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Same-sex love and same-sex lust Members share their experience strength and hope Tell others about this site - |
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Same-sex Love and Same-sex Lust Warning: Some explicit language in this article may be a
trigger for some people Here’s what one SA member
says on this: For me learning about the
nature of lust, from the SA literature was where I
started to see the difference between love and lust in my life. This helped me realize
that I had used same-sex relationships and behavior to reduce isolation,
loneliness, insecurity, fear, tension, or to cover emotions, make me feel
alive, help me escape, and satisfy my God hunger. (Sexaholics
Anonymous, pp. 40-1) It worked at some level,
that’s why I kept trying more and different and better, in an attempt to find
the right partner or the right sex act. It ultimately failed because I was
trying to meet those needs in ways that only half worked, had negative
consequences and that drew me deeper into addictive cycles. I loved the men I was
involved with the best I could – it’s just that my ability to love was very
limited. In SA I learnt that I was
really a “love cripple” (Sexaholics Anonymous, p. v).
It all started to make sense. I didn’t
know as much about love as a thought I did.
Although anal sexuality
not universal in my same sex encounters, it was a defining part of my same
sex practice. I recalled that when I had experienced some of the negative
consequences of anal sexuality and a doctor advised me not to engage in any
of that behavior at all: That wasn’t enough to stop me. Somehow I had also
blinded myself to the almost unavoidable contact with fecal matter. I saw
that I was working against the nature of my body. It gave new meaning to a part of the lust
definition: .....we create an
unnatural appetite that misuses and abuses the natural instinct. It is not only more intense than the
natural but becomes something totally different. (Sexaholics
Anonymous, pp. 40-41) At some level anal sexuality
had provided me with pleasure and feelings of bonding, trust and
acceptance. I came to see that for me
the desire for anal sexual activity is lust, and not really a loving behavior
to engage in. I had been going for the
feelings of love because I didn’t know how to do real love. The SA literature also
helped me see how sex with self involved “self splitting and living in a
fantasy world”. I realized that my
sexual contact with other men involved a lot of sex with self
: having sex with a partner and myself at the same time or merely
having sex with self in the presence of a partner. Masturbation for me is
the same as my acting out with others; the presence of a sexual partner was
merely another extension of autoeroticism. (Recovery Continues, p. 4) Taking anal sexuality and
sex with self out of same sex encounters didn’t leave a lot. So much of my
same sex behavior had involved taking turns.
I could then see how physically contrived same sex sexual activity had
been for me. Although I had some affection for my same sex partners, it could
never really be the true union I read of in the SA literature. I realized that it was
hard to recall anyone I had known in monogamous long term same-sex
relationships. Some described same sex behavior as naturally more
promiscuous. In my experience “open”
relationships or promiscuity seemed the rule that proved the rare exception
of monogamy. Despite very supportive
friends and family such a relationship seemed impossible for me. All these revelations
helped me see the enormity of my problem I couldn’t see a way that same sex
behavior could not involve lust or how it could find a “simple and natural place” in my life the way SA literature suggested
recovering sexuality could be. I had to stop sexualizing and romanticizing
other men and "find what my lust was really looking for“. ..our whole concept of sex begins to change.” (Sexaholics
Anonymous p. 193) As I used the tools of
the program I began to identify some of the attitudes and behaviors that had
separated me from men and led me to sexualize and romanticize them. I could then start to find more successful
ways of ways of connecting with men - and I began to experience a deeper
level of honesty, trust and connection with men than I had experienced when I
was “in love” and having sex with them. It was of a totally different order
–one that I could not see or even imagine prior to recovery. It’s been quite a journey! At times we experienced
great joy; at other times, doubt, uncertainty, depression, and fear. At times
it seemed we were running with winged feet, at others standing still, and
still others, that we were losing ground. But we found that once on this
road, something deep within told us it was the right path for us. We simply
knew it. And that was enough to keep
us going. Whatever our experience, we found it to be the greatest adventure
of our lives. (Sexaholics
Anonymous, p. 78) It’s an ongoing process
discovering what love really is:
Recovery continues!
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