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Same-sex love and same-sex lust Members share their experience strength and hope Tell others about this site - |
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Members Share their experience, strength and hope Member 1 I’m very grateful to have
found this program. I acted out anonymously with men for about 25 years. I
tried various ways of stopping. I tried having relationships with other men
and that didn’t work. I crossed the gender line and had relationships
with women and that didn’t work either. I basically resigned myself to
what I was doing, I’m very grateful I found
SA. I’m very grateful I have a sponsor who is showing me how to work the
steps. And I’ve worked the steps very imperfectly but I worked them however
best I could do them. One of the first things I found in getting sober
is that I was actually lusting. I was so busy acting out I didn’t
realize I was actually lusting. And I found in the first
30, 60 days I was looking all over the place and a realization came to that
when I was looking at another man and I was lusting that I was actually
mentally raping that person. I remember a time I was looking at a
person in the supermarket. I didn’t realize I was looking at him that
way till he offered to feed me a knuckle sandwich. At that point I realized I
was looking at him inappropriately. What I was told to do was
pray for that other person. I tried to do it and I felt very
insincere. It felt very fake. So I
memorized a little prayer. I asked God to fill that person with peace
and harmony. I do that that without looking at the person. I
figure that is probably a good thing to do. Since that time it’s become
sort of a natural thing. It’s an unnatural natural thing for me to
do. That’s been a big part of my recovery. |
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About 20
years ago I came in contact with gay liberation and gay pride from people who
were really trying to help me because I was humiliated by my problem. That
was a long time before I found SA. While I appreciated the emotional support
that gave, in some ways it led me further away from recovery. One of the
things that God has given me since I came into this program is the realization
that the language of homosexuality and natural variant and a personal right
was not a good thing for me. For myself God gave me enough of an insight into
my own background into the emotional and physical abuse I received from my
mother and the terror I had for her which extended to all women, that my
homosexuality cannot possibly be based on something healthy or normal
or desirable. Therefore I cannot affirm as a favorable or positive aspect of
myself. Therefore I have been able finally to concede that my orientation was
part of my addiction. But that was a long and difficult process and I
sympathize who others may not be there or who experience their homosexuality
differently.
I walked into an 8 year
relationship with another woman. I loved it because I am a sexaholic. I hated it because it destroyed my
relationship with my Higher Power, I couldn’t stop because I’m a sexaholic. I’m so very grateful to
have found this program of recovery. There are other S addiction groups. This
is the one I need. I need one that has bottom line sobriety definition that
is clear. I need one that the people in my fellowship will support me
in also choosing that bottom line sobriety definition. I hated reading the words
in our book that are in the program that sex is optional. But sex is truly
optional! Recovery without sex is a God given gift. My relationship
with my Higher Power as a result of this program, as a result of working the steps,
as a result of a close relationship with a sponsor, has been given back to me
in a way that I never could have imagined. I still have a lot of work to do
in terms of trusting, women in particular, because of my experiences with
women and acting out with women. I do want to share from
my weakness an experience I had walking into this conference. As soon as I
walked into the hotel I was greeted with a barrage of triggers in the form of
other women. I don’t know what conference they were attending, I don’t know
why they were (at this hotel) but the dress of women in the lobby really
bothered me. So immediately, as I had been taught, I turned it over:
“I’m powerless over lust. I believe in a Higher Power, I can turn my life and
will over to that Higher Power.” And then there was one woman in particular
that walked by and I chose to take a second look. And that is the
image that has been stamped into my mind. I don’t have any of the other
images, I turned them over immediately. But the one that I took a second look
at, that image is still there. I have also chosen with that one to turn it
over. I am powerless over that image. And if that image chooses to replay
itself I’ll have to do the same thing. Turn it over. I am
powerless over this. It makes me insane I believe in a Higher Power and
that Higher Power can relieve me from my insanity. I would plead with (the
fellowship) to continue to uphold the sobriety definition to help me maintain
a good safe place to recover. As someone who struggles with same sex
lust this fellowship has been that place for me.
I came into the program
in 1988 thinking I had a sexual addiction problem but that was as far as I
was willing to go whilst at the same time I was in a gay rights organization
and a homosexually oriented church. Everybody kept saying keep coming
back and I kept coming back with a vengeance. And I was coming back at
everyone and at the program. Because we had the truth
out there and this program just didn’t seem to get it! So I’ll get
sober here and I’m going to teach you guys what I learnt at all these other
places. The truth is out there! By continuing go to come
back I was humbled. I was humbled to the point that I realized I knew so
little. It’s right in our introductory statement “we realized we knew only a
little “I never knew how little I knew! And by virtue of realizing
increasingly on a daily basis that I knew even less than I did the day before
I kind of got quiet. I realized I just need to come in here, be quiet
and work the steps and more shall be revealed. Lo and behold more has
been revealed. The only thing in common
with those days and my life today is this program. Everything else has
been shed. I found truth in the fact that I need to maintain a relationship
with a Higher Power that works everything else out for me. I need to
put everything else in the table including my sexuality my issues of sexual orientation.
Every element of my life was on the table and I was reduced to one walking surrender. I knew that God would put back
into my life those things that God wanted in my life. I knew I had to become
an empty vessel. Because the emptiness of my previous life told me
that. There is a lot of wisdom gained from continuing to come back and
not putting myself into a category or corner. But to take my rightful place
among a bunch of sexaholics and I’m just one of
them and leave it there This meeting is always
very special in conferences. People in this room have a different kind of
burden that they carry. We know that we sometimes feel uniquely misunderstood
amongst a people who feel in general misunderstood. We are
misunderstood by the people who are misunderstood! And that feeds our
feeling of special-ness but the truth is we are made like everyone else.
Rather than identify
myself as gay or homosexual I like the term same sex attraction because there
is a difference between attraction and acting out. In the White Book “to my
utter amazement I learned that my problem wasn’t sexual or lust At its core
it was spiritual”. That just blew me away. I’d been in religion over the
years. So that gave me a clue that I had a problem that was an attitude to
wards God. I wanted him to surrender for me. He won’t do that for me. I have
free will and I have choices. I’m responsible. What I like about SA
program is it gives me a tool kit, a bag of spiritual tools that I can use. I have a very active
imagination. I don’t need the internet or a book. In a nano-second
it’s going on in here. So I have to learn what to do. Surrender, pray for
that person, maybe reach out and talk to that person. Pray that he be
protected from my lust or his own lust. And pray for myself at the same
time, call someone, go to a meeting, read from the White Book. I have a
whole bunch of tools if I use them. I do have choices. Lust isn’t
the only hit a person can get into –I like gambling and cookies.
Ultimately self-centeredness is my problem. The 12&12 says that
self centered fear is the chief activator of all my character defects. So I
am learning that I want to become less of a selfaholic
and more of a Godaholic.
I’ve never acted out with
a man in my adult life but I have lusted. I could have gone down that
road but I was too scared. I had abuse issues with my mother growing
up. She would say things that would really hurt me emotionally - like I
would never grow up to be a man - big boys don’t cry. And she was physically
violent when she was drinking. I got to a point where I decided to hate
her. And along with that went all women in my life. And my dad couldn’t
be there enough for me. He was a workaholic, I believe a sex addict. He
was not there for me emotionally. I remember looking out the window of my
house for a man to fix me, because women were too dangerous. Ands
that’s not the way it is today. I’ve been in the program
for 10 years. I’ve had my slips. But I never went back to day one. I firmly
believe that. I tried to learn from them. I surrendered a little bit
at a time. I couldn’t do it all at once. There was just too much
pain to cover up Meetings have been key to me - sharing honestly at meetings.
The more honest I get, the better I get. The easier it is to let
go. Friends in the program – crucial! I had a couple of good
sponsors. One of them helped me get out of denial about what my
addiction was. I act out abusively with myself. Another was there
to help me work the steps. I wouldn’t say he was the perfect person to
work the step with. I guess there is no perfect way to do this
thing. But I worked the steps and got more junk
out. I did a recent step 5 with another sponsor at a retreat
weekend. I was able to get out a lot of my anger towards my Mom. I was at the airport and
I was struggling with same sex lust. Another member was at the airport
also. He said let me pray with you. I said I’m struggling with that guy over
there. After praying he said “I would encourage you to go up to that
person and talk with him, see how he is doing.” That
is what I have done and that has been very powerful - making real connections
with guys that I have difficulty with. Today I do lust over
women I don’t hate them. I’m attracted to them. Men are still there and
it’s not as fierce an attraction. That’s my story. I don’t know where
it’s ending up. That’s where I am today.
My family upbringing
played a lot with my addiction and how I acted out. Simply to say that
my family is riddled with addictions. I grew up with a feeling of not
being good, not being good looking. When I was a kid my older siblings
nicknamed me the ugly baby. Most of them stopped by the time I had
become a teenager. One brother still has not stopped it.
Incidentally I was sexually abuse by this same brother when I was a
teenager. All the while there was
something that my wife describes as the God Shaped void: that emptiness inside
you that you try to fill with everything, with all your addictions. But
only God can fill it. I tried to fill it with everything. Early on it was
masturbation and pornography. I was more interested in letters than pictures.
I have a very vivid imagination I can easily fill in the pictures if you just
give me the words. In college my same sex lust took the form of emotional
dependency relationships with male friends. There was one very intense one
during my second year of college and when I wasn’t meeting this person for
lunch every other day during summer all of a sudden my same sex lust came on
like a freight train. The attraction went BOOM - a lot more
pronounced. And then when this person graduated before I did I wound up
in same sex acting out in peep shows, in movie houses. The heavy part of my
acting out has been fantasy, the dependency relationships. I’m very
heavily into euphoric recall. I always wanted to be lusted after. I guess
that has to do with trying to cope with please tell me I’m not an ugly
baby. Also I tend to over identify with other people’s pain. That is a
major hook that gets me into the fantasy and the dependency relationships. In the end I had to
realize that the goal of my recovery was to fill the void with God. I had
to stop trying to medicate and cover up all my anxieties, my rages and my
resentments. I had to be working my
program. If I am not working my program, if I am not working the steps, if I
am coasting along or sliding I begin to suffer and the lust objects just
become so much more prominent. I’ve had to set boundaries on
myself. Certain books I know I just cannot pick up. I keep away
from them. The exercise magazines I basically have to leave
alone. When doing work on the internet I do it in public where
everybody can see what is on my screen Something else I also
realized I was addicted to the fountain of youth. I was always a big
one into those coming of age movies. Once more it was identifying with
the pain. Those were the boundaries I had to set. Also I had to take
custody of my eyes. A split second look can have me hooked. I have to practice
surrender several time a day, whether it is a lust object that has come to
mind or one of my attitudes. If I am getting my anxiety, my rage, my
resentment coming up - I basically make it practice to surrender them to
God. There is a favorite quote that my wife has: It’s not so much that
prayer changes things but that prayer changes me and then I can change
things. During my last relapse I
hadn’t gone acting out with other men but I was heading down that road.
Somehow God broke through and 2 years ago He helped me find this current
sobriety. And for that I am eternally grateful.
My same sex attractions
could be summarized as taking from others to fill up what is lacking in myself. It’s almost like there is this huge one way arrow
from them to me. And praying for people seems to reverse that arrow. It takes
a lot of effort.
I come from one of those
other S programs. I was in another S program for about 10 years. I had
a slip about 5 years ago and have been slipping and sliding ever since then
and about 2 years ago I found SA and I found it very helpful to have a bottom
line. In that other program a lot of boundaries crossed because every
person had their own bottom line. And I found that disconcerting
because I never knew when I was safe. Also there was a lot of subtle proselytizing,
even though people did not mean to do that. I would do my share.
I’d tell them that I had a celibate program. And they said “um” and
they would smile at me like maybe one day you’ll be enlightened and be set
free. This is such a deep
conviction of mine that it possible to be free of this and to be happy and
joyful and I’ve experienced that even in that other program. So I think
having a boundary, having a place where you can come and have some clarity
(is) what this program really brings. It’s got a real clear bottom line and a
clear definition of sobriety. This program went straight to the root,
which is really deeper than sexually acting out. It has to do with our
affective life, our emotional life I’m really grateful to this program and to
encourage those who are maybe having questions about it, that I have
experienced the other program a good ten years, and I find this to be a lot
more clear and helpful to sobriety..
I’m really thankful for
the SA bottom line – I need that. I don’t have the capacity to have a
lifelong commitment to a male. When I was in the gay community I never saw it
and that’s what I wanted.
I grew up very fearful of
men. I came from an alcoholic home. My father was abusive. One of
the things I had a hard time with was fears of all sorts of people and what other
people were thinking or may be thinking of me. What happened was I learnt in
recovery and I am still learning. Someone told me that before lust is fear, and fear can lead to lust which can lead to a
sexual encounter, which is possession. That hit home about a few
days later. I started thinking about that. I was at work and there was
this pretty girl came to work for the first day. I started to lust after
her. And I’m not bisexual. Before I started lusting after
her I started to get afraid of what other people would think if I
didn’t look at her and see her as attractive. I was afraid of them
thinking of me as gay. So I possessed her in my mind sexually because I
was so afraid of their thoughts. Possession took away the fear of what
other people may be thinking. So shortly after that
this guy I was working with I found intimidating – like the bully type guy.
I started sexually fantasizing about him, lusting after him. I
found that before that there was fear of him What happened was I
basically possessed him in my mind sexually so that it appeared he couldn’t
hurt me if I owned him in my mind. I covered up what was really going
on. So I ran away from reality in my mind. In program I asked about
what to do about the fantasy. Someone mentioned about embracing the
fantasy. It sounded really odd to me - foreign. Instead of resisting
the fantasy to embrace it? I thought about like giving it a hug or
something! Then I thought about acceptance - accept the fantasy is
going on. I tried using that: embrace the fantasy, and it worked.
It took the fantasy out of my head right away I was in the now. I felt
peace. I remember that so clearly when I first started using it.
It works every time I work it. Something I read was that
perfect love casts out all fear. Underneath lust it’s all fear – Embracing
the fantasy was acceptance which for me was perfect love, it took away the
fantasy right away. Right when I embraced the fantasy, right then I was
in reality. I was in the now. And I felt good and I felt peaceful
inside. It was amazing how it worked. I still use it
today. It’s a day at a time. When I don’t work it, when I don’t
think about using it, it don’t (sic) work When I keep coming to program
and other tools this program has to offer they work.
One of the things that I
am very grateful for because of SA and the steps and the relationship I that
I also have received from my Higher Power as a result of surrendering the lust
and the sex and all that stuff is that I can have relationships with men and
boys, women and girls and with God that admit intimacy. It’s a healthy feeling
for me to be in a room to be able to sit across from someone who would have
formerly been a real trigger and to not have to be triggered, and to not have
to relate to that person as a face, as physical features but as a another
human being. One of the things that has marked my life has been body envy. I never felt
like other guys looked on the outside. That led to years of false
perceptions and unfortunately I organized my life around those false
perceptions. Today I don’t have to do that. Today most of the people
in the program where I am are guys who have all sorts of sexually acting out
as part of their history. But for the most part they are people who are
primarily attracted to women. I guess some people in society call them
heterosexuals. I’ve never met a heterosexual call themselves heterosexuals.
They are just regular people. As we all are too. It’s been good to learn
to relate to men as a man and not begin to immediately think shouldn’t we
taking our clothes off. Or shouldn’t I begin to have a fantasy here about
some kind of a relationship. I can have a fantasy about having a relationship
with another man at a moment’s notice, about anybody! Because of the tools of
this program and because of the practice of working those tools I know I do
not have to keep it in my head. I know I do not have to churn it around
inside my head. I can give it away to someone. That is a wonderful, wonderful
gift of this program. I struggled through many
years of my life about my “orientation”. I never felt comfortable identifying
with people who called themselves gay. That didn’t mean I wasn’t hanging out
with people who called themselves gay. It doesn’t mean I didn’t
entertain that self-identification for many, many years and certainly acted
as if I were embracing that. But I remember as a boy
having girlfriends and wanting to do things sexual with them and competing
with other boys for their affection. So where am I in all
this? I’m learning in this
program is that I can put this issue away. I’m not gay I’m not straight
I‘m John, Child of God struggling, growing, good human being, who has a
history of acting out with males but I also have a history much richer than
that. I used to define my history by those activities. I do not do that any
longer. And I have to say it is because of this program. I remember the time
sitting in a room with 17 mostly heterosexual sexaholics,
giving away my first step, not wanting to disclose to any one in that room
all the shameful terrible perverted things that I had ever done. But I
did it and the shame went out of all that stuff that night. All they
said to me after that was Thanks John! My fundamental
orientation is to the God of my understanding. And that’s enough for me. Top of Page
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