Week 11

G: Actually, I had begun to think along those lines.  My MA is in writing, with a concentration in comp/rhet.  I certainly don't feel my MA is a waste--I think I could switch easily between journalistic writing and creative non-fiction.  I have already sent out about 10 CVs, with 5 more to send out, and I am continually checking the jobs available in the KC area.  Well . . . okay, I have a confession to make.  I sent an application to Time-Warner—they advertised a reporter position for People magazine.  I would like to do a combination of writing and teaching--I do want to keep my hand in teaching, just not at the PhD level.  Okay, another confession.  I have been teaching two sections of composition at Ivy Tech State College this semester, which I think has contributed greatly to my burnout.  It's a completely different type of student at Ivy Tech—I have never seen so many people try to get through life doing so little.  Last week, research papers were due, and between the two classes, 20 people were absent, so 20 people received 0's for the research papers, and they can't seem to understand that concept—“you mean, we have to turn in papers when they are DUE?" 

Anyway.  My brain is tired.  Muncie is a dirty little town.  And, BSU starts their PhD contract faculty out at $29,000/yr.  Depressing? Yes, but I don't have to stay depressed, and I don't intend to.  I know my capabilities, I know my talents, and I know what direction I want to go.  I have two magazines interested in free lance articles from me—one is a fencing magazine, and the other is a turkey hunting magazine.  See?  Your education never ends, and that's exciting.  Dressage Today is still interested in an article from me, but I have to gear it toward their readers more.  When I finish polishing my BDSM article, and find the right market—I think that might be the article that puts me on the map as far as a freelancer.  Everything is very positive.

Did I tell you I was getting a tummy tuck for Christmas?

And, an email to one of my friends in Missouri:

I underestimated the time it would take for doctoral work—lol.  Actually, I made a mistake that hasn't helped me much.  I'm teaching two sections of composition at the local state college, and both of the classes are full at 30 students each.  I should say--the classes WERE full.  Two weeks ago, they were to turn in their research papers, and 10 students out of each class didn't show up that night.  Because of the point system, there is no way they can make up those points, so they failed the class (they have to have a C or better to pass).  Took a lot of pressure off of me—lol.  Teaching at this pseudo state college (a community college is a better description—a vocational school is an even better description) has been quite the experience.  I have never seen so many people who try to get by in life doing so little.  I have former inmates and drug addicts in my class, plus many people trying to redirect their vocational skills due to loss of jobs. 

While it's true that this semester has given me an idea of what I DON'T want to do, I wonder at what cost this was accomplished.  I took out a student loan for the semester ($6000), and there was the cost of moving, and there will be the cost of moving back to Missouri, and the loss of my rental deposit, as I am leaving before my lease is up.  I should have gone with my gut feeling, which was to not go to Muncie in the first place.  When I was offered assistantships at Carbondale and Muncie, I did not visit the campuses. BIG MISTAKE!  Had I visited BSU before accepting their offer, I would not have gone there.  Muncie is a horrible little town—dirty and crime-ridden.  But I went, and I was miserable from the first day and that misery has not abated. 

Somewhere along the way, I've lost what it takes to do this thing. I'm not interested in research, and I don't think I could honestly wake up every morning and say, "God, I've got the best job in the world.  I love my job!!" There are politics that swirl around in the mix, too, and I'm just at that stage in my life where I say, "Fuck it—I’m not dealing with this."  I'm 46-years old, and I will not be treated like I'm 20 (though I wouldn't mind looking like I'm 20 again)—it’s all just pointless to me.  I'm also concerned about my viability in the job market, and four years later, I will be even less desirable as an employee.  Dan insists that's not true, but he also told me to go to Muncie—lol.  

Week 12

G:  I look at some of the English professors at BSU, and I am not convinced they have a life outside of academia.  I don't want to be like that.  I just sent an email to Mike Rose, and I told him sometimes I think I would be happiest slopping around in a barnyard with my horses and dogs.  The career of Richard Rodriguez appeals to me very much—he does a little of everything—writes, travels, does documentaries, guest speaker.  Of course, that didn't happen overnight for him, but I like the variety in what he does. 

I was talking to the librarian at Ivy Tech State College, where I teach two sections of composition.  We were talking about free-lance writing, and he made what I thought was an odd comment about whoring himself out.  I asked him what he meant, and he was talking about writing for what he considered piddly-assed magazines, when what he really dreamed of was writing for the New Yorker or the Atlantic Monthly.  I don't quite understand that mentality—he would still be selling himself and his writing—he would just be a higher-priced whore.  Besides, I take the whore factor entirely out of the equation—I find that concept mildly insulting.  He also made disparaging comments about Stephen King, but my take on that is any writer would give his eye-teeth, first born, etc., to have his/her name out in public like King.  Writers can talk about their standards all they want, but all writers love to see their names in print.

 One of the journal articles I'm reading for my research methodology class this week is Carol Berkenkotter's "Conventions, Conversations, and the Writer:  Case Study of a Student in a Rhetoric Ph.D. Program."   It describes a writer's attempt to master the reading and writing tasks required of him in his first year in a rhetorical doctoral program.  Maybe I'm selling myself short, but I just don't think I have it in me to write in the manner expected of a doctoral student.  That's not to say that I don't write well, but I think I'm discovering my limitations, and one of my discoveries is I feel I am where I should be as far as education level.  Again, I'll clarify that and say that I'm not a stupid person, and in saying that, I'm not sure if it's ability or interest, or lack thereof, that is discouraging to me.  My mind works much differently than most in academia, and it refuses to be harnessed, and chafes at the bit (like the horse metaphor?) at the discipline and limitations, and what I consider the lack of creative options.