Tomas Camphuynder (Director of I.T. and Compliance Consultant)

Born into poverty in the wilds of Macedonia in 1957, Camphuynder's parents left him at a nunnery when he was only five days old. Camphuynder was raised by the Sisters Of The Order Of Heavenly Slippers until he was sixteen, excelling at needlework and quoting pointless passages from the Bible. He rapidly became known throughout the nunnery as an outstanding scholar and was swiftly appointed as chief assistant to the mother of the nunnery, Sister Gwenodelene of the Horn-Rimmed Spectacles. After the untimely death of Sister Gwendolene in a para-gliding accident, he resigned his position and took up a position in the Public Relations Office, where he was tasked with improving the relationship between the nuns and the wider community. Relations between the two had been damaged after a drunken party held at the nunnery in 1963, when the nuns rampaged through the town, causing a large amount of damage to a ceremonial fountain. Unfortunately, haunted by the death of his beloved mentor, Camphuynder found his new position impossibly difficult to carry out effectively and after much soul-searching and with considerable regret, resigned shortly after taking up the role.

On his sixteenth birthday, he escaped from the increasingly oppressive clutches of the nuns, renounced his religion and walked and swam several thousand miles to the prestigious Ivy League college in Little Fish, Arkansas, USA. He spent twelve years studying various subjects, attaining a B.A. in Meline Studies, a M.A. in Dendochronology and a PhD in Ovine Physics. In 1987, he was awarded an Honorary Doctorate in Latin Quilt Making from the University Of Hairy Beard in Wisconsin and two years after that, he received the Nobel Prize for aiding the interplanetary alignment of Mars and Jupiter.

Camphuynder resides in Little Fish to this day, living in the hills above the city with his wife and sixteen children. As of the time of writing, his wife is expecting octoplets. He teaches at the university in the city, enthralling thousands of students every day with the immense breadth of his knowledge. He has had several best-selling books published by the university, including the well-received fifty-seven part work, "Why Greco-Latino Poetry Will Solve World Hunger" and the bestselling "How To Teach Conjugation To Apes", which includes several chapters on the world's first Latin-speaking monkey, Horace. In his spare time, he creates pottery and is currently building a full-size model of ancient Rome in his garage.

Selected Bibliography

• "My Trip To The Seaside" - Heavenly Slipper Publications, Inc., New York, August 1964.
  
• "Living Without Your Mentor" - Heavenly Slipper Publications, Inc., New York, January 1970.
  
• "Escape To The Land Of The Free" - unpublished, October 1973.
  
• "Travels Across America (Volume 1)" - Brockstein & Ellis, Seattle, WA, April 1970.
  
• "Map Reading For Stupid People" - Robert & Robert, Tucson, AZ, May 1970.
  
• "Travels Across America (Volume 2)" - Brockstein & Ellis, Seattle, WA, April 1971.
  
• "Travels Across America (Volume 3)" - Brockstein & Ellis, Seattle, WA, April 1972.
  
• "Of Melines And Men" - unpublished, August 1974.
  
• "The Theory Of Meline Relativity" Faculty of Science, Little Fish University, AR, July 1977.
  
• "Further Theories Of Meline Relativity" Faculty of Science, Little Fish University, AR, May 1979.
  
• "A Thesis On The Exploration Of Dendrochronology" Faculty of Science, Little Fish University, AR, February 1984.
  
• "Elementary Ovine Physics" Faculty of Science, Little Fish University, AR, December 1987.
  
• "Advanced Ovine Physics" Faculty of Science, Little Fish University, AR, December 1988.
  
• "Why Greco-Latino Poetry Will Solve World Hunger" Camphuynder Press, Little Fish, AR, January 1990 - June 2001 (57 volumes).
  
• "How To Teach Conjugation To Apes" Campyhunder Press, Little Fish, AR, April 1994.