Abridged version. For full version, go to: www.geocities.com/bad_pets/BadPets/CatRules.html)
W h y D o W e N e e d H u m a n s ?
So you've decided to get yourself a human being. In doing so, you've joined the millions of other cats who have acqui-red these strange and often frustrating creatures. There will be any number of times during the course of your asso-ciation with humans when you will wonder why you have bothered to grace them with your presence.
What is it that is so great about the humans anyway? Why not just hang around with other cats? Our great philosophers have struggled with this question for centuries, but the answer is rather simple: they have OPPOSABLE THUMBS. Which makes them the perfect tools for such tasks as opening doors, getting the lids off of cat food cans, changing television stations, and other activities that we, despite our other obvious advantages, find difficult to do ourselves. True, chimps, orangutans and lemurs also have opposable thumbs, but they are nowhere as easy to train.
H o w L o n g S h o u l d Y o u K e e p Y o u r H u m a n ?
You are only obligated to your human for only one of your lives. The other eight are up to you. But we recommend mixing and matching though in the end, most humans (at least, the ones that are worth living with) are pretty much the same. But what do you expect? They're humans, after all. Opposable thumbs will only take you so far.
Humans have three primary functions: to feed us, to play with or give attention to us and to clean the litterbox. It's very important to maintain one's dignity when around humans so that they will not forget who the master of the house is. Humans need to know the basic rules; and they can be taught if you start early and are consistent. You will then have a smooth running household.
Remember... when in trouble, just purr and look cute.
B a r f
If you have to barf, get to a bed quickly. Barf in the middle of the quilt, preferably a good thick one that doesn't fit in the washer. It will give the humans a chance to go to the Laundrette. If you can't manage to get a quilt, try a chair, or better, an Oriental rug. If there is no Oriental rug, shag carpet is good.
When throwing up, make sure you back up so that it is about as long as a human's bare foot. Try to move around as much as possible to leave a glob here, there and everywhere. Just stand back and watch your humans gag as they try to clean it up.
B a t h r o o m s
Always sit just around the corner of the door, so they narrowly miss stepping on you. Smile as they trip, bang into a wall and curse. Hide under the table until they calm down and want to pet you and calm you down.
Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not necessary to do anything. Just sit and stare.
B e d t i m e
Always sleep on the human at night so he / she cannot move around.
D o g s
Always act afraid of dogs in front of humans. They feel so sorry, they pick you up to comfort you. Put on a big show and hang on for dear life.
D o o r s I
Do not allow closed doors in any room. To get one open, stand on hind legs and hammer with your forepaws. Once the door is open for you, it is not necessary to use it. You can change your mind.
When you have ordered an outside door opened, stand half in and half out and think about several things. This is particularly important during rainy season.
D o o r s I I
Sit at the door looking out. They almost always think you want to go out. Run away when they open the door. Three or four times is enough to drive them up the wall.
Sit looking at the doorknob. When they open the door, take your time. Take a good look around, pull your head back in and look around the room. You don't have to decide quickly. Most of the fools will hold the door until you get the lay of the land and see which way the wind blows. And for a real treat, after several minutes, back into the room, then look at them, and say, "What are you holding the damn door open for?"
F o o d
In order to get the energy to sleep, play, and Hamper, a Cat must eat. Eating, however, is only half the fun. The other half is getting the food. Cats have 2 ways to obtain food: convincing a human you are starving to death and must be fed NOW ; and hunting for it oneself. Obviously, the latter should be pursued whenever possible. The following are some guidelines for getting fed:
Never eat food from your own bowl if you can steal some from the table.
Never drink from your own water bowl if a human's glass is full enough to drink from.
When the humans are eating, make sure you leave the tip of your tail in their dishes when they are not looking.
The best times to inform human of your dish's emptiness are when they are unable to ignore you such as when they are sleeping or on the toilet or you are in one's lap.
Should you catch something of your own outside the house, it is only polite to attempt to get to know it. Be insistent; your food won't usually be so polite and will try to leave. If you can't be bothered to eat the food you've just caught, be considerate and don't waste it; it makes a perfect gift for humans!
F u r b a l l s
When it becomes time to dislodge a fur ball, choose the dining room at dinner time.
G i f t s
Always bring home your quarry. Be sure to mess it up. Entrails are a nice touch. Leave it just outside the front door, if possible. It's always good if they're not looking down and step on it. This is the Cat's Meow!
G u e s t s
Determine quickly which guest hates cats. Sit on that lap during the evening. He won't dare to push you off and will even call you "nice kitty." If you can arrange to have cat food on your breath, so much the better.
For guests who say, "I love kitties," be ready with aloof disdain, claws applied to stockings, or a very quick nip on the ankles.
For sitting on laps or rubbing against trouser legs, select colors contrast with your own.
H e l p i n g ( a. k. a. H a m p e r i n g )
If one of your humans is engaged in some activity and the other is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called 'helping'... otherwise known as 'hampering.' Following are the rules for hampering:
When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook. You cannot be seen and thereby you stand a better chance of being stepped on and then picked up and comforted. It's even funnier when they try to avoid stepping on you and fall.
For knitting or paperwork projects,just lie on the work itself in the most appropriate manner so as to obscure as much of the work or at least the most important part. Pretend to doze, but every now and then reach out and slap the needle or pencil. (The worker may try to distract you; simply ignore it. Remember, the aim is to hamper work)
For humans paying bills (a monthly activity) or working on income taxes (annual activity), sit on the paper being worked on. When dislodged, watch sadly from the side of the table. When the activity is proceeding nicely, roll around on the papers, scattering them to the best of your ability. After being removed for the second time, push pens, pencils and erasers off the table one at a time.
Laundry presents many opportunities to Hamper. Laundry fresh from the dryer makes a perfect bed, since it is warm and soft. As soon as it is put on the bed for sorting, arrange yourself for a nap. If the human removes you, keep returning until the laundry isn't warm anymore.
When humans are working at a computer, they aren't paying attention to you. You can easily obstruct the view of the screen with your beautiful tail or if it's low enough, with your even more beautiful body. Trampling/ sprawling on the keyboard is always good for some attention. Pay special attention to the keys marked "Esc", "Del", and "Enter".
When your human returns home laden with packages, fall down in front of them. This works best on steps, all the better if the individual is proceeding downward. There is a chance you may get stepped on but this will usually guarantee a fall and if you milk the guilt that follows, it is usually worth it.
For TV watchers, be sure to settle down in their laps just before a commercial break when they are most likely to want to get up and do something.
For book readers, get in close under the chin between the eyes and the book. Unless of course, you can lie on the book itself.
When a human is holding a newspaper in front of him/ her, be sure to jump on the back of the paper. They love to jump.
P e e T i m e
Even if you don't have to go, time your visit for about 3 a.m. Climb on their bed and get in their face. Tickle them with your whiskers until they wake up. They probably had to pee anyway but was too lazy to get up. Make a stop by the fridge. It's always worth a try to see if they will give you some milk. If they do, you can always wake them up again at four a.m.
P l a y
This is an important part of your life. Get enough sleep in the daytime so that you are fresh for your nocturnal games. Chase, frolic, and run from invisible entities. The why doesn't matter, it's just expected.
It is important to maintain one's dignity at all times. If you should have an accident during play such as falling off a chair, immediately wash a part of your body as if to say, "I meant to do that." It fools those humans every time.
A cigarette pack or a ball of foil is great to play with. Be sure to shred it and scatter the pieces. When your human is bent over picking up the scraps, you can chuckle at his / her backside. After all, they don't understand our language anyhow.
Below is a good, but not exhaustive, selection of favourite Cat games that you can play.
Catch Mouse:
The humans would have you believe that the lumps under the covers are their feet and hands. They are lying. These are actually Bed Mice, rumoured to be the most delicious of all the mice in the world though no Cat has ever been able to catch one. Rumour also has it that only the most ferocious attack can stun them long enough for you to dive under the covers to get them.
King of the Hill:
This game must be played with at least one other Cat. The more there are, the merrier! One or both of the sleeping humans is Hill #303 � which must be defended at all costs from the other cats. Any-thing goes. This game allows for the development of unusual tactics as one must take the unstable playing theatre into account.
Warning:
Playing the above games to excess will result in expulsion from the bed � and very possibly from the bedroom. Should the humans grow restless, immediately begin purring and cuddle up to them. This should buy you some time until they fall asleep again.
Tag:
Obviously this game also requires two or more cats, and may include a dog as well. A cat is It. The others chase him around until they catch up to him. Then follows the Scrum � after which the Cat who caught the other becomes It and is chased around. Great fun but has the greatest potential for loss of dignity from doing maneuvers such as the Throw-rug Wipeout and the Non-Carpeted Floor Skid.
Whenever such a situation occurs, all feline participants must immediately wash themselves. Dogs are generally too stupid to do this and may continue to play. In this case, the dog automatically becomes "it" and should be subjected to the Pileup.
Bag Mouse:
Within paper bags, dwells the Bag Mice. They are small and camouflaged to be of the same colour as the bag, so they are hard to see � but you can easily hear the crinkling noises they make as they scurry around the bag. Anything, up to and including shredding the bag, can be done to kill them.
Tube Mouse:
This is a game which is played in the bathroom. Next to the Big White Drinking Bowl is a roll of soft white paper, which is very artfully attached to the wall so that it can spin. Inside this roll is the Tube Mouse. When you grab the paper, the Mouse will spin frantically as it tries to escape you. When the Mouse is exposed, it dies of fright and stops spinning.
S c r a t c h i n g P o s t s
The arms of their easy chairs are great places to scratch and claw the fabric. You need to leave your mark on the world. This always gets their attention.
It is advised that you use any scratching post humans may provide. They are very protective of what they think is their property and will object strongly if they catch you sharpening your claws on it.
S l e e p i n g
In order to have enough energy for playing, a cat must get plenty of sleep. It is generally not difficult to find a very comfortable place to curl up in. Any place where a human likes to sit is good, especially if it contrasts with your fur colour.
Snoring is not a talent unique to humans. If you are is sharing a bed with 2 humans, the well skilled cat can cause one of the humans to be blamed / swatted / smacked for the deed by the other.
T o y s
Any small item is a potential toy. If a human tries to confiscate it, it means that it is a Good Toy. Run with it under the bed. Look suitably outraged when the human grabs you and takes it away anyway. Watch where it is put � so that you can steal it later. Two reliable sources of toys are dressers and wastebaskets. Below are listed several types of Cat toys:
Bright shiny things like keys, brooches or coins should be hidden so that the other humans or cats can't play with them. They are usually good for playing hockey with on uncarpeted floors.
Dangly and / or string things such as shoelaces, cords, gold chains, dental floss, and rubber bands make excellent toys. These are favourites of humans who like to drag them across the floor for us to pounce on. Note that playing with shoelaces when the human's trying to tie them is another form of Hampering.
Ignore anything that appears to be a store-bought cat toy. After all in the old days, cats had to fashion their own toys. Store-bought toys are an affront to a real cat. But if the toy appear to be interesting, you should wait until the humans are sleeping before you play with it (however, be sure to keep quiet so they won't figure out you actually like it).
Many human games (like chess and jigsaw puzzles) have lots of little pieces and are really Cat Toy Bonanzas, but the humans will not want to share them with you for some reason. If they are playing on the floor, rectifying this injustice is relatively straightforward; simply charge across the board scattering pieces everywhere and snatch one in the confusion.
V a c u u m C l e a n e r s
This appalling Beast is also known as the Cat Eater. Normal humans will turn into raging monsters while under Its influence, running around the house, sucking up all the carefully shed cat hair, and terrorizing the feline residents with evil glee. Nothing can stop this until the influence is over and the foul device is put back into Its closet. All you can do is run and hide when you hear the engine come to life and hope that It doesn't find you.
On some occasions, the humans are forced to open up the vacuum cleaner and remove a swollen, dusty bag from within. This is the Beast's stomach and must be destroyed if you can get the chance. Don't worry if the human yells at you, for the yell is really that of the Beast in pain.
V e t s a n d M e d i c i n e
The vet is the person to whom your human will take you when you are sick. The place smells funny, there are usually other Cats or dogs in the waiting room, and awful things like pill prescriptions and needles will happen there. The following are some tips for dealing with vets and medicine:
Unless you are really sick, when you see the cat carrier come out, run and hide somewhere totally inaccessible; such as under the bed or behind a couch. Once the human finally grabs you, struggle gamely. Splay your legs out so that it will be difficult to cram you into the carrier. If the human is trying to put you in with another Cat, try to allow the other Cat to bolt out the door.
In the car, meow plaintively all the way to the vet's. If possible, reach through the bars of the portable prison and claw the human as he/ she is driving. When at the vet's, splay your legs and brace your-self against the carrier's wall if you can, so that they can't dump you out easily.
If you are well enough, you must resist attempts to feed you pills or any liquid medicine. As soon as you hear the pill bottle rattle, just run and hide. Resist all attempts to open your mouth. Squirming is good. Once the medicine is in, try to spit it out � preferably by shaking your head vigorously.
If the human manage to get the pill into to your mouth and are still holding you, waiting for you to spit it out, keep the pill in your mouth. Then after they let you go, find a suitable hiding place and spit it out.
Refuse any food that looks or smells like it may have had medicine sprinkled on it.
W a l k i n g
The main object here is to get underfoot. It's also a lot of fun to startle them. As often as you possibly can, dart as quickly and as closely as possible in front of the human, especially on stairs, when they have something in their arms, in the dark, and when they first get up in the morning. This will help their coordination skills tremendously.