10.28.04
I have PCOS. This is something that I've known for a few years and I've been battling the side affects of it since my mc. I just didn't have a name for the craziness that was my body function until Feb. 2002. I have been on all of the meds, but they made me so sick I finally stopped taking them. I refused to be that miserable and messed up because of a medicine. At any rate, I have since gotten involved with a great company. One of the product lines in which this company specializes is health and nutrional supplements. There is a product called Vital PSP+. My friend had been telling me for months that I needed to be on it - one of the things that it may help with is hormone functions. Something that any woman w/ PCOS needs. After less than a month of being on this supplement, I had an af (the first in 100+ days) and I think that I might be returning to pre-mc normalcy. I know that I feel better. I don't have weird pains and twinges inside my body. I actually sleep better. At least I think I do - I've always slept like the dead, but I'm able to wake up in the mornings now, which was simply not possible for most of my life. I mean literally when I was in college my youngest sister would devote 20 minutes of her morning routine to waking me up each day to take her to school. And this whole twenty minutes she was in my room talking to me and stealing my covers and I could still sleep through it. It's getting better - slowly.
The thing that really has me hooked though is the hormone balancing. Honestly I feel more like the person I was before my mc. And that's not to say that I'm trying to forget that I had one by any stretch of the imagination. My child is a part of me. I will always remember him and long for him. My grief is different now though, which is hard to explain. But it just is. Suddenly I'm looking toward the future more. I'm prepared to take this PCOS head on, instead of wallowing in depression because of it. I'm trying not to care whether or not it leads to a second healthy pregnancy (the only kind I will accept - as though I have a choice). I'm just really happy to be able to finally be reclaiming my body from the torture that was my mc. It's the only step I have cared about since our son died. Vital PSP+ is helping me to achieve that . . . . finally.
My 11.13.03 rant :
I am angry! Not just about my dead son, and the way that my life has transformed into something I don�t recognize. I am angry that I was diagnosed with PCOS after I lost my baby. I am angry that my body is rebelling against me and that there�s not a thing I can do about it. I am angry that ovulation is just a word now, and not something that my body actually does. I am also angry about the little things. Like the father who shook his two year old so hard that she had skull fractures. I am angry that my husband, the father of a dead baby had to take care of this little girl during her transport, because her father would not. I am angry that men who kill babies are given probation and allowed to harm other babies. And the mothers of the dead babies who didn�t really care about their children to begin with are plastered all over the news talking about how upset they suddenly are, when really they aren�t upset. They just want their red neck fifteen minutes of fame. I am angry that the public thinks that all bereaved parents are white trash hillbillies without any teeth and that we�ve done something wrong to deserve our lot. I am angry that insane women, who have lost babies, steal other people�s babies and make those of us who are sane look stupid. I am angry at the irresponsible mothers who don�t watch their children and leave their 2 month olds sitting outside of porta-potties at flea markets. I am angry that they are surprised when a crazed woman takes their neglected babies. I am angry that mothers who learn that I have lost a baby hug their children closer to them, as if I�m about to pick up a 30 pound kid and run off with him. I am angry that my co-worker who drinks gallons of coffee each day, wanted an abortion if her baby had abnormalities or wasn�t otherwise perfect, and continues to drink wine regularly is expecting support from me throughout her pregnancy. I am angry that she stopped taking her birth control pills if she was going to continue to party and was not willing to deal with any of the consequences that came from that. I am angry that another co-worker who wants a baby more than life itself has had two miscarriages in the last three months. I am angry that I no longer have hope for a bright future, for a baby of my own, for any of my dreams to come true. I am angry that I have given up. I am angry that my puppies may be the only kids that I have. And the only reason I am ever called Mommy. Most of all I am angry that my baby is dead. I am angry that the one thing that my husband deserves most in life will never come from my womb.
Boy was I mad or what? I'm still frustrated and not a day goes by that I don't feel that void in my life, but I'm not so deep in that hurt.
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