped us unload the truck).
My cognate will be literary theory, which will be an excellent
compliment
to comp/rhet.
I like my house. It is a charming 1940s style bungalow--it's
small, but
cozy. It has a fenced-in back yard for Jazzy, who is acclimating
very
nicely to the new digs.
I wanted Jason's email address because I desperately need to correspond
with someone who is going through the same trauma (smile) as me.
I found
that being accepted into a PhD program created an immediate chasm with
the people I went to graduate school at SMSU. That chasm
continues to
widen. Jane Hoogestraat told me last spring that not everybody would be
happy
for me, and I have found this is the case. There's no point in
going into
details, but it saddens me as I realize I will not be able to turn to
these people for support, and when I try to offer my support, I am told
I am
no longer a part of SMSU.
I have not yet heard from Hampton Press, but am not
sweating it. I'll
let you know as soon as I hear something.
Write. Frequently, please.
Week 2
Reading
and discussion topics from 601, 605, and 690
overlap, and I
don’t know why that comes as a revelation to me—everything should
interconnect. I sent an email to G
(Jensen) this morning pouring my heart out. I’m
afraid I’m not smart enough, I’m afraid I don’t have
enough
drive,
hunger, ambition—I have to get past these fears and start kicking ass
again. I’m also afraid if I don’t get
sushi soon, I’m going to fucking die.
Yesterday,
Papper
talked about the
history of composition, and touched on the politics of the English
department. I am not yet familiar with
the politics at BSU, but am very happy to have the politics of SMSU
behind me. I am becoming more informed
about the teacher
prep class, and think the process is a good thing, though I got off to
a rocky
start initially thinking I would have my Fridays and Mondays off. At SMSU, we were thrown into the freshman
composition classroom with only one day of orientation.
There was minimal guidance throughout my two
years of my MA, but I have the advantage of being able to bring my
experiences
to BSU. The TAs were crowded into one
woefully small room, with sometimes four TAs sharing a desk and
fighting over
scheduling. Space was tight, and tempers
flared. I myself got into a doozy of a
fight with another TA—we later became good friends—but there was no
privacy,
the equipment was falling apart, and it was an unprofessional
atmosphere.
The
fear is dissipating and I am
beginning to feel like my old rebellious, argumentative self. Bear in mind that my rebellion and arguing is
not done simply for the sake of rebelling and arguing.
I am a person who has a lot of questions, and
in reading theory, I always think about how it can be applied to the
classroom,
though theorists piss me off. I liken
them to people who write baby books who have never had a baby, but
Jensen
taught me to read theory and draw out what is useful to me and to not
dismiss
something immediately. I am a
contradiction—I
don’t think I will try to lead my colleagues gently into new areas,
yet, I can
lead my students gently in the composition classroom.
But it’s really about the students, isn’t it?
It’s not about us; it’s not about the current
hottest trend in the composition classroom, or the latest book. Students tend to get lost or forgotten in the
arguments.
Holy cow, G. It's hit me
hard. I'm in the big
leagues, and I'm scared shitless. I want nothing but brilliant
words
coming out of my mouth. I kept my mouth shut last week, which you
know is
very uncharacteristic of me--lol.
I'm carrying 9 hours.
I have 690 (Basic Writing) with Hanson; 601
(Research Methodology) with Fleckenstein; and 605 (Teacher Prep) with
Papper. We don't teach our first semester, but are paid for being
enrolled in 605. We meet twice weekly with Papper for technology
education, reading, discussion. We shadow a writing instructor
and get
involved in their classes--much like a student teacher--and then we get
together
twice weekly for teacher prep, which is the typical bitch and gripe
session, as
Papper likes to call it. Each TA is also assigned to a teaching
circle,
which consists of profs. BSU doesn't just turn you loose in the college
classroom--they have to feel you're ready to go on. Papper wants
us to be
prepared to not only teach freshman comp, but upper level courses,
also.
She and Fleckenstein are working on a book together and they argue
continuously. I thought at first it was funny to listen to them
argue,
and it still is, but some good stuff comes out of their
arguments. But .
. . as I was sitting there last week listening to them argue over a
minute
point, I wondered if I still had that hunger, that drive, that ambition
. . .
or maybe it was just that I was not interested in arguing over minute
details
of research methodology. I am really interested in
ethnography--not so
much turning ethnography into empiric research--but the interviews, the
narratives. I don't want to fight the politics in an English
department,
but I want to teach.
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